8ball_lynn Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I would like to find out how often or what happened to those people that forgave their cheating spouse and tried to make it work... Does it usually not work out? Does everyone end up being miserable bc the one that was cheated on can never trust again and/or the cheater has to be on lockdown to prove that she/he is never doing anything to betray that trust? I have just found out my H has been cheating. According to him it never got physical but he had been texting sexual conversations with one woman and more emotional ones with another woman. I feel very stupid for wanting to try and make it work but I do, through professional counseling and his willing to do anything and everything to win my trust back - he has offered to try and get a new job so that our hours are more similar, remove contacts from his life with whom I feel uncomfortable about, change his phone number, deleted his facebook, let me access his email, phone whenever I want to prove to me that he can be trusted. But will this all really win my trust back. Will he be miserable for living in such a strict relationship, resent me and just hurt me again? Will I really ever be able to trust him again? This is what I want but like I said I just feel stupid for trying...
seren Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Hi Lynne, sorry you are going through this. My H owned up to an 8 month A some 4 years ago, we stayed together and, we are happily reconciled and I would say that had someone told me all that time ago, that we would or could be as happy as we are, I wouldn't have believed them. All situations are different, some work, some don't. I can say truthfully that once I knew, I had no fears he would stay in touch with OW or want to be with her. I made it as easy as I could for him to leave our marriage and he chose to stay, I knew without doubt, that I wanted us to work, if I didn't, I would have left. The first thing I insisted upon was total transparency, which, after a few weeks of drip drip truth telling, I got. It wasn't easy, it hurt, very much. But, I also knew that H also wanted it to work and between us we worked out the why's of it, what had happened in our marriage for him to do this? What needed to change, what was happening with him and what he needed to do to change and what I needed to do to change too. A lot of truth telling, a lot of change, but mostly the fact that we still loved each other and wanted us to work. Neither of us wanted a life without the other. For me, that was the bottom line. I would say that the intense bonding that goes on after a D Day is like living in a whirlwind, likewise the turmoil of feelings, the love them, hate what they did, the, they hate themselves and what they did and the how could I have missed it, am I a fool? all those things swirl about while you are possibly at your most vulnerable. Fact is, very, very few BS know that there is an A happening under their noses. The WS gets very clever at gaslighting and making you feel as though you are going bonkers. In some instances a D Day is an unwelcome relief as you think so, that's what it was all about. Mine was never on lockdown, nor did I monitor his phone, emails check his pockets, whatever. I had to take it that he had the opportunity to leave, he didn't, he had far more to lose than I by cheating again and for me to stay, I had to believe him when he said it wouldn't happen again. Strange as it might seem, I never, not once, checked up on him. He knew that if he did, there would be no second chances. All the checking up in the world wouldn't stop him from doing it again if he chose. But, I would no longer just accept his bad behaviour and excuse it and put it down to stress. We have changed a lot, we talk far more, well H does, I have always talked and asked, he no longer hides problems and I no longer leave him to stew. We had been together over 20 years when the A happened, I would say that the A has left scars on our old marriage, but not the new relationship we have built up since D Day. It can work, it takes a lot of commitment, but that's what a good relationship is I suppose. In the early days we limited ourselves to how long we spoke about the A, but not the time we spent discussing us. Frankly, once it was over, it was over. What was our focus, was our relationship and what we needed to do. I would say that the corner was finally turned around the 2 and a half year mark, it just became part of our history, of course there are times still when I think that we are so happy it was a dammed shame that the A happened. But that we can acknowledge that speaks volumes about how far we have come. I wish anyone just starting out the very, very best of thoughts. Once the dust settles and once you begin the process of reconciliation, with a plan, with boundaries it gets easier. I am sure there will be others who will give their wisdom and equally others who will or cannot understand. Either way I hope it works for you.
Summer Breeze Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Don't feel stupid for trying. You need to do what you need to do and if it is different from everyone else then so be it. You need to make sure you have no regrets. If you walk away you need to know you did everything you needed to and if you stay with him you need to make sure you don't regret not walking. You can ask for advice till you're blue in the face but none of us is you. For every story you find comfort there's another that will scare you to death. Read it all but remember this is all about you and what you want for your life.
Spark1111 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 You have the right to decide NOT TO DECIDE anything for as long as you want. When faced with a life-altering event, it is okay to take your time, monitor and assess your feelings and HIS actions before you decide to stay or to go. It's your life and for now, that choice is up to you, whenever you feel you can make it.
Linda9999 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I decided to give getting back together a go. I have not decided to 'forgive' him yet - what does that even mean really? I have promised him that if he keeps being transparent and doesn't cheat again I will continue to do my best to have a great marriage. And so far it's working well. We're 19 months past the first D day and we have a great relationship. If we get to 2 or 3 years out and I decide I can't do it any more and want to end it, so be it. I can't see that happening, but it could I suppose. There are no guarantees. And as for him having to live under lockdown - well, he made the choice to cheat so he has to live with the consequences. If he feels too stifled and wants out then he can get out. If he wants to be with me, he'll have to put up with me having access to everything, at least for a while longer anyway, and maybe forever.
reboot Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I never felt stupid for trying. I will never regret trying.
nofool4u Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I would like to find out how often or what happened to those people that forgave their cheating spouse and tried to make it work... Does it usually not work out? Does everyone end up being miserable bc the one that was cheated on can never trust again and/or the cheater has to be on lockdown to prove that she/he is never doing anything to betray that trust? you'll find alot of cheaters here that say they are willing to do anything to make it up to the person they treated like dog crap. but most simply want to get away with what they did with as little hassle as possible. they'll tell the BS they need to "get over it", and that they shouldn't have to come home and basically act like a spouse just because the BS still can't trust. sorry cheaters, you hurt someone bad, you don't get to skate and think that this is your betrayed partner's problem.
no_idea_why Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Hi Lynne, sorry you are going through this. My H owned up to an 8 month A some 4 years ago, we stayed together and, we are happily reconciled and I would say that had someone told me all that time ago, that we would or could be as happy as we are, I wouldn't have believed them. All situations are different, some work, some don't. I can say truthfully that once I knew, I had no fears he would stay in touch with OW or want to be with her. I made it as easy as I could for him to leave our marriage and he chose to stay, I knew without doubt, that I wanted us to work, if I didn't, I would have left. The first thing I insisted upon was total transparency, which, after a few weeks of drip drip truth telling, I got. It wasn't easy, it hurt, very much. But, I also knew that H also wanted it to work and between us we worked out the why's of it, what had happened in our marriage for him to do this? What needed to change, what was happening with him and what he needed to do to change and what I needed to do to change too. A lot of truth telling, a lot of change, but mostly the fact that we still loved each other and wanted us to work. Neither of us wanted a life without the other. For me, that was the bottom line. I would say that the intense bonding that goes on after a D Day is like living in a whirlwind, likewise the turmoil of feelings, the love them, hate what they did, the, they hate themselves and what they did and the how could I have missed it, am I a fool? all those things swirl about while you are possibly at your most vulnerable. Fact is, very, very few BS know that there is an A happening under their noses. The WS gets very clever at gaslighting and making you feel as though you are going bonkers. In some instances a D Day is an unwelcome relief as you think so, that's what it was all about. Mine was never on lockdown, nor did I monitor his phone, emails check his pockets, whatever. I had to take it that he had the opportunity to leave, he didn't, he had far more to lose than I by cheating again and for me to stay, I had to believe him when he said it wouldn't happen again. Strange as it might seem, I never, not once, checked up on him. He knew that if he did, there would be no second chances. All the checking up in the world wouldn't stop him from doing it again if he chose. But, I would no longer just accept his bad behaviour and excuse it and put it down to stress. We have changed a lot, we talk far more, well H does, I have always talked and asked, he no longer hides problems and I no longer leave him to stew. We had been together over 20 years when the A happened, I would say that the A has left scars on our old marriage, but not the new relationship we have built up since D Day. It can work, it takes a lot of commitment, but that's what a good relationship is I suppose. In the early days we limited ourselves to how long we spoke about the A, but not the time we spent discussing us. Frankly, once it was over, it was over. What was our focus, was our relationship and what we needed to do. I would say that the corner was finally turned around the 2 and a half year mark, it just became part of our history, of course there are times still when I think that we are so happy it was a dammed shame that the A happened. But that we can acknowledge that speaks volumes about how far we have come. I wish anyone just starting out the very, very best of thoughts. Once the dust settles and once you begin the process of reconciliation, with a plan, with boundaries it gets easier. I am sure there will be others who will give their wisdom and equally others who will or cannot understand. Either way I hope it works for you. Seren, I must say THANK you for posting what you did. I have been searching for support groups and reading threads on this site for hours, HOPING to find a story of someone who lived through a cheating spouse and came out the other end STILL together and happy they stuck with it. I am 3 months after the D-Day (finding out that my spouse had been cheating 19 years of our 22 year marriage, 25 years together....multiple women involved). I am still in the shock, post-traumatic stress stage of this and we are in counseling together. He is doing everything I ask of him, answering all my bizarre interrogations....it's just that many days I just don't know if all this effort, this hard, exhausting, draining work and TALKING is worth it since it feels completely IMPOSSIBLE that I could really trust him or feel 'safe' with him again. THANK YOU for showing me that it IS possible to stay and be happy with your spouse again. And to you, 8ball lynn, please don't feel stupid for trying. You've got a lot invested (as I do) and you care about this person. I say don't kick him out of your life before you've done EVERYTHING you can to be sure it's over. If he does it again, then show him the door and go on to live your BEST LIFE ever. That's my motto, anyway. Easy to live by it somedays, very hard on other days, especially when self esteem and trust are shattered into a million pieces. Take care of yourself and hang in there.
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