BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Here is my backstory from my first thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299786/ I'm still keeping strict no contact. I guess at this point it's becoming somewhat easier, in practice. Although, I just feel like I've plateaued at moving on. I had a sense of relief at first and even felt inspired when the weight was lifted, but I've just felt so discouraged and depressed. Honestly, I still keep checking my phone and wishing his name would show up. I still have no idea if he called or texted when my phone was broken, which still bothers me. I just wish he would reach out to me. Especially since the last conversation over text message was a fight. I hate leaving it like that. I just don't feel right doing that. I know there were problems and things he did that hurt me, but I don't want to be a crappy person. And yes, I just want to hear from him and feel like he cares and notices I just disappeared off the face of the earth. The fact that I have not talked to him for this long and he hasn't even checked on me hurts a lot. I just don't know how to move past this? And sometimes I feel like this no contact is so stupid. Like everyone preaches it so much, but I don't feel better. He seems perfectly happy to keep ignoring me. God, I just want to feel normal for once- I'm not even asking for happy anymore- just content would be good enough for me! Why am I so stuck on this?
ChelseaLS Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Perhaps he is confused as to why HE hasn't heard from YOU. You said that you have never gone this long not talking... perhaps he thinks you don't want to hear from him. I wouldn't doubt that he is thinking about you and wondering where you went. I have done a TON of reading on relationships since my break up... 9 days ago. I've gone through 4 books and endless internet information (or lack there of good information). My ex and I are taking a break. I love him dearly and hope that we can revisit us in the near future (but you can't force things). I have decided to go against the norm, against what everyone else seems to be doing I am not doing the no contact thing. Instead I am keeping limited contact. I let him know that I still love him and care, but that I respect the decision made to take a break. I tell him that I think we both need time to work on ourselves if we plan to make this work (because you need to love yourself, before you can fully love someone else). I also tell him that if he ever wants to talk, I'll be around. I however made it clear that I plan to continue my life and that I may not available when it comes time to revisit. This way he knows I am serious. I felt like I could talk and talk and talk everyone's ear off that I know, but I never felt relieved or better. Once I told him those things I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. It would have been different if it was a cruel mean hurtful break up, but it wasn't and it sounds like yours wasn't. When it comes to helping me cope, I have decided to read, read, read (things that will better myself). I am going to go to therapy... nothing better then a strangers non-bias opinion or just am un-bias ear to listen. I have joined a spin class to get in shape and healthy (which will help with confidence). I am taking snowboarding lessons this winter. I am keeping busy but not ignoring my emotions. If you ignore them they just build up and then you either explode or become bitter. One day at a time.
lalalandman Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Because it's only been 21 days. Give yourself a few months of strict NC, while actively pursuing your own happiness and well being.
geegirl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 It's only 21 days B. The wound is still fresh and raw. It's more like months before you realize one day you "forgot" to think about him.
PegNosePete Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 actively pursuing your own happiness and well being. Yep that's the key. You need to take action to get on with your life. If you sit there all day staring at the phone and counting the days, hours and minutes of NC, then it won't help. When you stop counting the days, is when it gets better. And if you think NC is bad, how bad do you think being in contact would be? He would be opening up the wounds like new every single time he texted, called or talked. You can't heal if the wounds are being poked every 5 minutes. It would be 10x as bad, believe me.
sunshine103 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 ChelseaLS, reading your response is refreshing and I COMMEND you for doing what is best for you and not following what everyone here on loveshack are doing, NC. No one knows better what is good for yourself than YOU and I strongly believe it is better to end things on good terms than bad terms. Communication is key and who knows what the future might have in store for you guys. Why destroy any future relationship with your ex by being bitter, nasty, rude, disrespectful, etc... to each other. "Sometimes I feel like this no contact is so stupid. Like everyone preaches it so much" BLuv, overall I agree with you. People here think that is the cure for all broken hearts. It is not! I know people who has become mentally and physically ill because of listening to people saying do "NC." Really is it worth it? Why not try to reach out in a limited and cautious way? Sometimes a simple "hi" or "have a good day" goes far. Again, do what works best FOR YOU! There are situations where NC is the best way to go. But, to me, it is based on every individual relationship! If limited contact works for you and you can move on and live your life happily, then isn't that a better path to take? Don't burn bridges if you can avoid it!
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 This guy was stringing you along for quite some time! It's not a switch that you can turn on and off. But, I will say this...stay NC and then one day you'll wake up and he won't be the first thing on your mind. At that point, it's then that you start to heal. Plus, you have a ton of things to keep you busy...like booking your trip to Florida!
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 It's just that I've never gone this long without hearing from him and I hate leaving things on a bad note. I don't want him to think I'm mad at him forever. Then I don't want to contact him and break nc because I think if I had to start all over again I'd just be all discouraged again. I really thought he would text and say what's up and I could just tell him I was taking time to move on. It bothers me to leave it where I seem like such a b**** at the end because I was so angry.
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 It's just that I've never gone this long without hearing from him and I hate leaving things on a bad note. I don't want him to think I'm mad at him forever. Then I don't want to contact him and break nc because I think if I had to start all over again I'd just be all discouraged again. I really thought he would text and say what's up and I could just tell him I was taking time to move on. It bothers me to leave it where I seem like such a b**** at the end because I was so angry. Well, look at it this way. He hasn't texted or called or e-mailed. So, what should that tell you? That all he viewed you as was nothing more than a booty call. He hasn't called or anything because he probably hunted down his next " Friends with benefits" partner. You are much more than a booty call and you deserve a guy that will treat you with respect. A guy that will; not only respect you as a person, but will respect you as a woman and not as an object. Don't ever lose sight that you are a strong and independent woman that deserves better.
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Yeah, I think I deserve better than that. But plenty of it was my fault for letting it happen. I also don't like to burn bridges. He wasn't all bad. I know lately it wasn't good, but there was plenty of nice stuff he did and good times. I canr bring myself to just label him as a "bad guy".
LuckyCharms Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Be a little more compassionate towards yourself. I don't know if you meditate but it would be a good habit to get into. Sounds like your (negative) thoughts are going to town on you. You can only feel down by accepting negative words as truth, most of the time they come from our own head. I understand having feelings for another but you definitely need to learn to be comfortable being alone as well, you need to be your best companion first. Keep yourself occupied too, stay active. Idleness gives the Mind too much space to throw injurious thought arrows at you. Start running, hiking, be in nature. You're gonna feel pain but you need an outlet, don't just sit there and let your mind keep you enslaved to sadness and victimization. Feel it, yes. But not for too long. You're better and stronger than that. All the best.
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Yeah, I definitely have trouble with negativity. It's much easier to blame myself. I spent this past year thinking I could "fix" it and it's hard to let that feeling go. I just don't feel like I can find anyone better.
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 If you don't feel like you deserve better, then don't look. Trust me, he'll find you and, most times, when you least expect it. Work on you right now. Learn to be happy again. If you don't want to label him as a bad guy, then fine. Remember the times you had together fondly, but remind yourself that it wasn't going anywhere. You can pull through this, it just takes some time.
ConfusedT Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 my longest NC was almost 2 months and trust me i did NOT feel any better and i fell right back into the hell hole that i was in before! it was/is terrible. im not sad like i was the first go round nor is it as hard to let go, but i guess truly being disgusted with my actions and actually (finally) being disgusted with his made me go NC again. it is a cylical cycle and only you can break it! You are DOING GREAT. Stay strong and keep focusing on healing. everything will get better, it just takes time..
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 I'm trying to stay positive, just it's so hard. I think subconsciously I don't believe I deserve any better. I feel like I was lucky he put up with me as long as he did. He couldn't understand why I was so depressed and anxious or why I couldn't make my life better. Honestly, just counting the days is all that's got me sticking to nc. Well and I don't want to hurt worse. I think if I found out he was with someone else I would feel like dying. I don't even care to look for someone else. I don't believe anything better is out there. And I don't know how to hope for anything more. And especially with my family situation, we're all so damaged and broken, it's all I know. I don't know any different than being stuck in a crappy situation. I've watched it over and over and over, nothing ever changes.
ConfusedT Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 it is very hard to stay positive when you BELIEVE that he is the one who makes you happy. but its not, you gotta stop looking out there for what you want, because its not there, its always been in you. if he didnt treat you right and disrespected intentionally at all, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! you have to find that strength in yourself and KNOW you deserve better, but noone can do that and no amount of talking can do it either, you just have to one day! There is better out there and when you stop looking for it, it will find you!! My family is all damaged/broken too, so thats all i know as well and i continue to fall into that hole.. but i finally had my breaking point..
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 @ConfusedT: I am glad you are finding a way to move on. I know what you're saying is true, especially the fact that he can't solve my problems and make me happy. I just have lost hope of ever getting out of this hole and I don't know how to find that hope. I've been reading the one book I got: "It's My Life Now", it's about moving on after abusive relationships. This last one wasn't. But the one with my ex-fiance was and I am still not healed from that relationship, I realize. I still always feared confrontation and avoided it. I was walking on eggshells around a guy I didn't even have to with. I'm just so used to it, I don't know how else to be. This ex was pretty much the only friend I had around here too that I hang out with anymore. It's pathetic really. Sometimes I want to move to another city and start over or go to live in the city my old college friends moved to. I'm just lost and feeling hopeless.
jormungand Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I'm about a month in, and it's still not easy. i still think about her most of the day. I really miss those "good morning. i love you" calls and messages the most. but she decided that going back to a relationship she was really unhappy in was for the best. she's since cut me out of her life and i couldn't feel worse. so sorry about what you're going through.
Author BLuvv Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 @jormungand: thanks. Hope it gets better for you too!
eleanorhurting Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Hey. I know it seems impossible right now but it really will get better. You just have to keep hanging in there when you think that you are going to fall. Trust me you will start feeling better with time. I wish I could say the same for myself right now but I know this is what has worked in the past for me. Just be strong! I wish I could apply this to myself
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