The Official First OWs Club - new Members Welcome

[Ruby_shoes]

Speaking of inspiring each other with good ideas. Anybody have any thought of how to move through thinking about MM, and just overall still feeling connected to him and feeling him. Im through all the intense emotions, sad, mad. I just find myself still wondering if I ever will connect with him again, will he ever come back available, and still just feel him. I know to truly move forward, I truly have to let go and need to take the next step.

 

Im only 2 weeks into NC, so maybe I am expecting alot of myself to not still have this be in my mind and heart as much as it is. Im just really committed to moving forward and not be one of those that gets stuck in the woulda shoulda couldas and I thought I would ask on this thread as I love the spirit of it as it is truly about reclaiming our lives, being whole and moving into the future expecting the best. I would love to hear anybody elses success with really letting go of them occupying so much of your thoughts.

 

I am in the same boat as you heart, 2 weeks since MM last contacted me but feeling stronger already. I'm working on the thinking thing too but just wanted to say my timeline is looking like yours. I started yoga which is helping me be more in the moment whilst at class and I'm just hoping if I stay positive as much as I can the thoughts will diminish on their own. If I find a way that helps though i will share

[bentnotbroken]

I recently entered the ow territory, however I have a man of my own too, somehow or other my relationship at home has improved massively, soooo confused. I love both. feel soo charged and good and bad all at the same time. Very tricky situation. I just think society's rules are influenced massively by religion, there should be more free love lol. I feel like unreal right now, although I know It may all come crashing down, whats a girl to do.

 

 

You do know there are people who aren't influenced by religion, don't believe in it or practice it...yet they manage to love freely without cheating?????

[Barrsitter]

A thought about how to think about MM.

 

Don't.

 

And if you do, as soon as you find yourself thinking about MM, repeat in your head over and over...."be here now".

 

When you think about what was or what might be, you are not being present. The past is gone, the future dooesn't exist. All you have is now, so be present in it.

 

Thinking about MM is really thinking about someone that doesn't exist in your present moment. Don't waste another precious moment thinking about tomorrow or your future or MM or who else might come along.

 

Be here now. Present moment. Look around and enjoy whatever you are seeing, smelling, hearing in this present moment. Then thank God or the Universe, for being here now. Doing this will bring peace to your heart and that is what we all want.

 

This one thing has really helped me greatly.

[imperfectangel]

Count me in!!

[heartinlove]

Heart, the key is to remind yourself to "surrender" to the Universe where you acknowledge what was, and what may be, but, now you are letting go of being in charge of the Universe. You become comfortable in the "not knowing", having, as the Buddhists say "know-nothing mind". Extremely difficult, I know.

 

My MM and I had decided it was "all or nothing", that is what we both had acknowledged. Think about that, you know what you want and you know what you don't. You don't want to be a second class citizen, who can only see her MM when he has time. Think about holidays when you can't see him, or think about how you know he is catering to his wife, in one way or another. Think about it, let it get you mad and upset. Think. You do not want that. You want him 100% or nothing.

 

Let him miss you, let him think you have moved on, you are doing that, in fact, you are, tiny step by tiny step, and he will sense that energy. Stay strong. There is nothing there but pain if you look backward, remember? Only pain, and it is in the past, my dear.

 

Now, look forward, today, knowing that each day you live, you leave more of that pain behind, farther and farther away. In your surrender, you stop replaying the tapes in your head, the conversations, you stop replaying the good times and kind words. You acknowledge them, like pretty toys you used to play with, but set them down, because you are too grown-up for that anymore. Those toys (thoughts, remembrances) are just pretty distractions that keep you from focusing your energy on the real stuff you want. And it is not pain. You acknowledge all the pain and drama and love and joy that came with that relationship, and step toward the future, where a real relationship awaits you. Another will love you, another will make your heart sing, someday.

 

And when you meet that person, you will be even more desirable because you will have loved deeply and lost, you will bring a more tender heart into the next relationship, and a kind and loving man will see that. It may not be on the surface but it is something that will be sensed. The heart that has been broken, hurt, drug thru pain, and come out the other side is all the more beautiful, tender. Breathe deeply - remember yourself as a child. Do not continue to hurt that child, do not put her in harm's way anymore, take care of her, she needs you to look after her. That is your job - to take care of all of yourself. Frame a photo of your beautiful child self and put it on your desk as a reminder of the sweet girl that is still there and deserves so much more!

 

These are the thoughts I have used to change the energy of my situation.

 

Dig in, find your power, girl, you have it with you, take it, remember? Take good, sweet care of yourself.

 

Surrender and let it all float away from you, we cannot read the future but we can take care of ourselves today. You have made it thru the first crucial time, keep going, breathe deeply and be proud of yourself for taking the big, first step. Surrender.

 

And know we are with you every step of the way.

 

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. They are exactly what I needed to hear. I loved all of your suggestions and will take them to heart. I have been focusing on surrendering all this up and truly letting go and it has made a world of difference. And the part about the child brought tears to my eyes. You are so right on. Thank You!!!!!

[heartinlove]

Thanks Barsitter for all your suggestions. I will go get that book again. I read it awhile ago, but it would be a great book for right now. What you and Sad Puppy said really helps. I really have to surrender all this up and be comfortable with the unknown and the here and now. I am doing a million times better today.

 

Also, I've noticed the more grateful I am for all that I do have the less thoughts I have of MM. Also, whats been helping is every time he comes into my mind I consciously give him up to the universe, and I consciously sever the bonds and reaffirm that I am now choosing someone available. That has really helped bring my mind back to the present and to enjoying my life. Again, I really like this thread. So helpful. I will keep you posted on progress with all of this.

 

Good luck to you Ruby shoes and welcome to this thread.

 

Also, I have no temptation to contact MM, so thats not an issue. I never was the one to reach out first anyway. I know I will be strong in that regard. I am ready to heal, and ready to move forward now.

[Barrsitter]

Everyone! Help! Had a moment of being really pissed off today. For some stupid reason I read an article online about how to divorce-proof your marriage. One suggestion was to ensure there was intimacy in the marriage (sexual). Suddently, I became really angry about my xMM whose W has NEVER approached him for sex for the past 30 years they have been together. They stopped having sex in 2007 and he told me recently he would never be intimate with her ever. Yet, he and I (high school sweethearts reconnected after 25+ yrs - he claiming he never stopped loving me throughout) had sex that went far beyond physical release. It was true soul-intimacy fully expressed sexually. So, stupidly I read this article and then got mad that he would stay (or at least he's still there and possibly trying to leave) with a woman he said he would never make love to you again. AAARRRRGHHHHH. Why stay with anyone you don't want to be intimate with? I don't get that!!!!! Someone explain it to me so I can understand!!!!!!

 

I'm really off my "Be Present Now" mantra. Damn it!

[Owl]

Everyone! Help! Had a moment of being really pissed off today. For some stupid reason I read an article online about how to divorce-proof your marriage. One suggestion was to ensure there was intimacy in the marriage (sexual). Suddently, I became really angry about my xMM whose W has NEVER approached him for sex for the past 30 years they have been together. They stopped having sex in 2007 and he told me recently he would never be intimate with her ever. Yet, he and I (high school sweethearts reconnected after 25+ yrs - he claiming he never stopped loving me throughout) had sex that went far beyond physical release. It was true soul-intimacy fully expressed sexually. So, stupidly I read this article and then got mad that he would stay (or at least he's still there and possibly trying to leave) with a woman he said he would never make love to you again. AAARRRRGHHHHH. Why stay with anyone you don't want to be intimate with? I don't get that!!!!! Someone explain it to me so I can understand!!!!!!

 

I'm really off my "Be Present Now" mantra. Damn it!

 

Either he lied to you about the frequency/quality/initiation of intimacy, or the other aspects of his marriage to her outweighed the negative aspect of this APPARENT lack.

 

The trick to get back to your mantra is to prevent yourself from worrying about HIS side of things, and keep your focus on YOUR side of things...best thing for anyone at your point in things.

[Barrsitter]

Owl....thank you! Good point about not worrying about his side of things. Just lost my equilibrium for a moment there. Thank you!!! On track again.

[heartinlove]

Everyone! Help! Had a moment of being really pissed off today. For some stupid reason I read an article online about how to divorce-proof your marriage. One suggestion was to ensure there was intimacy in the marriage (sexual). Suddently, I became really angry about my xMM whose W has NEVER approached him for sex for the past 30 years they have been together. They stopped having sex in 2007 and he told me recently he would never be intimate with her ever. Yet, he and I (high school sweethearts reconnected after 25+ yrs - he claiming he never stopped loving me throughout) had sex that went far beyond physical release. It was true soul-intimacy fully expressed sexually. So, stupidly I read this article and then got mad that he would stay (or at least he's still there and possibly trying to leave) with a woman he said he would never make love to you again. AAARRRRGHHHHH. Why stay with anyone you don't want to be intimate with? I don't get that!!!!! Someone explain it to me so I can understand!!!!!!

 

I'm really off my "Be Present Now" mantra. Damn it!

 

Hi Barsitter. I think Owl had great advice. Everytime you find yourself obsessing about the why's or hows bring yourself back to what your choosing, what your affirming in your life.

 

Also, I've read so many stories of people who don't have sexual intimacy in their marriage and still are very committed to their marriages and choose to forego that area of their lives. We'll never know what keeps MM or anyone bonded to their marriage. It is very hard to leave any relationship, let alone a long marriage. And until that union is done, those lessons learned, and we dont know what they are, it is not done. We don't know the timing. We don't know the why's.

 

It is up to us to not take it personal, but to move forward, learn our lessons and believe the universe has great things in store for us, whether its MM coming back free and available or someone else showing up that is right for us. Big Hug!

[Barrsitter]

Heartinlove....many thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply. Wise advise and I will read this again and again. Hugs to you also....B

[Lemon Drop]

Hi everyone, thank you for this thread.

 

Long time reader... my story (short version)... fell madly in love with a MM about 2 years ago. Am divorced and resisted because being with a MM was kryptonite. Fell in anyway and couldn't stand the sneaking, lying, longing, etc. so broke it off. He was "seperated" and trying to fully disengage, but it just was not happening.

 

For the past year + I have had NC and it was HELL getting over it, but I just moved forward and did the best I could, but I missed, longed for, etc. him the entire time. You know the drill. Anyway, we ran into each other recently and then met for "closure". At first it felt really freeing to have it... we agreed to be "friends" and that we only have kind feelings regarding our time together. But now I am re-missing, etc. and would rather not feel this way. It's picking off the scab with a fork. I hate this feeling and want to poke out my eyes with a sharp object. He said he is lining up all his ducks because he did everything he could to make sure the M is over (blah blah) and I don't want to get back to that hoping place I hated before.

 

Please tell me something that will make me stop thinking.

 

Thank you in advance

[heartinlove]

Hi everyone, thank you for this thread.

 

Long time reader... my story (short version)... fell madly in love with a MM about 2 years ago. Am divorced and resisted because being with a MM was kryptonite. Fell in anyway and couldn't stand the sneaking, lying, longing, etc. so broke it off. He was "seperated" and trying to fully disengage, but it just was not happening.

 

For the past year + I have had NC and it was HELL getting over it, but I just moved forward and did the best I could, but I missed, longed for, etc. him the entire time. You know the drill. Anyway, we ran into each other recently and then met for "closure". At first it felt really freeing to have it... we agreed to be "friends" and that we only have kind feelings regarding our time together. But now I am re-missing, etc. and would rather not feel this way. It's picking off the scab with a fork. I hate this feeling and want to poke out my eyes with a sharp object. He said he is lining up all his ducks because he did everything he could to make sure the M is over (blah blah) and I don't want to get back to that hoping place I hated before.

 

Please tell me something that will make me stop thinking.

 

Thank you in advance

 

Hi Lemondrop. There are some great suggestions on this thread to stop thinking. Youre not clear in your post. You said initially you met for closure and to agree your friends and then you later said that he said he's getting his ducks in a row. Does that mean he told you he would be leaving his marriage? I think its too easy to read into a comment like that. I know even when they say I am definitely leaving next week and make plans with you that even then its unlikely its going to happen.

 

I would caution you to not feed any hope in your system. When you feel that internally make an effort to let him go. If you continue to hold onto him or hope theres no space for the universe to send you someone available. I am finding for myself if I stay loving, at times feel the love I have for MM but then consciously surrender it up to the universe and let go, that is helping alot with the thoughts and Im doing really well. I do have hard moments still where I really miss him, and wish he was still in my life, but I am moving through them and making an effort to enjoy the rest of my life. Good luck to you.

[Lemon Drop]

heartinlove,

 

Thank you for answering my post. Yes, we met for closure purposes and... you are right, he said that he was getting his ducks in a row, but I did not ask him if he were leaving his M because from history, it doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does. We believe people do things the way we would do them.... I would not stay in a R if I were unhappy.. don't understand why he would... not to be with me, but you get to be the age where the time to be happy is waning.

 

I value your advice and think it's exactly what I need. I don't want to give any extra space in my head to this anymore, it's too obsessive. My best friend gave me her advice too.. she said (and I wrote it down) 1)No texts 2)No emails 3)No FB 4)No Carrier Pigeons (ha!) ..

 

Luckily, I did all the heavy lifting to get over him during the last year + time. Now the trick is to get the courage to get outside of my loop and meet someone new, worthy and capable of being honest.

 

I do appreciate this advice and especially like the part about the universe. When it talks, we should be available to listen!

[woinlove]

heartinlove,

 

Thank you for answering my post. Yes, we met for closure purposes and... you are right, he said that he was getting his ducks in a row, but I did not ask him if he were leaving his M because from history, it doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does. We believe people do things the way we would do them.... I would not stay in a R if I were unhappy.. don't understand why he would... not to be with me, but you get to be the age where the time to be happy is waning.

 

I value your advice and think it's exactly what I need. I don't want to give any extra space in my head to this anymore, it's too obsessive. My best friend gave me her advice too.. she said (and I wrote it down) 1)No texts 2)No emails 3)No FB 4)No Carrier Pigeons (ha!) ..

 

Luckily, I did all the heavy lifting to get over him during the last year + time. Now the trick is to get the courage to get outside of my loop and meet someone new, worthy and capable of being honest.

 

I do appreciate this advice and especially like the part about the universe. When it talks, we should be available to listen!

 

Good advice from your friend, lemondrop! I think you were getting your closure from the heavy lifting you did over the past year. Being friends and telling each other you have only good thoughts does more for MM than for you - as he is the one deceiving his W and needing external reinforcement that he is still a good guy. It is natural that meeting again would be a setback in all your hard work, but that work you did will still help you recover quicker this time if you give it the same determination you gave it before. I hope you are soon back to your better space.

[Choose Life]

Another fantastic week for me. I have been concentrating on me, running, seeing friends and just being positive. I think I finally just got there, I was ready to let go and forgive myself. I think I thought of my xmm, twice this week, that's it. One 'our' song came on the radio, and I was fine, didn't feel upset. The second seeing him from afar, and I smiled, thinking what was I thinking, made a joke of it :-D I have finally turned a corner and it's great, pain free, and getting back me!

[Barrsitter]

Choose Life - congratulations for having a great week and breaking free finally from the slavery of an emotional attachment to Mr. Unavailable!

 

I am entering my 3rd week of NC and in fact, hardly think about xMM anymore. Yeah!!!! And no bitterness whatsoever. Just a very pleasant feeling of....nothingness towards xMM.

 

Breaking free of the bondage of attachment to the wrong M whether married or not, is totally amazing. Thanks to tons of yoga, getting interested in life again and all that it offers, and LS, I have broken out of the emotional chains that were hurting me. Never again!!!!

 

Thanks LS buddies!

 

B

[Lemon Drop]

woinlove, you are right! also I think he wants to make sure I am lined up just in case he does leave, then he won't have to work at having a replacement female. Like I want to be someone's replacement female? Especially after I have healed for over a year all by myself? Hello?

 

I'm sure glad I came here, makes me realize how RIDICULOUS I was thinking.

 

Chooselife, Good for you! Keep up the good work!

 

Barsitter, Congratulations on 3 weeks NC! And freeing the bonds. Keep it up!

[sad puppy]

I am glad to see and feel some positive mojo from everyone here. I think there is a lot of encouragement to be found here. As you know, my guy moved out early Sep and now is supposed to be meeting the divorce mediator mid Nov. we have only seen each other twice. He's going thru a lot of emotions, 2 kids involved. I continue to be hopeful but am wary. I am deriving strength thru our postings and feel deeply I need to regain my sense of pride, and self in this process.

 

Not sure if he and I will make it to a future together so I am looking to continue to pursue my own activities, pursue things that make me happy and not give too much to him.

 

I still find myself surrendering, giving up control of the situation, and working on my own positive energy. I need to bow out of his emotional mess and do my own thing. He was so surprised when I made plans and was unavailable! Ha!

 

Rock on everyone, find your own personal power within you, and keep your shining face looking forward!!

[Choose Life]

So happy you are doing great too. I'm finally free, and at peace, and I love it. I have so much going on in my life, including training for a new career. I'm finally putting me first, it really helps you turn that corner. I saw my xmm last night, again from afar, again nothing, it's like I never loved him! It's funny how things turn out, how loving can turn into nothing. I'm good though, I dont want that pain, or rollercoaster ride though, I have moved on and happy :-) Keep up the good work everyone, remember concentrate on you, it makes so much difference.

 

 

 

 

 

Choose Life - congratulations for having a great week and breaking free finally from the slavery of an emotional attachment to Mr. Unavailable!

 

I am entering my 3rd week of NC and in fact, hardly think about xMM anymore. Yeah!!!! And no bitterness whatsoever. Just a very pleasant feeling of....nothingness towards xMM.

 

Breaking free of the bondage of attachment to the wrong M whether married or not, is totally amazing. Thanks to tons of yoga, getting interested in life again and all that it offers, and LS, I have broken out of the emotional chains that were hurting me. Never again!!!!

 

Thanks LS buddies!

 

B

[heartinlove]

Choose Life - congratulations for having a great week and breaking free finally from the slavery of an emotional attachment to Mr. Unavailable!

B

 

Hi Everyone,

 

I love that sentence. It really just does come down to that doesn't it. Breaking free of the attachment to Mr. Unavailable.

 

Its funny. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is, how deep our connections is on every level, how perfect we are for each other, and believe me all of that is true, but the only thing that really matters to know is HE ISNT AVAILABLE. And when I find myself missing him, wanting him, wondering about him, that is what I tell myself and it works. Then I surrender it all up, and know I only actually want him if he becomes available and that has never been the case and most likely will never be.

 

Reality really does help ease all this when I accept it for what it is. We had a great love. He wasn't available. I celebrate it, I let it go. I see others on other threads just absolutely torturing themselves over what they can't have, it scares me, and I am absolutely determined not to be one of them. Believe me, I could easily be. I've never loved anyone as I have loved him, but I can't let this take me down. Im going to take the best of it, appreciate it, and move forward.

 

I have been going out with friends, making plans and really enjoying my life. I am still recovering. I still miss MM tremendously, but I am determined to emerge from this whole and happy and loving my life. Best wishes to all of us here that we can do that. Joy and Peace to everyone here that is going through some version of this.

[Barrsitter]

Everyone...thank you for continued support and encouragement. Keep the positive vibes happening in your life and spreading on this thread and forum.

 

Today's thought:

 

Only invite to your table, people who are celebrating your life.

 

Cheers from the cheering section,

B

[sad puppy]

So, it's been about 2 months since MM moved out of his house. He has wanted to take it slow while he gets his head together. He's going to IC, therapist sounds pretty good. Now I have only seen him two times in 4 months total yet we talk and email. So, he is going through a roller coaster, and taking me with him, of emotions. Firstly, he was excited and happy. Then next few weeks, could hear him struggling. Then he started getting stronger, and we saw each other. Now, he says he's in a dark place. Last night we spoke and he says he cannot take care of me, give me what I want, ... Cuz he's so messed up and grieving over the end of his marriage. I'm starting to feel that devastated feeling. Uh oh.

 

We will be speaking tomorrow and we have already been talking about how he cannot see me now as he deals with all his stuff. I asked and he said he's not planning to reconcile and they have meeting with mediator coming up. He sounds very unhappy, which I guess is natural, but it also feels like the ending.

 

He says he left the marriage because of me. So I'm confused. Just last week, he was saying he could see us getting engaged, talking about me meeting his parents, ... But throughout the evening saying he needed some space.

 

Just wonder if this is a temporary, natural behavioral dynamic or if the BS just continues? My two confidants say dump him. This has been all very challenging as we have been in this mess for 18 months. I feel physically and mentally unwell. I have told him so.

 

Guess I'm just throwing it out there for some insight, helpful words. I do love him and I know he loves me. I don't want to be reckless at this point. But I guess I need to surrender again, and just get out of his way.

 

Tomorrow could be a heart breaking and angry conversation. C'mon girlfriends, help me find peace.

[heartinlove]

So, it's been about 2 months since MM moved out of his house. He has wanted to take it slow while he gets his head together. He's going to IC, therapist sounds pretty good. Now I have only seen him two times in 4 months total yet we talk and email. So, he is going through a roller coaster, and taking me with him, of emotions. Firstly, he was excited and happy. Then next few weeks, could hear him struggling. Then he started getting stronger, and we saw each other. Now, he says he's in a dark place. Last night we spoke and he says he cannot take care of me, give me what I want, ... Cuz he's so messed up and grieving over the end of his marriage. I'm starting to feel that devastated feeling. Uh oh.

 

We will be speaking tomorrow and we have already been talking about how he cannot see me now as he deals with all his stuff. I asked and he said he's not planning to reconcile and they have meeting with mediator coming up. He sounds very unhappy, which I guess is natural, but it also feels like the ending.

 

He says he left the marriage because of me. So I'm confused. Just last week, he was saying he could see us getting engaged, talking about me meeting his parents, ... But throughout the evening saying he needed some space.

 

Just wonder if this is a temporary, natural behavioral dynamic or if the BS just continues? My two confidants say dump him. This has been all very challenging as we have been in this mess for 18 months. I feel physically and mentally unwell. I have told him so.

 

Guess I'm just throwing it out there for some insight, helpful words. I do love him and I know he loves me. I don't want to be reckless at this point. But I guess I need to surrender again, and just get out of his way.

 

Tomorrow could be a heart breaking and angry conversation. C'mon girlfriends, help me find peace.

 

HI Sad Puppy. I would do what I did at the end and I wished I would have done it sooner. His needing space is natural as well as grieving the marriage. But it is really, really, important that you take care of yourself and feel CHOSEN wholeheartedly by him.

 

I would have a very loving conversation with him, tell him everything you love about the two of you and the future you envision. And then tell him, that you need to also love yourself and he is not to contact you until he is ready to really give your relationship a whole hearted try. Men only respect women more who stand up for themselves and their boundaries. Get yourself in a great space, the surrendering space you recommend here. Trust that what is meant to be will be and then break up with him from a heartfelt space. The distance you create will help motivate him to come towards you if thats meant to be. You will also feel great about yourself if you do that. Be the one to walk away. Listen to your girlfriends. Don't wait for him to end it with you. Leave it where he needs to come to you once he has decided. Its a much more empowering energy.

[sad puppy]

Thank you, your words are true. I feel it when you say to make the empowering choice. I know that is right. I also like your advice to speak lovingly and share what I envision. Thank you. I am typically outspoken and at times very harsh with him. Although he says my presence in his life has helped him to see the light. But you are right, to be loving is the right way. I have yelled at him enough. And by leaving in an empowering way, I can feel that I would be proud of myself. I will reread your words before the conversation. Thank you!