Ruby_shoes Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hi Everyone I'm newer here but I've been lurking and reading so I thought I'd post up my story. I have just ended an EMR four weeks ago. It started with a man I worked with, he was lovely. Married with two small children but unhappy at home, had had one night stands before me, he persued me for a long time. Months before anything ever happened. Although I was attracted to him I kept a distance for nearly a year. I have been with my partner ten years (since I was 17. Only serious R) but after many months of a lot of him chasing I really felt flattered. He must have seen something in me worth risking everything for and I fell hard. We kissed a few times and a drunken (failed) attempt at more once and I told him we couldn't do this any more, I told my partner everything. We agreed to be friends and spoke nearly every day for a year. I didn't know EMR existed! But I felt awful for having feelings and feeling unable to control them (such victim mentality). At last Christmas I told him I needed to get away, I knew the friendship was unhealthy. We spent six months apart, I thought of him every day. In the summer we ran into each other on a night out and bam, we started chatting once a week and my head started spinning again. He was flirty, charming, kind... I still liked him. It got to the point where my anxiety hit overtime, reading between the lines of his messages, hoping to hear from him, feeling guilty again. I told him about six weeks ago I couldn't ever be his friend and we shouldn't talk. He asked me to give him time to think, I saw him out (accidentaly - what a coincidence, neither of us drink in that pub) that night and he was drunk, and tried to be all over me, he cried, tried to kiss me. I yelled at him and went home. Monday he called to meet me and said he loved his W and was sorry for the flirting but he loved me too. Tuesday he called and said he was beside himself and wanted me more but he has young children (both in little school), Wednesday we spoke, Friday he called me drunk several times, Tuesday I spoke to him but he wasn't very responsive and after that I told him to stop bothering. He shouldn't be flirting or behaving that way if he's 'happy'. And actually, if he's happy, I don't need someone who behaves that way happy! But he told me such a rainbow effect of things, he's happy but he's not (when I pressed him he said 'things aren't 'bad'). He has since contacted me every week after I told him I wouldn't be speaking to him, I have kept replies to a minimum, basically just not completely ignoring him but saying very little, one word answers. He emailed me once, text me good luck the week after and the week after that I got a drunken phonecall at 3am which I ignored. I didn't hear the weekend just gone which is the first time since I told him to get lost. I do wonder about him constantly though. My partner and I are seeing a R counsellor which is going well but I am stuck with this guy in my head. I hope it fades. But I do wonder if he thinks of me, and what he thinks. And if I hear from him again, I want to believe what he said to me but you know, what someone does always speaks louder than words. I feel so shamefull because I thought I was in love and the guilt for feeling that whilst with someone else, trying to find the issues I had and what 'needs' were met by MM. I thought we were destined, just that we had met others first. Gee what a tool I was. And although a month in I am feeling better, my R and head is improving and I'm getting a grip on reality, still a part of me hopes it wasn't all lies. Hopefully that will go! And maybe one day I won't care. I do get sick of this hamster-brain that keeps running on it's thinking of MM wheel. But like any R, whether or not healthy it needs to be grieved I guess. It feels like I'm mad sometimes, but I will be strong and I will never contact him. As hard as it is to not seek that validation but I have to find out what he gave me and get it somewhere healthy! In the meantime big hugs to everyone coming to terms with an A, whatever side whoever is on. I thought my situation was different and special! I guess we all feel that way. And I don't think MM was even a bad guy, just really effed in the head! Ruby x
Ms. Red Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Welcome to LS. Take away the MM part and ask yourself, do you really want to be involved with a drunk? That can possibly bring you more drama than any EMR ever can. He seems to get sentimental when he drinks. Don't you want to hear from the sober brain how it feels? Besides, you're trying to work on your relationship with your SO. I say you put your whole heart into working on your relationship with your SO and forget about MM. Even if you can't get MM out of your brain, if you act like it long enough, it will start to be your reality.
alexandria35 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Oh he does sound like a lovely man! A married man with small children out getting drunk and having one night stands. What a sweetheart! A true prince charming. So he saw something special in you that made him willing to risk it all? Did he see that something special in all of his one night stands? Seriously! this is your idea of a lovely man? A drunken married father who sleeps around?
Author Ruby_shoes Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Welcome to LS. Take away the MM part and ask yourself, do you really want to be involved with a drunk? That can possibly bring you more drama than any EMR ever can. He seems to get sentimental when he drinks. Don't you want to hear from the sober brain how it feels? Besides, you're trying to work on your relationship with your SO. I say you put your whole heart into working on your relationship with your SO and forget about MM. Even if you can't get MM out of your brain, if you act like it long enough, it will start to be your reality. Thanks Ms Red. I am acting like it all the time, trying to learn from it all and piece things together. After a month it is getting there slowly and one day I hope I'll be in a place where I've learnt what I need to and can look back in peace. And this is a good time to work on me. It might always be something I wonder on occasionally but you live and you learn!
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