OneFootOut Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I was married 12+ years, and have been single again since Feb 2009. It was a semi-mutual split, peaceful. No one cheated, it was just over and done with. So.. I am still single and alone. I'm not good at this dating stuff, and really tired of trying. I have met a dozen or more men online over the years who have talked and web cammed for weeks and months. They would get up to the point of asking me out, or I would finally ask them. We would make and confirm solid plans, and then at the last minute it was always the same.. "I'm busy" "Something came up" "I'm just not feeling good" "I've been thinking about it, and you deserve better than me" "I decided to go out with ___, she lives a few houses down" "My car broke" "Maybe next week, I have bills this week" Or they just vanish from all contact, or they leave me waiting and just don't show. They talk to me daily for all that time, seem to be interested, but when it gets to the point of a face to face meeting, they bail. EVERY TIME. I'm starting to get a complex. I am feeling like it has to be something "wrong?" with me?? I don't get it. I don't cheat, don't sleep around, and don't bring any drama. I'm fairly smart, creative, and try to be a good person. I'm not the type to bitch and nag and fight. I'm actually quite peaceful and easy to get along with. I'm not a barbie or beauty queen, but I'm not ugly either. All of these "bail-outs" have seen me on cam, and in current photos, etc. They know up front what I look like from head to toe while we are talking. I have a lot of good qualities and am affectionate and loyal. I just can't seem to find anyone who is genuinely interested in more than a chat buddy. I'm so burned out on getting rejected. It's sad to say, but I almost expect it now, so even though it never surprises me anymore, it still stings. I want to date. I want to hang out, have fun, feel alive, and spend time with someone other than my kids. But I don't want to date a hundred 'wrong guys', or to be single forever. I just want to love one man who wants to love me. Why can't it ever be that simple? Help? Advice?
laotzu Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Honestly? I'd guess it was attractiveness. I'm not trying to be a jerk here - just trying to be honest. Most of the girls who I made excuses for at the last minute weren't as attractive to me as I initially thought, or perhaps: as it got closer to the actual meeting, I felt as though it wasn't worth my time. I'm not saying that's the case, here, because I only did it once or twice. And never talked over the phone or video chatted. Can I ask how old you are? Overall, I'd suggest getting away from OLD for a while. Breaking from it can do a world of good, both psychologically and romantically. You stop feeling this "pressure" to find someone or go on a date, and sort of just: live life. And you don't know what'll happen, then, but you will know that your happiness isn't dependent on getting an email notification that brewster1997 winked at you.
Mrlonelyone Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 A hard and ugly truth of online dating is that many men and women do it with no intention of ever actually meeting anyone. It's just a fantasy game to them. More than one committed/married person cybercheats on their spouse through "relationships" like the ones you describe. These are guys and gals who are slick and smooth and don't consider anything "online" to be serious at all. It'a a fantasy playground where they can be whoever they want to be with no real consequences. I have noticed this on both free and pay sites. Not everyone who does it is married often they are just lonely and want to chat but don't have time for/can't afford a relationship. Meanwhile you take this at face value and get invested in it. You get your hopes up. That sounds like a big part of your issue. My best advice here: Don't take any of these seriously until they have met you in real life. When you set that first coffee meeting make it for a time and place where you won't mind going anyway in case they no show.
FitChick Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 OP, which dating websites? I will steer clear. I've been lucky in that I don't have a webcam and I have an old computer so they have to meet me in person.
Author OneFootOut Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Honestly? I'd guess it was attractiveness. I'm not trying to be a jerk here - just trying to be honest. Most of the girls who I made excuses for at the last minute weren't as attractive to me as I initially thought, or perhaps: as it got closer to the actual meeting, I felt as though it wasn't worth my time. I'm not saying that's the case, here, because I only did it once or twice. And never talked over the phone or video chatted. Can I ask how old you are? Overall, I'd suggest getting away from OLD for a while. Breaking from it can do a world of good, both psychologically and romantically. You stop feeling this "pressure" to find someone or go on a date, and sort of just: live life. And you don't know what'll happen, then, but you will know that your happiness isn't dependent on getting an email notification that brewster1997 winked at you. Thanks for your response. I thought it might be attractiveness (or lack of) as well, but all of these men who made plans had talked to me and seen me "live" for weeks or in some cases a couple months. They were very attentive and talkative on the phone and cam. They seemed to really enjoy my company, as I did theirs. When you are on cam, you can see the expressions and moods of people. They looked comfortable and happy to be spending that time with me. Lots of smiles, laughs, and good convo. I would understand it more if they had not interacted with me at length, and visually, and then met me and weren't attracted, but that's not how it was. The meeting part just never happens. I am 44. I'm not "desperate" by any means, nor am I needy or looking for a savior or money. I simply want someone in my life to share things with. I felt single and alone in my marriage for years, so I feel like I have been single far longer than the last 2 'legal' years. I spend most of my time with my kids and family, and we have a great time together, but I would love to find someone unrelated to hang out with. It's just proving impossible for some reason.
laotzu Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Thanks for your response. I thought it might be attractiveness (or lack of) as well, but all of these men who made plans had talked to me and seen me "live" for weeks or in some cases a couple months. They were very attentive and talkative on the phone and cam. They seemed to really enjoy my company, as I did theirs. When you are on cam, you can see the expressions and moods of people. They looked comfortable and happy to be spending that time with me. Lots of smiles, laughs, and good convo. I would understand it more if they had not interacted with me at length, and visually, and then met me and weren't attracted, but that's not how it was. The meeting part just never happens. I am 44. I'm not "desperate" by any means, nor am I needy or looking for a savior or money. I simply want someone in my life to share things with. I felt single and alone in my marriage for years, so I feel like I have been single far longer than the last 2 'legal' years. I spend most of my time with my kids and family, and we have a great time together, but I would love to find someone unrelated to hang out with. It's just proving impossible for some reason. I think I'm with the posters who are suggesting a move away from the webcams, and into a fairly quick face to face meeting. It might seem more awkward, but it has the benefit of not wasting your time with webcam guys who flake out. Good luck! I do hope you find someone.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Sorry you've had a string of jerks. I can't understand giving your word and then breaking it. A lot of people in both genders do it these days. Their word is nothing. Keep your head up and keep trying. It will happen.
Author OneFootOut Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Meanwhile you take this at face value and get invested in it. You get your hopes up. That sounds like a big part of your issue. My best advice here: Don't take any of these seriously until they have met you in real life. When you set that first coffee meeting make it for a time and place where you won't mind going anyway in case they no show. Thanks, Yes, I guess I do get my hopes up, that's on me. But I think that's me trying to think positive and not pre-judging them from the past 2 or 3 or 4.. or 7 lol. I try to think positive of each one and hopeful that maybe this one will be different. I guess it's time to change my thinking. I don't mind the webcam because I like to see who I am talking with. It's also nice to see their body language and facial expressions as we talk. I also believe in keeping it real and letting them see me as well. Maybe I need to take a break like advised and just enjoy being alive a while. I'm beginning to feel emotionally and mentally exhausted from all of the effort.
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