warrenorabbits Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I am a 19-year-old who values his privacy. About eighty percent of the time I want to be alone, and I don't like very large, loud social gatherings. I much prefer dinner or coffee with one other person. That's not to say that I'm incompetent socially: the other twenty percent of the time I'm a humorous, intelligent guy and people seem to like me. The problem comes when I realize that (1) about 75% (as a low estimate) of women are not that way, and (2) the fact that I don't like to hang out with any one person very often means that I have more difficulty developing deep, lasting relationships than others do. Most of the time I am content with this situation, but I would like to meet a woman that I could be intimate with, emotionally and physically. Another obstacle that I come across is that I unfortunately don't have much confidence when it comes to actually asking a woman out. On a rational level I know that there's nothing to stop me, but it's almost like I can sense that she's going to reject me before I even ask (ex., if she's beautiful she probably has a boyfriend, or perhaps I've already been too overbearing). I also don't want to be too obvious: for example, there's a cute girl in my French class that I had a great conversation with, but she sits directly behind me and I'd have to turn around or wait for her after class to talk to her. Do you have any advice on how I can be more successful romantically while still maintaining the privacy I so value?
Eve Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I am a 19-year-old who values his privacy. About eighty percent of the time I want to be alone, and I don't like very large, loud social gatherings. I much prefer dinner or coffee with one other person. That's not to say that I'm incompetent socially: the other twenty percent of the time I'm a humorous, intelligent guy and people seem to like me. The problem comes when I realize that (1) about 75% (as a low estimate) of women are not that way, and (2) the fact that I don't like to hang out with any one person very often means that I have more difficulty developing deep, lasting relationships than others do. Most of the time I am content with this situation, but I would like to meet a woman that I could be intimate with, emotionally and physically. Another obstacle that I come across is that I unfortunately don't have much confidence when it comes to actually asking a woman out. On a rational level I know that there's nothing to stop me, but it's almost like I can sense that she's going to reject me before I even ask (ex., if she's beautiful she probably has a boyfriend, or perhaps I've already been too overbearing). I also don't want to be too obvious: for example, there's a cute girl in my French class that I had a great conversation with, but she sits directly behind me and I'd have to turn around or wait for her after class to talk to her. Do you have any advice on how I can be more successful romantically while still maintaining the privacy I so value? . Get a job in the type of environment you enjoy being in. This will increase the likelihood of meeting women like yourself. . When at University, do the same thing with group interests for the same reasons. . Do something outside of your comfort zone. This will help with the confidence thing. Most importantly do not see yourself as being at a disadvantage because you are quieter and more reserved. At least you identify that you are looking for someone similar to yourself. You have to get that out of your head mate. Just be yourself. A bit of awkwardness is not unattractive. As for the girl who you want to talk to, don't restrict yourself to talking to her just in class! All in all I would say that you have to simply try different approaches and modify your behaviour based on outcomes, not stuff rolling around your head. Take a chance and expand on various attempts. Maybe others can help more than me as I have children your age but this is what I taught my boys and they are happy and successful in their relationships and they are both reserved, geeky types who have a lot to offer. .. and keep it fun! Take care, Eve x
smudge21 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Used to be just like you, in fact I'm still a bit like that - enjoying my own company and I like being more private than anything (hence why I hate Facebook and all that nonsense). I don't think I ever changed as such, but just accepted I was like that and then occasionally would hang out with different groups from time to time, never really focusing on trying to change myself or trying to be a certain way. Eventually I found a pleasant middle road that I was comfortable with. As for meeting girls, I wouldn't worry about that. Girls are everywhere and you don't need to be with a group on a night out to meet them. Just do some things that get you out there - whether it reading at a coffee shop instead of at home or something. Just somewhere where people are and then let things happen naturally. If someone is polite, be polite back. Don't see every girl as a potential date, just see them as a stranger you're yet to know. Basically, at 19, don't worry too much.
Lucky_One Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I'm with Eve - my son is close in age to you! But as a woman who was in the dating world not so long ago (between my two marriages), I have to say that it would be hard for me to get emotionally and physically intimate with a man who would want to spend 80% of his time by himself. I wouldn't do well with going to a movie and then making love with a man on Friday night, and then hearing from him on a Monday, and then hearing from him on a Thursday night to ask me out for the next night; I would feel a bit booty-call'ish. I am sure that there are women out there who relish their alone time as much as you do, but I am just warning you that most women will feel rejected if you treat spending time together casually.
RiverRunning Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 You realize that a lot of people tend to go for their complements, right? If you're the big, loud jokester, it's not very fun being with a girl who won't listen to your jokes. If you're the quiet type, likewise, it's kind of a bore when you're sitting with someone else who's also very quiet and reclusive. But those are extremes. Most of us are a blend. A good match for you probably would be someone who's at least a little more gregarious than you are. In my own relationship - I'm the more outgoing one. I'm the one who enjoys group outings more. But flexibility is important. Unfortunately, my other half isn't as flexible with me. As long as you are open to the idea of OCCASIONALLY going out to places you don't like with her (bars, what have you), you stand better odds of keeping her and making her happy. No one wants to date someone they can't share much with. For a 19-year-old guy, you're quite obviously very intelligent - that enough could probably win the ladies over. Can you switch seats in your French class? Maybe wait for her outside of class to start a conversation or to walk her to her next class. Baby steps.
ShannonMI Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I am a 19-year-old who values his privacy. About eighty percent of the time I want to be alone, and I don't like very large, loud social gatherings. I much prefer dinner or coffee with one other person. That's not to say that I'm incompetent socially: the other twenty percent of the time I'm a humorous, intelligent guy and people seem to like me. The problem comes when I realize that (1) about 75% (as a low estimate) of women are not that way, and (2) the fact that I don't like to hang out with any one person very often means that I have more difficulty developing deep, lasting relationships than others do. Most of the time I am content with this situation, but I would like to meet a woman that I could be intimate with, emotionally and physically. Another obstacle that I come across is that I unfortunately don't have much confidence when it comes to actually asking a woman out. On a rational level I know that there's nothing to stop me, but it's almost like I can sense that she's going to reject me before I even ask (ex., if she's beautiful she probably has a boyfriend, or perhaps I've already been too overbearing). I also don't want to be too obvious: for example, there's a cute girl in my French class that I had a great conversation with, but she sits directly behind me and I'd have to turn around or wait for her after class to talk to her. Do you have any advice on how I can be more successful romantically while still maintaining the privacy I so value? I wouldn't go so far as to say you are a recluse. Recluses tend not to leave the house. It sounds like you are more of a loner and an introvert. Nothing wrong with that. I'm the same way. I enjoy being by myself most of the time and have a small group of friends. As for the girl in French class, why not try to strike up another converstation with her after class? Ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee or something. Having a romantic relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your alone time. You don't need to be with the girl 24/7, unless of course you want to. It's healthy to have your own time and do your own thing in a relationship. When you do finally become involved with someone, just tell her you enjoy your alone time. If she's a cool girl, she shouldn't have an issue with it.
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