lance.dark Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I recently started dating a "friend" of mine. We've been seeing each other for the past week and a half. I thought things were going well. She and I went on a hike, we held hands and kissed. Each of our four dates have been very long (8+ hours). I spent the night at her place last Friday and she spent the night at mine on Sunday. I found out recently that she made out a little bit with her ex last Wednesday (after we had been on two dates). She'd been sexually assaulted a few years ago, something triggered it last week and she called the ex since he knew more about the incident than I did. She told me that she'd called him and they talked for a while but not that they hooked up. I was completely ok with it - I trust (or did trust) her. I'm more concerned with the fact that she didn't seem remorseful in any way. Now I'm pretty upset. Am I justified in being so? Should I just end it now? I really want to.
laotzu Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 That's really not cool, yeah. I mean it was only two dates with you, but you have to wonder about her attachment to her ex. Can you bring it up to her without sounding like a stalker? I.E., how did you find out that she made out with her ex?
Author lance.dark Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Well, it isn't so much that I'm sure... It's more that a bunch of things kind of point to that. And I trust my intuition. She was wearing a scarf on a pretty warm day on Friday, she was overly concerned with whether or not she was in the wrong (she asked one of her roommates if she was doing something immoral), she brings this guy's name up way too often for me to be comfortable, I thought I saw a mark on her neck not from me on Friday but I couldn't be sure. I've been shaking some stuff off when normally I would have stopped dating her because she has never actually gone on a date before with someone so I'm not sure she understands what's not ok - i.e. bringing up exes. However, I also would assume that if she were not interested in them, they wouldn't come up.
maysj18 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Well, it isn't so much that I'm sure... It's more that a bunch of things kind of point to that. And I trust my intuition. She was wearing a scarf on a pretty warm day on Friday, she was overly concerned with whether or not she was in the wrong (she asked one of her roommates if she was doing something immoral), she brings this guy's name up way too often for me to be comfortable, I thought I saw a mark on her neck not from me on Friday but I couldn't be sure. I've been shaking some stuff off when normally I would have stopped dating her because she has never actually gone on a date before with someone so I'm not sure she understands what's not ok - i.e. bringing up exes. However, I also would assume that if she were not interested in them, they wouldn't come up. If she was sexually assaulted, dating her is going to be different than anyone else. Obviously this is not her fault, but she's always going to be either extremely vulnerable or shut off. This flightyness you're seeing may continue, too. You have a right to be upset, but you can't hold it against her as you would any other girl. Once she's comfortable around you, things may change.
Author lance.dark Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Thanks maysj. Your post feels like a better reaction. Especially since her opening up and telling me the details of the assault seems to be her way of not having to go back to her ex next time.
norajane Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I've been shaking some stuff off when normally I would have stopped dating her because she has never actually gone on a date before with someone so I'm not sure she understands what's not ok - i.e. bringing up exes. How can she have an ex if she's never been on a date? I think you are overreacting. You seem insecure and are looking for signs of something to stress out about. You do not KNOW that she made out with her ex, yet you started this post off by saying that she did. YOU are creating a problem that does not exist.
Author lance.dark Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 Turns out I was correct. She triggered, was on anti-anxiety drugs, and hooked up with that guy. She told me this last night. I had confronted her with my suspicions soon after I had them, and she got somewhat angry and told me there was nothing to worry about. I'm far less angry that it happened (due to the fact that we weren't "exclusive" at the time and the fact that the circumstances are kind of strange) than that she lied to my face. I honestly didn't think she could do that. How mad should I be? Should I just end it?
Author lance.dark Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I forgot to mention that she did not ask for forgiveness, but she did apologize. It kind of came across as though she just wanted me to end it, saying "don't you think you deserve better than this?" I told her that I thought she was saying these things simply because she was too afraid to end it herself to which she replied she wasn't a coward and that had nothing to do with it. Hmmm.
orangelady Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 I forgot to mention that she did not ask for forgiveness, but she did apologize. It kind of came across as though she just wanted me to end it, saying "don't you think you deserve better than this?" I told her that I thought she was saying these things simply because she was too afraid to end it herself to which she replied she wasn't a coward and that had nothing to do with it. Hmmm. You've just started to date and there are so many red flags about this girl. If I were you, I'd take a break from this. And it depends on how much you like this girl. How long have you known her? What did you like about her? If its just 'Oh she's kinda nice..' reasoning, I'd just take things slow. You'd be surprise how time and distance improve things.
dasein Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Get gone. When they say things like "don't you think you deserve better than this?" it means 1) they aren't really interested in you, and 2) they have lots of baggage and issues. Neither good. Anxiety medication? Don't even hang around long enough to let the door hit you in the ass. Just get moving to next. And next time, don't waste so much time on long dates with women you don't know well. Make the first 5 or so dates short, fun, light, inexpensive and flirty. Make dates on weeknights until you are sure a woman is worth your weekend time. Spend the extra time cultivating other options so you never have all your eggs in one crazy basket like this again. You will avoid lots of chaff like this one proceeding in this manner, trust me, and for men today, it's all about filtering through silos full of antidepressant, anxiety ridden, disordered chaff to get to the wheat. This girl ain't wheat. Good luck going forward. 1
Author lance.dark Posted November 2, 2011 Author Posted November 2, 2011 I like her a lot... Although admittedly significantly less now. I did know her well. We lived in a room group together all last year (at college) and were pretty good friends. Now I'm not sure that she's even friend material.
dasein Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 Sorry to be blunt, but that you like her alot is all the more reason to be gone. Man I wish I could pull a tape of some of my experiences with these types over the years out to share with you. Pictures are worth a thousand words. I liked ALL of them. I made excuses for their batty, drama-laden ways, tried to be "understanding" about their abusive pasts, etc. Guess what? half or more are LYING about the past abuse, it's a broken record combination victim fantasy and pity seeking mechanism. I know this from a) having several of them admit it (they are constantly swimming in guilt and self revulsion), and b) being asked point blank about it by family, "whatever she told you about blabla abuse, it didn't happen, Uncle Joe/grandpa fred/doctor pete/cousin todd never did anything like that, she just made it all up." How do you know the liars from the true victims of abuse? The liars will tell you right off the bat or close to it about all the hideous things perpetrated against them. violently abusive exes on the first date, daddy rape on the second, crossing every adult boundary to do it and gain your sympathy. What true victim of abuse would tell any but her closest friends for years and year about it? None! Would you go telling relative strangers or non lifelong friends about such? Not likely. Lots of it is a con, plain and simple. And it is perpetrated on a mass social level. We have been conditioned to take anything women say about abuse gravely and seriously. BS. Half are on antidepressants, anti anxiety, eating disorders, all symptoms of living in a complete fantasyland, yet that abuse allegation? Oh that's set in stone, must be true, women don't lie about that no matter how nutty. Sorry to go off so emphatically, but you seem like a thoughtful guy and your posts ring so familiar with this girl and some of my past experiences... when it was early and I could have gotten out and away, that I want to hammer the point home to you. If they are on antidepressants, in therapy, anxiety meds, past eating disorder, get gone last week before they do you real damage. Let them be some other guy's problem.
Author lance.dark Posted April 11, 2014 Author Posted April 11, 2014 Dasein...Wow. I just stumbled upon this again (looking over my threads randomly since I haven't been here in a while). TOTALLY should have listened. It's over two years later. Let me update you so you can feel vindicated and have a huge "told you so moment". haha. Anyways. I let it slide. We proceeded to be on and off for about 3 months; every two weeks about she would say "we can't do this anymore". Then things went super well for about a month. Then she temporarily moved for 9 months and we were going to end things but neither of us could. Things went well for about a week or two of distance and then she became distant, I told her things weren't working, she called crying, back together...then another two weeks or so and she says we should only talk one day of the week so she can focus on being away...a few months later we break up...then she asks me to visit so I do. Then we break up about a week after I get back. Then two months later she texts me asking if I will ever care about her again and calls crying...get back together...she comes back, we go on a date and she's acting weird, she tells me she wants to be friends...the next day she calls and says she can't do this... on and on. FINALLY last Spring I said I had enough. It was hard on both of us but I FINALLY did it. Even typing that...just wow I was freaking nuts. What an idiot. So I bow to your wisdom; it could have saved me a lot of energy. Sorry to be blunt, but that you like her alot is all the more reason to be gone. Man I wish I could pull a tape of some of my experiences with these types over the years out to share with you. Pictures are worth a thousand words. I liked ALL of them. I made excuses for their batty, drama-laden ways, tried to be "understanding" about their abusive pasts, etc. Guess what? half or more are LYING about the past abuse, it's a broken record combination victim fantasy and pity seeking mechanism. I know this from a) having several of them admit it (they are constantly swimming in guilt and self revulsion), and b) being asked point blank about it by family, "whatever she told you about blabla abuse, it didn't happen, Uncle Joe/grandpa fred/doctor pete/cousin todd never did anything like that, she just made it all up." How do you know the liars from the true victims of abuse? The liars will tell you right off the bat or close to it about all the hideous things perpetrated against them. violently abusive exes on the first date, daddy rape on the second, crossing every adult boundary to do it and gain your sympathy. What true victim of abuse would tell any but her closest friends for years and year about it? None! Would you go telling relative strangers or non lifelong friends about such? Not likely. Lots of it is a con, plain and simple. And it is perpetrated on a mass social level. We have been conditioned to take anything women say about abuse gravely and seriously. BS. Half are on antidepressants, anti anxiety, eating disorders, all symptoms of living in a complete fantasyland, yet that abuse allegation? Oh that's set in stone, must be true, women don't lie about that no matter how nutty. Sorry to go off so emphatically, but you seem like a thoughtful guy and your posts ring so familiar with this girl and some of my past experiences... when it was early and I could have gotten out and away, that I want to hammer the point home to you. If they are on antidepressants, in therapy, anxiety meds, past eating disorder, get gone last week before they do you real damage. Let them be some other guy's problem. 1
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