justagirrl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hey Loveshack, So I've been dating this guy for about a month and a half now, and I'm really starting to like him a lot... I read a book recently called "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov, and I thought it was really helpful, but also a little deceiving. Last night, I was at work, very bored, and decided to text him. He asked what I was doing, and I explained I was at work...and he asked me if I wanted to come over and spend the night after I'm done. At first I told him I couldn't because I had plans to say bye to my friend who was leaving for school (I didn't want to make myself too available), but then I realized I really wanted to see him. He has been so busy with college football, we haven't seen each other in like 2 weeks. So I told him she was gonna be with her boyfriend tonight and that I could come over... =/ So, I spent the night. We didn't have sex (it's that time of the month)...but we had a really good time. We watched tv and cuddled until we fell asleep. He's very affectionate, sleeps very close to me and holds me...so I'm guessing that's a good thing? We haven't gone out anywhere yet, even though we've talked about it. Would it seem clingy if today, I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat or something? We haven't really had an "in depth" conversation yet, like about past relationships, or family stuff...I'm really interested in knowing more about him. How should I go about doing this, without coming off as clingy? I definitely can see myself having a relationship with this guy I really like him, but I don't want to ruin it
louise_23 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hey Loveshack, So I've been dating this guy for about a month and a half now, and I'm really starting to like him a lot... I read a book recently called "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov, and I thought it was really helpful, but also a little deceiving. Last night, I was at work, very bored, and decided to text him. He asked what I was doing, and I explained I was at work...and he asked me if I wanted to come over and spend the night after I'm done. At first I told him I couldn't because I had plans to say bye to my friend who was leaving for school (I didn't want to make myself too available), but then I realized I really wanted to see him. He has been so busy with college football, we haven't seen each other in like 2 weeks. So I told him she was gonna be with her boyfriend tonight and that I could come over... =/ So, I spent the night. We didn't have sex (it's that time of the month)...but we had a really good time. We watched tv and cuddled until we fell asleep. He's very affectionate, sleeps very close to me and holds me...so I'm guessing that's a good thing? We haven't gone out anywhere yet, even though we've talked about it. Would it seem clingy if today, I asked him if he wanted to go out to eat or something? We haven't really had an "in depth" conversation yet, like about past relationships, or family stuff...I'm really interested in knowing more about him. How should I go about doing this, without coming off as clingy? I definitely can see myself having a relationship with this guy I really like him, but I don't want to ruin it put down that stupid book and stop overthinking things.
Andy_K Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 You need to work on 'not being insecure' rather than trying to figure out what fake behaviour covers it up best.
BWLoca Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 It couldn't hurt to ask. It's been over a month; he either likes you or he doesn't.
TheSerendipityFactor Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 put down that stupid book and stop overthinking things. I agree - just do what you want.. If being yourself is "too clingy" then it would never work out. Just go for it and do what you want!
blueskyday Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 You haven't been anywhere (out) yet? Then I wouldn't say you are dating. Dates need to happen. Hanging out at each other's places (and eventually having sex) makes it a sex only thing. In the beginning there should be going out to do things. Don't spend the night until you are ready to take things to the next sexual level. The easiest way to wait on that is to also avoid hanging out late night at each other's houses. Again, wait until you have established yourself as a couple by going out on some dates. In my experience, a guy should be willing to "court" you. It doesn't have to be expensive, but he should show some effort into getting to know you and going out. Hikes, going to movies, parks, fairs, events, etc... Guys who want to hang out at home from the beginning are usually just in it for the sex. Hanging out at home is fun, but should come after some dates. While out on these "dates," get to know each other. Talk about what each of you is looking for. When it is appropriate, tell him that you only have sex with monogamy (if that's true.) Tell him you want to get to know him first. Then you won't have the awkward morning after conversation of, "Um, exactly what did last night mean?" and then hoping for the best. Good luck. Have fun. Get to know him. I actually like that book. It's about respecting yourself, but it does come from what a secure woman LOOKS and ACTS like. It's kind of hard to do it backwards by appearances only unless you are also working on the inside attitude. So, make him treat you well. Treat him well, too. The only thing I don't like about the book is that it doesn't talk about sharing who you are and how you feel. I would add that it's a good idea to be honest, in real time about what you want and expect, and like and don't like.
Imajerk17 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) You obviously didn't listen to ANY of the advice you were given the other day, did you. You're still just a booty call. Edited October 18, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author justagirrl Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 I did listen...it was just tough. He wanted to hangout and I tried making myself busy, but I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and really missed him. I wanna talk to him about what I want, or what he wants, but I don't want to ruin things. In the book "Why Men Love Bitches" it was saying to make it clear that you are the one that doesn't want a relationship right now, and that will keep him on his toes and make him want to pursue you because it bothers him that he's not satisfying you enough to make you want a relationship with him (if that makes any sense at all)...I feel like that would just push someone away or give them the impression they should see other people, even though you don't want that at all. That's where I was confused. And last night, I was going to casually bring it up, starting by talking about family and seeing where it went from there...just casual questions, but I got nervous and didn't know when the right time to do that would be. I guess what I'm trying to find out is.....is it to early into seeing each other to talk about that type of thing? A friend of mine is in a relationship and they became official after only 2 months of dating each other.... =/
Eddie Edirol Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 The problem with that book is that if your guy only wants you for a casual relationship, he wont care if you make yourself unavailable, he will embrace it and use it to his advantage. So if you dont get any clue by now that he likes you enough for a serious relationship, chances are that he doesnt. If he isnt finding ways to take you out and show you a good time, I dont think hes into you that much. So ask him about going out to a restaurant soon or something like that. If he never comes through on it, then you know where you stand.
thatone Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I did listen...it was just tough. He wanted to hangout and I tried making myself busy, but I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and really missed him. I wanna talk to him about what I want, or what he wants, but I don't want to ruin things. In the book "Why Men Love Bitches" it was saying to make it clear that you are the one that doesn't want a relationship right now, and that will keep him on his toes and make him want to pursue you because it bothers him that he's not satisfying you enough to make you want a relationship with him (if that makes any sense at all)...I feel like that would just push someone away or give them the impression they should see other people, even though you don't want that at all. That's where I was confused. And last night, I was going to casually bring it up, starting by talking about family and seeing where it went from there...just casual questions, but I got nervous and didn't know when the right time to do that would be. I guess what I'm trying to find out is.....is it to early into seeing each other to talk about that type of thing? A friend of mine is in a relationship and they became official after only 2 months of dating each other.... =/ the book is bullsh*t.
Author justagirrl Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Thanks Eddie... I just feel like it's so different coming from the woman asking. And I'm sure a lot of women can agree with me that we seldom bring up "going out" and that it's just expected for the guy to do that. Something like, Hey, do you want to grab a bite to eat with me tomorrow? or should I just simply ask if he's doing anything tomorrow? That way if he says he has a lot going on... maybe I won't even have to say it.
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) If you've been dating for 1.5 months now, it shouldn't be awkward for the woman to ask to go out and something as easy as getting a bite to eat! It's awkward because you know he's not gone past just hanging at his home since the time you guys have met. You're afraid you're going to come off as pushy or needy. Hence you get a gist of the terms of this "R". A man should be courting you and wanting to spend time with you outside of his home or bedroom. If all he's invested in you is a movie, dinner and a glass of wine at home, you have your answer. If you want to ask him to grab a meal, just ask. After all, if you are dating, why is that such a difficult request? There shouldn't be any worries about how to ask, when to ask, how will I come off if I ask. And if he is busy, he will be more than happy to reschedule and set a date. Edited October 19, 2011 by geegirl
Eddie Edirol Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Thanks Eddie... I just feel like it's so different coming from the woman asking. And I'm sure a lot of women can agree with me that we seldom bring up "going out" and that it's just expected for the guy to do that. Something like, Hey, do you want to grab a bite to eat with me tomorrow? or should I just simply ask if he's doing anything tomorrow? That way if he says he has a lot going on... maybe I won't even have to say it. No you cant ask him like that, because if you make it sound like its no big deal, thats how he'll treat it, and he will most likely say no. So tell him you want to go to a nice place with him. Make a big deal out of it. Tell him you really want to go with him to (insert fancy restaurant or outing here) because you like the food and you want to show him a good time, and make a specific day and time. It should be more fun for him if he doesnt have to do any work or thinking. So if he hems and haws, or makes an excuse, then you know whats up.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Assuming that this is the same guy from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302498/ ...the answer is simple. You don't need to find out his intentions; they're in plain view. All you've done is cuddle/make out/hang out/have sex. You go days/weeks without hearing from him and even longer without seeing him. You haven't gone out together even once in 2 months of being in contact. I'm sorry, but you are not "dating." You are hanging out and hooking up. And I would bet money that that is as far as he wants to take it. EDIT: I should also mention that canceling plans with a friend to hang out with a guy (ESPECIALLY on last minute notice and ESPECIALLY when the guy isn't even taking you out!!!!) is a serious no-no...not only is it hurtful to your friendship, it also sets a precedent that you are willing to bend to his every whim. Edited October 19, 2011 by kiss_andmakeup
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