Duckduckgoose Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Okay. I'm at a crossroads here, and this has driven me up the wall for a while now. My background with this guy: Known him for 8 months, go out every weekend for the past 3 or 4 months. We kind of discussed whether we should "make it official" or not and I found out he has NO relationship experience. The whole talk left me confused. I'm 28/divorced and he's a few years older. I enjoy my time with him, he's very considerate, our personalities mesh well, he's stable, blah blah all the good stuff. Well I would like to get back into the dating game, and honestly I would like to date or be in a relationship with this guy. However his lack of experience means that I would be having to teach him EVERYTHING. We have not done anything physical yet, I guess because at first I thought he would be the one to initiate said things, but when I found out he had no experience I figured "I" would be the one doing it. Well I'm not real inclined to mess with him unless I can at least get a definition of where we stand. Preferably a "relationship" but at least "dating". I am to the point where I am going to let him know that I would like to date other men if there is no definition on our relationship. And also let him know that while I like spending time with him and would like a relationship with him, if he can't do that then I need to spend less time with him because by doing so people think we are together when we're not. By having more time without him I would be able to meet other men that I might be interested in dating. I am not sure how to tell him this. I don't want to sound like an impatient jerk. But by now I would like some sort of status, or I would like to be let loose so I can find someone who WILL put a status on it (and hopefully treat me well). Am I pushing the envelope with this? I know he's inexperienced, so all of this is new to him. He's warming up at his own pace, that is obvious, and I am trying to take things slow and be patient. Should I bite my tongue on what I've been wanting to say for a little longer? Should I expect HIM to speak up on this? Any advice will be helpful.
FitChick Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 What do you mean by inexperienced? Is he a virgin?
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Inexperienced as in "never had a girlfriend". Never kissed, never had sex, etc. I asked him why because it shocked me. He told me that he was just too shy to approach women and didn't get any women approaching him.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I will not hesitate to cut him loose if need be, but I really feel like he's worth taking a gamble on. I need advice so I can play my cards right
Cee Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I suggest you ask him to kiss you. There's no need to define the dating through a discussion. Actions speak louder than words. He may be nervous but you've seeing each other for months. Ask him to kiss you and hold you. Or better yet, hold his hand, look into his eyes and see what transpires. (I watched Parenthood and the most recent episode had a realistic first kiss story. The kiss happened because the guy looked into her eyes and didn't run away). 1
almondeyes101 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I love this... Don't knock it until you try it... and I dont mean the sex... I mean the newness you're his first everything and that can be challenging yes but I bet it can be fun if you try... I mean what do you have to lose?
Els Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Double edged sword IMO. They don't carry with them baggage from other failed relationships, but on the other hand they have not had the chance to learn from their mistakes. Probably balances out. I wouldn't ditch someone who showed a lot of potential just because of experience or lack thereof. 1
El Brujo Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 You have a good opportunity---coach him!!! You don't have to give him the 3rd degree, but teach him about your likes and dislikes. Even if he isn't a total blank slate, you may be able to turn him into a catch and not a jerk. 1
O'Malley Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 (edited) I am to the point where I am going to let him know that I would like to date other men if there is no definition on our relationship. And also let him know that while I like spending time with him and would like a relationship with him, if he can't do that then I need to spend less time with him because by doing so people think we are together when we're not. Has he specifically stated that he's not ready to be in a relationship with you? If so, I see nothing wrong with stating your above words to him. He'll know that you want to be with him and that he can contact you when he knows for certain that he wants to only be with you. Leave the ball in his court, instead of waiting around for potential to develop. When there is hesitation or ambivalence over defining a relationship as serious or committed, I see someone who is aware that they don't have enough feelings invested into the other person at that time. Even for an individual with no prior relationships under his belt, after seeing you for 3-4 months, he should have a clear enough idea of what he wants. As far as his general lack of romantic/sexual experience, I think the expectation of having to teach him everything is overrated. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, and his qualities and compatibilities are in far greater and healthier a proportion than any negative characteristics, then his inexperience won't really be important. Edited October 20, 2011 by O'Malley
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Has he specifically stated that he's not ready to be in a relationship with you? He has said that he'd rather "take things slow" and "get to know" me better, that there's "no hurry". He's laid back as am I, but at this point people are thinking we're together and we're not. He's a Christian and us being and doing things alone together is kind of inappropriate if not in the context of courting/dating/relationship.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Any other advice? I am gonna see how things go this weekend. I am planning to ask him what's up and where we stand... probably at the end of the night, so I can make a break for it if it comes to that. I guess the first lesson he needs to learn is don't string someone along.
thatone Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 religion is a great crutch for people who lack any social experience to justify continuing to lack it. you're going to have to beat it out of him.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Um, do you actually like him? I'm not getting much "feeling" vibe here. Yes, I do quite a bit. I am a little gun-shy being divorced and all. I have had the chance to get with other guys but I have turned them down because I was focusing my time and energy on this guy. Sorry if I'm not real mushy-gushy with my emotions. I do have them and feel them very strongly. I've been trying to flirt with him some, just a little at a time so he can "absorb" it and catch on that I'm not doing it to other guys so he knows he's special in that way. I'm a pretty direct person, and he's a little more indirect. As an example: I will say "Lets eat out at a place you'd like to go". He is more "I took you here because I thought you'd like it". More subtle I guess. So I'm trying to be a little subtle with him since it seems to be a language he understands better.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 I got a few ideas to try. I talked with my dad, plus I have been out enjoying myself and a couple things popped in my head. I'm gonna try them and see what happens. Any last minute advice?
Author Duckduckgoose Posted October 24, 2011 Author Posted October 24, 2011 I ****ing chickened out. I guess I was waiting to see if it was the right time to bring it up... and it wasn't. I am really getting beyond frustrated at this point. Throw me a ****ing bone here please man... sometimes I get the impression that its either a game to him or that I've been friend-zoned and just don't know it I am really gonna have to balls up and if it leads to rejection so be it. I'm pretty sick of the "not knowing where things stand". If he wants more, we can work on that... if not then I would like to have the time to find someone that does.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Well the **** has hit the fan now. We've still hung out like usual. He invited me to his extended families' Turkey Day celebration... like more than 45 people gonna be there. I should have declined and brought it up right then but I didn't. Well I texted him today kind of grazing the subject, then I got right down to the meat of the situation. I don't want that many people thinking we are together if we are not. He said himself they will all think I'm his GF even though we're not together. That's when I knew it was time to say something. Not sure how this situation is gonna resolve, but there's still a little more I gotta get off my chest. Either A or B will happen: A. I clear my mind about the situation and tell him for the sake of my sanity I'm gonna cut things off. B. He's gonna realize the cake-eating is over and do the right thing, which is either cut things off himself or admit "Yeah I like you I've just been too shy to do anything about it till I knew what was going on with you". That last half of B is a little bit of wishful thinking. I guess I'll know sooner than later...
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Well... he wants a relationship. We don't have time to "talk" about it tonight... gonna meet up tomorrow.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 No... more like I'm kinda nervous and relieved at the same time. And scared. This is my first relationship after my divorce.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Because I am used to the man being the one to initiate things, whereas I have a more straightforward personality than this guy. He knows I'm more "experienced" so I guess he was expecting me to take the lead? Not sure... I'm gonna have to ask him. I was also afraid to say anything out of fear of rejection. I was thinking "If it's this bad for me to be afraid of rejection, and I've got several men under my belt, then its gotta be that much worse for him having no experience with this sort of situation". To be honest I talked myself out of it several times the past few weeks. Over the weekend I had to stay on top of myself so I just kept telling myself "gotta do it gotta do it" no matter the outcome.
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Hmm... I guess the guy that posted on here got deleted or banned or something. Anyway... I met his parents last night; they took us out to dinner. They were very nice. He showed me their house... all the way from the movie theater in the basement to the observatory on the third floor. And "tomorrow" we have that talk. He's been nothing but nice and considerate to me. I would have to be stupid beyond measure to let this go or **** this up. Why has some woman not snatched him up already?
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 I'll feed the trolls today, I'm feeling generous around Thanksgiving and all. Clingy? Nah, he's a pretty independent guy. We're "together" now, btw If'n he starts the clingy mess, I will gently explain to him what's going on.
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 I'll feed the trolls today, I'm feeling generous around Thanksgiving and all. Clingy? Nah, he's a pretty independent guy. We're "together" now, btw If'n he starts the clingy mess, I will gently explain to him what's going on. Even though I've had the quite the reputation today as being one of the resident hateful guys on LS, I am happy for you that everything has worked out. Good luck going forward.
dasein Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 When I was completely inexperienced in HS, I still went for a kiss on the first date and second base or more on the second. I'm certainly not the world's most alpha male. It's been 4 MONTHS? and no physical assertion on his part? Something is going on here besides a mere lack of experience. Are you two Amish? or fundamentally religious in some other faith? Is it possible he has some confusion about his sexual orientation?
Author Duckduckgoose Posted November 24, 2011 Author Posted November 24, 2011 We did discuss that as well. I brought it up. He said that 1. He was uncomfortable about it, since I can be a bit intimidating and he's inexperienced 2. He thought I might be the one to initiate it because I AM the one who's more experienced, and 3. He is pretty religious which means he only does things in the context of relationships. I told him things would be awkward at first, but that it would get easier as we got more physically comfortable with each other. I realize I'm gonna have to physically lead... not really a problem... most men are pretty receptive
Beachgirl8 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Normally I would suggest direct communication, but given what you have told us about him (lack of experience, indirectness) I'd suggest writing him a letter and letting him know how you feel, so he has time to digest the information and respond after having some time to reflect. I'd make the letter very positive and encouraging, so if the problem is just that he is shy about things, he can get up the courage to take the next steps. If you put him on the spot he might choke and get scared. I'd leave out any talk of seeing other men or whatever. Just let him know you like him a lot because of xyz, and would like him to be your boyfriend. You're willing to be patient and go slow, and just want to know where he stands at this point and what he sees your future unfolding as. I'd do it on paper with a pen, not as an email or any other kind of electronic communication. It's sweet, it gets your feelings out, and doesn't put as much pressure on him as a conversation.
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