BW’s coping and self-delusional techniques

[Lilith Crane]

As a BW, I never saw the slightest hint of remorse from my xH. The more I tried to heal our M, the more stubborn he became about continuing his A. He was adamant that he would not give up his OW, but he was also too much of a coward to do anything about it.

 

Then, he looked me in the face and told me he loved someone else. He defended and protected her. That’s not a “fog.” That is the harshest of realities and nothing from the “BW’s coping and self-delusional techniques” was going to soothe me. That level of disrespect meant I could not allow him to be in my life anymore. To this day, I do not regret my decision to divorce him. I have never tried to reconnect with him – not even once.

 

You know what’s coming next, don’t you? I became the OW myself. This is the part I have not been able to figure out yet.

 

All I know is that the depth of passion, emotion, physicality, chemistry and all-around compatibility I experienced with my xMM was unlike anything I have never known; and, it was very REAL.

 

I believed xMM when he said his home life was miserable and chaotic. Having lived exactly that myself, I thought I knew what would come next. I was so sure he would be adamant in his refusal to give up our relationship. I was so sure he would fight for me… but he never did.

 

He looked his BW in the face and told her he loved me. What did she do? She worked the hell out of every single one of the “BW’s coping and self-delusional techniques.” She forgave him immediately. She lavished him with attention. She made every possible excuse; from that ridiculous “fog,” to him suffering a mid-life crisis, to my being some vamp seductress. In the end, they both blamed the entire affair on me! I still have the tire marks on my back. WTF? Could it really have been so easy for them to just go on as if an affair that lasted years never happened?

 

I am completely confused.

 

My xH contacted his OW constantly. He comforted HER throughout OUR break-up. How could my xMM turn off his feelings for me like a light switch? Plus, he has made some really over the top, grandiose gestures to make his BW feel better. To hear xMM tell it, it’s because he doesn’t want to lose his kids or his wealth – and he does have LOTS of materialistic nonsense in his ultra-comfortable life. Still, why is he trying so hard to save his M when he consistently claimed to despise her?

 

I am trying to remain strong. I have maintained strict NC for several months. I know he’s no good for me and truthfully, I never did trust him. I probably never would have. However, I still suffer deeply because my relationship with xMM never reached its full potential. Our love didn’t come to a natural end. Someone else got to decide it was over and I can’t do a single thing about it.

 

Obviously, I’ve made bad decisions and I don’t understand relationships at all. All I know is that I am weary of being the only person who fights for me. I’m so sad

 

The answers are right in front of me. Please help me to see them.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Lilith Crane

[woinlove]

Sorry you are in such pain. As you learned, not all affairs are the same. Perhaps your xH had an "exit affair", i.e., he was finished with the M but for some reason felt he needed someone else before he could actually exit.

 

You lived your reality, so what you lived was real. But affairs where the MM/MW is not completely finished with their M involve intimate and complex relationships between more than two people as the MM/MW's connection to the BS, whatever it is, is also real. That makes it different than the love you might share with someone who is only committed to and in love with you. The reality is you had a relationship with someone who was married and, apparently, wanted to stay married. I don't think much happiness lies in focussing on his M or even his feelings for you. He has decided to stay M and you can't control him or his decisions. All you can control is how you respond to his decision.

 

Are you in IC? Given your circumstances, I wonder if entering an affair with a MM was partly connected to being hurt and betrayed by your xH.

[TigerCub]

Lilith, I'm so sorry for you pain.

Here's how I see it.

 

When you xH cheated on you - he ended up choosing the OW.

 

Later you got into an affair situation with someone you admit to not even really trusting and I honestly think that the main thing you wanted out of it is to have the same outcome that your xH's OW had.

You just wanted to be chosen.

 

I'm not saying that your feelings of xMM's feelings were fake, its just that through MY OWN experiences, I've learned that sometimes we get into situations that can recreate a deep hurt that we've experienced and we go into these things hoping to right the wrongs of the past and get a different outcome.

 

The A that your H had caused you so much pain, and you just wanted to be chosen by this xMM.

 

-You do have to realize that not all As are the same

-A lot of MM wont leave for whatever reason (kids, finances, too involved with the W, too cowardly) whatever the reason, it doesn't matter because it is their choice.

-Even if xMM and his W are together and she chose to make up excuses for him to sweep it under the rug, that doesn't mean that they are happy - no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and you don't know how she's constantly checking his phone and emails and can't turn her back on him for a second, or if she simply doesn't care because she's having an A of her own, or she's just too in love or dependent on him.

 

Point is, you dont know what's goin on there and in the end, it really doesn't matter. You need to look out for you and really understand why you got into the situation that you got into.

 

I hope you're seeing a therapist, we all need that once in a while, and it really helps in getting some objective clarity.

 

Good luck

[alexandria35]

I agree with Woe, not all affairs are the same and in fact the majority of MM don't leave for their OW so you took quite a gamble.

 

I have never understand BW's who become OW but it doesn't seem to be all that unusual as there have been many OW posting here who were at one time a betrayed spouse. I have often wondered if it isn't some kind of unconscious attempt at righting the wrong that was done to them. Like if they could get a MM to fall in love with them and possibly even leave their spouse for them then that would prove that they are desirable and worth taking a huge risk for too.

 

Lots of MM say that they are just staying for the kids or the money. Usually people say that if the MM really wants to be with the OW he will walk away from everything to be with her. This is probably true as for the most part people choose to do what they see as as having the best outcome for themselves. I would never choose a romantic relationship over the relationship I have with my kids and family. I place a higher value on the relationships I have nutured over a lifetime then I do a new romance filled relationship that may or may not work out. So no matter how madly in love I was with another person, nobody could ever cause me to toss my family aside for that.

 

Perhaps you should consider therapy as it doesn't sound like you have ever dealt with your feelings regarding your marriage and the betrayal that took place. I could be wrong but I thought there was underlying sound of contempt in your post for betrayed wives in general. Like they are all delusional for trying to save their marriage or forgiving their husbands. But if read the betrayed boards you will see that many betrayed spouses stay only because the cheating spouse is begging them too, claiming that the OW or OM was just a big mistake and promising that they will never mess up like that again.

[spice4life]

Woinlove and tigercub said it perfectly. You have to look out for you and not concern yourself with what is going on in their marriage because in the end it doesn't really matter anyway. That is their business and the path they chose. I highly suggest counceling too. It will help you realize that happiness comes from the inside and not the outside. When the time is right, someone will walk into your life that is right for you and you will look back on this experience and see it for what it was.

[Owl]

As a BW, I never saw the slightest hint of remorse from my xH. The more I tried to heal our M, the more stubborn he became about continuing his A. He was adamant that he would not give up his OW, but he was also too much of a coward to do anything about it.

 

Then, he looked me in the face and told me he loved someone else. He defended and protected her. That’s not a “fog.” That is the harshest of realities and nothing from the “BW’s coping and self-delusional techniques” was going to soothe me. That level of disrespect meant I could not allow him to be in my life anymore. To this day, I do not regret my decision to divorce him. I have never tried to reconnect with him – not even once.

 

Smart. If you reached a point where you were done with him, done with trying to reconcile the marriage, the only smart thing to do at that point is to cut your losses and drive on, which is exactly what you did.

 

 

He looked his BW in the face and told her he loved me. What did she do? She worked the hell out of every single one of the “BW’s coping and self-delusional techniques.” She forgave him immediately. She lavished him with attention. She made every possible excuse; from that ridiculous “fog,” to him suffering a mid-life crisis, to my being some vamp seductress. In the end, they both blamed the entire affair on me! I still have the tire marks on my back. WTF? Could it really have been so easy for them to just go on as if an affair that lasted years never happened?

 

Well, here's the thing. You can't blame her for what she opted to do...at the end of the day...it worked. She successfully ended the affair between the two of you, and from what it appears they've successfully reconciled and have started rebuilding their marriage.

 

I'm sure there's nothing "easy" about what they're doing...reconciling a marriage after infidelity is damned tough.

 

 

I am completely confused.

 

My xH contacted his OW constantly. He comforted HER throughout OUR break-up. How could my xMM turn off his feelings for me like a light switch? Plus, he has made some really over the top, grandiose gestures to make his BW feel better. To hear xMM tell it, it’s because he doesn’t want to lose his kids or his wealth – and he does have LOTS of materialistic nonsense in his ultra-comfortable life. Still, why is he trying so hard to save his M when he consistently claimed to despise her?

 

Well, there are two possibilities.

 

One...he lied to you about how he felt about her, and about you. He had an agenda, a goal...and he used whatever means worked to reach it. He got it...then he got caught...and then he went into damage control mode and ended up staying with his wife.

 

Two...he truly felt that way about her, and about you...but not strongly enough to want to face the pain that would occur when/if he truly decided to end his marriage and build a life with you. The "pain" of staying and living without you in his life was less than the "pain" of ending his marriage and family and pursuing a life with you.

 

 

I am trying to remain strong. I have maintained strict NC for several months. I know he’s no good for me and truthfully, I never did trust him. I probably never would have. However, I still suffer deeply because my relationship with xMM never reached its full potential. Our love didn’t come to a natural end. Someone else got to decide it was over and I can’t do a single thing about it.

 

Obviously, I’ve made bad decisions and I don’t understand relationships at all. All I know is that I am weary of being the only person who fights for me. I’m so sad

 

The answers are right in front of me. Please help me to see them.

 

The answers aren't important. What's important is ...what do you do NOW?

 

It sounds like you're doing the right thing...NC, and living your own life. Grieve the loss of the relationship with him, learn from it, and drive on.

[MissBee]

The idea that "someone else" decided your relationship was over, isn't true. Your exMM decided this. If a man truly loves a woman....whether this woman is his wife of OW, it is highly unlikely, if not impossible, that he can be "convinced" out of it, if it is true. A man that can be convinced into not loving you and blaming you for the affair...sad to say, didn't love you that much anyway and is one easily manipulated fellow who has bigger fish to fry!

 

I think you have it all wrong in terms of "fighting for you"....what does this mean? What would fighting for you have looked like? Your xH disrespected you and then ran off with the other woman and comforted her etc....he is not a charmer in my eyes, and I have no clue how they're doing now...but I'd NEVER be satisfied with that. Honestly, as a woman, as a human being, if I ever, by some stretch of the imagination "ended up" in an A again....you better believe that I would expect decency to his wife and family, as much as can be had. Well I would never have an A knowingly, as I'd tell him to go sort out his life and not involve me...but if somehow I did and felt we were soulmates...I'd demand him show them respect in spite of "loving someone else". I wouldn't expect him to "fight for me"...don't I already love him and if he supposedly loves me too...then all he has to do is work through respectfully leaving. What's to fight for?

 

I think most time ideas of fighting for love are signals that this love is not meant to be, hence people end up struggling so much. I am sorry that you went through that but you are right...you have to fight for you. You can't expect some man to deem you worthy of fighting for. I do think some counseling may help you to put things in perspective, because I suspect, as is normal with most people, that there is more going on than meets the eye.

[Lilith Crane]

Goodness! What insightful and thought-provoking posts you have all provided me. A sincere thank you for taking the time to share your perspectives and give me the bigger picture. OK, let me roll up my sleeves and see if I can get myself sorted out here.

 

The situation with my xH was definitely an exit affair. He neeeded me to do the hard work of filing for divorce and muddling through the details. Incidentally, he dropped his OW before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers. In all honesty, I am still a little resentful about that, but have come to accept it. You are right though. This is definitely connected to why I became involved with a MM years down the road. This is warped thinking, so stick with me for a second...

 

Pessimism took over for a long while. Looking back, I guess I felt that if I was so devoted to my xH and he would hurt me this way, anyone else probably would too. At the very least least I knew who the xMM was cheating with. (Bleh!)

 

Your posts are really making me look deep inside myself. Yes, It was fantastic to feel desired and to allow myself to be charmed. You hit the nail on the head, I wanted to believe I was worth the risk too. I guess that is all I meant by wanting somenone to fight for me. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to feel like I was important enough for someone to stand up and say he was willing to go through the firestorm for me. I would have for him. So, when I wasn't chosen again, that made me feel quite jaded.

 

However, I am not contemptuous of BW's who choose to forgive. I genuinely just don't understand. Alexandria, your words about cultivating family resonated with me. But the lies. Wow! I have never experienced lies like this before. I'm going to keep thinking about what you said. I am also going to try and figure out how to make this a learning experience. Learn to be happy from the inside. Hmm...

 

Texas, darlin', you summed this up really well. xMM did end it. He was finished even if I wasn't. That's a hard pill to swallow.

 

Whew! You are all really making me think. I am so glad I posted. Please keep the great advice coming. Evidently, I am in severe need of as much wisdom as I can get! Thank you, again.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Lilith Crane

[TigerCub]

Its funny Lilith (not haha funny, but its interesting)...

 

your experience with your xH made you jaded and cynical about relationships, and then you went into an A - and speaking from experience, NOTHING can reinforce that cynicism and distrust in people quite like being in an A.

 

It just reinforced that people are liars, people are cheaters, people are users and can't be trusted.

 

I'm glad that now you understand your motives for getting into the situation that you got into better.

 

So what now? Do you think you might seek out therapy? Do you think one day you will be able to open up(to a compatible and available man;)) and risk it all even if nothing is guaranteed?

 

I hope so. Even if we end up getting hurt, at least we lived a little and took a chance.

Edited October 19, 2011 by TigerCub

[FirstNobleTruth]

Lilith,

 

I'm a BW whose first instinct upon learning of my H's A was to forgive, to turn my full attention to him and our M, and to try to understand what it was about him that led to the A. I wouldn't call this "working the hell out of every single one of the 'BW's coping and self-delusional instincts.'" It was just the way I reacted. It took me by surprise, actually, but I thought things through and got outside help and did what I thought was right for me and my M every step of the way.

 

I wasn't trying to win anything. My M is not a contest, and my H is not a consolation prize. I was (and still am) just trying to live my own life according to my highest values, including treating myself and others with love and dignity. As it happens, my H has been equally dedicated to recovering our M, and we are still married and happy together. But believe me when I say that nothing, but *nothing*, I could have done would have "made" my H stay married to me if he didn't want to be.

 

I am so sorry that your last two relationships have ended so painfully, and I hope you will find healing. I understand perfectly about feeling "weary of being the only person who fights for me." In kindness and honesty, however, I would suggest that (except for the weariness) that is exactly as it should be. It is up to each of us to fight for ourselves. When we love and trust ourselves, it comes naturally.

 

You can learn to love and trust yourself. Start by taking care of yourself as if you were taking care of your own precious child. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. This is the other side of the golden rule, which (IMO) too many women ignore.

 

You've asked for advice, so here's mine: Let go of the idea that the OW and the BW had one iota more control over you or the men in your life than you had. Let go of the idea that you need, deserve, or want a man in your life to "take care" of you. Take back the job of caring for yourself, and when you feel well taken care of you can let love in and enjoy it.

 

Your willingness to open up and learn from this will serve you well. I wish the best for you.

[Lilith Crane]

I just keep reading this thread over and over, nodding my head in agreement. I really want your words to sink in and stay.

 

Tiger, dear, you can tell I am resistant to this idea of therapy, can't you? I know you mentioned it above as well. I suppose it just seems as though I would be rehashing the past over and again; but, I'm doing that all alone and it's not getting me anywhere is it?

 

I don't want another man. Not anytime soon. I'm not ready. But I do want that exclusive, bonded, steadfast feeling. That's the best. I hope I can be open enough to try for that again one day.

 

FirstNobleTruth, you made me laugh at the irony of what I was saying and your post post really touched me. As a BW, you shouldn't have to give up what you want or what you have worked so hard to build over the years. You're right. There's no contest. You brought back a memory.

 

I met an elderly lady in a clothing store about a year ago. She was buying a new outfit for her 50-something wedding anniversary! I couldn't help myself but to ask, HOW did you get there? She said, "I forgave him - A LOT. We would not have made it any other way."

 

Ugh - I still don't know if I could have done it. But best wishes and blessings to everyone, whatever your choices. I hope your partners appreciate your kind hearts and treat you well.

 

Still listening...

[TigerCub]

I just keep reading this thread over and over, nodding my head in agreement. I really want your words to sink in and stay.

 

Tiger, dear, you can tell I am resistant to this idea of therapy, can't you? I know you mentioned it above as well. I suppose it just seems as though I would be rehashing the past over and again; but, I'm doing that all alone and it's not getting me anywhere is it?

 

I don't want another man. Not anytime soon. I'm not ready. But I do want that exclusive, bonded, steadfast feeling. That's the best. I hope I can be open enough to try for that again one day.

 

I understand that not everyone is open to the idea of therapy.

 

This is definitely not the same as what you went through..but..

I have a really dear friend that was molested as a child, the experience has haunted her all her life and as a result she can't open up to anyone, she's sad, she's lonely, she's consumed by shame, etc...

I've suggested therapy to her multiple times.

She feels that she doesn't see the point in it - she doesn't see how reliving an experience over in a therapist's office will help her.

 

But the thing is, she relives it every day and she can't move past it.

 

So I gave her the analogy of throwing up.

Ya know that feeling when you feel so sick you just have to throw up, but because its a gross feeling, you hold back on it and you don't let yourself throw up - that's what she's doing, because she fears that gross taste, that eyes burning, disgusting feeling that comes with throwing up, she wont do it. (ya know - metaphorically)

 

But the thing is - we all feel better after we do it.

 

So that's the way I see it.

Sometimes we just fear the grossness of something and so we don't do it, but we could actually feel so much better after we endure it.

 

that's my clever analogy for it - hope it makes sense.

 

But I completely understand your hesitation to therapy, and I hope that with or without it, you find your peace and your joy and all the love you deserve.

 

Good Luck

[Lilith Crane]

Yes, Very clever, Tiger. I do understand and can feel it welling up even now...

 

Hugs to you!

[Lilith Crane]

Well, here's the thing. You can't blame her for what she opted to do...at the end of the day...it worked. She successfully ended the affair between the two of you, and from what it appears they've successfully reconciled and have started rebuilding their marriage.

 

I'm sure there's nothing "easy" about what they're doing...reconciling a marriage after infidelity is damned tough.

 

This is a very interesting point and I would like to learn more about it. I don't know what a reconciliation effort looks like when both spouses are willing to try. What is it like? How can you tell it's sincere?

[Owl]

I'll admit to being a lazy man...if you like, do a search for threads started by me. My wife and I have successfully reconciled our marriage after her EA.

 

Reconciliation SHOULD start out with the ending of the affair. Complete and total NC between the WS and the AP.

 

Then the spouses need to work on communication, and the rebuilding of trust and trustworthiness. Most often, this is facilitated by marriage counseling.

 

It typically takes 2-5 years for most marriages to successfully recover from the damage done by infidelity...if they do. Many don't/can't.

 

From your side of the triangle...you should see none of this. As the affair partner, the first step is to remove you from the equation...so once that's done, you should see pretty much nothing more about what goes on in their marriage/lives. That's what it sounds like they've done so far.

[Got it]

I think what you need to look at is not a competition or "choosing" of any one woman. What, in this case, the MM was doing was choosing between their "old" life and the unknown "new" life.

 

It seems like for your MM he wasn't done with his old life enough to want to make any changes. He may not have realized that was the case, he may have and lied. But ultimately when the cards were on the table he decided to keep status quo (whatever that looks like). Ultimately he wasn't done.

 

It really isn't about you or about her. It is about him.

 

In my case, dMM left. He didn't say he was leaving for me as we were broken up at the time, but we did get back together. I know I was a factor but pushed that he needed to leave becuase the marriage didn't work not because I was shiny and new. He needed to own his decision on it. That took some struggling for him to make a decision.

 

I understand reconciling, I understand leaving, what I don't understand is a MP going back but not putting in any work either way. That piece is the head scratcher for me.

[Gentlegirl]

It's easier for them to go back, even if they don't put any work into the marriage.

 

That way, they don't have to uproot themselves, face up to making a whole new life. If they can smooth things over and be reasonably content, it's a whole lot more comfortable and convenient.

 

My xMM did exactly that. He had been bored in his marriage for a long time. He merely went back, behaved himself for a while and now is back on a dating website, looking for another A.

 

I suppose, it was easier to look for another outlet than resolve a monumental issue.... I am supposing that's the way he thinks. Not my thoughts at all.

 

GG

[Lilith Crane]

Thanks for the replies. I do see now that my xMM was just hedging his bets. He wanted the life that would provide him the path of least resistance, family and portfolio well in tact. Most importantly, he knows I don't believe in causing unnecessary drama or stirring up trouble for no reason. He knows I'll abide by his decision and do my best to leave him alone.

 

His BW, on the other hand, well... {Delete, delete, delete} Let's just say, she's not the type to go quietly and leave it at that.

 

Anyhow, I have been doing a lot of introspection lately and I genuinely wonder whether things would have worked out for us in the long term, especially now that xMM has crushed my rose colored glasses under the heel of his shoe.

 

I don't like xMM as a person anymore.

 

{Delete - trying not be vindictive. Whew, this being graceful stuff really sucks sometimes!} For this part, I'll just say lots of factors would have made things really stressful for us. What if he decided to flee to yet another woman for comfort?

 

Maybe realizing all that they have is what makes it so "easy" for MP's to abruptly end everything and turn their backs. Cruel to be kind, as it were?

 

Then again, maybe it's not all that deep. Maybe they're just selfish.

 

I have intensely deep feelings for xMM but I probably did dodge a bullet. It sure doesn't feel like it right now though. I hate that I miss him so much. I shouldn't waste the energy, but I still wonder if xMM misses me.

 

If there are any MP's out there who could shed some light on the situation, I would be very interested to hear your thoughts.

 

What is the end of the affair like for the WS? Do you feel like you "dodged a bullet?"

[anne1707]

As a former WS, I did have to mourn the end of the relationship with the ex-OM and it was a very bad time for me. It was definitely not a case of switching feelings on and off to suit the occasion. However I wanted to reconcile my marriage and had to find a way of dealing with those feelings without hurting my H any more than I already had. I already knew that whatever pain I felt was nothing compared to what I had done to my H. I can also say that I have never regretted my decision to stay with my H and never felt regret for not being with the ex-OM.

 

Did I dodge a bullet? Oh yes! Whether you call it fog (which I do) or just being able to see more clearly as your thoughts are less clouded by emotions, I now see the ex-OM for what he is. He is a man who has never managed to have a relationship extend beyond 5 years - he is now on his 3rd marriage at almost 50 years old. He never accepted responsibility for any part in the end of past relationships - it was always the woman's fault whilst he was the "good" husband or boyfriend. His 1st wife left him for someone else, his 2nd wife was married when they first met and they had an affair, he and I had an affair and then he started working on the 3rd wife whilst she was still married and still tried to cause problems with me even though the affair was over. This is a man who did not just have poor boundaries when he had an affair with me. It shows throughout his entire relationship history which is far longer than I detailed above.

[Lilith Crane]

I appreciate your honesty, Anne.

 

"...just being able to see more clearly as your thoughts are less clouded by emotions,"

 

This makes sense to me. This is not coping. This is seeing with clarity and I like that because there is a removal of denial.

 

You faced the truth and figured out what was really happening for you.

 

I hope things go well for you.

 

Any other WS? Come out wherever you are...

[mzdolphin]

It's easier for them to go back, even if they don't put any work into the marriage.

 

That way, they don't have to uproot themselves, face up to making a whole new life. If they can smooth things over and be reasonably content, it's a whole lot more comfortable and convenient.

 

My xMM did exactly that. He had been bored in his marriage for a long time. He merely went back, behaved himself for a while and now is back on a dating website, looking for another A.

 

I suppose, it was easier to look for another outlet than resolve a monumental issue.... I am supposing that's the way he thinks. Not my thoughts at all.

 

GG

 

 

This is so true. I was a sports writer and did marketing for luxury men's skincare. And guys are creatures of habit more so than women. And money and property are WAY more important to men than women. That is why if a guy is over 40 and has accumulated some wealth, such as homes, etc., they really don't want to start over.

 

You're out there, single and having fun, sex and fresh and new and it might seem inciting, but they don't want to go there. They don't want to lose their home, pay her money. That is why married men don't leave. They have to be kicked out by their wives who are fed up with the cheating.

 

If a woman is ok being married to someone who cheated on her, chances are the marriage will remain in tack. Doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife. Doesn't mean he doesn't think about you. But if a guy can have his cake and eat it too, most of the time he will. Sad, but true.

[Got it]

This is so true. I was a sports writer and did marketing for luxury men's skincare. And guys are creatures of habit more so than women. And money and property are WAY more important to men than women. That is why if a guy is over 40 and has accumulated some wealth, such as homes, etc., they really don't want to start over.

 

You're out there, single and having fun, sex and fresh and new and it might seem inciting, but they don't want to go there. They don't want to lose their home, pay her money. That is why married men don't leave. They have to be kicked out by their wives who are fed up with the cheating.

 

If a woman is ok being married to someone who cheated on her, chances are the marriage will remain in tack. Doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife. Doesn't mean he doesn't think about you. But if a guy can have his cake and eat it too, most of the time he will. Sad, but true.

 

I SOOOOOOOOO want to disagree with this!

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But I can't. . .

[ChanceS]

Honestly...I would bet the number of men who truly leave on their own is saddly low. I know too many woman who have KICKED thier men out of the house. I mean kicked. forced. And the OW who probably believe the other story the MM is telling them. I get it~ Its a pride thing for everyone. The MM doesn't really want to leave but he can't tell the OW~ She might stop having sex with him and kissing his ass. He worked too hard to have it all.

I don't know ladies... Sometimes don't you want to ask your MM ExW how everything really went down???

[spice4life]

Honestly...I would bet the number of men who truly leave on their own is saddly low. I know too many woman who have KICKED thier men out of the house. I mean kicked. forced. And the OW who probably believe the other story the MM is telling them. I get it~ Its a pride thing for everyone. The MM doesn't really want to leave but he can't tell the OW~ She might stop having sex with him and kissing his ass. He worked too hard to have it all.

I don't know ladies... Sometimes don't you want to ask your MM ExW how everything really went down???

 

Mine never told me anything about his marriage good, bad or otherwise. Call me crazy, but I never asked about their relationship and never had the desire to either. I assumed he wanted to stay and never assumed anything horribly negative went on between them. I'm actually glad he didn't put his wife down to me...their relationship was none of my business really.

[beenburned]

A lot of posters have mentioned accumulated wealth, assets, and lifestyle are hard for any WS to give up.

 

In today's society usually BOTH spouses work together to obtain money and assets, that it takes YEARS to build up.

 

Why should the BW not fight to save her marriage/husband since she is the one that has sacrificed for YEARS beside him in order to have what they now have?