tradewinds Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I My personal experience is the opposite of the OP. In my relationship, it's my partner who relies on me to make decisions, and when I ask him to make them now and then it triggers a long elaboration of 'oh I don't know what would you like can't you just decide something I don't really have a preference etc etc etc'. That is because you are the Alpha in the relationship. That is cool for guys who like to follow and not lead. I was in that kind of relationship for 10 years before I changed and wanted to lead. Don't get me wrong, I am not talking about a dictatorship either way, I am just talking about being the leader. You still value your partners input and give them an opportunity for choice, but someone has to say "ok, let's go here for dinner."
azsinglegal Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I suggest places to go, things to do and where to eat. What kind of women are you dating who get mad and say things like "why should I have to make the decisions". Although, my choice gets vetoed a lot cuz he's alpha dog and likes me to know it. I don't mind. As long as I get my way 30% of the time I'm good.
thatone Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I like the vetting process that so far has been described - both by the men and the women who posted responses which, I think, all apply to the OPs questions. I'll tell you something. Im a woman of a certain age. Ive been fortunate in that Ive enjoyed (and not enjoyed ) dating and pursuit (both ways). Im probably considered a pretty good date by most and maybe more by some. Most of it is just social aptitude. I think a man with a solid screening process is more likely to spend time with women he likes. I know that it takes time and experience to develop a screening process and the ability to read people...but the sooner you have one the less rejection and frustation. Maybe? As often as I get invited out by men, sometimes Ive been vetted OUT. And thats ok, I think its kind of funny sometimes. I know Im not for everyone and I like when a man can recognize right off the bat that he may like the way I look, he may have been impressed with me in some other way, I looked good on paper, lol...but Im not his style. Love a man with a plan. But also, I have to say I admire you guys for doing all this - sometimes painful - heavy lifting. the 'heavy lifting' is supposed to be enjoyable on our part. and when you meet women you're interested in past a date or two it is, to an extent. but there's really no way to know what type of person you're dealing with until you do said 'heavy lifting' in the first few dates and judge the reactions you're getting. that's why as men get older their patience wears thin, and i'm sure women are no different. it might've taken 10 or 12 strikes for someone to be out 10-15 years ago but it's definitely down to three now .
SingleinSouth Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Hmm, when I first went out with my bf, he suggested a place out of town and I vetoed. I didn't wanna be stuck if we weren't having a good time, haha. I suggested a place in town and I would meet him there. The next couple of dates, I made multiple suggestions of fun places to go and he picked one. They were a GREAT time! As time has gone on, for some reason, he is picking all the places and inviting me. That's find, I don't care much where we go to eat or what he decides is in his spending zone. I just really don't care so much- it's mostly the company I go for.
blueskyday Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I have to say that I appreciate it when guys ask me in advance of our first date what I would like to do. He's getting input, and that's fine. I always have a few ideas and know the guy is going to run with one of them. What's not fine is a lazy guy who doesn't plan anything, and expects me to do all the "heavy lifting." I once had a first date who showed up at my door to pick me up for a dinner date. He hadn't asked me beforehand what kind of food I liked, so I figured he had a plan. Some guys are like that and that's great, too. They are putting in some effort to show me a good time with an idea of their own. I'm always appreciative. So, this guy shows up, no plan in a big city where reservations are required. On the way to the car, I excitedly asked him where we were going. He responded, "I don't know. Where do you want to go?" Ugh. We ended up at a pizza place waiting an hour for a table. The whole relationship was like that. He never had an idea or plan. I agree, after a date or two, it's fun to figure it out together, as in "I really want to go to this concert this weekend," or "The new Ironman is out. Let's go!" I also like it when you are an established couple and eating out is often about asking each other, "What kind of food are you in the mood for, Babe?" Sweet.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 which is why those women are single. you can't claim strong/independent on one hand and then have no opinion on the other. it's a contradictory position. lacking the confidence to state likes, dislikes, opinions, and preferences or sense of being entitled to male attention? either one is red flag #1. I always have an opinion, so I would have no problem planning the evening. But it'd turn me on a lot more if he did it. Kind of like... I could throw him down on the bed and guide him to do what I want. But it'd be way hotter if he took charge. That's just the way it is. But alphamale already explained this succinctly: turned on woman = happy woman = sex
Woggle Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I have no problem doing this. It gives me the chance to apply the hole in the wall test on the 4th or 5th date.
AHardDaysNight Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I have no problem doing this. It gives me the chance to apply the hole in the wall test on the 4th or 5th date. What is the hole in the wall test? Personally, I think it's great if they let me choose. I'd take that over eating dinner at a place I don't enjoy, doing an activity I don't enjoy, etc. If they don't dig what I like, then they aren't worth keeping around, anyways.
carhill Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 My 'hole in the wall' test is a local dive where two can eat well for under ten bucks and I have to tip the owner to get it there.
Woggle Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 What is the hole in the wall test? Personally, I think it's great if they let me choose. I'd take that over eating dinner at a place I don't enjoy, doing an activity I don't enjoy, etc. If they don't dig what I like, then they aren't worth keeping around, anyways. Take her to a gritty little hole in the wall place instead of posh and expensive one for a date and see how she reacts. It speaks volumes.
Author Kaplan Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I have to say that I appreciate it when guys ask me in advance of our first date what I would like to do. He's getting input, and that's fine. I always have a few ideas and know the guy is going to run with one of them. What's not fine is a lazy guy who doesn't plan anything, and expects me to do all the "heavy lifting." I once had a first date who showed up at my door to pick me up for a dinner date. He hadn't asked me beforehand what kind of food I liked, so I figured he had a plan. Some guys are like that and that's great, too. They are putting in some effort to show me a good time with an idea of their own. I'm always appreciative. So, this guy shows up, no plan in a big city where reservations are required. On the way to the car, I excitedly asked him where we were going. He responded, "I don't know. Where do you want to go?" Ugh. We ended up at a pizza place waiting an hour for a table. The whole relationship was like that. He never had an idea or plan. I agree, after a date or two, it's fun to figure it out together, as in "I really want to go to this concert this weekend," or "The new Ironman is out. Let's go!" I also like it when you are an established couple and eating out is often about asking each other, "What kind of food are you in the mood for, Babe?" Sweet. I guess there are guys out there who would ask you out and not have a plan. That's pretty lame, and I can see how that would be annoying. If you're going out on a date, especially if it's a first date, the guy should pretty much choose because it was his idea and he's the one paying. If I was a girl I know I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting a place to a new guy knowing that he was going to have to pay for it. Anyway, I can see how annoying it must be to be with a guy who expects you to choose. But I think the problem is that women often assume that you're expecting them to choose just because you ask them for input. And I've met a lot of women who do this. When I used dinner as an example, I didn't mean dinner dates. I was thinking more of when you're comfortable with each other and just realize you're both hungry and decide to get some food. By the way, when I'm in that situation with my girlfriend I say, "What kind of food are you in the mood for?" I've learned to say this because of how so many women react when you ask, "Where do you want to go?" To me, asking "Where do you want to go," begins a collaborative decision-making process. But for many women it says, "I'm not willing to decide where we go and it's up to you to take charge and make the decision for both of us." I guess my grievance is just that women are in such a hurry to assume that that's what we mean when we ask that sort of open-ended question. Perhaps these women are traumatized by guys like the one from your story, Bluesky. I don't know. It's not that big of a deal, really. But it's annoying.
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