confused kitty Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) So heres my story.. bear with me please! well it all started 5months ago when i met this guy, i dont fall in love easily at all, i find it very hard to trust people and let my guard down and dont like showing emotion! So there we are texting away for afew weeks and were geting on Great- i mean i feel like i can talk to him about anything and have already told him so many private things id never dream of telling any guy. I tryed to keep my usual "walls" up but i find with him i just cant, i already totally trust this guy!!! I felt that "connection" that i thaught only existed in movies! So finally I gave in and agreed to go on a date with him, and it was even better in person! No awkwardness or horrible silences you normally get on first dates, we both wanted the same things and both agreed there was defenitly somthing there, we just seemed to "click"... Things moved quite quickly after that, less than a month later we were "officially together" we were talking about the future and what we both wanted, he wanted to wait 3 or 4 months and then move closer to me (i live an hour away) so we could be together more and eventually the plan was i would move in with him, he was constantly telling me how perfect i was and how he could see himself marrying me ( i Never wanted to get married- until i met him!). Afew more weeks passed everything still going great and suddenly i dont hear from him for a week his phone turned off no way of getting in contact- finally he rings me and hes crying down d phone, turns out hes been on a methadone programe for almost a year... I was shocked i had no idea!!! we talked about the whole thing and he explained everything- he expected me to leave but i told him i loved him too much to just walk away so i said id stay.. One month later and hes about to go through a detox to get off the methadone, he said he wanted to do it for "us" i put no pressure on him what so ever quite the opposite actually, i thaught it was too soon! So two weeks into the detox he calls me sayin his head and emotions are all over the place and that he couldnt handle a relationship rite now - i was devestated this came totally out of no where!!! So 5 weeks passed of absaloutely no contact when eventually i get a text one night saying hes made a huge mistake and that we needed to talk.. So I made him wait afew days before i agreed to meet him, he told me everything that had gone on and how he was no doing much better and thinking straight again, he said all the right things, how he still feels the exact same for me and how sorry he was, how much he missed me, and how much he wanted me back and that he knew he hurt me bad but was willing to work for my forgiveness and prove to me how much he wanted "us" back... He told me to go away and think about it for afew days before i made a decision ( i wanted him back there and then!!!) He even noticed how it felt like nothing had ever happened as if the past 5 weeks never existed as if it was only yesterday we last saw eachother - so we hugged and i left agreeing to call him later that night ( as he asked me to) I drove away from him feeling relieved that i had him back... So I tryed to call but got no answer this went on for 10 days when i sent him a text saying if i didnt hear from him by the following day id call down to his house to get some answers! he txt me back to say he never said he wanted to start our relationship again and that he still feels the same way for me but that he needs to focus on himself right now, he wants to stay friends but thinks its best not to talk for a month or so and assured me there was nobody else.. well this happened two days ago and now ive never been more confused or lost in my life................. I love this guy so much he means everything to me and as i said even though i never wanted to get married i can honestly see myself marrying him, im even thinking of baby names and i never wanted those either ha please HELP!!!!! Sorry that was so long and confusing, can anybody try make any sence from any of that??? Edited October 19, 2011 by confused kitty
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Kitty until this man beats his addictions he simple cannot be in a relationship. I have no idea how long it's going to take to fully recover, but you need to listen to him. He is asking to be left alone and that is what you need to do. Sadly I have a feeling he is going to be back and forth with you. One minute saying "can't live without babe" and the next "I need to be on my own". He should have been honest with you from the start and this is a major red flag for me. Its like he wanted to reel you in and then BAM. He needed to tell you this on date 3 or 4. Right now you need to be the strong one. This situation has the potential to be very volatile/toxic. You need to go no contact and stay no contact. Say to him that you cant be friends. You are not doing him any favours being friends. More importantly you are not doing yourself any favours. Do you want to know the best thing you can do for him? Leave alone completely and offer to meet him for a coffee in 6 months. This will motivate him to beat his demons. If it's real love you will stand the test of time and still want each other in 6 months.. If it's not real love (as its a VERY short timespan then one of you will have moved on). Short term relationships that have had alot of things like this happen, tend not to last long term. If I were you I would disengage for 6 months COMPLETELY. After 6 months things will be a lot clearer for both of you...
2sunny Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 IF he is indeed trying to get and/or stay sober - you are better off staying away ----> away - while he finds out what the REAl him looks like. you only know him as "the altered state of himself" ---> which isn't real... and HE knows it - so stay out of it - this recovery process may very well take a year or 2 or 3 - to find himself. anything you offer at this point will distract him from getting well - and doing his best to get/stay sober. do NOT contact him. do not take it personally - it has NOTHING to do with you. hugs
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Kitty, you need to listen to what he is saying. Granted I think it was selfish of him to tell you after you got yourself emotionally entangled but it could have been that he really liked you and was afraid that you would judge him and deny him. But it wasn't right. In any case, breaking an addiction takes a long time and sometimes there is no guarantee that he will be walking a straight line in time to come. But you need to let him go and not contact him. It's not even right for him to come back in 1 month because it's too short a time for him to recover and rebuild. He has to be consistent with his recovery and 1 month is not enough to determine that and it sure isn't a stable situation for you to involve yourself in again. You need to let him go. He cannot offer you anything.
Author confused kitty Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Thank you both so much for your responses! In my head i know you are both right and that I should indeed stay away and give him the space he need to sort his life out... When he sent the message sayin he wanted to be friends, blah blah blah, i replyed by saying, I hope we can at least be friends one day but Im sick of beeing the only one trying, and that unless your willing to meet me half way - then im done... its up to you now! And thats how i left it...... I have quite a good relationship with his mother (apparently im the only girlfriend shes ever approved of) and shes been keeping in touch with me and wants to meet for lunch some day soon, Im desperate to meet her and find out if hes said anything to her but at the same time im half afraid of the answer... I know NC is the only way to go here thats why i left the "ball in his court", Im just hopeing and praying that il get him back one day.... I know it doesnt sound it rite now but i actually am quite a logical person and even though im not sure whats going on rite now, i do honestly feel like its not over yet! So thats the tiny bit of hope i have to cling onto :/
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Well, you can't be friends when you love him. It's your way of having a toe in the door. It will only hurt you. You're hoping to keep a lifeline to him under the guise of friendship. If I were you, I would tell his mother that while you would love to keep in touch, it would be too painful. You're only going to gauge that wound over and over again. We can all tell you to care for yourself and this is a situation that is most likely not going to change anytime soon but i don't think it will sink in until you've exhausted yourself. It's not as if he is confused about his feelings, he is an drug addict trying to recover. You have to think about what you are dealing with. It's going to take more than just months for him to stabilize and even then he has to show consistency. Love is really not enough. You're not logical at all to want to hold on to hope in such a situation. You're emotional and in love. Edited October 19, 2011 by geegirl
Author confused kitty Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 I fully understand what you are saying, and thats my problem... The ting bit of Logical Thinking I do have left is telling me to wash my hands of him, but then the other 98% is telling me he will get his life sorted out and come back to me when hes ready... When he originally told me about his addiction I had a good long think about it and even tho i was in total shock - I could think clearly because I was still in control back then, I was the one that could have (and should have) walked away! But i thaught seriously about it and all the drama attached to it and still I made the choice then to stay, with a clear mind... I choose to stay because I felt the relationship wasnt over, and if i walked away I would always wonder "what if" and being 100% honest I still dont feel like it is! you probably will laugh and wont believe me but he is such a good person his stap dad died 6months ago and dispite all he has going on he moved back home to help his mother (who hes very close with) raise his two younger step sisters - who hes amazing with! Im not a meternal person and never thaught i wanted kids of my own til i saw him with his sisters and i could hand on heart say it almost frightened me when i then started seeing him in the future playing with our children! This is the first time ive ever seen him put himself and his own needs first as hes always helping out other people and I can honestly say Im proud of him (I just wish it didnt hurt so much)
Author confused kitty Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 I fully understand what you are saying, and thats my problem... The ting bit of Logical Thinking I do have left is telling me to wash my hands of him, but then the other 98% is telling me he will get his life sorted out and come back to me when hes ready... When he originally told me about his addiction I had a good long think about it and even tho i was in total shock - I could think clearly because I was still in control back then, I was the one that could have (and should have) walked away! But i thaught seriously about it and all the drama attached to it and still I made the choice then to stay, with a clear mind... I choose to stay because I felt the relationship wasnt over, and if i walked away I would always wonder "what if" and being 100% honest I still dont feel like it is! you probably will laugh and wont believe me but he is such a good person his stap dad died 6months ago and dispite all he has going on he moved back home to help his mother (who hes very close with) raise his two younger step sisters - who hes amazing with! Im not a meternal person and never thaught i wanted kids of my own til i saw him with his sisters and i could hand on heart say it almost frightened me when i then started seeing him in the future playing with our children! This is the first time ive ever seen him put himself and his own needs first as hes always helping out other people and I can honestly say Im proud of him (I just wish it didnt hurt so much)
2sunny Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I choose to stay because I felt the relationship wasnt over, and if i walked away I would always wonder "what if" and being 100% honest I still dont feel like it is! what you THOUGHT you had is an illusion - THAT is what you aren't acknowledging. he wasn't present - he wasn't the man you thought he was - and he still doesn't understand, yet, the man he is capable of becoming - so you have no room in his life until he does the HARD WORK it takes to stop using - and to wake up... sober and all! anything you do will distract him from what his goal is - can you stay away?
Author confused kitty Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 can i stay away?? god i hope so, its a constent battle to stop myself from picking up the phone but i will do it! I had NC for 5weeks at one stage and yes it was hell but in the end he got in touch, so now i have to tell myself he will get in contact again "if and when" he ready. I left it up to him......
2sunny Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 don't wait! you could be waiting years... seriously! learn about the disease.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I love this guy so much he means everything to me Forgetting all the obvious concerns anybody should have, how can you say this about somebody in drug treatment when you should know that they should not be starting relationships during such treatment? His having started a relationship with you was a terrible, terrible idea where it concerns any small prayer he has of ever beating his addiction. You enabled this.
Author confused kitty Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I emabled this??? he was the one that lied to me... yes i will admit i stupidly fell in love with this guy but that happened before he told me he was on any type of drugs he said and done all the right things, he spoke of our future and plans he wanted to make with me all BEFORE telling me he was an adict.....
fucpcg Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I dated my ex for two months before breaking up with her over her drinking issues. After breaking up she BEGGED me to get back with her, and I said I would if she quit drinking. Deep down, my gut told me this on e would burn me, but she promised to, she did quit, and changed her whole life around for me, including dumping her drinking party friends. 8 months later, I slipped up myself some in the relationship, and she basically ran out the door, deleted/blocked my email and cell, refused to allow me to communicate with her 3 boys that I loved and raised like my own (cause their father took no interest in their lives at all), went back to hardcore drinking and hanging with party friends... and proceeded to tell eveyone she knows, including my friends, that the rrason she is out drinking like full time is because of how bad I abused her for the year she dated me. She trased me to everyone in town, ran out with refusal to even speak to me period, and I got my heart absolutely ripped out for becoming guardian to her 3 chikdren, and to her, and opened myself up to loving them all like my own family and wife. I will never trust nor date an addict again, this experience has devistated me, and still totally affecting me a year later.
Author confused kitty Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 fucpcg im so sorry to hear your story especially because there was children involved who you treated as your own, its not right that they have to grow up watching their mother act like that... Hugs
Author confused kitty Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 UPDATE!!!!!! he called me this morning...and i didnt answer!! It absaloutley Killed me not to pick the phone up and even though I wanted to hear his voice more than anything the only thing that stopped me was, i didnt know what to say to him...... So this has been playing on my mind all day, and I mean ive been thinking of nothing else!!!! When just now, he calls again........ PLEASE HELP!!!!! I need advice on what to do now?? I want to answer him soooo badly, not because Im hoping he wants me back ( which i know isnt for the best right now) but because Im curious as to what it is he wants.... ALL ADVISE BOTH WELCOME AND BADLY NEEDED!!!!
geegirl Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I think you need to be the strong one here and set clear boundaries for yourself because this man will float in and out of your life. He wants to have you on the side while he sorts his life out. You do not put your life on hold for anyone. You need to tell him that he is currently recovering from his addiction and he needs to focus on getting better and eventhough he does not want a relationship, you are unable to be friends with him due to your emotions and the circumstances. Tell him that you would like to have no contact so that you can move on and that will also allow him to focus solely on his recovery.
Author confused kitty Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 yes your right and i guess i knew the answer already.. was actually shocked when i saw his name come up on my phone as even though he wanted to be "friends" he said he didnt want to talk for at least a month! (bloody confusing) Im thinking that he just wants to talk as nomally if I missed his call he would just text me instead, thinking i was in work, but your right - I need to do this my my own sake as well as his! Thank You So Much
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I emabled this??? Enable: 2. to make possible or easy: Aeronautics enables us to overcome great distances. As to the phone call, communicate with him, remind him that he should not be combining relationships with his trip through recovery, and then tell him to contact you when he can say that he is completely off the drugs.
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