Should men who are average looking, settle, or should they wait around for a love..?

October 19, 2011

But if I did, I probably would go after the more average looking girl, because she'd be more likely to be receptive.

What you look like and / or what she looks like doesn't have anything to do with "waiting around for a love."

You could go for the more beautiful OR the more average looking; their looks don't predetermine whether you will love them or they you.

So, NO. Whatever you look like, don't settle for anything short of love, if real love is what you want in a relationship.

And, of course all of us should pair with people we are attracted to.

That said, if you consider yourself "average" looking, I hope you are also capable of seeing the attractiveness within other "average" looking people. I mean, the extreme beauties of the world of both sexes seem to gravitate towards one another. If you feel like you'll be "settling" if you end up with a woman who does not resemble one of the most beautiful women as defined by the media … then I think you will be disappointed in life, and probably go through it loveless.

October 19, 2011

This is true, but it doesn't make the situation any less frustrating for some people. I mean, while I'm no great judge of my own looks I think I'm somewhere around above average, I keep in shape, I'm college educated, smart and witty, friendly, a good person, etc. Is it too much to hope for someone with similar attributes?

Based on your postings here, your attitude might be a big reason why.

Plus in many situations, it's not you or the "good man" or "good woman" who is being unrealistic...but the people they meet. I know I've met many women who are holding out for an adonis who still never came. In these cases, you can't wonder if it's you, but if it's them.

How do you know? If you walk into a room and find many or most of the men or women attractive and say "I'd date him/her", then it's not you. However, if you walk into room after room and think no one is "ideal enough", then it's you.

October 19, 2011

Based on your postings here, your attitude might be a big reason why.

Sincere question here: in what way? Do you mean my lack of confidence? Because I can totally see that being a problem. In the (admittedly few) instances in which I've had a chance to "make a move" as it were, I've hesitated because I was worried (more like convinced) that they weren't interested. So, is that what you're talking about?

October 19, 2011

Sincere question here: in what way? Do you mean my lack of confidence? Because I can totally see that being a problem. In the (admittedly few) instances in which I've had a chance to "make a move" as it were, I've hesitated because I was worried (more like convinced) that they weren't interested. So, is that what you're talking about?

You just seem to have a bad attitude...almost bitter.

Believe me, I used to sound like that a lot, and it hindered me. This is why I keep preaching to find your own self-happiness. It makes those vibes go away, and women notice.

October 19, 2011

A better title for this thread would be:

Should men who are average looking settle or should they wait around for a hot, interested woman.

Because if you "wait around for love" and end up finding it, you wouldn't think you are settling.

It's interesting how love is equated to an attractive woman. As if "unattractive" women never find love...

October 19, 2011

You just seem to have a bad attitude...almost bitter.

Believe me, I used to sound like that a lot, and it hindered me. This is why I keep preaching to find your own self-happiness. It makes those vibes go away, and women notice.

I see what you mean. My attitude tends to fluctuate between three positions: hopelessness, bitterness/anger, and optimism. The last one is admittedly the least frequent one that I experience.

While I understand completely that it would turnoff women, I also can't help it. I feel not good enough, I feel beneath women (seriously). I guess sometimes it's human nature to resent that which you feel is better than you. And then of course anger and bitterness becomes natural and convenient bedfellows when their the only bedfellows you've ever known.

Alas, maybe one day I'll figure it out.

October 19, 2011

It's interesting how love is equated to an attractive woman. As if "unattractive" women never find love...

Heh, in my experience, unattractive women are more likely to find love

Many physically attractive women have to screen out an excess of men, most of which who just want to sex them up. It's really difficult to discern a man that actually sees and desires *you* for more than your flesh between a man that just likes sleeping / having fun with "hot" women / a woman. Depending upon how it's looked at, both physically attractive and unattractive people can be "settled" for.

Consider that a person's judgment is not always reliable and... my the messes we weave for ourselves and the opportunities we miss...

There are just pros and cons to everything.

Edited October 19, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

October 19, 2011

I don't think you should settle, but you need to ask yourself what you really need out of a relationship, ie what is important to you. Then again, most people only obtain their answer after experience, so really, if I were you I would spend time obtaining the experience rather than wondering about hypothetical questions.

October 19, 2011

I can relate most women just want to bounce on my gronial area and then flee off into the sunset, I want a woman that's going to love me for my hobbit like posture, hairy feet and head lumps.

That's because the $20 is only good for 1 dance.

j/k:D

October 19, 2011

While I understand completely that it would turnoff women, I also can't help it. I feel not good enough, I feel beneath women (seriously). I guess sometimes it's human nature to resent that which you feel is better than you. And then of course anger and bitterness becomes natural and convenient bedfellows when their the only bedfellows you've ever known.

Alas, maybe one day I'll figure it out.

That's the thing to work on. I used to think that I had to please women and get them to like me. When I realized I needed to rethink my sense of self-worth, then things changed.

Your goal is to please fortyninethousand322, no one else. Once fortyninethousand322 is happy with fortyninethousand322, then you found nirvana.

October 19, 2011

I don't think a woman "settling" for me is belittling. Over time two people can grow in love. Considering what most women call "settling" these days, I think the better term for it would be "coming back down to earth". You can either be used for sex by the guys above your league, or "settle" for a guy who will care and dedicate himself for you.

I agree with you. There is such a negative connotation to "settling." You know what...someday you've gotta realize your prospective partner isn't gonna have it all. Sure, from surface appearances, OP prefers Girl A. But once he really starts to date and get to know Girl B, he may find that what initially made her 'second' from a shallow view (her looks), he'll come to realize she was actually just what he needed.

We all settle. We all go, "Mmm, I'm not so sure about this person, but...OK" when we first meet them. Every now and then you've got that passionate "he is exactly what I want!" from a surface view, but I think most of us do just go, "Let's give it a try." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It goes almost without saying that OP should never mention the other girl, never mention that he wasn't 'sure' about the girl he decides to date, etc. Keep it all positive, focused on her and in the present.

October 19, 2011

Do lap dancers actually touch you in strip clubs in the US of A? In my country they don't touch and they charge $47 per dance. I'm getting a raw deal.

The one time I went, they were allowed to touch you, but you weren't allowed to touch them. So yea they do touch.

October 19, 2011

Well it's either second choice or being alone your entire life.

I don't agree with the "wait for love" part. It's all a societal invention. Everyone settles.

Either the people on this forum are alone or divorced because they don't want to settle, or they are married or in a relationship because they are settling.

I very much doubt there are lots of people who are with the person they are undoubtedly so in love with and can't imagine anyone better.

There are some, but they are very, very, very few. Maybe 20 couples in the world?

October 19, 2011

I'm going to be a bit of a voice of dissent and say that 'settling' is not a bad thing. There are many ways to settle. Not physically attracted, but awesome person? Really hot, but bad in bed? Hot and fun, but has no money? It is more of a question of how you want to settle rather than if you should settle. I have dated plenty and have yet to meet a woman who is my ideal in every way. Looks are just one way to settle. There really is not a bad guy in your situations. The only bad guys are those that treat women badly. As long as you treat your SO with love and respect, you are not a bad guy. By some definitions here, I could only ask out models/actresses, because they are the only ones that have a completely ideal look.

I look at like buying a car. A lot of people aspire to own a Ferrari. A few actually will, but most won't. You may discover that the all the trips to the shop and money spent to maintain said car are a turn off. Most people will have to make compromise (settle) in spme way. You can get a Mustang that still looks good, but isn't as polished as a Ferrari, and it still has sports car compromises. Many will buy a honda civic or something similar because while it isn't very sexy, it looks alright, is easy to live with, and is the best day to day compromise for their lifestyle. Yes, they settled for a civic, but on the long run they may be happier for not going for the sexy, but unrealistic car. Others are forced to take whatever they can get because they really don't have the means to be in a position to choose.

October 19, 2011

What is this thread about. You deserve better than "average". You shouldn't settle? (how old are you, 95?) As long as you go round with that stupid mentality, you and the other young males with the same mentality on LS (and there seem to be quite a few of them) will end up in a madhouse.

Bonkers

Yeah, try being near 30 and having no experience at all with women.

Now why shouldn't one settle?

October 19, 2011

Well, let's use the car analogy. You might like to have that Jacguire in your garage, but you may never be able to have it. Does that mean you'd rather never have a car if you can't get the Jaguire? A nice comfortable Ford can have a lot of nice features to enjoy, would fit into your garage nicely, and would get you where you wanted to go. Would you rather have the empty garage and wait for the Jaguire that you may never be able to get, or would you rather have the Ford that you can enjoy right now? Maybe that's a silly analogy, but I think there's some truth to that. Some people wait around their whole life thinking something better will come along, and they hold out for it, and find themselves to be a 40 or 50 year old person who has never found that special someone, and they settle for being alone because they can't bring themselves to accept people who are not their ideal. I think it's better to appreciate the fine qualities of that Ford than hold out thinking you'd really rather have the Jaguire, and end up without either. Some of those not so great looking women can make a wonderful wife or companion. My uncle married a wonderful woman who was average looking and with a weight problem, but he was so attracted to her sweet personality, her kind spirit, and her amazing cooking, that he was willing to overlook the negatives. After 50+ years of a very happy marriage, his wife died, as did he a little bit later. I'm sure he wouldn't have changed a thing if he could live his life over. They were very happy together. He was an attractive man, but he saw all the beautiful things about her above her physical appearance, and that is why he chose her above all others. I'd suggest you don't put your life on hold waiting for someone better to come along. Find the nice qualities in others who may not be the total package, but still have a lot to offer.

October 19, 2011

Well it's either second choice or being alone your entire life.

I don't agree with the "wait for love" part. It's all a societal invention. Everyone settles.

Either the people on this forum are alone or divorced because they don't want to settle, or they are married or in a relationship because they are settling.

I very much doubt there are lots of people who are with the person they are undoubtedly so in love with and can't imagine anyone better.

There are some, but they are very, very, very few. Maybe 20 couples in the world?

Spoken like someone who hasn't been in love

Average men fall in love with average women and have average babies every day. How else would we have all these average people in the world?

Look at an average couple, eating at a chain restaurant or shopping at a big box store. Normal couple doing normal stuff. You may see a "plain" wife. But to the husband--that wife is beautiful. Her face is the face he loves to look at. That's the power of love

October 19, 2011

I think relationships are too important to worry baout settling. It's a million times better than nothing.

October 19, 2011

I agree with you. There is such a negative connotation to "settling." You know what...someday you've gotta realize your prospective partner isn't gonna have it all. Sure, from surface appearances, OP prefers Girl A. But once he really starts to date and get to know Girl B, he may find that what initially made her 'second' from a shallow view (her looks), he'll come to realize she was actually just what he needed.

We all settle. We all go, "Mmm, I'm not so sure about this person, but...OK" when we first meet them. Every now and then you've got that passionate "he is exactly what I want!" from a surface view, but I think most of us do just go, "Let's give it a try." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It goes almost without saying that OP should never mention the other girl, never mention that he wasn't 'sure' about the girl he decides to date, etc. Keep it all positive, focused on her and in the present.

But the situation you're discussing is less settling, and more being open to possibilities.

It's one thing to say "Well this person doesn't necessarily meet A, B, and C. But let's see how it goes." I don't think of that as "settling" in the way the OP thinks of it... that's more being able to compromise and see what's important to you in a relationship.

Settling, as I read it in the first post, is more "I can't have what I want, so I'll take what I can get." It's not giving the person the chance to show they might have other things that are more important than what was originally on your check list... it's already saying "They're not what I want, period."

Frankly, I've been in the position far too many times of the person who guys "settle" for. They don't like my looks, but are desperate and/or attracted to my personality. And ya know what's happened every time? They eventually find a girl who they are BOTH physically and emotionally attracted to, and discover they CAN get her, and they dump me.

Others posters may dismiss it as an overly romantic idea, but it sucks... hardcore... to be the person someone "settled" for because they assumed they couldn't get any better than you.

October 19, 2011

Well it's either second choice or being alone your entire life.

I don't agree with the "wait for love" part. It's all a societal invention. Everyone settles.

Either the people on this forum are alone or divorced because they don't want to settle, or they are married or in a relationship because they are settling.

I very much doubt there are lots of people who are with the person they are undoubtedly so in love with and can't imagine anyone better.

There are some, but they are very, very, very few. Maybe 20 couples in the world?

Respectfully, since you have never felt love and don't even believe in love, it explains why you speak utter nonsense upon the subject.

I am in my second marriage. NEVER did I think during either one of the relationships that I wished I were with someone "better."

In fact, I was in love with a boyfriend I did not marry, and then, too, I NEVER "imagined someone better."

It's tremendously offensive and kind of freaks me out, frankly, to read that you actually think this way.

Whether you believe in love or not, it exists. Love is love; when you experience love, it is … a done deal. Sure, you might think something like, "I wish my husband made more money." Or, "Brad Pitt sure is hot." Plenty of times you are sadly in touch with the things about your loved one that make you crazy, but if you were "imagining someone better," then you didn't actually love your husband.

If I weren't connected on a very deep level with the men I ended up marrying, I simply would have either waited for that profound connection to happen someday, or I would have remained single.

I also love my daughter, who is a tremendous pain in my ass and the two of us butt heads like mountain goats. She's 24 and it's been that way since she was a little kid. Do I sometimes wish she were a more amenable individual? Sure. Does she wish I were a more sweet mommy? Oh, yeah. But I promise you that I don't EVER wish for a "better" daughter, nor she fore a "better" mom.

When you experience love, it's like that. Really.

Sometimes I think that some people posting here are emotionally disabled.

I even have trouble wrapping my mind around the concept of some people being "better" than other people.

Just not getting it AT ALL.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer

October 19, 2011

I suppose I have never felt love, so I don't know what it's like.

October 20, 2011

I'm not sure how some people here necessarily construe going out with a 'less-than-Tom-Cruise-or-Megan-Fox' as settling. Personally I would not even go out with a stereotypical 'hot jock' for a variety of reasons, and if the bf and I were offered the chance to magically enhance his physical appearance, I'd be ambivalent about it. If one is the sort to rate their relationships based on their partner's physical appearance, well, good for them, but it is highly presumptuous and arrogant to think that people with 'average-looking' mates are 'settling'. To me, there is 'attracted to sexually' and 'not attracted to sexually', and as long as the man falls in the former, it doesn't matter how good-looking he is.

October 20, 2011

As a relevant data point, an ostensibly 'average' man who did 'wait around for love' and who did perhaps 'settle' with someone who turned out to be an incompatible match, I'll offer that the 'waiting around' certainly had its low moments but marriage to and the aftermath of being with an incompatible partner is certainly more injurious, both in the practical sense and psychologically. When I speak of 'settling' I'm not speaking of appearances, rather of compatibility.

So, today, if given the choice, I'll 'wait around' and would prefer to live out an otherwise fulfilling life. The 'love bug' has emptied its gas tank.

October 20, 2011

I'm not sure how some people here necessarily construe going out with a 'less-than-Tom-Cruise-or-Megan-Fox' as settling. Personally I would not even go out with a stereotypical 'hot jock' for a variety of reasons, and if the bf and I were offered the chance to magically enhance his physical appearance, I'd be ambivalent about it. If one is the sort to rate their relationships based on their partner's physical appearance, well, good for them, but it is highly presumptuous and arrogant to think that people with 'average-looking' mates are 'settling'. To me, there is 'attracted to sexually' and 'not attracted to sexually', and as long as the man falls in the former, it doesn't matter how good-looking he is.

I know, it's absurd to think that greater physical attractiveness will equal greater love!

You fall in love with a person--not a face, or a body. And when you fall in love with a person, you fall in love with their face, and body, and voice, and mannerisms, and smell, and, and, and.....

There is no settling when you are in love. Even for the most average among us

October 20, 2011

I know, it's absurd to think that greater physical attractiveness will equal greater love!

You fall in love with a person--not a face, or a body. And when you fall in love with a person, you fall in love with their face, and body, and voice, and mannerisms, and smell, and, and, and.....

There is no settling when you are in love. Even for the most average among us

I like this post so much! It is so true! Like like like (looks for facebook like button)!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Cliche, but true.

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Should men who are average looking, settle, or should they wait around for a love..?

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