StellaA Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Many of you will know my situation by now....my ex has recently asked if we can give it another go. My head says no but my heart says yes. I love him and think about him all the time but I can't risk myself going through this pain again. Has he changed or does he just miss 'us'. No one I have spoken to have advised it would be a goid idea, should I take that as a sign? Am I always going to be looking over my shoulder and not enjoy the relationship?
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Stella, you can ask this question 476 different ways and no one will be able to give you the right answers. You have to listen to your gut. Your family will be there if you fall. And if it all works well, then good for you. You just have to make that decision on your own, based on your own feelings and based on what you both have talked about and agreed on moving forward.
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Dovic is a good guy but I really do not agree, with the advice he has given to you. He wants his ex fiancee back, so his mentality is if you love someone go back to them (i.e. follow your heart). I would much rather you think about this logically (taking a step back and use your head, not your heart)..I will give you 3 HUGE reasons not to go back to this man... 1) The success rates of couples getting back to together after a breakup and making it work long term are incredibly LOW! 2) He left you once (diagnosed with a disorder), there is EVERY chance he will leave you again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me..There can't be a bigger red flag then have a partner diagnosed with a disorder like Bipolar. This will be in lurking the background for the rest of your life. 3) Your family despise this man. Sure you don't need a family's support to make a relationship work, but not having them onside will cause so much strain on your relationship. Differences grow bigger, distances grow wider. Relationships are hard enough as it is, without having your loved one's fully behind you. This is a decision between heart and head. Follow your heart is not always the best advise and this is a perfect example. The truth is Stella you already know what you are going to do. You are going to go back to this guy. You just want people like Dovic and others, to validate you that it is the right decision. In this case it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not the correct decision. I agree that there is love on both sides here, but the hard cold truth is a relationship needs much more then love to survive. Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. I have read your posts and its so clear your relationship with your ex, lacks so many of the important attributes I have just mentioned above. Going back to him, the odds are so against you. Not only that your relationship with your family will suffer. Leaving is the correct decision. There is no such thing as "the one". You will have another shot at love and it will be with a person your family loves and all those things I listed above (as to what makes a great relationship) will just come naturally. In the meantime focus on you and JUST you. Be the best Stella you can be. Look forward and not backwards. If you follow my advice in a few years you will thank yourself. If you don't, you will have so many regrets. It really is this simple. Stay (go back to your ex) have short term happiness and long term grief. Leave him for good, you have short term pain but long term happiness. The choice is yours Stella, but to me there is nothing more obvious on what you need to do. The sad thing is you will probably post 10 or more threads with the same questions, until you decide to eventually go back to him. You can't say you were not warned.. I wish you well Edited October 19, 2011 by Mack05
mike588 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Many of you will know my situation by now....my ex has recently asked if we can give it another go. My head says no but my heart says yes. I love him and think about him all the time but I can't risk myself going through this pain again. Has he changed or does he just miss 'us'. No one I have spoken to have advised it would be a goid idea, should I take that as a sign? Am I always going to be looking over my shoulder and not enjoy the relationship? I too have wondered the same thing if my ex. ever reaches out to me. My head and heart are at war if that situation ever arises. If you feel you need to give it another chance and give it a try go into it very slowly!!! Don't run into his arms and get all emotional or say things like I've always loved you, I've wanted you back from day one etc. etc. Try one "date" and feel it out,, see how you feel. Even if your overwhelmed with emotions don't let them show. You have the power now,don't give it to him. Don't bring up the past or reason/s for the breakup, let him. I'd act a little distant at first and again just go SLOW! As far as it going thru the pain again me personally feel that the 1st breakup is the worst. Keep your heart in check. If you have doubts that it won't work again and it doesn't you will have the feeling of Oh well ,kinda expected it, I'm not surprised and you will know that you tried,, it did'nt work and can fully move on knowing that instead of always wondering and guessing. I say this not knowing your full story. The final decision is your's. UPDATE: After reading Macks answer maybe you should'nt,, did'nt know the whole story. Edited October 19, 2011 by mike588
TheDovic Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Stella you're going to drive yourself insane! I think one way or another you are going to have to make this decision. If you are having such doubts then maybe it isn't the right thing to do. Mack is right btw, my advice isn't unbiased because I want to see other people succeeding as I want to know there's hope. This doesn't mean going back to him is best for you though. Furthermore, bipolar disorder is a terrible affliction and will more than likely cause problems for you if you do get back together. I stick by what I said in terms of your family and friends still being there if this doesn't work out, so if you do try and it fails at least you'll have support. You'll also have us on Loveshack too!
Zabs Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Your silence speaks volumes our Stella.. Irrespective of Mack's view...I stand by every word I have said...although there are a few points Mack made which are absoballylutley spot on...and no one can really dispute that.. You HAVE already made up your mind You ARE looking for validation You WILL go back whether it be flowers or doom You SHALL post several more threads, in the same about way when there is a slight change in feeling...a phone call...a text.. but I hasten to add MANY if not MOST people do that on here:p...and the simple logic is...there are MANY with broken hearts...sometimes a post reaches it's life and people stop replying...adding a thread with a slight development..means that it stays current and you get what you need. I also think that people inadvertently refer to their own experiences and project whether it'slikely or not. No one can give the answers. As far as I am aware there are no Oracles on this site... Our Stella...(directly) What did I tell you?!!! Vacation time! You will be no better off, stronger self esteem..if you DON'T turn your mind off from this for a short time! Look at it as a recharge! Don't DO anything for say...one full day...so we could hear from you say..Friday? Any decisions you make in that time, stick to...but make sure they are Specific Measured Achieveable Realistic and Timescaled SMART! Always here, Zx
M2155 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 You HAVE already made up your mind You ARE looking for validation You WILL go back whether it be flowers or doom You SHALL post several more threads, in the same about way when there is a slight change in feeling...a phone call...a text.. I agree. I think you have very serious doubts but don't want to regret "what if." If you want to see him, then date him but not exclusively until all your doubt has been resolved. It doesn't sound promising because you have such hesitation and you just said yourself you will be looking over your shoulder so maybe you want support in getting up the guts to tell him no. I have learned that doubts are there for good reason. Good luck with your decision!
lalalandman Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I would have to say play it by ear. If he gives off any sings of being a douchbag still then you know what the answer is. But don't go giving your heart away, especially with your history. At the same time, keep your options open. You're under no obligation here. If he's giving you an ultimatum, you know what the answer is. But honestly, if you're saying you love him, and aren't able to hone in your admittedly rash intentions, then you may be setting yourself up for disaster.
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) I so disagree with the dating option. He is going to show you his best side and the outcome will be the same, you will end up together. Stella look how many threads you have posted. The truth is you love him and you are going back to him, but your inner voice/gut intsinct is telling you that this is wrong. Ignoring your inner voice is a receipe for disaster.. I have no doubt in my mind this relationship will fail longterm. But, I realise I can't get through to you. This vacation should be used as a starting point to move on. Instead you are using this vacation to convince yourself to go back to this man. It will turn out to be the wrong decision... Edited October 19, 2011 by Mack05
lalalandman Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I suppose I'm in a different place emotionally. I believe in leaving the door open. People come and go all the time. I recently had a short term ex contact me. We met up and it was no biggie. She admitted to having issues with another guy, and I was plainly indifferent. She still came on to me. Currently there are 2 women I've been seeing for over a month, and no conversation has arisen about exclusivity. I firmly believe in keeping options open with a touch of skepticism. After all, my happiness and health are the main priority. I deserve what's best for me because I realize my value. If my long term ex were to contact me (I think she tried calling blocked recently), guess what? I would CONSIDER her. I'm not trying to sound smug. It's just that I owe it to myself to consider what's best for me. I think it all depends on your state of mind. You should me smart and discriminating in your choices and decisions. What I'm saying is, Stella, don't give him this idea that he's the only one. Recognize your value babe. Know that you are worth it. You're under ZERO obligation.
M2155 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Mack is right about he'll show you his good side dating, but he'll only do it for so long to get you to himself, so it's up to you how long you need in order to see who he really is. There is no other way to find out, but if you do keep your options open until you decide what's best. I actually think deep down you don't want to go back because like i said it's very obvious you have doubts...but you're afraid of regret. If walking away doesn't turn out as happy a place as you thought, then you will be left blaming yourself because it was solely your decision. I don't doubt you love him, but just because we love them doesn't always mean we should be in a relationship together. Edited October 19, 2011 by M2155
CaliBabe Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I think your doubts are your intuition warning you. I know how it feels to love someone and I do believe that love can make you blind. I would advise to take things slow and give yourself some time. If he really loves you, there is no rush.
fetish1980 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 -S- Everyone is giving you some good advice here. Some people can't learn by listening to others warning them, they actually have to go through the fire and get burned to find out the hard way. You seem to be one of those people. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you know what you're doing and don't jump back expecting everything to be like it was. I agree with Mack05 and many others on this board. It takes more than just love to make a relationship survive. There needs to be committment, respect, loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. Relationsihps are like a recipe, there has to be a componenet of everything to make it successful. You think Colonel Sander's could've had a famous recipe if it was based on just salt? (I know, funny analogy), but it helps making it easier to visualize how there has to be a blend of many things to make a r/l work. fetish
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