oldwestern1022 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) I was lead to this website when I typed in "checked out of my marriage" in Google, and read some interesting threads. Some of them were by men and seemed to be missing something in addressing the issue of a "walkaway wife" and the 'other man'. I wanted to post my situation to get some feedback and also explain why the wives always seem to find another person... My husband and I have been together for four years (married for 1 1/2). I am 29 and he is 27 and we have a 9 month old daughter. Without going through out relationship blow by blow, I can sum it up by saying that our problems boil down to communication, intimacy, and respect. Without bringing up past hurts, the problems we have today are as follow: I am finishing my masters and staying at home with our daughter-despite his agreeing to this plan, he makes comments that lead me to believe he is resentful ("why don't you go get a part time job?" "well, if you were working..."), this makes me feel guilty and worthless. He sleeps on the couch most of the time, despite my attempts for the past year and a half to get him to sleep in the bed. He usually only talks about his work, the projects we are doing (house remodeling, etc.) and nothing else really seems to interest him. He always does odd jobs that keep him away from the house (mowing lawns, etc) and when i say i'd rather have him home, makes comments like those above about money. And finally, when we try to have conversations it turns into me talking and him saying "what do you want me to do?". I don't mean to make him sound horrible. He is a genuinly good person and I think mostly has good intentions, but it always seems something makes me angry. I know I bear alot of the responsiblity, and I have alot of resentment-which is why I feel like I'm checked out. I've asked him to go to counseling or talk to a priest (we're Catholic) but he won't. So...where do you go from here? I still love him and want to make it work, and he has made improvements, but what if they aren't enough? I'm so scared that I am going to fall into the same trap-because honestly, if another man came along and showed genuine interest in me, made me feel sexy and wanted and appreciated and thought I was interesting...I would probably have a hard time resisiting. I think alot of the other women the men on this board were talking about felt the same way. When your husband thinks he is providing and that's enough, it's not. Someone said that they had told their ex that they would have lived in a cave with him and been happy had they had intimacy-that's what I"ve told my husband. Of course it's hard to carry over the intricacies of a relationship in one post, but any comments would be helpful. How do you create intimacy, respect, and trust that is lacking before you check out?? Edited October 18, 2011 by oldwestern1022
robf1971 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 ("why don't you go get a part time job?" "well, if you were working..."), this makes me feel guilty and worthless. ? So why don't you go and get a part time job? I run a business and quiet happily do at least 50% of housekeeping, childcare, cooking etc. My wife is a full time student and also has a part time job and if she didn't yes I would be quite resentful.
Author oldwestern1022 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 A few reasons...I am taking a full courseload of graduate classes and will be student teaching in the Spring (which means I will be working full time in about 3 months). Also, I had a part-time job, but guess what, you have to find a babysitter when you have a kid and you have to pay that babysitter. What good will me working and taking on that stress and not getting my homework done when the money I make only covers what we have to pay a babsitter? That is why we decided I should quit working in the first place. Also, my husband isn't exactly being frugal with our money either. He buys things we cannot afford and has never, despite my begging him, sat down with me and decided on a budget. He never cleans and makes plans to help other people out (ie. the lawn mowing, helping people move, etc) that leave me with our daugher all the time and then spends that money on home improvements that we couldn't afford to begin with. Up until last weekend he worked 6 days a week (8-530) and (6-6)...so exactly when am I supposed to work? I'm not angry, I'm just saying, I feel like we've thought of that and for whatever reason it just doesn't work.
Majkl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Dont fall into the trap of another man, you will never be able to live with yourself, since from what you wrote I can see you care. You have to tell your husband that you are unhappy and that you are afraid you might stop loving him. He must realize that u need him on your side, my wife left me for the same reasons and I cant stop feeling guilty about it. Think that us men dont really get it untill its over and then its too late, we pushed our women too far... where u break and say I cant take this anymore. You need to TALK to him, and not TALK in the usual way because we dont hear that, you need to tell him you are afraid for your marriage because you are feeling neglected. Communicate, go to MC, if none of that works take ur daughter away for 2 weeks and tell him you need time to sort yourself out. He needs to understand that he's hurting you or he will go on as I have. Best of luck
buckeye Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 As someone who may have pushed my ex w too far, although it does take two, I would suggest keep the lines of communication open. Don't go to bed angry at each other. Don't sleep in separate rooms. Remember why you fell in love with each other. Forgive each other. Don't hold grudges. Try to see each others point of view. In other words, love. Perhaps, if both my ex w & I had done these things, we would still be together. Best of Luck to you both.
Meatballsmom Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 ow1022 To be blunt, the future with this man does not look all that good. Sleeping on the couch, shying away from intimacy, finding odd jobs to keep him away from the house and put a few bucks in his pocket, his spending habits, these are all his choice, in other words this is the way he is and probably will not change. The next time he asks, "What do you want me to do?" Tell him you want him to quit sleeping on the couch and avoiding intimacy, you want him to start coming home and paying attention to you and your child, etc. Then give him some time to make changes, don't nag, if he does he does, he it don't, start the separation process so that you will be free of him when the OM starts coming around You only have one life, live it to the fullest with one you can share it with
Author oldwestern1022 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Thanks to all of you who replied (except the man who thought me not having a part-time job was the biggest problem!) I wanted to say that I have tried talking to him and he has made some progess, but as meatballsmom said, he probably isn't going to change. That is what makes me so sad about it. He isn't a bad person, he doens't NOT love me-he just looks as things totally different from me and doesn't know how to take the intiative to make changes. As I said, I've been honest with him about my feelings several times, and asked him to go to counseling, but he said he wouldn't do it. It's like he does something really nice (such as flowers for my birthday and a wonderful card) but then the next day he gets upset when I ask when I should be ready to go somewhere (he was mowing and I had 3 kids to get ready). Also, indicative of our physical intimacy, I tried to cuddle with him last night and after about 5 minutes of my head on his chest he moved his arm, stretched it and then rolled over. I said "oh, are you done cuddling then?" and he said it wasn't comfortable. I think, and I think I'm correct, that we just might not be compatable. I want someone who wants to be with me, and can inititate closeness. I'm almost to the point of just not caring. Thanks for your responses, keep them coming. I appreciate hearing all of your stories and opinions.
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