Do men avoid settling as women get older?

[123321]

why didn't you pick one to have that family with when you were in your 20s?

 

Women like this are too busy getting all the attention and enjoying the benefits their genes are delivering to them, without a thought to the wisdom of their grandmothers; to "find a good man while you are young and beautiful. "

 

 

 

 

To answer "thatone" I didn't think about settling then because many men were asking me out when I was an undergrad straight into my earlier days as a nurse. Older doctors particularly came on to me. I felt it was no hurry to worry about that stuff back then. I was just dating.

 

Yes, things are good and surely you are as special as mom said. It will never change. Then one day, it does. Feminist advice is seldom good in the long term for what a lot of women really want.

 

 

 

 

Come on people, lets not sugarcoat things.

 

Women are most attractive in her early 20s when they are young and beautiful, while men are most attractive in their 30s when they are mature and successful.

 

The fact is that young men and old women are comparably the least desirable people in the dating pool.

 

People who say otherwise are in denial.

 

Also the most ironic thing is that the older the woman, the higher her standard is when her own leverage is actually lower due to the fact that men value women not by their net worth but by their beauty.

 

And no one tells the young men that they will hold all of the cards when they are older and more successful if only they just hold off of hurrying to tie it down with their college girlfriend.

 

Nailed it.

[Andy_K]

Further to the uncomfortable truths above:

 

Even given near equal looks, the older the woman, the more likely she'll be seen as a potential sex partner rather than a long term relationship.

 

A 30 year old man who meets a great, attractive 24 year old woman might well get very serious with her. The same guy meeting a similar 36 year old would likely only be interested in sex.

 

This is why all this talk of cougars etc rivalling young women is rubbish. Whilst an attractive forty-something woman might well be able to get sex or attention from a variety of different, much younger guys, she'll have nowhere near the potential of the early twenties girl to keep them for the long term.

 

Women unfortunately largely fail to realise until too late the significant difference between lots of guys hitting on them, and lots of guys wanting to get serious with them.

 

There's someone out there for everyone, but these things do affect your chances of finding them.

[filani]

I'll give you my theory on that, which is subject to change mind you, for whatever that's worth...

 

The idea of women maturing faster than men is true, to an extent. I think that translates to women being much more driven in their 20s to figure out their education and careers and not worry about relationships until they're older and the clock starts ticking a little faster.

 

Men on the other hand don't figure out what they're doing with their lives until they're around 30 or slightly older, at least I didn't. But men in their 30s have the upper hand just like women did in their 20s. As a result, while they might be open to the idea of long term relationships up to and including marriage, they're older/wiser enough to know that it won't happen right away, and they are more leery of mistakes than they were in their 20s.

 

I don't have the fantasy idea of 'perfection' that younger kids do, but I'm not going to offer marriage to the first woman who'll say yes either. She'll have to prove herself to me just as much as I do to her. And the idea that they must put equal effort into relationships and dating is so foreign to many women who were used to getting attention from men whenever they wanted it in their 20s that they don't know how.

 

So my advice to the OP is, as a 34 year old man who is single but not at all against the idea of long term relationships, telling men what YOU want isn't going to get you much progress. Telling me you want a family and kids and all of that stuff as a defense response to the question of sex in dating is the wrong approach. I can hear a 24 year old waitress tell me what she wants whenever I choose (and immediately disregard it, for that matter). If I'm dating someone closer to my own age with a relationship in mind, I don't want to hear what you want. I want to see what you do. I want to see all my effort appreciated with thank yous and smiles. I want all my phone calls and texts answered or returned. I want to see that the attraction is mutual, and little things I do such as gifts and favors returned. I want to know that I get priority over your friends and other such unnecessary activities. If you think men in their 30s are going to chase you while you disregard them as you did in your 20s you're not going to have much luck. Physical beauty isn't enough anymore.

 

@ Thatone

Bolded sections are right on the Money.

[silvermercy]

LOL Well, I'm 29 and will be 30 in a couple of months but I look 21 at MOST (and sometimes I pass for a teen) and so do many of my friends. I'm told this all the time plus the fact that I'm a quite attractive petite brunette.

 

I had not dated for years due to my PhD studies which I've just finished, and my father's death from cancer). But according to the answers here (I'm guessing made by men older than me No?), I might as well not bother with serious dating with men around my age anymore as it's a needle in a haystack! LOL I also wonder if Amazon stocks zimmer frames now, who knows, I may need them soon!

 

So I should either settle with a geriatric man or the first socially awkward hunchback of Notre Dame lookalike that comes my way! Maybe I should also start sending applications to my local nunneries see if they have any vacancies! Well, I'll be damned but real life has proven to be better this time and I have seen a lot of women my age and older start serious relationships with men their own age that lead to happy marriages!

 

OP: I also think it's the men you're picking and the vibe or something you say that scares them off, no matter how nonchalant it seems when a couple with kids passes by.

[thatone]

So because the value of physical beauty in general fades, the physical beauty of an older woman is not enough? (Where it would have been in your earlier youth? ... but then, neither is the younger woman's beauty enough? --- or is it that the emphasis on physical beauty certainly lowers, passing by most older women, but that there are still many younger women who can meet or exceed the lowered value and still do not need to compensate much elsewhere?)

 

Also, I'm sorry your relationship with her didn't work out. I agree that mutuality is important, and it can be a rare thing to share...

 

 

 

i don't think of it that way, the way i would describe it is when i was younger i didn't know how to behave any more than the women my age knew how to behave. i grew up, i'm not dating with the sole purpose of getting laid anymore. so if i meet a woman my age who still acts like a 20-25 year old and assumes that male attention is owed to her and seems to have little to offer other than her appearance, i'm guessing that she hasn't grown up much at all.

 

if i'm going to act differently with the purpose of finding a relationship in mind, the person across the table needs to be different as well.

 

these decisions aren't entirely conscious either, it feels like a natural evolution. when the last girl i mentioned started to act in ways unacceptable to me, i didn't ignore those issues like i would have in my younger years. i started the last argument by pointing out to her that i didn't approve of what she was doing. in my younger years, i would've played along and not wanted to lose the prospect of a regular sex partner by rocking the boat. but now, that's secondary, it seems almost inconsequential at times even.

Edited October 19, 2011 by thatone

[iris219]

It simply has to do with the fact that many of the single men over 30 have commitment issues and difficulties being in a relationship.

 

The relationship minded ones have already settled down.

[silvermercy]

As a female, I don't like much older men either. Surprise!!! LOL Neither do any my friends when they date. Most modern females will look for men much closer to their age than they did in the past.

 

Anyways... I wonder how it works with older men who want relationships following this logic. Surely, there must be no single older men (>30 years old) AT ALL in existence (regardless if they're unattractive either externally or internally or both) since they must be all taken by all those 20s women and teens who are queuing to date them simply of how desirable they are because of their age. All those 20-somethings men and teen boys must be so desperate for relationships these days!

 

Yep - this is true, it's a bitter pill for women in their late teens, early twenties and mid twenties to accept. I guess when a woman gets to her early thirties she is looking to settle down as soon as possible because that biological clock starts going off.

I have no desire to have kids EVER, so that doesn't apply to everyone.

Edited October 19, 2011 by silvermercy

[fortyninethousand322]

As a female, I don't like much older men either. Surprise!!! LOL Neither do any my friends when they date. Most modern females will look for men much closer to their age than they did in the past.

 

Anyways... I wonder how it works with older men who want relationships following this logic. Surely, there must be no single older men (>30 years old) AT ALL in existence (regardless if they're unattractive either externally or internally or both) since they must be all taken by all those 20s women and teens who are queuing to date them simply of how desirable they are because of their age. All those 20-somethings men and teen boys must be so desperate for relationships these days!

 

 

 

I'm 23, and I'm desperate for a relationship. Just can't find any takers. Do I count?

[silvermercy]

Sorry, am I supposed to care? :s

Huh? Why did you reply then?? lol

 

@fortyninethousand322: Ah, but you'll have to blame In A Rut for this (see all his posts)... I'm guessing he's an older man (more than 30), but he won't choose a 29 or 30 year old like me since he has so many 23 year-old females queuing up for him. So, THAT'S why you're out of luck with girls around your age!

Disclaimer: This post is not to be taken seriously, I was just trying to make a point and you gave me a perfect opportunity. I have no idea about your circumstances unless you gave me some more info.

[azsinglegal]

Further to the uncomfortable truths above:

 

Even given near equal looks, the older the woman, the more likely she'll be seen as a potential sex partner rather than a long term relationship.

 

A 30 year old man who meets a great, attractive 24 year old woman might well get very serious with her. The same guy meeting a similar 36 year old would likely only be interested in sex.

 

This is why all this talk of cougars etc rivalling young women is rubbish. Whilst an attractive forty-something woman might well be able to get sex or attention from a variety of different, much younger guys, she'll have nowhere near the potential of the early twenties girl to keep them for the long term.

 

Women unfortunately largely fail to realise until too late the significant difference between lots of guys hitting on them, and lots of guys wanting to get serious with them.

 

There's someone out there for everyone, but these things do affect your chances of finding them.

 

Being a 38 yr old single woman, this makes me want to sit in the corner listening to Suicidal Tendencies and cut myself.

 

Seriously, if all you men are saying a woman over 30 is doomed to spend her life alone that's pathetic and sad.

 

However, I've come to accept this for the most part. And why I have dogs.

[xxoo]

It simply has to do with the fact that many of the single men over 30 have commitment issues and difficulties being in a relationship.

 

The relationship minded ones have already settled down.

 

This is probably true, although choosing not to settle down is a valid choice.

 

The guys you are meeting now may act similarly with a woman in her 20s.

 

The guys who pursued heavily in your 20s wanted relationships, and have since settled down. Some in that cohort may already be divorced, and will likely be more cautious the second time around.

[fortyninethousand322]

 

@fortyninethousand322: Ah, but you'll have to blame In A Rut for this (see all his posts)... I'm guessing he's an older man (more than 30), but he won't choose a 29 or 30 year old like me since he has so many 23 year-old females queuing up for him. So, THAT'S why you're out of luck with girls around your age!

Disclaimer: This post is not to be taken seriously, I was just trying to make a point and you gave me a perfect opportunity. I have no idea about your circumstances unless you gave me some more info.

 

I'm pretty sure In A Rut is also a virgin, so I highly doubt he's taking away from the pool of 20s women. My problem is that women my age expect men to be experienced, hence a guy who's 23 and never dated isn't all that much of a catch.

[thatone]

Being a 38 yr old single woman, this makes me want to sit in the corner listening to Suicidal Tendencies and cut myself.

 

Seriously, if all you men are saying a woman over 30 is doomed to spend her life alone that's pathetic and sad.

 

However, I've come to accept this for the most part. And why I have dogs.

 

we're not saying that, we're saying that men grow up in their 30s and are looking for women who are grown up as well. a 35 year old woman who thinks she's still 25, and still has nothing to offer other than her appearance is not attractive. those women are playing a game they can't win, because that game has passed them by. it doesn't have to do with their appearance fading, it has to do with the rest of them not maturing.

 

there's nothing wrong with listening to Suicidal Tendencies, just skip the cutting .

Edited October 19, 2011 by thatone

[azsinglegal]

I have no desire to have kids EVER, so that doesn't apply to everyone.

 

I'm not sure how old you are...but I'm going to give you a wee bit of advice that I wish someone had given me.

 

Don't be so strict in this wish to not have kids. I was so steadfast I didn't want them that I had my tubes tied when I was 33 for a guy I thought I was going to spend my life with - cuz "WE" didn't want kids.

 

Of course, we broke up. Going forward 5 years, I wish I hadn't made that decision. I had a great relationship with a guy who wanted to marry me, but he wanted kids and I couldn't give that to him. We even discussed me having surgery to have my tubes UN-tied...which is a real undergoing and pricey. He's now married to the girl he dated right after me and just had a son. I wish now, I could've given that to him (us).

 

Looking back, it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I wish I had a different life. Pushing 40 has made me really look back and question the dumb decisions I made thinking I had "so much time" when really...tempus fugit.

 

Now...I'm looking at having uterine ablasion to just stop my period altogether. There's no point in a monthly reminder of a life I'll never have.

[azsinglegal]

we're not saying that, we're saying that men grow up in their 30s and are looking for women who are grown up as well. a 35 year old woman who thinks she's still 25, and still has nothing to offer other than her appearance is not attractive. those women are playing a game they can't win, because that game has passed them by. it doesn't have to do with their appearance fading, it has to do with the rest of them not maturing.

 

there's nothing wrong with listening to Suicidal Tendencies, just skip the cutting .

 

Oh...I don't kid myself. I have nothing similar to offer that a 25 yr old would. I'm pretty sure I'm a much better cook and housekeeper, not to mention my patience is much higher and I lack drama...mostly because it takes energy I just don't have.

[silvermercy]

I'm pretty sure In A Rut is also a virgin, so I highly doubt he's taking away from the pool of 20s women. My problem is that women my age expect men to be experienced, hence a guy who's 23 and never dated isn't all that much of a catch.

I wouldn't mind seriously dating a guy your age even though I'm 29 (assuming he wanted that, too, of course). I can't say if I'm an exception of course as I'm also very inexperienced. lol But at your age I think you're still totally fine and have time ahead of you - even for an inexperienced male. Maybe try a dating site for platonic relationships to get the initial stress out of you. There are many good people there.

 

Thanks azsinglegal! I will definitely take into account what you said. Nothing's set on stone. I'm probably like this now because I haven't found anyone that I really like so far to have children with!!

[azsinglegal]

Thanks azsinglegal! I will definitely take into account what you said. Nothing's set on stone. I'm probably like this now because I haven't found anyone that I really like so far to have children with!!

 

I was dead set on no kids my whole life...then I turned 35 and went, WTF am I doing?!? I look young so I keep dating younger men, but then they want kids so my last 6 (YES SIX) boyfriends, dumped me for younger women, who they married and had kids with in a year.

 

I dated a few really great guys that wanted kids in my 20s/30s but because I was so f'n stubborn and stupid, I dumped them and said no.

 

My only choice of having kids now is to date someone with them (which is so not what I want) I've BTDT and it was a nightmare.

 

Back to what someone else said on P1 I think - I'm pretty much stuck with what I get now. The control of a relationship has shifted from women to men as I've edged closer to 40.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not selling myself short by any means. BUT...if I think that hot 30 yr old at the gym wants ME, I need to look closer, cuz he's not checking ME out - he's checking out the 24 yr old next to me.

[thatone]

I was dead set on no kids my whole life...then I turned 35 and went, WTF am I doing?!? I look young so I keep dating younger men, but then they want kids so my last 6 (YES SIX) boyfriends, dumped me for younger women, who they married and had kids with in a year.

 

I dated a few really great guys that wanted kids in my 20s/30s but because I was so f'n stubborn and stupid, I dumped them and said no.

 

My only choice of having kids now is to date someone with them (which is so not what I want) I've BTDT and it was a nightmare.

 

Back to what someone else said on P1 I think - I'm pretty much stuck with what I get now. The control of a relationship has shifted from women to men as I've edged closer to 40.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not selling myself short by any means. BUT...if I think that hot 30 yr old at the gym wants ME, I need to look closer, cuz he's not checking ME out - he's checking out the 24 yr old next to me.

 

i would suggest dating men slightly older rather than slightly younger, and looking in different places. you're not going to find that guy at the gym.

 

look at CarrieT's story about the one she found recently. he's a doctor who in all likelihood was too busy with his professional life to have relationships when he was younger, but now that he's older and that part of his life is taken care of he's more actively looking for women.

 

that pretty well describes a lot of men in their mid 30s to 40. but as you say, if those men are looking for women at the gym they're going to go for the 24 year old every time.

 

that gets back to my point of "don't play games you can't win" .

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well. Maybe it's due to being in "left coast" San Francisco during my 20's and early 30's, and my particular social scene, but I cannot say that my experience and that of my peers was anything like most of what's described here.

 

Virtually all of us were wild and gorgeous in our 20's. Nobody wanted to settle down.

 

Almost all of us (boys and girls) started moving towards settling down in our 30's. I can't think of a single guy friend (there was a very big social scene - boy, was it fun!) who reached his 30's and sought a woman in her 20's to "settle" with. The whole group gravitated towards their own peers for that.

 

In case it makes a difference, this is a bunch of people who were / are for the most part very educated, "countercultural," many artists, writers and musicians but also people who became wildly successful in the burgeoning tech boom that was happening at the time, lawyers, a doctor, business owners, ad agency people, designers. And some blue collar and other kinds of folks, but not exactly a "mainstream" crowd.

 

I will say that when some of those liaisons forged during the 30's ended, sometimes the men did end up with much younger women the second time around.

 

To the OP - I get a sense that your attitude may be skewed in a way that is going to make it difficult for you to find your man. It might be better if you just date with an open mind and keep your comments about wanting to settle down to yourself. It's probably a given that you are looking for that, but when you bring it up, it pushes things to a "do or die" place. If the guy is not feeling that way at that moment, he will probably decide it's time to disappear.

 

That said, also be aware about where a guy is at with regards to these things. If you want to start your family and you can tell that the guy still wants to play, then you need to move on yourself.

 

Don't let the thought of age get in your way.

 

I just got married to a great love, and I'm over 50. I didn't even find it a struggle to find myself here. Probably because I wasn't thinking inside the box, with regards to what is or isn't "possible" due to age.

[OnyxSnowfall]

To put it bluntly, no matter how good their personalities are, broke men and physically unattractive women will always be second choices to successful men and young beautiful women.

 

Eh, everything's relative (and I don't watch TV, so I have no idea what things are being portrayed and fed through the screens to people --- and I probably only watch two or three selected movies a year).

 

In real life, I definitely see that there are a lot of greedy people with skewed desires haha, but I see the "exceptions" (if that is what they truly are) too --- and I myself am one

 

Others seem to be attracted to convenience and pleasure, not TRULY to who other people are. And no wonder so many people are miserable, even despite all their "luxuries". To BASE the majority of attraction on such generic "qualities" (that are often associated with all kinds of ****) is just lovely.

 

All I'm getting from this is that:

 

If people evolved from apes, I guess most of them are regressing back into them.

[azsinglegal]

i would suggest dating men slightly older rather than slightly younger, and looking in different places. you're not going to find that guy at the gym.

 

look at CarrieT's story about the one she found recently. he's a doctor who in all likelihood was too busy with his professional life to have relationships when he was younger, but now that he's older and that part of his life is taken care of he's more actively looking for women.

 

that pretty well describes a lot of men in their mid 30s to 40. but as you say, if those men are looking for women at the gym they're going to go for the 24 year old every time.

 

that gets back to my point of "don't play games you can't win" .

 

Not exactly true. There are alot of guys at my gym that are my age or older. That was just an example. I've seen several guys I'd date there. Of course, most of them have wedding rings on.

 

A doctor now wanting to settle down...probably wants kids - which I can't give him. So that's a great concept, but the reality is men who didn't want to settle in their 20s are now wanting kids/wives in their 30s/40s - I'm not their material.

 

My dating pool is a wading pool really.

 

I am seeing someone now who's a GREAT guy. He's fantastic to me and my dogs. We've been together 6 months, but he doesn't want to get married -ever. He's made this very clear. Of course, I think he'll change his mind if he met the right person as he's only 33.

 

I'm pretty much buying my time with him. Enjoying it for what it is, without putting any expectations on it. Hopefully, I don't waste too much of my time before he realizes he wants someone younger...

[silvermercy]

that pretty well describes a lot of men in their mid 30s to 40. but as you say, if those men are looking for women at the gym they're going to go for the 24 year old every time.

hmm... I think that is true when they're looking for eye-candy or flings, but I think most men looking for serious relationships will also tend to gravitate towards women closer to their age IN THE END.

[azsinglegal]

hmm... I think that is true when they're looking for eye-candy or flings, but I think most men looking for serious relationships will also tend to gravitate towards women closer to their age IN THE END.

 

With my dating (wading) pool, I've come to realize there isn't alot of difference with me being 38 or 40 so I've stopped freaking out about wanting to get married soon so I have a partner and I'm not dating anymore.

 

At 40, I'll be the same person just a few yrs older...it's not like I'm going to have some big life change and turn into someone else.

[grkBoy]

I'm trying to understand what's the problem here because these guys never say anything other than take me out for a few dates, make out, try to sleep with me, but when I tell them about wanting to settle down, have a family soon, they take off.

 

Again people, when I was in my 20s men tried to get serious with me, but now it's the complete opposite since I'm older and I'm getting worried

 

I agree with others that it's probably the men you pick, but I want to add in that as men get into their mid-to-late 30s, it's harder to sell them on settling down. Some of these guys are simply eternal bachelors who see marriage as a trap, but others are possibly "reformed nice guys" who now get the eyes of women, but are skeptical of it all and find the ladies who seemingly want to be married in a few years are only after a meal ticket.

 

 

why didn't you pick one to have that family with when you were in your 20s?

 

Exactly. I tell marriage-minded men and women that they shouldn't think about "sowing wild oats" through their 20s and expect some ideal mate to be there in their 30s. No one says one has to walk the aisle in their early 20s, but the older you get the harder it is to convince many men and even some women to take that step.

 

Right now I have many colleagues who hint on the idea that my fiance and I should have a family...claiming we would be wonderful parents. We're flattered, but we also see the monetary expense of having kids and even wonder if a life as DINKs would be more fun. The freedom to work too much, make lots of money, and live it up when we want.

 

The colleagues can't understand this notion...but it's easier to think "family" when you're 28 and especially if the economy is better. When you're 38 and the economy is in the toilet, it's a hard sell.

[123321]

Most modern females will look for men much closer to their age than they did in the past.

 

For more information Google "marriage drought".