skinnyjess Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) My mm left his wife for me 12 mths ago and we are living together but I still find it hard to relax and not get jealous when he has contact with his x.They have 2 kids but he does not see them very much(thank god!)but he is still looking after them money wise while they sort out the settlement that is taking forever! I also don't feel comfortable around any of his friends he is 18 years older than me and his friends seem really old but he does not seem old.so we dont see them very often mostly we hang out with my friends.(i'm 30 he's 48) His family is also very against me Has anyone been in a similar situation and made a lasting relationship ?I would really like this to work we have great chemistry when we are not fighting because Im being silly and jealous Edited October 18, 2011 by skinnyjess
spice4life Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Why don't you want him to see his kids? He's a package deal and I'm sorry, but kids should always come first when they are young. What if the two of you have children and he ends up doing the same to you? Someting to think about. How would you feel? You should get into counceling if you really love this guy because the jealousy and being negative about his children will drive the two of you apart.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 My mm left his wife for me 12 mths ago and we are living together but I still find it hard to relax and not get jealous when he has contact with his x.They have 2 kids but he does not see them very much(thank god!)but he is still looking after them money wise while they sort out the settlement that is taking forever! I also don't feel comfortable around any of his friends he is 18 years older than me and his friends seem really old but he does not seem old.so we dont see them very often mostly we hang out with my friends.(i'm 30 he's 48) His family is also very against me Has anyone been in a similar situation and made a lasting relationship ?I would really like this to work we have great chemistry when we are not fighting because Im being silly and jealous Are you for real? Why are you thankful he doesn't see his kids that often? To me, that's just wrong, why wouldn't he want to spend as much time with his children? That's a huge red flag. That and the fact he "left his wife and kids" to be with you. I can see why you're insecure and jealous, but this is your life now. Either learn to trust him and stop fighting over silly things or end it. Sadly, this doesn't sound like a happy or thriving/growing relationship.
elizabeth26 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Really? He doesn't see his kids much "thank God", you are a really bad person ya know. Maybe it would be better for everyone if you were NOT together, if you are thinking of anyone but yourself.
Author skinnyjess Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Why don't you want him to see his kids? He's a package deal and I'm sorry, but kids should always come first when they are young. What if the two of you have children and he ends up doing the same to you? Someting to think about. How would you feel? You should get into counceling if you really love this guy because the jealousy and being negative about his children will drive the two of you apart. His kids don't like me not that I have met them.so they will not do things with us only him. also with his job hours and mine the time he can spend with his kids clashes with our time and anyway he does not seem bothered that he does not see them often. We have not talked about kids ourselves but he has had the "snip" so its not an issue at present
Author skinnyjess Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Really? He doesn't see his kids much "thank God", you are a really bad person ya know. Maybe it would be better for everyone if you were NOT together, if you are thinking of anyone but yourself. Hey its his choice how much an when he sees his kids! not mine
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 His kids don't like me not that I have met them.so they will not do things with us only him. also with his job hours and mine the time he can spend with his kids clashes with our time and anyway he does not seem bothered that he does not see them often. We have not talked about kids ourselves but he has had the "snip" so its not an issue at present His kids don't like you because he left them and their mom to be with you. He still needs to put his kids first. Sorry but one day he's going to regret not doing this and sadly he's going to resent you, blame you for putting a wedge between him and his kids. You should be ENCOURAGING him to spend time with them, not clutching him, holding him tight in fear you'll lose him. If you plan on being with him for the rest of your life, those kids ARE a part of his, forever and sooner or later you'll meet them and be their step mom. So, start tomorrow and back off, stop being jealous and allow him, encourage him to be with his kids. That's love, putting someone else first and trusting what you two share will be strong enough to go through rough times.
Author skinnyjess Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 I wonder if your jealousy over the ex is rational or not, what do you think? Not sure what you mean?He is still "nice" to the ex he is also friends with another ex g/f from like 20 years ago We have sizzling chemistry an he tells me Im his solemate an that he loves me all the time but I still feel insecure
Ms. Red Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 His kids don't like me not that I have met them.so they will not do things with us only him. also with his job hours and mine the time he can spend with his kids clashes with our time and anyway he does not seem bothered that he does not see them often. We have not talked about kids ourselves but he has had the "snip" so its not an issue at present Wow, he puts the time with you as a priority over time with his children? And he isn't bothered that he doesn't see them? That's pathetic. Real charmer you have there. So, he's left his wife for you. He barely sees his kids because of you. He spends less time with his friends because of you. He prolly sees less of his family because of you. Hmmmm let me see........I think you have valid reasons to be insecure! You have a lot of weight on your shoulders to carry around. That cannot be an easy thing to do. My advice, keep the insecurity to yourself. As long as you continue to be silly and jealous, it just makes you look very immature IMO. Carry yourself with your head up high and walk with confidence. You wanted him and you got him. Why can't you just enjoy it?
Gentlegirl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Not sure what you mean?He is still "nice" to the ex he is also friends with another ex g/f from like 20 years ago We have sizzling chemistry an he tells me Im his solemate an that he loves me all the time but I still feel insecure "solemate" ?????? A sole is the bottom of a shoe. I do hope that won't be you. Perhpa you mean soulmate? It's not easy getting into a blended family. His kids are a reality. He must love them and miss them. You know, if he loses them, he might place the blame on your lack of support . That could put very bad feelings between you for the rest of you relationship. He might end your relationship if he feels he is losing them. There are more ways of parenting than just giving out dollars. He has been with them since they were tiny babies. Good luck and good thinking, Gentlegirl.
skywriter Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 skinnyjess, Maybe your jealousy and insecurities stem from the way the relationship began. Knowing that hewas still married and possibly the fact that he does have children who require him to provide them with at least some of his attention occasionally. Also, with him being older than you, this may have something to do with why you are feeling insecure. If you could work on your relationship with his kids, when they are around, you may benefit from this in many ways.
Ms. Red Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Couldn't have said it better myself. The above post is my nomination.
bentnotbroken Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I will take issue with the "thank God". What are we thanking him for? The fact that a MM left his family for someone 18 years his junior(daddy issues:confused:)? Are we thanking him because this man has abandoned his relationship with his children and seems to be "okay" with it? Are we thanking him because you see nothing wrong with this person(man is too good of a word to waste)walking away from children that he brought into this world and owes them a father? Are we thanking him that this man is still paying for the children he fathered, even though the settlement is taking foorrreeevvveeerrr? Are we thanking him for the MM is still "nice" to his ex. WOW. So just exactly are we( better yet you) thanking God for?
Mimolicious Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 My mm left his wife for me 12 mths ago and we are living together but I still find it hard to relax and not get jealous when he has contact with his x.They have 2 kids but he does not see them very much(thank god!)but he is still looking after them money wise while they sort out the settlement that is taking forever! I also don't feel comfortable around any of his friends he is 18 years older than me and his friends seem really old but he does not seem old.so we dont see them very often mostly we hang out with my friends.(i'm 30 he's 48) His family is also very against me Has anyone been in a similar situation and made a lasting relationship ?I would really like this to work we have great chemistry when we are not fighting because Im being silly and jealous yep, THANK GOD that you got to free these kids and his exW from such a eloquent gentleman. Let me ask you, what exactly is it that you think you "got"? Seems like you have just created your personal hell. Those were all things that you should have considered before assisting in breaking a home for 2 children. In reality, what starts bad ends bad... Bridge is sooooooooo empty, yet only one person has moved out. LOL!
MissBee Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 My mm left his wife for me 12 mths ago and we are living together but I still find it hard to relax and not get jealous when he has contact with his x.They have 2 kids but he does not see them very much(thank god!)but he is still looking after them money wise while they sort out the settlement that is taking forever! I also don't feel comfortable around any of his friends he is 18 years older than me and his friends seem really old but he does not seem old.so we dont see them very often mostly we hang out with my friends.(i'm 30 he's 48) His family is also very against me Has anyone been in a similar situation and made a lasting relationship ?I would really like this to work we have great chemistry when we are not fighting because Im being silly and jealous No I have not....there seems to be a lot of things going against this relationship and sorry to say but "great chemistry" is really not the be-all-end-all in making a relationship working. Believe it or not, you can have great chemistry with someone and then everything else works against you for it to not work out. People too often confuse periphery things with the central, foundational relationship-sustaining things. Why are you jealous? Do you think he is going to leave you and go back to her or cheat on you with her? If so....then you should really think about whether or not you will ever get over that and ever trust him, as if not, it makes no sense. I'm really surprised that you have thanked God that he does not see his kids often....to be honest, you seem very selfish and immature, I was surprised at your age (although I have come to realize, age and maturity do not go hand in hand). Those whose MM leave and their relationships work out, seem to want them to see their kids and seem to do everything they can to make the transition smooth, they seem integrated with that person's friends and eventually family and have support....for you...you don't want him to see his kids, you don't like his friends, his family doesn't like you (and maybe for good reason, since you admitted yourself you don't want him to see his kids) and you're always jealous....I see that getting very old, very quickly. Do you plan on marrying him and having kids of your own?
MissBee Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) I will take issue with the "thank God". What are we thanking him for? The fact that a MM left his family for someone 18 years his junior(daddy issues:confused:)? Are we thanking him because this man has abandoned his relationship with his children and seems to be "okay" with it? Are we thanking him because you see nothing wrong with this person(man is too good of a word to waste)walking away from children that he brought into this world and owes them a father? Are we thanking him that this man is still paying for the children he fathered, even though the settlement is taking foorrreeevvveeerrr? Are we thanking him for the MM is still "nice" to his ex. WOW. So just exactly are we( better yet you) thanking God for? I'd like to know as well.... I just can't have tunnel vision. I think about EVERYTHING! Even if I am gonna be in an affair and try to turn it into a normal relationship, I want evidence to show that he really is a decent, sensible man who will do right by his former wife and family. After all, chances are if he treats them well, I can imagine that he will treat me well, our kids well and even if things don't work out, he won't run off and ignore me and our kids. How can someone not look at someone's current and prior actions in assessing their relationship-worthiness??? I'm sorry I find it to be very immature, almost teenaged, naive thinking to really believe one can live in a world with just you and your "lover", where what they do to other people, especially their own kids and their former wife they once loved, doesn't matter and all who do not like your relationship you cut them off and then isolate yourselves and it will be roses and sunshine..... It won't be. The best relationships are those that have the support of a community...where you have a good network individually and as a couple and where you support and encourage each other to be your best selves; where there is growth versus stagnation or stunting. You seem to just be pushing him more into foolishness and away from having his own life...and this relationship seems to be pushing you more into insecurity as you try to control everything (in futility), and to me, that is a HUGE problem and a huge reason to pause. You should probably get counseling as a couple..... Edited October 18, 2011 by MissBee
Minnie09 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Skinnyjess, The fact that he doesn't get to see his kids often should make you happy for only one reason: it tells you a LOT about his character, and it's still early enough to for you to run. You're not married yet, so think twice before you decide that he's the one. Still in touch with an ex of 20 years ago? Ask yourself why. They have no kids together, so what's the deal? What is he getting out of that? Ego-boost, intimacy, discussing your R issues,...? Red flag. Another one. Be careful. He's not the jackpot guy you think he is. He left his M and kids for you. He isn't there for his kids during those emotionally rough stages in their lives where their parents are going through a D. He's living with you before his D is even final. Come on. You see it, too, don't you?
stillafool Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 His kids don't like me not that I have met them.so they will not do things with us only him. Why haven't you met them? They are going to be part of your life, didn't you know that going in? also with his job hours and mine the time he can spend with his kids clashes with our time and anyway he does not seem bothered that he does not see them often. Are you for real? You don't want to share your time with him? He may not be bothered right now but trust me, they are his flesh and blood and he will miss them at them at some point. He may wonder why you never offered to have them over - Oh yeah, it clashes with your time. We have not talked about kids ourselves but he has had the "snip" so its not an issue at present. Thank God!
Author skinnyjess Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Skinnyjess, The fact that he doesn't get to see his kids often should make you happy for only one reason: it tells you a LOT about his character, and it's still early enough to for you to run. You're not married yet, so think twice before you decide that he's the one. Still in touch with an ex of 20 years ago? Ask yourself why. They have no kids together, so what's the deal? What is he getting out of that? Ego-boost, intimacy, discussing your R issues,...? Red flag. Another one. Be careful. He's not the jackpot guy you think he is. He left his M and kids for you. He isn't there for his kids during those emotionally rough stages in their lives where their parents are going through a D. He's living with you before his D is even final. Come on. You see it, too, don't you? He is a great guy kind, generous ,looks after me (my xH hit me) he has never hurt me. The ex g/f is his travel agent.We are going to Melbourne for 7 days to watch the cup(horse racing) so he only talks to her when he is planning to travel and she is married so no I don't think it is a red flag.It just bugs me LOL No I don't think he will go back to his ex she was not a social person (did not drink much)and gave him a hard time when he did. Thats how we met, Im bar manager an she let him go out with his mates heaps.
Ruby_shoes Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hmm... I agree with other posters. He should step up and be there for his children emotionally and as a father, this will be a tough time for them. Not to say if both parents can eventually be happy apart it can't work out well for the children, but they should be his main concern. Maybe counselling is a good idea, there needs to be discussion about how you feel and why he isn't meeting your needs now. There are many reasons people become unhappy in marriage but this isn't the childrens fault and they should not be punished as such. Besides, one day you will have an involvement in their lives, for this to work out once the dust settles your SO will need to see that he has made a choice for a better future for himself and his children are safe and welcome and their lives are enhanced too. My parents are divorced and it was fine for me and my siblings once used to it but if I felt either of my parents were neglecting me to meet their own needs at our expense, or worse the needs of another that they had put above us, that wouldn't be a good place to be. Abandonment issues, self-esteem, feeling unworthy. It would be heartache for parents to see children suffer this way. Being a father is about nurturing your children to face their adult lives as best eqipped as possible, making them feel safe. Children are born in love and symbolise that love, a bond with something that has come from part of you. Go to counselling and talk it through. People make mistakes, hearts can and do change, but children are innocent. If two people really want/are meant to be together no hurdle is too great.
26pointblue Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 His kids don't like me not that I have met them.so they will not do things with us only him. also with his job hours and mine the time he can spend with his kids clashes with our time and anyway he does not seem bothered that he does not see them often. We have not talked about kids ourselves but he has had the "snip" so its not an issue at present Are you really this selfish & shallow, or are you a troll? You made your own bed. No one can help you if you really have this attitude.
FelicityShot Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. You are either a troll, ridiculously immature, or heartless. I cannot believe people here are giving you the time of day. Some people are still fooled by a troll! Whoopee! If you are not a troll, then heaven help the man you are involved with and his kids.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Not sure what you mean?He is still "nice" to the ex he is also friends with another ex g/f from like 20 years ago We have sizzling chemistry an he tells me Im his solemate an that he loves me all the time but I still feel insecure If you base what you share with him just on feelings and chemistry, then your relationship is doomed to fail, especially since he has been shunned from most of his family and friends, let alone not wanting to spend time with his own flesh and blood. He's choosing this and you're allowing it!! Hello, enabler! You didn't comment back to me about what I said. How about ENCOURAGING him to spend time with his kids, let it be known that it IS important. If you two can't grow together as a couple and have a stronger bond/glue (other than sex and soulmate fantasy land stuff) again, you two won't last long.
thomasb Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I agree with you felicityshot. I find it incredible there could actually be someone out there who really believes this kind of drivel. And if it is real... May God bless and help those poor children! Especially if they ever are subjected to this poster. And if it is real I'm glad there is a responsable person in their little lives, their mother. Better than the sot they have as an excuse of a father.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I am hoping this poster is a troll and the thread is fake, but just in case by fluke it isn't, it's only fair to respond and try to knock some sense into her head. If she wants a real shot at this so called relationship, many changes and maturity has to happen.
Recommended Posts