Would you color your hair darker if you knew your bf's preference are brunettes?

October 19, 2011

Ruby, have you ever spent a portion of your life without the synthetic beauty aides?

It may take walking that path to believe it, but men really do appreciate natural beauty. I never wore makeup, or dyed my hair (and sometimes didn't even shave ) in my 20s, and I got plenty of attention from men of all stripes (professors, doctors, artists, hippies and non).

I agree that men can't tell true natural beauty from aided "natural" beauty--but that's the point. They can't tell the difference. They think the freshly scrubbed girl next door looks JUST as beautiful as the aided "natural" beauty in the media.

I would echo your experience. I mean, I've gone out without dyed hair, heels, beauty products, makeup etc tons in my life and been approached by men (strangers), called beautiful by BFs, etc. I tend to get more approaches in a ponytail, jeans, and no makeup than I do when all dolled up.

October 19, 2011

A relationship without a crush on personality would be a superficial relationship. Attraction will in that case fade once looks fade. I've heard multiple women dismiss this already, grave mistake ladies.

For me personally it is a requirement. No crush on my personality = no game. I'm going to be old and wrinkly one day and I then still want to be in love and loved.

I didn't say personality isn't a requirement. It is. But so is physical attraction. You MUST have BOTH, IMO.

October 19, 2011

All it takes is one appointment with the hairdresser to go from dark to light. Just one appointment.

If you want to FRY your hair, sure. Lifting the color that much that quickly is a recipe for disaster, especially for already-bleached out hair.

I once went auburn, and it took 6 months to get my hair back to blonde, several appointments. If I did it any faster, my hair would have felt like straw.

October 19, 2011

I didn't say personality isn't a requirement. It is. But so is physical attraction. You MUST have BOTH, IMO.

ES's BF never said he had no physical attraction to her, did he? He just said it wasn't extreme instantaneously.

October 19, 2011

I would echo your experience. I mean, I've gone out without dyed hair, heels, beauty products, makeup etc tons in my life and been approached by men (strangers), called beautiful by BFs, etc. I tend to get more approaches in a ponytail, jeans, and no makeup than I do when all dolled up.

Many men don't find it easy to approach "extremely hot" women and just assume these women are out of their league. My experience is similar --- I get approached regardless of whether I'm "dolled up" or I'm in sweats and I've just woken up and have left out to get a cup of tea or coffee ... but I'm actually approached more when I appear similar to the latter --- without make-up and dressed casually.

In the past, men who I've thought weren't attracted to me (usually ones I met while "dolled up") later confessed that they were intimidated by me initially and didn't think I'd ever give them a chance, but have since fallen in love and *need* to risk rejection now ---

While I've been under the impression things were completely platonic I'm not so naive anymore... but nonetheless...

it doesn't mean men necessarily prefer "natural" beauty --- it could mean they find it "safer". I don't know if you've observed how men will eat you with their eyes when you're "dolled up" or send little winks and smiles etc, but there is obvious interest... it's just more subtle (IME).

Also, Nexus ---

That men are easily deceived and tend to believe what they want (and are often desperate to justify fantasy as reality, I'm sure for varying reasons)...

A little more personally, that using celebrities as an example of a type is indicative of being at least partially entrenched in such a world --- we touched on this in another thread briefly but, eh, I feel like it's futile it get into (which is why I only quoted some of Ruby's text and left the other part out... I did agree with it, I'm just not sure if it's beneficial for either of us to revisit it LoL... though I guess I ended up risking it anyway ).

Edited October 19, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

October 19, 2011

If you want to FRY your hair, sure. Lifting the color that much that quickly is a recipe for disaster, especially for already-bleached out hair.

I once went auburn, and it took 6 months to get my hair back to blonde, several appointments. If I did it any faster, my hair would have felt like straw.

I don't think one appointment with a stronger bleach is any worse for your hair than several appointments with a milder bleach. I think if you have a good hairdresser and use plenty of conditioner, it should be fine. My hair did not suffer any noticeable ill effects from the drastic change. Once it's changed, you don't keep rebleaching it, so it's not like it has to suffer cumulative effects. You only get the roots touched up once a month, that's all.

October 19, 2011

You're pretty sure they're true, and so am I.

Maybe I'm not a strong enough person, but I'd never be able to get over that, and his love for my personality just wouldn't matter. It would make me insecure, and I'd also know that he's capable of hitting below the belt during an argument.

Agreed! Him saying it during an argument actually makes it even worse for me. He was saying it specifically & deliberately to hurt her. He obviously knows she's insecure, and during an argument he exploited that. I think that's bordering on cruel. I know people will say "oh they were fighting, he didn't mean it" but being angry/in a fight doesn't excuse verbal diahrea. As an adult, he should be able to keep a filter even when he's emotional. I'm just appalled that somebody would say something like that to their partner who they supposedly love.

I find this whole thing kind of strange anyway. Are people really walking around looking for their "physical ideal?" I mean I guess if I stopped and actually cared to come up with some sort of "physical ideal," my husband might fall short somewhere. But....who does that?? Most of us find somebody we're attracted to, both inside and out, and who we click with, and go from there. Why would the vague, unrealistic concept of a "physical ideal" even come up in a mutually loving, healthy relationship?

October 19, 2011

Many men don't find it easy to approach "extremely hot" women and just assume these women are out of their league. My experience is similar --- I get approached regardless of whether I'm "dolled up" or I'm in sweats and I've just woken up and have left out to get a cup of tea or coffee ... but I'm actually approached more when I appear similar to the latter --- without make-up and dressed casually.

In the past, men who I've thought weren't attracted to me (usually ones I met while "dolled up") later confessed that they were intimidated by me initially and didn't think I'd ever give them a chance, but have since fallen in love and *need* to risk rejection now ---

While I've been under the impression things were completely platonic I'm not so naive anymore... but nonetheless...

it doesn't mean men necessarily prefer "natural" beauty --- it could mean they find it "safer". I don't know if you've observed how men will eat you with their eyes when you're "dolled up" or send little winks and smiles etc, but there is obvious interest... it's just more subtle (IME).

That can be it, too. Though I know many many men who see girls who are generally (not on special occasions but as a rule) dolled up as incompatible --- not just scary --- and such, since they aren't guys who have similar styles/priorities.

I have a lot of male friends I hang out with at the pub, and they kind of think those dressy girly girls are just not the type for them. Context matters, of course----if you're dressy at a wedding, that's not something they'd be bummed out about and they might like the look. But a gal whose so worried about her appearance that she wears makeup to the gym, etc is unappealing to loads of my male friends.

At any rate, it's not been my experience that men gave two figs whether or not I wore makeup or whatnot, as long as I looked reasonably appropriate to the situation and had good hygiene. But that comes down to the guys I date and associate with, which are not fancy, shallow types themselves.

October 19, 2011

That can be it, too. Though I know many many men who see girls who are generally (not on special occasions but as a rule) dolled up as incompatible --- not just scary --- and such, since they aren't guys who have similar styles/priorities.

I have a lot of male friends I hang out with at the pub, and they kind of think those dressy girly girls are just not the type for them. Context matters, of course----if you're dressy at a wedding, that's not something they'd be bummed out about and they might like the look. But a gal whose so worried about her appearance that she wears makeup to the gym, etc is unappealing to loads of my male friends.

At any rate, it's not been my experience that men gave two figs whether or not I wore makeup or whatnot, as long as I looked reasonably appropriate to the situation and had good hygiene. But that comes down to the guys I date and associate with, which are not fancy, shallow types themselves.

It sounds like we run in similar groups

October 19, 2011

That can be it, too. Though I know many many men who see girls who are generally (not on special occasions but as a rule) dolled up as incompatible --- not just scary --- and such, since they aren't guys who have similar styles/priorities.

I have a lot of male friends I hang out with at the pub, and they kind of think those dressy girly girls are just not the type for them. Context matters, of course----if you're dressy at a wedding, that's not something they'd be bummed out about and they might like the look. But a gal whose so worried about her appearance that she wears makeup to the gym, etc is unappealing to loads of my male friends.

At any rate, it's not been my experience that men gave two figs whether or not I wore makeup or whatnot, as long as I looked reasonably appropriate to the situation and had good hygiene. But that comes down to the guys I date and associate with, which are not fancy, shallow types themselves.

Oh I do think people draw associations with people's appearances and will conclude someone's probable lifestyle and or values from them --- and from it, they will largely determine whether or not someone is likely or unlikely to align with theirs (as far as strangers go... people they have to interact with will either serve to reinforce these associations or stand as an exception to them etc).

Even if some men find the "made-up" women more visually pleasing --- some of them likely do attach meaning to it that devalues it. And for others it's not a part of their aesthetic definition.

(I'm even guilty of this at times lol... but it can be a very accurate indicator nonetheless, it isn't infallible).

I just meant to state that there are men who definitely prefer the "made-up" look but feel more secure with aiming for the "natural" one (and men can appreciate both as well).

I also think the kind of people one associates with is important, as you've mentioned...

October 19, 2011

Also, Nexus ---

That men are easily deceived and tend to believe what they want (and are often desperate to justify fantasy as reality, I'm sure for varying reasons)...

If I knew I was wrong I'd admit it, but neither the women in this thread nor I can provide complete proof, for that we'd have to ask Emma Stone herself or get a sample of her hair and have it examined in a lab.

For you to believe that I, or guys in general would be so retarded that we'd unjustly cling to something that's false is just plain ridiculous.

A little more personally, that using celebrities as an example of a type is indicative of being at least partially entrenched in such a world --- we touched on this in another thread briefly but, eh, I feel like it's futile it get into (which is why I only quoted some of Ruby's text and left the other part out... I did agree with it, I'm just not sure if it's beneficial for either of us to revisit it LoL... though I guess I ended up risking it anyway ).

I've already explained that in order to have people visualize who I mean I chose to post the photos instead of just a listing of the names.

Besides, if I did what Ruby suggested, i.e. listing properties of my types rather than showing photos, then I'd end up blandly listing all sorts of properties. And if you've seen the compilation I posted, then you know there's quite some variety of properties in there. Would listing all those properties make for an interesting post? No it would not. It'd be ridiculously boring. A picture says a thousand words.

That being said, of course I'm partially influenced by media, unless you lead an Amish existence you end up seeing things you know.

And Onyx, since I suspect I know what you're referring to, yes you risked it. All I can say is that you're wrong, partly because you don't know me, partly for other reasons.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Nexus One

October 19, 2011

It's the time honored method of fishing for compliments while simultaneously putting the "loved one" in the position of being the bad guy:

"Do these pants make my ass look big? Please, be honest."

"No, honey, you look beautiful in anything you wear."

"Really. Tell me the truth. Don't you think they kind of make me look like I have a little bit of saddle bags?"

"No, darling, nothing could make you look like you have saddle bags."

"Well, don't you think the black ones make me look a little bit more slim? Just a bit?"

"Well, I do think you look super hot in the black ones."

"I KNEW you thought I looked FAT. WHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!"

And he might never live it down.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I suspect the OP was the one who initiated the conversation about her boyfriend's preferences, and she probably wouldn't let it go until she got the answer she was expecting. If she stopped harping on it, he would stop talking about it. He probably never wanted to talk about it in the first place.

OP, listen. This guy is with you, and he's stayed with you throughout all of your insecure, jealous tantrums, and he treats you really well, so obviously he's being sincere about his feelings for you. Just because you don't look exactly like his previous girlfriends doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. This insecurity about your hair color is ridiculous, you need to let it go. And stop forcing him to say things that make you feel bad.

(By the way, dyeing your hair back to your natural color seems rather stupid. Just let the bleached hair grow out if you want to go back to your natural color. You already know what you look like with brown hair, you had it for most of your life.)

October 19, 2011

That being said, of course I'm partially influenced by media, unless you lead an Amish existence you end up seeing things you know.

Being totally straightforward here, you strike me as heavily influenced. When I saw your celeb wall-o-photos, I seriously was like WTF?! Then I kept seeing you post it, and it just seemed obsessive and unhealthy. The degree of scrutiny you give female celebs seems beyond normal to me. But for all I know, it's par for the course for men in your age range. I still think it's weird.

October 19, 2011

He admitted it because I digged and digged and digged. If I weren't so persistent, he would have never said anything. He evaded my questions at first and because he is not a liar - he ended up telling me what I didn't want to hear. As I said, many people in relationships don't tend to dig that deep and are perhaps afraid to or simply don't care.

He actually said that he doesn't care if I was bowled over by his looks at first sight. He never spends time dwelling on it or on my type, so he is not sure why I do. All he cares about is that I love him now.

He never said that he is not attracted to me. In fact, he calls me "beautiful" all the time. He always writes it into his texts. Last night when we made love he kept repeating "You are sooooo beautiful. I love you".

He just said: at first sight there are women he found more physically attractive than me in the past (after I pretty much backed him into a corner). The week that he met me, he got numbers from 3 other girls. He decided to ask only me out (he doesn't multi-date). He called me the next morning (after the night that we met).

He rejected quite a few girls in the past that were nice but he had no physical attraction for. So it's not like physical attraction is not important to him.

Bottom line is this: I do not think that a man that is not in love with me would be able to take 8 months of my behavior, dramas, fights etc etc. He is so emotionally invested now (love at first sight or not), that during every fight he cries and begs me not to leave him again. He truly makes an effort to change his behaviors that bother me. Ever since I moved in, he put his 100% into making life as easy for me as possible and I keep picking fights over this old attraction issue and what happened at the beginning.

It's time to either put this to rest or get out of the relationship.

October 19, 2011

Yeah, you need to get over it. You're going to have to deal with your insecurities at SOME point. Why not do it while you've got the support of a guy who loves you? This is all about your own insecurities, which only you can cure.

Is counseling a more affordable option now that you are cohabiting with him? I really think you could use it. If you work with a good therapist, it can transform your life. I know because it has done so for me. I'm not perfect, and I can improve in a lot of ways. But I've come a long way and am much more secure and confident than I used to be. It has improved ALL my relationships across the board for the better.

October 19, 2011

He admitted it because I digged and digged and digged. If I weren't so persistent, he would have never said anything. He evaded my questions at first and because he is not a liar - he ended up telling me what I didn't want to hear. As I said, many people in relationships don't tend to dig that deep and are perhaps afraid to or simply don't care.

THANK YOU for owning up to your part in this and moving away from depicting your boyfriend as a callous a-hole.

Personally, I don't think that is "digging deep." Actually, it's pretty shallow. Not that many really happy long term couples that I know got together initially due to mind-blowing physical attraction. I'm sure I know some that did, but truthfully, I can't think of one off hand.

It's time to either put this to rest or get out of the relationship.

Yeah, but it's on YOU. Can you accept his love the way he actually DOES love? Or only if it comes at you in a way that fulfills your (unrealistic, unhealthy) preconceived notions?

Can you understand that you are chipping away at the bond between you and your boyfriend by this type of activity on the Internet?

October 20, 2011

spend less time worrying about your hair color and more time focusing on dropping the weight and getting tight & toned.

October 20, 2011

Bottom line is this: I do not think that a man that is not in love with me would be able to take 8 months of my behavior, dramas, fights etc etc. He is so emotionally invested now (love at first sight or not), that during every fight he cries and begs me not to leave him again. He truly makes an effort to change his behaviors that bother me. Ever since I moved in, he put his 100% into making life as easy for me as possible and I keep picking fights over this old attraction issue and what happened at the beginning.

I can assure you that if you make it to 10 years together, you won't care about how he felt the first time he saw you.

But the way you are picking and causing drama....and the way he is bending so much to please you....these are patterns that could prevent you from building a strong relationship together.

You are focusing your energies in the wrong place. Focus on creating stability inside yourself first. You can not have stability in your relationships if your own self perception is unstable.

October 20, 2011

I just want to say that as patient as he is now every man has his breaking point and if you keep up the drama eventually he will get sick of it.

I bet he loves you just the way you are.

October 20, 2011

Are you a Wookiee? I just see hair.

Yes, I'm a Wookee I don't post pics of my face online (except for my business website).

I took that picture holding the camera right over my butt... from behind pointing up... hence the bizarre 'perspective'. There was a nice wind blowing, and the sky was beautiful that day.

... but back to the OP's question...

It sounds like he really does care for you.

People do need to be very careful about what they say in anger... especially when it is something the other person can't change.

If your hair is naturally brunette, I don't understand why you can't let it go back to your natural color.

Edited October 20, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

October 20, 2011

Do you take your eggs the way he likes his too?

Yeah.. unprotected

ES...

Until I met my wife I had always had blonde GF's.. My wife is a light-mid brunette..

If she wanted to bleach her hair so she could look like my ex-wife or any other women I had been I around I would absolutely flip..

I would wonder WTF is wrong with her that she thinks she isn't good enough the way she is...

So.. if you change your hair.. do it because you want darker hair.. not because he prefers darker haired women..

If you alter and change yourself to fit whatever he likes/is then you will have no idea who you are after a while.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Art_Critic

October 20, 2011

(By the way, dyeing your hair back to your natural color seems rather stupid. Just let the bleached hair grow out if you want to go back to your natural color. You already know what you look like with brown hair, you had it for most of your life.)

You can't just let it grow out; it'd look ridiculous! There'd be a line of demarcation for two hair colors, and you'd see inches of brown and inches of bleached. Super tacky!

He admitted it because I digged and digged and digged. If I weren't so persistent, he would have never said anything. He evaded my questions at first and because he is not a liar - he ended up telling me what I didn't want to hear. As I said, many people in relationships don't tend to dig that deep and are perhaps afraid to or simply don't care.

[snip]

Bottom line is this: I do not think that a man that is not in love with me would be able to take 8 months of my behavior, dramas, fights etc etc. He is so emotionally invested now (love at first sight or not), that during every fight he cries and begs me not to leave him again. He truly makes an effort to change his behaviors that bother me. Ever since I moved in, he put his 100% into making life as easy for me as possible and I keep picking fights over this old attraction issue and what happened at the beginning.

It's time to either put this to rest or get out of the relationship.

Good for you, ES. I agree with everything you said here, and good for you for admitting it was you that got him to say this.

October 20, 2011

I think you just hit onto a real piece of insight, ES.

I sincerely hope you don't lose it quickly.

October 20, 2011

He is so emotionally invested now (love at first sight or not), that during every fight he cries and begs me not to leave him again. He truly makes an effort to change his behaviors that bother me. Ever since I moved in, he put his 100% into making life as easy for me as possible...

Are you still making him cry and beg?

He's truly making an effort to change his behaviors that bother you, are YOU making an effort to change YOUR behaviors that bother him? Like harping on this issue?

He's putting 100% into making life as easy for you as possible... what are you doing for him?

October 20, 2011

Being totally straightforward here, you strike me as heavily influenced. When I saw your celeb wall-o-photos, I seriously was like WTF?! Then I kept seeing you post it, and it just seemed obsessive and unhealthy. The degree of scrutiny you give female celebs seems beyond normal to me. But for all I know, it's par for the course for men in your age range. I still think it's weird.

No it's not the preference for most men in my age range. It is a taste/preference of SOME men in my age range.

Multiple guys have actually PM'ed me regarding that photo compilation and they've had only positive things to say. You know how many women have expressed themselves positively about my taste? Just one. The rest reacted like you and Onyx.

Most women are used to guys who are into curvy girls, because those are the majority of guys. I.e. men who drool over women like Kim Kardashian and the like. I suspect some women are unsettled by that photo compilation, because most women are not used to men having a taste for women like that. While guys like me are not in the majority, they are not uncommon.

So here comes a guy who has a different preference, who likes slender women (like ballerinas), who looks at personality, who looks at intelligence, who looks for grace, for class and for elegance. But he's now the unhealthy one?

Are you f*cking kidding me? Play that game!

You know why I have this taste?

When I was in high school, I had a girl in my class that (and yes here comes a media reference) looked like Natalie Imbruglia. We liked each other. She was both in looks and personality exactly like her: http://bit.ly/r1JzxD .

SHE kickstarted my taste for certain types of women, she managed to make herself the archetype of my taste for certain women. Every girl/woman that I've liked since her was a derivative/tangent of her in one way or another. She was always happy, she was always positive, she was always optimistic, we were always joking and laughing together. Those happy memories of her got burnt into my memory. Whenever I see women with certain qualities she had, then that makes my heart beat faster.

My brain is wired like that, because in the essential part of my youth it was her who influenced me. I didn't know Natalie Imbruglia back then, it was even before she became famous, Natalie Imbruglia just looks like her and reminds me of her. The girl from my class came before her, she formed my preference at its root. For that, and for the happy moments we had I'm thankful. Because it was her that made me realize how happy a girl can make a guy. It was her who made me realize what a healthy relationship could look like.

And yeah I tend to look for women like that, because they make me feel happy. Life tends to be a joy for me around those type of women, because when I'm around such type of women I forget everything about the world, I forget even myself. I can get completely absorbed in them, it makes me that happy. They lift me to a higher level. They're able to create feelings within me I didn't even know were possible. They lift my spirits, they make my day. I feel uncontrollable joy within myself just seeing those type of women (in real life).

I've had the LUCK, that there was a girl in my life that could make me appreciate certain positive types of women. It was her who made me realize I wanted something meaningful.

Neither what you or Onyx are saying can change what I'm feeling, neither do any of you get to dictate what type of women I as a guy should aim for. If I ever marry and have kids, it will probably be with a woman that makes me feel like she did. It is wired into me through memories since I was 12.

Just because my taste is different from the majority, doesn't mean it's unhealthy or wrong.

I'm not a product of the media, I'm a product of my life experiences, and truth be told, media is also a part of that.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Nexus One

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