pakkap Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I met a girl, lets call her Katie, three years ago in college. We studied abroad together. She had a boyfriend. I was very innocent and fell for her anyways. I went after her aggressively, and almost won her over, when a friend, call him Dan, talked me out of being "that guy." (I told Katie how I felt, then she went to Dan and told him something, then he talked me out of it). I assumed I was only fooling myself into thinking I had a shot. Katie's boyfriend dumped her a few months ago. Dan immediately asked me if I was still interested and continuously told me to go for it. I didn't, for a few reasons, including worrying about being the rebound (if she and her ex got back together we'd be done forever). We had also, however, kind of lost that "spark" that used to exist between us (maybe because she was "off-limits" before but not now--I don't know). We both kinda seemed halfway interested, in my opinion. Dan disagreed. Then we all (Katie, Dan, a few friends, and I) went to the bar last weekend and got hammered (not the goal--just happened). She tried to hook me up with a friend who was throwing herself at me, practically. She also told a story of how the week before, her friends had made some dares with her and she had basically made it to second base with four guys over the course of a night. That made my stomach churn a bit and realize how much I wanted her. She danced with a guy whose league she was waaaay out of, all night. Towards the end, she made a face, so I swooped in and danced her out of there, but that was it. Now Dan says that I've blown my chance with her and probably won't get another. He added that the only--maybe 10%--chance I had was to tell her how I feel right away, and even then he thought it wasn't good. I have to win her over. Any ideas on how to do that? I am quite sure that she was interested at least in one point over the last few years, but I don't think she totally is now... I need to rekindle the spark but don't know how...
SingleinSouth Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 It's simple. Just ask her out. You don't have to explain anything right now...just ask her out. The worst that can happen is that she says no and then you won't feel like she is "the one who got away". If she says yes, come back here and start a new thread about what to say/do/go/wear. We all do it and it's ok.
Author pakkap Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 But I am worried. The fact that my friend thought she was interested but no longer thinks so is a god-awful sign though... And I know she was interested before. I just feel the need to somehow pique her interest again first...
SingleinSouth Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 But I am worried. The fact that my friend thought she was interested but no longer thinks so is a god-awful sign though... And I know she was interested before. I just feel the need to somehow pique her interest again first... The only way I can see to do that is to ask her out. She already knows you like her (we have good radar on that) but might have friend-zoned you already after you danced with her that night for awhile and then walked away without asking her out or piquing her interest further. If she likes you, she will overlook one incident of lack of confidence but the most attractive feature to a woman is confidence (not to be confused with selfish egotistical pig, lol). Ask her. So what if she says no? It took me awhile to learn that there are plenty of other guys on earth and that if one doesn't work, there's a better one out there. Seriously.
Author pakkap Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 The only way I can see to do that is to ask her out. She already knows you like her (we have good radar on that) but might have friend-zoned you already after you danced with her that night for awhile and then walked away without asking her out or piquing her interest further. If she likes you, she will overlook one incident of lack of confidence but the most attractive feature to a woman is confidence (not to be confused with selfish egotistical pig, lol). Ask her. So what if she says no? It took me awhile to learn that there are plenty of other guys on earth and that if one doesn't work, there's a better one out there. Seriously. So the best move would be to ask her straight up? And if I'm in the friend zone it is from not being aggressive enough? Would I have a better chance if I date someone else then ask this girl if I end up breaking up? I'm sure that she does know that I am interested. I was trying not to be though, because I really didn't want to be "that guy" who swept in right after the break up, as if I were a vulture hovering around her relationship for two years, waiting to catch my prey. My friend Dan mentioned above was even stupid enough to say to her that I've "been in love with [her]" for years. I don't think her reaction to that was so great, but how could it have been. He was insistent that she was still interested in me, even months after that. I truly do need this girl. I care about her so much as a person; I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. And that is the problem.
DenumChkn Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Well, if you truly "need" her and care about her so much "as a person", then just be her friend. It is unhealthy to "need" anyone in your life, possibly with the exception of your mom and dad. I can tell you what will happen when you guys start dating, if it does come to that: She will have all of the power in the relationship, you will grow more attached to her. Eventually she will grow bored of you and the lack of a challenge and hurt you more than you could possibly even fathom right now. After that you will no longer be able to be friends of any sort. Then your 'need' and caring about her 'as a person' will be exacerbated to a degree that will make your hurt turn to stone for an extended and indeterminate amount of time. It will not be worth it. I would seek elsewhere for a relationship and maintain a cordial relationship with her. If she ever openly pursues you then that might be an acceptable way to begin a relationship with her, but that is unlikely and even then I would remain weary. Best of luck.
SingleinSouth Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 I truly do need this girl. I care about her so much as a person; I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. And that is the problem. Yeah, that's not good. I'm not sure there is a single person on earth that I "need". That is Dependent Personality Disorder stuff! You probably shouldn't even approach her until you get this part figured out. It's not good to need a girl that badly (or a guy in my case). I like my boyfriend of 5 months but I don't "need" him. If he would break up with me now, I would be upset and I would need to get busy doing something else to distract me, but I don't need him.
Author pakkap Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Yeah, that's not good. I'm not sure there is a single person on earth that I "need". That is Dependent Personality Disorder stuff! You probably shouldn't even approach her until you get this part figured out. It's not good to need a girl that badly (or a guy in my case). I like my boyfriend of 5 months but I don't "need" him. If he would break up with me now, I would be upset and I would need to get busy doing something else to distract me, but I don't need him. Need might have been the wrong word. The bigger line is that I can't imagine not having her around and as a friend. And I know that our friendship will not last forever, without a relationship. Because it can't. No opposite-sex friendship really can. But it is still a problem.
delurk Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 (edited) Just an observation... you seem to place rather a lot of weight on what your friend Dan thinks. Dan certainly seems to have a lot of opinions about the state of affairs between you and this girl, and I'm sure he genuinely thinks he's trying to help. But while he may be a well meaning friend, his encouragement or discouragement seems to be influencing your own decision making process a bit too much. Look, whether this thing between you and the girl goes anywhere depends on what you both think of one another, not what Dan thinks. Dan shouldn't be your proxy for dealing with this girl, whether intentionally or unintentionally. He's not doing you any favours by advising you on what he thinks she thinks, even though I'm sure he has the best of intentions. Why not just talk to the girl yourself? Seriously, you'll never know for sure what she thinks if you don't try. You certainly won't go anywhere by constantly worrying about what some third party thinks. Edited October 21, 2011 by delurk
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