Out of anger and stressI said I needed time off and she changed.

[Headbanger]

Hi LS,

 

I Wrote this in one sitting..so please bare with me.. Have a cup of coffee and hope I can get some feedback. Love you all!

 

I stumbled onto this website and it really cheered me up. Because my problem was unique in a way but found out there were people who are in a similar problem. I'd really appreciate it if you guys can give me some advice on what I am going through right now. Here goes.

 

I was in a loveless marriage at first which ended up in a divorce. After a while when I got over my divorce, I was introduced to this girl 2 and half years go. We hit it off very well. It was a long distance relationship during the first year. She used to live in Africa and I worked and lived in Europe. She used to talk on the phone like 5 to 6 times a day. She's the one who used to call me... She spent alot of airtime on me. I on the other hand used to call her like twice or thrice a week.

If I didn't call her she would call me and tell me to come on skype "even if it's 5 minutes so she could just see me."

She writes me very long emails telling me how much she loves me and we'll be together no matter what! I am the love of her life and she would be by my side always. I always replied with short and brief. I never did like that I came to realize...

She got a scholarship and moved approximately 40 minutes away from where I live. I visit her once in a while.

She calls me like 10 times a day and we'd talk but I was laid back. In other words, I would not pick up most of the time. I'd see the missed calls and call her after a day or two just to hear how she's doing. She'd be casual about it but sometimes in the middle of the conversation, she would ask me, "You love me, right?" and I would asked her why she'd ask me such a question. She the kind of person who would not show me how she really feels. Sometimes she'd ask me "from a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love me. I'd reply 11...just to make her happy and that's how I really felt. She'd repeat these questions over and over again. She bought me stuff, comes to my place and cleans the house without me telling her, cooks for me and we'd hang out for a while. I'd take her back home. She calls me to always check up on me.

One day, the questions increased and she would ask me if I am serious. It went on for like 4 months. She called me when I came home from work stressed out. She sounded pissed that I never took her seriously... I didn't realize it coz I was wallowing in my own problems.

I told her I needed sometime off.... I don't know why I said that but it just came out. She hang up on immediately and I didn't care she did. After 5 minutes she called me back and said was sorry she hang up on me. I started lecturing her on never to hang up on me coz that's rude and immature. It's better to solve problems like adults, rather than hanging up on someone. She was very distraught coz I could hear from her tone. She said she didn't know what to do when I said that so she hang up. She said she could utter a word coz her throat felt like it was swollen and that everything started to cave in. She said, if you tell a girl you need sometime off, it means the relationship is over. I shrugged it off and told her we'd talk later.

 

I travelled to see my family. They're living in the neighboring country like 3 hours away. I stayed their for a week. during this time, she tried contacting me. I was oblivious of what she was going through. I never checked my email and I left my phone back home. Two days left, I checked my mail and facebook. There were tonnes of emails begging me to call her. She inboxed me on facebook and said she never knew she was this weak. I replied to her on facebook (in a formal way) and told her I was coming on Sunday and we could talk then.

I came back and went to her place. She told me she cried all week till her face swell. I told her I was deeply sorry and it was not because of her my me. I apologized and all went well, I thought!

Four days later I noticed she hasn't called me one bit. I called her to see how she was doing. Her tone changed, she talks to me like I am her boss. She doesn't ask me if she loves me anymore... conversation that used to last for an hour or two now last for like 10 minutes. She always rapped up the conversation with I love you and now...nothing...just bye and take care.

I started t ask myself what's was wrong. I'd call her and ask her if there's something wrong. She would just tell me everything's fine. Now, I call her 100% of the time... I keep on asking her if I've done something. She'd say, I can't still get over you telling me you needed sometime... .

Late August, I went to visit my family and stayed there for 3 weeks. I didn't pass her. And she lives on the road to my family's place. She texted me told me to say hi to the family..

While I was there, I'd call her she wouldn't pick up... She'd answer after I called like 10 times...late during the night...she'd say she left the phone at her place... this would go on for like a week..

I called her and told her if she'd come on skype so that would could catch up. She agreed. I waited infront of my comp for like 15 minutes. I called her back and she said she was doing laundry. She agreed and she came. I asked her why she kept me waiting... If you were doing laundry we could talk some other time, I said... she just wrote, "If you wanna go you can go... I am not stopping you." I asked, why she was talking to me like that. She said, "How am I talking to you... ? I said, "rudely." She shrugged it off.. After a while of trying to figure out what was wrong. She dropped a bomb shell. She said she needed sometime off....and logged off.

 

I tried contacting her again but in vein. she blocked me on her phone... I sent a few text messages and she wouldn't reply...

For like 2 days I couldn't sleep or eat. I packed my bags and drove to her place....3 hours away... My mom just looked at me and said, "go get her!" I never told her about her and she just read me face coz I was stressed out... on my way I called her cousin and told her if she knew anything about her and how she was doing... I told her I was on my way to her place... ( I have a spare key btw). When I arrived, unfortunately it's an apartment and the main door downstairs closes at 10pm. I went outside and through pebbles so that she could see me and open. She never did. I went home devastated. Didn't sleep. woke up 10am and drove off to her place. Went in her place and it looked like someone was in a hurry. I texted her and told her that I was at her place and was not leaving until we talked things out. She texted back and said, she knew I was coming and she left yesterday while I was coming. She said leave the keys and to never ever contact me again.

I left. She called that evening. She said, stop contacting my cousin and my love for you just went up in smoke. I don't have any feelings for you anymore... I pleaded with her but it fell on deaf ears...

I tried texting and calling but it was all ignored..

She called me after 4 days of not contacting her and ask me how I was doing. I just told her the truth... heartbroken...give me another chance etc..she said to move on and there's nothing I could do to change it...

I called her after a day or two and she said, "it seems you're having a good time. I asked why do you think am having a good time. She said, you're facebook pictures says it all. That was after she blocked me from facebook...

I then receive private missed calls. i never did receive private miss calls. 8 missed unknown calls. 7 of them were at 11.00 am - 12.00pm... I quickly answered one and her noises of people chattering. I realized it's her coz she at lunch break at those times. and 1 missed call at 1.26 in the morning...

She called my sister and told her she still has feelings for me but she's moving on...

She called me again and asked how I was doing. I told her I am doing fine. She started telling me that, she's getting a driver's license and that she bought a new phone. She asked me, "remember me telling you want career I wanted?" I told her no.. she said "You don't know and I told you alot of times. My teachers even know and you don't, I told you I wanted to work as a social worker but now I want to work for the UN or an NGO."

I don't know why she's telling all this...I told her I was in a hurry somewhere and that was it...

 

That's pretty much that last call she made. I never called her back after that.

 

I don't know what to do right now.... Any help would be much appreciated... Thanks guys!

[Headbanger]

It seems I've written a very long post and realized I've made a few mistakes at that.

 

In a nutshell...

 

-She loved me very much... couldn't stand a day without talking to me.

-I took her for granted coz I sometimes ignored her calls.

-told her I needed sometime off and she didn't take it very well. I didn't mean to say those words coz I was a bit stressed out.

-after that she changed and never called me again.

-tried reaching her several times but never got an answer.

-she called me and told me she doesnt love me anymore and never call her again.

-I pleaded with her but it got worse everytime.

-She called me after 5 days of NC. told me she called to just know how I was doing.

-She goes through my facebook and calls me through a private number but hangs up everytime I try to answer.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[ChelseaLS]

It seems I've written a very long post and realized I've made a few mistakes at that.

 

In a nutshell...

 

-She loved me very much... couldn't stand a day without talking to me.

-I took her for granted coz I sometimes ignored her calls.

-told her I needed sometime off and she didn't take it very well. I didn't mean to say those words coz I was a bit stressed out.

-after that she changed and never called me again.

-tried reaching her several times but never got an answer.

-she called me and told me she doesnt love me anymore and never call her again.

-I pleaded with her but it got worse everytime.

-She called me after 5 days of NC. told me she called to just know how I was doing.

-She goes through my facebook and calls me through a private number but hangs up everytime I try to answer.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

I am afraid I don't have any advice. However my guy told me 13 days ago "lets take a break". And I am so very hopeful he regrets it like you do and makes that effort. It came out of nowhere and is crazy hurtful. I am moving out for 6 months and then we will re-evaluate then. I know things happen in the heat of the moment, but acting like you didnt care is crap.

I am however, sorry you are going through this pain, and I do wish you the best and a second chance with you lady.

[Headbanger]

I am afraid I don't have any advice. However my guy told me 13 days ago "lets take a break". And I am so very hopeful he regrets it like you do and makes that effort. It came out of nowhere and is crazy hurtful. I am moving out for 6 months and then we will re-evaluate then. I know things happen in the heat of the moment, but acting like you didnt care is crap.

I am however, sorry you are going through this pain, and I do wish you the best and a second chance with you lady.

 

Thanks ChelseaLS. My advice to you would be first and foremost to see if it's worth pursuing him. If yes, ask yourself why he may want sometime off. Is there something he didn't like or something you said. Maybe the problem might him. Most probably it's the latter. The best thing you might try to do right now is just give him want he wanted and remain quiet for a while. He might realize that what he did was wrong.

I think what she's trying to do is make me go through that she did. She's now confident that she's me wrapped around her finger.

I've gone NC for 8 days now. I've never gone this long without trying to call her. Planning on going NC for a month.

 

Hope it works. Otherwise I'll just have to give up and move on.

[ken_25]

Well I just read through your post and the first impression I got was you didn't treat her the same as she did you, she became insecure because of it and got tired of your behavior. Are you sure you truly loved this girl? Are you sure you truly want her back? By what I read it doesn't sound like you really loved her and wanted her. She asks you the scale question, 1-10 how much you love her, you say 11 because "just to make her happy and that's how I really felt". You shouldn't of wrote I just wanted to make her happy if that's how you truly felt ya know? Maybe I'm wrong.

 

I think it's possible to win her heart and be able to keep her long term, but what I think is needed to do that, I don't think is in you. I don't think you care enough. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, really I'm looking out for you. Do not push to get back with her if deep down you don't feel strongly for her and want her love. You would be better off finding someone you're more into. It seems like she feels she deserved more out of you, and was putting forth much more effort. So you ended up losing her. If you don't truly love this girl and don't feel you can put 100% towards the relationship, let her go, stay NC and move on.

[joseph17]

I think you didn't treat her right and she got tired of it. You really blew it when she asked you "do you remember the career I wanted" and you couldn't even answer her. What kinda **** is that bro? Apparently you didn't care or you would have remember the small stuff about her especially what she wants to choose as a career. How did you expect this to last? That just shows you didn't give her the attention she needed. If she takes you back you are lucky but it will never be the same even if she does. I would move on if I were you and remember this with the next girl you choose to be with