what do i do....?

[acagedcanary]

If it were up to me, I'd write a million page essay, because then I'd feel like I was accurately getting out both people's views and opinions.....but its not. So I am going to brief you on my relationship, and bring up key notes.

 

I'm 20. I was around 19 when my boyfriend (he's 24) and I started dating. Now I am neither deaf nor dumb, I understand we're both young. But we're BOTH young - it creates an equal playing field and many issues are still valid. We originally started dating casually, and we had met online (a dating website). Neither of us were looking for a relationship. We both didn't want one.

Well we dated "casually" and saw each other 3-4 times a week for about 2 months. I realized he didn't really want to be serious, and it was okay because neither did I. The only thing he'd ask that pertained to us was whether or not I was seeing anyone else, because we don't use protection and he was being cautious. That I understand.

Well after about 2 months of casually dating him, I met someone else. I was having family problems and needed to get out of the house, so I flew out to see them. Mostly because I had other friends near where this guy lived, and had planned on going out there anyway at some point. I told my current boyfriend (the one I was casually dating for 2 months) that I was leaving soon. He told me horror stores like what if the guy kidnaps me or what if he does'nt do the things he said he'd do for me, etc etc. I thought it was stupid at first but he actually managed to get me worried - so worried I almost missed my flight the next day.

But I went. And then about 2 weeks into being gone, I wake up to missed phone calls, text messages, facebook messages, voicemails, you name it. All from him. He was like...confessing his love for me I think. I thought it was sweet...not anything more. Until I realized I missed him too. I had liked him a lot, but I'm used to guys not being reliable or whatever, and I was pretty fiercly independent.

 

Anyway, I came back home from visiting that guy because things didn't work out and I had to start some school courses. A week or two into me being back, my boyfriend asked me out. Like, to be exclusive. I was super excited, and said yes! I really really wanted a future with him and I though I am such a big dreamer, I have never dreamed bigger.

And things were GREAT. One little snafu was 4-5 months into dating, because I needed to move somewhere ASAP because I literally had a psychopathic roommate who went through my stuff and would hold my things ransom until I gave him some random amount of money he INSISTED I owed him for no reason at all....it was pretty bad.

Well, my boyfriend wouldn't let me move in with him. He has a 3 bedroom house, and one roommate. The other room is as big as my current apartment, and completely empty except for a bike pump in the corner. Its a very nice house too, he does well for himself.

I mean trust me, after 5 months I wouldn't want to live with someone either, but for a love as fiercly professed as ours was, it made my head spin that he just said "no". I was going to have to move across country and live with my family, or be homeless.

Well thanks to an awesome roommate I have now, I did find somewhere to live. With no help from him.

 

Now he's moving into ANOTHER house, and once again I was not asked, considered, or even allowed to ask about the new house. He's blown our plans off to take his friends to see it, and every time I ask he's got a new excuse why he doesn't feel like driving 5 minutes. But FINE. I do not care. He doesn't HAVE to live with me.

 

Then we had a pregnancy scare. For two months. He refused to get a pregnancy test, and I was practicing wishful thinking waiting for my period. He told me I had to get rid of it, he wouldn't stay with me if I didn't, it would ruin his life forever, etc etc. I was so upset I don't even think I cried. Every time I think about it, my guts tighten together and my breath gets funny.

 

And now he doesn't want to have sex with me for fear of getting me pregnant...again. But he refuses to use condoms. I react very poorly to birth control, and I have a habit of forgetting to take it. So I don't see the point since it wouldn't be a reliable form of protection in our case.

 

I spend every night at his house. If I don't call him, he will always call me by at least 11:30pm. We have an amazing time together ....or at least we used to.

 

I just can't get him to care. He just doesn't care. We have never had an arguement because every time I say anything SLIGHTLY negative to him, he cuts me off. He will walk out the room. Put his hand over my mouth. Tell me to shut up. Or ignore me completely. I've been upset to the point of needing professional help one night, and he told me he had had a few beers and didn't feel like dealing with it. And if I was going to bother him, not to come over.

 

 

Now, the insensitivity is ridiculous. But some people are just insensitive by default.

 

 

 

 

 

So, here's how I need advice.

 

 

 

 

I KNOW that he doesn't HAVE to move in with me. I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to take on my problems as his own (empathy, sympathy, whatever.). I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to want to have kids with me. I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to want to go out to dinners, or plan events.

 

But....shouldn't he want to??

 

 

I just don't understand how I am supposed to revolve my whole LIFE around someone who doesn't pick up my calls just because he doesn't "feel" like it.

 

I tried to make more friends, do other things, not text him, not expect to see him every night, etc etc.

But....what the **** is the point?

If he makes it clear by bluntly stating he wants NO COMMITMENT to me, how come I am expected to drop everything for him?

 

 

I am not sure if I'm in the wrong or he is....but he's started going through my phone. I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING anymore. The only things he lets me do are drive 5 hours away to visit my grandma, and I know its only because he wants a whole weekend to himself, and I'm expected to go to work and them wait for him.

 

I don't mind waiting. But he abuses it. He tells me in the morning he will see me when he gets off work, so I ask what time he gets off work, and he says 5. I'll text him at 6, no response. I'll call him at 7, forwarded to voicemail. I'll text him at 8, no response. I give up and try to go to sleep, and when he calls and I don't answer he proceeds to text me, call me, leave me voicemails, and do all of that on repeat over again.

 

 

I am just confused. He says he loves me. He says he doesn't want to break up with me. He bought me two kittens, and awesome birthday presents.

 

 

It just sucks because EVERY time I say ANYTHING NEGATIVE, like "why didn't you answer my calls earlier? i thought you wanted to hangout when you got out of work. i don't care if you're busy but don't tell me a certain time then." I almost always get met with this, if anything at all, "i NEVER gave you a time. i NEVER said i'd call you right when I got out of work. i was out with my friends, am i not allowed to go out with my friends?"

And i'm just like...."this had nothing to do with your friends...i don't care what you do but can you at least text me when you're going to blow me off or something?"

 

 

 

I rarely see him before 10pm. When he has days off, he pre-plans things with everybody else but me. He won't take photos with me, he won't let me make him dinner, he won't take me out to dinner, and when i try to take him out and pay so he has no excuses, he will just blow me off or be too late and all the restaurants are closed.

 

 

 

My heart is just killing me. This is why I didn't like relationships. You give yourself to someone and they steal you.

[SingleinSouth]

 

Well after about 2 months of casually dating him, I met someone else. I was having family problems and needed to get out of the house,

 

what if the guy kidnaps me or what if he does'nt do the things he said he'd do for me, etc etc.

 

I was pretty fiercly independent.

 

Anyway, I came back home from visiting that guy because things didn't work out and I had to start some school courses.

 

It doesn't sound AT ALL like you are independent. It sounds like you wanted the new guy to "do things for you he said he would do" and then when he wouldn't, you came back home in hopes that the old boyfriend would do things for you and let you move in or you would be homeless.

 

 

I needed to move somewhere ASAP

 

money he INSISTED I owed him for no reason at all....it was pretty bad.

 

 

Well, my boyfriend wouldn't let me move in with him.

 

I mean trust me, after 5 months I wouldn't want to live with someone either, but for a love as fiercly professed as ours was, it made my head spin that he just said "no". I was going to have to move across country and live with my family, or be homeless.

 

 

Well thanks to an awesome roommate I have now, I did find somewhere to live. With no help from him.

 

Now he's moving into ANOTHER house, and once again I was not asked, considered, or even allowed to ask about the new house.

 

Wow, how old are you? I know life is tough sometimes and especially for someone really young in this economy, but NO ONE owes you a free ride/lunch/room and board. We all have to take some responsibility for ourselves and that includes you. You do not and never did have a good relationship with this guy so that's not a reason to move in with him after 5 months. Just a few months prior, you were ready to move in with some other guy you had never met IRL!

 

Then we had a pregnancy scare. For two months. He refused to get a pregnancy test, and I was practicing wishful thinking waiting for my period.

 

I am quite sure it was a pregnancy scare for him. I'm pretty sure you are trying to trap him in many ways.

 

 

And now he doesn't want to have sex with me for fear of getting me pregnant...again.

 

Good for him but he sure needs to wear condoms so apparently, he has not learned his lesson.

 

 

I just can't get him to care. He just doesn't care.

 

Nope. You sure cant. None of us can.

 

 

I've been upset to the point of needing professional help

 

Again, this is your responsibility.

 

 

Now, the insensitivity is ridiculous. But some people are just insensitive by default.

 

Yes it is and yes they are. You do seem pretty insensitive and it IS ridiculous.

 

I KNOW that he doesn't HAVE to move in with me. I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to take on my problems as his own (empathy, sympathy, whatever.). I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to want to have kids with me. I KNOW he doesn't HAVE to want to go out to dinners, or plan events.

 

But....shouldn't he want to??

 

No. All signs are pointing to him being used by you. The thing is, he still wants you to be there everynight. Why are you still doing that?

 

 

 

 

If he makes it clear by bluntly stating he wants NO COMMITMENT to me, how come I am expected to drop everything for him?

 

He can expect anything he wants but it doesn't mean you have to do it.

 

 

 

 

 

My heart is just killing me. This is why I didn't like relationships. You give yourself to someone and they steal you.

 

This is not a healthy relationship at all. Your approach to relationships is not healthy. Do you have a plan for how to support yourself so that you can change the way you view relationships- as in a desire instead of a need for starters? I think you really want to be independent and with all the energy you seem to put into pursuing dependency, you could actually use that energy to become truly independent. Why don't we talk about how that can happen instead of this empty "relationship" or the previous one or the next one?

Edited October 18, 2011 by SingleinSouth

[acagedcanary]

I make more money than he does. I have two stable jobs with full benefits at each. I didn't meet the other guy off the internet. I did not trap him. I had an abortion.

I was living in a house with a roommate, and the roommate was crazy. I'd pay rent and utilities WEEKS ahead of time, and he would take things like my professional camera worth 1 grand+, and my laptop, etc. I never even slept at that house. I spend every night at my boyfriends.

[SingleinSouth]

Ok, here's a better plan. If you enroll in a 4 year college, it is possible for you to receive complete tuition and living expenses paid each year. Choose a major that will allow you to earn a decent rate of pay (and find a job) when you graduate. Study hard, be modest when choosing an apartment. With $5500 a year in pell grants, need based aid, merit based aid and some low interest federal student loans that are not payable until 6 months after graduation, you can be a nurse, an engineer, an accountant or any other high demand field of study. You can even get free counseling on campus.

 

Doesn't that sound like a much better lifestyle?

[acagedcanary]

Well I'm in college now, except I presently go to a community college. I went away for school for my freshman year, but it just wasn't for me. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. I can't afford ANYTHING making less than 800 a month.

[SingleinSouth]

I make more money than he does. I have two stable jobs with full benefits at each. I didn't meet the other guy off the internet. I did not trap him. I had an abortion.

I was living in a house with a roommate, and the roommate was crazy. I'd pay rent and utilities WEEKS ahead of time, and he would take things like my professional camera worth 1 grand+, and my laptop, etc. I never even slept at that house. I spend every night at my boyfriends.

 

 

If you have two jobs and make good money, why were you about to be homeless? Why have a roommate? If you can afford your own place with no psycho roommates, go ahead and get your own place and since you have benefits, go to some counseling. There's no reason to keep this bf in your life but also no reason to immediately replace him with another. If I were you, I would so much just want to come home to my own place and rest up for your few hours of sleep you must get per night in order to hop to your next job when you wake up. As soon as you have your own place and take some time to work on your approach to relationships, it sounds like you won't have any issues with a nice guy finding you and life won't be so crazy.

[acagedcanary]

besides i already have a blossoming career. he's got 3 felonies and can't even get a regular job besides the dead end one he's stuck at.

[acagedcanary]

I guess. What ever happened to all the hopeless romantics? He's a pretty over logical guy, so maybe you're right, being over logical might be the only way to get through to him. "You're boring. We don't have sex anymore. I can do fine without you".

 

I just don't want to give up. If everybody thought like how people suggest crap online, the world would suck. You can't just give up on people and love, and move on.

[SingleinSouth]

Well I'm in college now, except I presently go to a community college. I went away for school for my freshman year, but it just wasn't for me. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. I can't afford ANYTHING making less than 800 a month.

 

 

IN state tuition anywhere in your state (if you have established residency) would be your best plan to finish your studies. You wouldn't even have to work if you don't want to. I am just finishing college (older student) and got $18,000k in aid for the year and tuition is only $8k. That leaves me the rest for living expenses. I even took some summer courses (since I lived on campus year round anyway) and got another $2k in aid for the summer. I haven't had to work as of yet and I'm almost done. I'll be an RN. You can do it!!!

[SingleinSouth]

Well I'm in college now, except I presently go to a community college. I went away for school for my freshman year, but it just wasn't for me. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. I can't afford ANYTHING making less than 800 a month.

 

 

You make less than $800 a month? How many hours are you working? Excuse me, but is this what you are considering a blossoming career? Clue me in, I'm lost.

[acagedcanary]

Yeah I know college is the easy way out...but its so non-productive. When I was in college I sat on my ass all day and was forced to argue with a lecture hall about what Plato "REALLY" meant. Now I make more money than anybody I know, bought a new car, got a new apartment, and can do whatever. Giving that all up to be a teenager and eat pizza all day is super lame. Besides I'm doing my courses online & at a community college right now anyway, and have earned 2 certifications in the past year from the local technical college.

[SingleinSouth]

He's a pretty over logical guy,

 

 

I just don't want to give up. If everybody thought like how people suggest crap online, the world would suck. You can't just give up on people and love, and move on.

 

Hold on....I'm lost again. He has two felonies, you make more than he does and you make $800/mo and he is a logical guy? Where's the logic? Where's the anything desirable?

 

C'mon ACC!

[acagedcanary]

No no, what I meant is that in the city I live in, you cannot live for less than 800 dollars. Food, Rent, Utilities, whatever else. The cheapest apartments are 700, and those are the ones in bum**** nowhere with roaches crawling out of the floorboards. My whole family works for the sheriffs office, I know which neighborhoods are bad. Plus I've lived here my whole life.

[acagedcanary]

omg if i made less than 800 dollars a month i couldn't even afford the computer i'm typing on or the internet i'm posting this too for christ's sake

[acagedcanary]

i'm a web developer, programmer, and graphic designer. also apparently database management lately.

[SingleinSouth]

When I was in college I sat on my ass all day and was forced to argue with a lecture hall about what Plato "REALLY" meant.

.... earned 2 certifications in the past year from the local technical college.

 

 

Philosophy is a pretty useless course but it is a necessary humanities elective to earn a degree then so be it. What certifications did you earn this past year? And yes, I "sit on my ass" plenty and study. In May, all that "sitting on my ass" to learn my profession as an RN will be paying off as I take care of the baby boomer generation for the next 20 years.

[SingleinSouth]

No no, what I meant is that in the city I live in, you cannot live for less than 800 dollars.

 

 

No kidding. I don't think a person can live anywhere in the USA for making $800/mo so glad to hear you aren't doing it.

[acagedcanary]

Oh dude not you...I was saying that's what I did. When you live on campus with 1,000 people who are all under the age of about 21, most activities consist of drinking, partying, eating pizza, and sharing a room with someone who might as well be a random off of craigslist.

[acagedcanary]

Anyway end of this conversation. This was not about college. This was about my insensitive boyfriend.

[SingleinSouth]

i'm a web developer, programmer, and graphic designer. also apparently database management lately.

 

 

Were your certifications in this area?

 

Well then, I gather that you are doing well, have a nice apartment, can support yourself and the only problem you have is trying to fix a relationship you have with a felon douchebag who only invites you over after 10pm. Pick up the phone, text him a break up message and in between both jobs with benefits (when you get time) go to counseling to figure out why you would stoop so low as to choose someone like this to date.

[SingleinSouth]

This was about my insensitive boyfriend.

 

A waste of energy trying to change him- can't be done. End of conversation.

[acagedcanary]

I think you may be right.

[acagedcanary]

My certifications are marketing certifications - small business marketing, business writing, and I'll probably get one in every software product I use, so it looks better and more professional on resumes then just asking them to trust me. (Like in Adobe Flash, Illustrator, well the whole Adobe suites)

[blueskyday]

Insensitivity is a fatal character defect. It's a deal-breaker.

 

You can't even talk with this guy. He dismisses you and refuses to communicate. Not cool. He is actually communicating to you a great amount of disrespect.

 

I understand what you are probably thinking about the house/living situation. It would signify some kind of a commitment on his part to you about a shared future.

 

Forget this guy. Focus on yourself and your goals. Find a guy who respects you and thinks like you. Probably a non-felon would be a good place to start.