Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, here's my story Basicly I'll try to keep it as short and straight to the point as I can. My wife left me after 4 years of relationship, we have a son who is 1 year and 3 months old, we lived together in a rented house which we fully furnished & prepared for life. She is 24 and I am 29. She said she doesnt love me the same way anymore, said she doesnt feel attracted to me anymore, how I am not the man for her, and that for the ''2 weeks period where she had to see if she could love me the same way again she realized I am not a man for her''. (I did not really understand the seriousness of the situation for those 2 weeks and I had not really understood how she actually felt, I figured it's just another of her nags, boy was I wrong.) When she said that day to me that she wants me to leave my I broke down and realized the seriousness of it. To make it short I left. Several weeks I've tried to talk to her to 'plead my case' tell her how I see what I've done wrong, I cant explain it but once you lose everything you have cared for, family, home, time with your son, future planned out - I broke. I will give you exact harsh truth here: I took her for granted I thought she should take care of the home, on top of that study and take care of our son whenever she is at home so I could focus on my work, I was being paid well so I wanted to focus that for future, I admit I took it too far and neglected/isolated/ignored her pleads for help, to spend time with her or help her in general with house chores. Instead I just expected her to do those things on her own. I also on top of that did not like her wanting to go out with her girlfriends to have fun, I limited it to very rarely every few months, I also didnt like her friends coming over to our house. I controled the money very tightly, I have made fun of her, I have put her down, I have made her feel less worth, I've said mean things to her every time she fought out to break this behaviour from me but I kept being an *******. Now I can feed you crap how I've changed, how i've seen the light, to be honest I read a lot of literature and realized I lost myself as a man and I let my fears and insecurities get the worse of me, I acted like a major jackass. I tried to control and take freedoms from a person I am supposed to love, I neglected and took her for granted. To turn now into a person who realizes that she is the woman I love till the end of time and that I had everything a man can truly wish for, I just never let us be happy. I thought my work will create a future for us but that doesnt excuse my neglect of her nor the controling behaviour towards her, isolating her from her friends and family. Just a typical insecure person. No wonder she stopped loving me huh? Well, I realize now I was a major jackass and yeah (WOWWWW) I want her back and I want our son to have a home and a family he deserves and that what I have done is wrong and I wouldnt dream being like that again, I've already started working on myself to see who I am etc... Bottom line, she wont hear of it, she says to move on that we are over and that I had my chance and if I had loved her I would never treat her like that, and that now she is sure she doesnt want to be in a relationship she wants to be with herself and that she doesnt know what future brings but she wants me to try to move on and that there is no chance she will come back to me. I wont act feed you with my patheticness, basicly I am a shell of a young man I once was, I have lost my way, and now my life. Despite me thinking now I know what I did was wrong and the pleads that I would never be like that again, its been futile, for past 4 weeks I have tried to show her I wouldnt be like that, it only resulted in her becoming more and more angry with me and I quote she will never ever be with me again, I havent changed I dont respect her, she doesnt miss me at all, she doesnt feel anything for me or anyone else. What she did was give our son to her grandmother to take care of while she went out partying for the past month ++. Now I dont want to be judgemental, or panic, or think is there another man, when I have asked about it, I got teeth shown that there wasnt and that its not my business anymore. Now I have read every ''how to get your ex'' out there and I know for sure I want her back and its not just a whim. I'm more or less emotionally stable now but I still slip from time to time. I'm kinda lost at the moment and I dont know what to do next, I figured just leave her alone after all the begging and pleading and I know these things were wrong but please understand me I was demolished. Had someone told me I would feel this pain I would said no way! Atm I am trying to keep LC but its not easy. So how do you guys find mental strenght not to go after your wife and beg her to see how you have changed. I know I am a cliche after reading everything here. I wouldnt have dreamed of writing my story here but since I have read some threads I realize that people here are really nice and helpful and that I am not really alone. So with immense humility please help me... I know it probably looks sad and pathetic but I really want my family back and I know I'd be amazing husband and father now, but I keep hitting the wall of rejection... Honest opinions are welcome, as I said her atitude towards me is, forget me and move on, that she hates me and will never give me another chance in life and how happy she is being solo and enjoying life figuring who she is and what she wants in life, and that she is sure its not me... Sincerely Just another ******* who couldnt apreciate what he had Edited October 18, 2011 by Majkl
robf1971 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hello everyone, here's my story Basicly I'll try to keep it as short and straight to the point as I can. My wife left me after 4 years of relationship, we have a son who is 1 year and 3 months old, we lived together in a rented house which we fully furnished & prepared for life. She is 24 and I am 29. She said she doesnt love me the same way anymore, said she doesnt feel attracted to me anymore, how I am not the man for her, and that for the ''2 weeks period where she had to see if she could love me the same way again she realized I am not a man for her''. (I did not really understand the seriousness of the situation for those 2 weeks and I had not really understood how she actually felt, I figured it's just another of her nags, boy was I wrong.) When she said that day to me that she wants me to leave my I broke down and realized the seriousness of it. To make it short I left. Several weeks I've tried to talk to her to 'plead my case' tell her how I see what I've done wrong, I cant explain it but once you lose everything you have cared for, family, home, time with your son, future planned out - I broke. I will give you exact harsh truth here: I took her for granted I thought she should take care of the home, on top of that study and take care of our son whenever she is at home so I could focus on my work, I was being paid well so I wanted to focus that for future, I admit I took it too far and neglected/isolated/ignored her pleads for help, to spend time with her or help her in general with house chores. Instead I just expected her to do those things on her own. I also on top of that did not like her wanting to go out with her girlfriends to have fun, I limited it to very rarely every few months, I also didnt like her friends coming over to our house. I controled the money very tightly, I have made fun of her, I have put her down, I have made her feel less worth, I've said mean things to her every time she fought out to break this behaviour from me but I kept being an *******. Now I can feed you crap how I've changed, how i've seen the light, to be honest I read a lot of literature and realized I lost myself as a man and I let my fears and insecurities get the worse of me, I acted like a major jackass. I tried to control and take freedoms from a person I am supposed to love, I neglected and took her for granted. To turn now into a person who realizes that she is the woman I love till the end of time and that I had everything a man can truly wish for, I just never let us be happy. I thought my work will create a future for us but that doesnt excuse my neglect of her nor the controling behaviour towards her, isolating her from her friends and family. Just a typical insecure person. No wonder she stopped loving me huh? Well, I realize now I was a major jackass and yeah (WOWWWW) I want her back and I want our son to have a home and a family he deserves and that what I have done is wrong and I wouldnt dream being like that again, I've already started working on myself to see who I am etc... Bottom line, she wont hear of it, she says to move on that we are over and that I had my chance and if I had loved her I would never treat her like that, and that now she is sure she doesnt want to be in a relationship she wants to be with herself and that she doesnt know what future brings but she wants me to try to move on and that there is no chance she will come back to me. I wont act feed you with my patheticness, basicly I am a shell of a young man I once was, I have lost my way, and now my life. Despite me thinking now I know what I did was wrong and the pleads that I would never be like that again, its been futile, for past 4 weeks I have tried to show her I wouldnt be like that, it only resulted in her becoming more and more angry with me and I quote she will never ever be with me again, I havent changed I dont respect her, she doesnt miss me at all, she doesnt feel anything for me or anyone else. What she did was give our son to her grandmother to take care of while she went out partying for the past month ++. Now I dont want to be judgemental, or panic, or think is there another man, when I have asked about it, I got teeth shown that there wasnt and that its not my business anymore. Now I have read every ''how to get your ex'' out there and I know for sure I want her back and its not just a whim. I'm more or less emotionally stable now but I still slip from time to time. I'm kinda lost at the moment and I dont know what to do next, I figured just leave her alone after all the begging and pleading and I know these things were wrong but please understand me I was demolished. Had someone told me I would feel this pain I would said no way! Atm I am trying to keep LC but its not easy. So how do you guys find mental strenght not to go after your wife and beg her to see how you have changed. I know I am a cliche after reading everything here. I wouldnt have dreamed of writing my story here but since I have read some threads I realize that people here are really nice and helpful and that I am not really alone. So with immense humility please help me... I know it probably looks sad and pathetic but I really want my family back and I know I'd be amazing husband and father now, but I keep hitting the wall of rejection... Honest opinions are welcome, as I said her atitude towards me is, forget me and move on, that she hates me and will never give me another chance in life and how happy she is being solo and enjoying life figuring who she is and what she wants in life, and that she is sure its not me... Sincerely Just another ******* who couldnt apreciate what he had Begging and pleading NEVER works.. so stop it. The sooner you let her go with a big smile on her face, and give her what she wants ie her freedom, the better chance you have of repairing yourself and maybe her finding the way back to you. First order of the day for you, is to get a lawyer, protect yourself and your kids.
reboot Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Now I dont want to be judgemental, or panic, or think is there another man, when I have asked about it, I got teeth shown that there wasnt and that its not my business anymore. Exactly the typical reaction when there IS another man.
robf1971 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Exactly the typical reaction when there IS another man. Yep, i hate to say it but that is a 99% chance ...
Author Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) She says she is emotionally dead and doesnt feel anything for me or anyone else, but she is ''open for other men'' and that she wants to have ''sex'' and wont lie to me about that, and that she is looking for a ''sex buddy''. Now I dont know if she is saying these things in anger to hurt me for what has happened between us. I dont believe any of it, maybe I should start listening? It's very hard for me to let go, I cant get the images of my family back nor get of the guilt trip train, she acts as if everything is my fault, and that I never did anything for her when she has asked me, she keeps repeating she Does not want to be in a relationship etc and that there is no one... Eitherway her family is actually on my side and they tried everything to help me and tell her she's being stupid and she's making a mistake and that I am a good man etc... I just dont know what to think anymore... I keep hoping its a phase, last what she said to her sister (who supports me and said maybe she will change her mind) she replied, maybe but I dont see it happen anytime soon... But whenever I mention anything, ''dont know what future brings'' and if I push any further she turns into a Hulk, on top of all that I fear shes doing the justify herself actions by victimizing herself now and blaming everything on me? Worst of all she says she is a bad mother and she is being selfish now and its all about her her her and how 4 years she has been treated bad and supressed etc... we share custody and everything and she only demands child support for herself for duration of our son being there, but I just cant understand how can someone 'turn of their emotions over night'? She says had I said things in the past few months to her and how I feel now it would have meant a world to her, but now suddenly it doesnt ... I am afraid there is OM in question, I am sure she did not cheat on me, but I fear she may have fell for someone and is the reason of this dramatic change and behaviour... but when I ask, I get a big fat No I am not Any further opinions are welcome Edited October 18, 2011 by Majkl
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Too many red flags that say there is another guy. Okay, don't bring it up anymore. Put a keylogger on your computer at home to track e-mails and communications on that PC. If she's guarding her phone like Fort Knox...that's another sign. If she has charged her phone on the computer, chances are that the phone and the computer sync'd up. If she has a iphone you need to download a iphone backup extractor. This will allow you to view texts from that phone. Even deleted ones. http://www.iphonebackupextractor.com/ Then, get yourself some voice activated recorders and plant them around the home. Then get someheavy duty velcro and plant one under the seat of her car to capture any conversations she may be having.
Author Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 I've already moved out to my parents house. On top of that I dont intend to torture myself by spying on her, I have heard she is spending a lot of time online 'chatting with a guyfriend'. I guess thats what the reason behind all of this is, my question is how to go forward from this? The way she talks and acts is as if she has planned out next 3 years of her life without me... She was on a 'vacation trip' with her girlfriend for 4 days and when she came home she decided that this life isnt it anymore for her and its not what she wants, then I acted pathetic and she will 'try to see if she can move on' 10 days later bam. So I do fear that she has feelings for someone else, but who would break a marriage and ruin a family over feelings for someone else? She said someone had made her feel good about herself by flirting and she flirted back and she wanted to act upon it, and how if she really loved me she wouldnt feel like that which started all of this up for her... Eitherway I still cant let go the hope she might change her mind, but when I ask about it I get hit by rage and madness
Author Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 I feel as if for the past month and a half I have been lying to myself and trying to comfort myself with false hope, she does seem dead set on moving on and not giving us a chance... If its another man or not, does it really matter? What should I do, I feel so stupid and pathetic that I still want her back?
ShatteredReality Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) She may have another man...she may not. Bottom line isn't whether she does or not. Bottom line is that she snapped. It's something I have been trying to convey for years in conversations like these. A woman (it applies to some men too - the situations can be flipped - but that's not what we're talking about) will take abuse to a certain level and then all of her strongholds crack and something snaps inside of her. When this happens, she loses is - she does things uncharacteristic of herself. She parties, shucks responsibilities, becomes selfish, pushes those she loves away, even has affairs. She does the polar opposite of what she's been doing for years. What do we say the definition of insanity is?? Doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result!! So...if you stop doing the exact same thing and try the opposite approach - you will get a different result! I knew a girl who said her mom accused her of smoking for years. She wasn't, but at some point she bought a pack of cigarettes and walked up to her mom and said "If you're going to accuse me of doing it I am going to do it. My friends all offer it to me every time we hang out and I always say no - you punish me anyway. I am not going to say no anymore." Now...you may find flaws in her logic - and that's fine...but the bottom line is still there...punish a person for things they're not doing and they will either do those things or leave you standing so they can go somewhere where they're not constantly being wrongly degraded. Abuse comes in many forms - neglect and verbal abuse are much more powerful than many people realize. Your insecurities which lead to your behavior likely contributed to the slow and agonizing stripping of her self worth and self respect. If you called her stupid - you being the man she loved with all her heart and envisioned spending the rest of her life with...she eventually either began to believe you or hate you for it...or both. I won't say there's no hope for your relationship - I don't think that way. What I will say is this - the ONLY way to get her back is to prove through ACTIONS that you've seen your wrongs. STOP pressuring her and begging and crawling on your knees. Provided she doesn't do a boat load of wrongs to negate your wrongs - that may come later. For now...become the man you believe she deserves. Do it for yourself because that's who you want to be. Do it knowing you may never get her back and another woman may wind up reaping the benefits of this painful experience. Do it for your children. Sometimes a woman will reach her end...she will snap and something inside almost audibly breaks...when that happens it takes an amazing revelation for her to recognize this and begin to make the repairs she needs to make to be a decent person...the last thing she wants is the person who contributed largely to this break to come around acting weak and needy as if she has just one more responsibility on her shoulders. Edited October 18, 2011 by ShatteredReality sp
Author Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) She actually used that term, something broke inside of her and she cant repair it to feel the same for me, she tried, I think I have just hurt her too much by not meeting her emotional needs, our love life was great, she says it herself thats why I dont think she has anyone... I feel as I have already ****ed it up and pushed her away by my pleading and begging and promises to change over the past month... She is very snappish towards me and still acts as if she is filled with hate towards me suddenly and that she has to deal with the situation alone now while I am off living it the easy life? I am trying to understand her, its hard though. Any advice on how to get started to improve myself and actually let go? I dont think I can stop acting the way I do without really letting go of this hope.... and I dont think ''waiting'' will do me any good but damage me further... On top of that for the past month and a half the reason I kept doing the same mistake is like a vicious circle, I think I push her away with my behaviour and there is no way she will ever forgive me and say I want us to work so I keep torturing myself and pushing back trying to plead and show her I ve changed and expecting her to miraculously say ok... I know im being stupid, its just very hard to have self control when i think i ruined my chance of getting her back by being needy and clingy, Id love to think I didnt since we do have a son together and for last 4 years together we did have something and I know she truly loved me and I loved her too, i just lost my way .. thank you for your replies most sincerely... Edited October 18, 2011 by Majkl
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Wait...wait....if she is cheating on you, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the marriage and she can be blamed for the other 50%. But, if she's cheating, that's 100% on her. She made a choice to cheat. That is in NO WAY your fault. Move back into your house, immediately!!! That's your house too. And there's a couple of reason that you need to get back into that house. One, if your heading for divorce, the courts will see that you've abandonded the martial home...so, she gets to keep it and the mortage payment will be factored into Child support and alimony. Let the courts decide who stays and who goes. Chances are they'll make you sell off the martial assets and split 50-50. If you don't get back in that house, you get nothing but paying her a higher amount at the end of every month. Number two, she WANTS you out of the house because if there is a OM she wants the freedom to cheat openly without interference from you. With you there puts a major strain on any of her plans. When you go back to the house, she's gonna be pissed! Okay, so what! If SHE doesn't like it, SHE can leave! Simple as that! Do not tell her that you're moving back in. Just do it. If she flies off the handle, then you know somethings up. Keep a VAR in your pocket for ANY interaction with her. It would not shock me if she threatens to call the cops saying that you beat her or she scared of you. Record everything! Forget your wife. Your wife isn't the woman you married. This woman is a complete alien to you. You have to start looking out for yourself and your kids. GET A LAWYER! Start looking out for yourself, because if you don't know one else will!
ShatteredReality Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 She actually used that term, something broke inside of her and she cant repair it to feel the same for me, she tried, I think I have just hurt her too much by not meeting her emotional needs, our love life was great, she says it herself thats why I dont think she has anyone... I feel as I have already ****ed it up and pushed her away by my pleading and begging and promises to change over the past month... She is very snappish towards me and still acts as if she is filled with hate towards me suddenly and that she has to deal with the situation alone now while I am off living it the easy life? I am trying to understand her, its hard though. Any advice on how to get started to improve myself and actually let go? I dont think I can stop acting the way I do without really letting go of this hope.... and I dont think ''waiting'' will do me any good but damage me further... On top of that for the past month and a half the reason I kept doing the same mistake is like a vicious circle, I think I push her away with my behaviour and there is no way she will ever forgive me and say I want us to work so I keep torturing myself and pushing back trying to plead and show her I ve changed and expecting her to miraculously say ok... I know im being stupid, its just very hard to have self control when i think i ruined my chance of getting her back by being needy and clingy, Id love to think I didnt since we do have a son together and for last 4 years together we did have something and I know she truly loved me and I loved her too, i just lost my way .. thank you for your replies most sincerely... Ok, letting go means you will not repair this relationship. I will tell you that straight out. If you go date another woman it will nail those last nails into the coffin. You have to really think about where you went wrong. What were your actions that were wrong? Have you apologized for those specifically? My husband was horribly verbally abusive towards me...awful. I still am mystified that he can look at me with such honesty and claim he had NO idea HOW wrong his actions were. But, he's been so vehement about that for so long that I believe him. She won't believe you at first when you say it either. But if you say it, and then it doesn't happen again...she will. When someone tells you putting your finger on the glass next to a lit candle will burn your finger - how many times do you keep touching the glass and telling them they're wrong? You may try it once, but once you've really learned you will stop doing it and quit arguing about it. Don't argue with her, don't placate her, don't beg her or force her or anything of the sort. Tell her that you love her. That you're sorry. That you're working on yourself - get into counselling or read up on others who have similar issues or both. It takes a long time. That's why I said you need to become the man you feel she deserves - but do it knowing it might be too late to be with her. You need to realize these changes you're making - they're not FOR her...they're BECAUSE of her. There is a difference...her drastic actions showed you where you were mis-stepping...maybe even thank her for that at some point when you're ready. This is going to be difficult and painful - I won't sugar coat that for you. But she fell in love with you before...if you become that man who didn't abuse her...she could fall in love with you again potentially. Do things that you used to do...bring her coffee when you come visit the kids - it is not a diamond but it shows you were thinking of her...if coffee isn't her thing make it a rose....or whatever - her favorite candy bar. If you are at the house...pick up a little, help out with the housework you previously expected her to do. Offer to do some of the projects around the house you never did that she begged you to do. Ask her to attend marriage counselling with you and help you make yourself a better man - a better father. You cannot control what she does or who she does it with...that is why this journey has to be about making YOU better...either she'll come around or she won't...but you will then be able to say you tried. Sitting in a corner moaning about what you've lost will get you nothing but a soggy shirt and 5 o'clock shadow.
Author Majkl Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 @shatteredreality How do I do that when she doesnt want anything to do with me? Last few times we talked it ended in the spirit of her being hurt that I'm still trying to control her by asking if she's into someone, after that we havent really spoken, and before that she asked for child support money to which i fully agreed... What I know from before she just wants me to be 'normal'. How do I start acting healthy and stop being insecure, but yeah ,I cant figure out this change, I really asume i hurt her that bad, and I dont think there is someone else because she has never lied to me. Should I just go NC for a while since my son is at his grandmothers at the time being for 2 or 3 more weeks. How to aproach the situation to show her I can be 'normal' or start from 0 somehow
Chi townD Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 and I dont think there is someone else because she has never lied to me. Yeah...half the people on this forum also said that their spouses would NEVER cheat on them only to come back and say, " I can't believe he/she cheated on me!" okay look you need to start doing the 180. The 180 is this: So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."However, you need to get back into that house or else she'll never see you doing the 180 effectively!
robf1971 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Ok, letting go means you will not repair this relationship. You have to really think about where you went wrong. What were your actions that were wrong? Have you apologized for those specifically? . Tell her that you love her. That you're sorry. That you're working on yourself - Do things that you used to do...bring her coffee when you come visit the kids - it is not a diamond but it shows you were thinking of her...if coffee isn't her thing make it a rose....or whatever - her favorite candy bar. If you are at the house...pick up a little, help out with the housework you previously expected her to do. Offer to do some of the projects around the house you never did that she begged you to do. Ask her to attend marriage counselling with you and help you make yourself a better man - a better father. . With all due respect it's gone waaayyyy past the point of this happening. You are asking him to play little bo peep to a cheating spouse. IT NEVER WORKS.
Author Majkl Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Unfortunately me moving back to the apartment is out of question for her, she offered that I can come back and be there and she will move to another one... Atm I am in another country now anyways back to my parents home... Things settled at the moment are just childs support which I agreed to and I am paying, but she seems stone cold on pursuing only what she wants at the moment and wont even hear any talk about make up, her mind is made up I should go and live my life and try to move on. I dont get the iron resolution in this woman. I am trying to sort out the situation here for myself so I can bring my son here to spend time with me, feels like I have to start from 0 while she has it all already worked out and planned out. Kinda hard to think she managed to do that while partying and going out all this time, but thats how it is. In the long run I still hope she comes around, so I am wondering if there is anything I can actually do. I understand I should just be civil to her and not bring ''us'' up at all, because so far every time I have done that she enraged and said how we are finished and she is 100% sure and she will never ever give me a chance again or anyone else for that matter and that she deserves better someone who will treat her the way she deserves.
Author Majkl Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 I think I have to man up and let her go her way and just keep it to my son and finances. I aknowledged the fact that I am probably the one responsible for alienating my wife, isolating her neglecting her and verbally putting her down and if she actually broke down or snapped it is my own fault. Nothing I say or do now will change her mind eitherway, because she had said to me she has thought about this for a good two weeks. I guess what is done is done, I have to accept what she is saying and stop chasing after her because thats doing nothing but prolonging my own agony. I realize I blew it, she had her flaws and all but they were nothing compared to who she was as a person to me. If you guys read this, dont neglect your wives and put them down verbally or argue with them and make them feel less worth than you because you're the MAN you make the big bucks you decide whats ok and not. This is a weak man's path and will do you no good, live as an individual and dont treat your spouse as they belong to you and you own them. I myself have to accept the situation now and what I have done to my life, I tried to be angry at her for not seeing what I had done but she is right, why would she be with a man like me just because of our son? It's too late for her as she says, I dont know if its another man or not, or other things from life that she wants, I just know that I cant blame her for it. I thought, wow, I helped her so much to become 'normal' and on the way of help I gradually started to control her and put her down. Which I realize came from my own fears and doubts and insecurities that a real grown up mature individual would never allow himself. Anyways thats my 2 cents, it may be too late for me but if what I say in any way reflects on yourselves then act upon it now and change 180 ASAP. Be the man your women fell in love with and dont lose yourself on the way of becoming lazy or preoccupied with work and expect understanding and appreciation if you dont take time for them and treat them the same way. -Mike
ShatteredReality Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Yeah, I know this is a tough spot you're in. I was trying to convey that getting her to come around will take you kinda ignoring the problems in the marriage for now. If you told her once that you were sorry for all of the things that you did then she knows that...now you just have to improve yourself and she will either see that or not. I cannot say it's not too late. I am not on board with all those folks saying she cheated on you - she may have someone now, but that doesn't mean she did when all of this started - before you left. Until you find out otherwise, the truth is, you don't know. When you say you're in another country - do you mean you're in a different country than she's in now? That will make reconciliation nearly impossible. Just to let you know...long distance reconciliation in a case like this is simply unrealistic.
ShatteredReality Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 With all due respect it's gone waaayyyy past the point of this happening. You are asking him to play little bo peep to a cheating spouse. IT NEVER WORKS. It is possible for a woman to leave her husband without cheating first. I know it happens more often than not, but it's still possible. The fact here is that he sees where he went wrong - now it's time to make changes to prevent himself from becoming that person again. I said quite a few times that he needs to do this with the thought that the two of them might not make it - but if he is looking toward reconciliation, it's nice for him to have some ideas on things to try to get there.
Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 (edited) What would you do in my place? You kinda broke me down with the long distance rec. Even if I went back what could I do? Facts are she found a daycare for my son that she intends to put him in while she is at the university. Last time when we were on the phone talking about child support she did sound very angry that she has to be the one to deal with everything alone now... then started ranting about how she doesnt have winter boots because I didnt move the package from the cellar to the attic... and how I never did anything for her when she asked me to... Generally seems very angry at me and hateful When I suggested that she doesnt have to go through this alone, she flipped out. Called her again to ask if this was what she really wanted, she let a hysterical laugh and hanged up on me. I was already suggested by some friends that I should move back and try to take care of my son as much as I can regardless of her. Edited October 20, 2011 by Majkl
Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I was told by another friend of mine (female) that my ex probably is very angry at the moment because she seems not to want the 'family or responsibilities' and now she is forced to deal with them on her own and she doesnt like that, but thats what she wanted by asking me to leave. She has left our son at her grandmothers for the past month and only focused on going out or whatever else... Reason for that was that the flat was too depressing for her to be there alone and she didnt have the 'patience' to take care of our son alone... And that she knows she is not a good mother and she's being selfish at the moment, I just dont know what to figure out of all this. Last time she called me to rage at me for not sending child support (it was weekend) and how I never listen etc... And then she started sounding very angry over the phone how she's sure I'm having time of my life here? I replied look, I am not, I get up with guilt and I go to bed with guilt. Didnt seem to care... then got angry again...
Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 I do want to REC, but at the moment she wont hear of it, she is happy being solo, doesnt want to be in a relationship, isnt looking for one. Wants me to try to move on. How she wants to figure out who she is and what she wants to do, she doesnt know what the future holds but this is how she feels atm 100% and she is SURE. If I decided to go back there I would have to rent a flat of my own. Extra cost from the situation where I am in now (parent home). I would get to spend time with my son, since I work from home my work wouldnt really be affected. I would have to deal with her and I dont know if I am strong enough for that at the moment, what if she brings OM around or starts sleeping around? Dont know whats her current situation now. Last phone call I had with her was when she was having a 'guest' and I asked her are you into someone, are you involved? No and she is emotionally dead... was the reply... dunno what to think anymore I do know I want her back, but I fear I could be wanting hell unleashed on me back and I do not want to be a doormat
Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 The day of the breakup I felt something was wrong, she woke up and was in a bad mood, so I said do you want me to leave? She said yes, and how she thought about it whole night and just didnt want to be with me anymore, to keep it short I broke down. I left 2 days later with our son who was with me for 2 weeks here, first week I was holding up ok, didnt stress her etc she asked every day how our son was I said hes ok, then 1 day I said he and I missed her a lot. She replied she didnt know if she wanted to be together with me anymore again. Then I couldnt let it be over the next few days where I angered her and she said she was 100% sure now and we're finished forever ever and I will never have a chance again... Then I broke down again and I said in order for me to get better you need to come and take our son back, he says mama all the time and its just too much pain for me like this. For these 3 weeks she kept going out 'enjoying freedom' etc etc started smoking again. I couldnt really leave her alone I kept trying to plead my case convince her etc, had her family trying to help me, chased our friends asking for help, then when she was out one day I broke down and spammed her up with some txts, from which apparently after that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore... then after few days she visited a girlfriend of hers where she spent time, anyways after that she was gonna come to take our son, before she came I broke down on phone begging again saying just give me hope that one day ull give me a chance etc... she kept saying no and that I had my chance etc... The next day she arrived, I acted calm and cool tried to explain I was emotional last weeks because of everything that has happened and I would hate if she made any long term decisions based on that... How I know that had she not done what she had done I would never realize how badly I treated her and she felt, then we went on spending few hours together just chatting, after that spent few hours with our son in the park before flight... I was cool and nice and calm... She flew back and said to her friend that she said why wasnt i like this before... Which gave me hope and I didnt do anything stupid for a week, then moment of weakness (her sister told me she was spending a lot of time online playing and talking about some guy but that he thought he didnt seem interested in her) So worm of curiousity ate me and I asked her if she was into someone or in love, ended up her getting very angry how her love life is none of my business but she is not, and she is emotionally dead, but she is open for guys... or some **** like that. Again, a week later I broke down thought I should just fly back home and show up and say I'm back I will take care of our son, I called a friend there and talked to him he said he didnt know anything she doesnt want to talk about me etc... In the end I calmed down and didnt go, next day I spoke to her over phone where she told me she was still angry at me because of me asking if she was involved... Then I said that her sister told me this and that and I wanted to see if that would explain the current situation, said sorry if that got u mad can u not make any conclusions out of it we had a such a nice time when u picked our son up etc, then she got angry and said you cant DO SOMETHINg and then ask all the time to undo it, cant get clean slate every time, anyway somehow I thought i smoothened it out ... she said just be normal and I will forget it... Few days later I saw my son over skype, I was friendly she was very cold, saying dont be friendly to me ask me about my things etc just be normal... Saw my son briefly. Later I saw she was online and asked if she was still at her mothers to see my son again, she responded no she wasnt and I should not talk to her anymore but her mother. Which ticked me of and I said I have a child with you not her, her reply was I cant help u now he's at my mothers at the moment talk to her. Ended up trying to talk to her again, didnt go well she got mad and said all kind of things how I should get it in my head we're finished, what do I need, for her to go out and **** first random guy and tape it for me to get it? I said I didnt buy her crap and I know she loves me still. Anyways, I go offline dissapointed.... Next day I try again......................... I apologize for everything, she tries to tell me that I still dont understand her,I dont respect her and her decision and that I havent changed at all, and that I should just move on and how she is 100% sure that she wants to be solo now and not in a relationship and how she is having too much fun now and she doenst know what future brings but this is how she feels 100% atm. I said u realize I didnt understand that I was doing something wrong becase I was hurting I lost my whole life before my eyes, my wife, time with my son, our future and our home. She said she felt bad for me but thats how it was. I made peace with that and just said ok, I will respect you. Before that I sent her email saying how I cant live with myself with the guilt ... without knowing she'd give our family another chance etc, a long email. Havent heard anything about that. Anyways.... a week after I ended contact with her she sms me saying she found day care for our son. I replied ok mail me the bill I ll take care of it, anything else? she said well yea some money would be nice, i replied what for? Then she called me yelling saying she made a bet with her girlfriend i would act like this? i tried to be calm and say dont yell at me and say things like these, i want to know if its for our son and what is it for i want to be involved, she replied its for him and me for food I have been eating crap for past week I dont have money coming till few days etc. I said sure I'll send you money, this was friday. Monday 3 pm she calls me raging why dont I ever listen to her she said she needed money and i make her chase and beg me for it and she had enough of that, I replied it was friday evening posts were closed and weekend the same closed. I was gonna do it today at 4 pm I was busy till now. She asked to send her fixed amount every month we agreed upon that, and how I can go back talking to her mother from there.. She kept ranting how I never listen and ... I forgot now, something about how I never do things she asks me to and how she doesnt have winter shoes now because I didnt move the box from cellar to attic and they rot now, etc. I tried to reason with her tell her to calm down and explan that it was weekend all was closed, she didnt want to hear it. Anyways I was out in the city to take care of it I called her said I m on my way etc. Called her she said she's busy. I txtd her the info and called again. She said she's busy again (no ty no nothing). I called again she said she has a guest over and that she doesnt have the nerves for me now, I wanted to tell her how she cant act like this, may have mentioned something about her lifestyle and her behaviour towards me.... She cut me of saying guest is over can we do this another time and how I was embarassing her. We hanged up. I got weak again and called her asking if she is seeing someone, she said no she is not .... and how she doesnt have time for this can we do this when her friend wasnt over. I said when are u free? she said 1 hour, i said call me once ure done. She hasnt called. Last contact was yesterday I wanted to see my son but her mother didnt reply to me, so I txted her asking about it, meanwhile mother replied said she was working I can see my son now, I saw him, later she replied sorry I didnt see the text omw to university. I said no problem the worry is of my chest and thanks for the reply. This was the last contact I had with her.... Help me... I do realize I have to change for myself but I also feel tremendous amount of guilt for thinking I have pushed her this far, I keep being hit by wall of rejection as well. I know most of you will think there's OM, but I really dont think there is one, perhaps I am wrong but I want to get her back, I just dont know what to do anymore.
Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Posted October 20, 2011 Sorry for the spam posts, I know I have no excuse for my behaviour, its just very hard to accept this situation, I am conflicted, I know I should just try to cut her out of my mind and move on in my head... but on the other hand I cant give up hope... From the way she talks to me it really seems she is iron resolute at the moment and I thought even if I moved back and rented my own place it wouldnt do much good other than accomodate her, (ofcourse I would spend time with my son) but I would also put any healing process of myself or starting from scratch here on hold.
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