somedude81 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Knowing that you do get cold sores, what do you want him to do?
Ilovewater Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 (edited) I doubt I would stay with someone that had herpes either. It's his body and his decision. Seriously. Women and liberal activists cry and whine that women deserve the ability to protect "their body" by murdering their unborn children. Yet men can't protect their bodies by not wanting the herpes virus? Why would anyone want the herpes virus?? You do realize that 50-60% of adults in middle class and 90% of adults in lower socioeconomic groups have antibodies to HSV I (meaning they've had past infections)? The absence of cold sores and other symptoms does not mean that they don't carry HSV I. They do, you just don't know it. It's a very common virus. It's not a problem that her boyfriend doesn't want to touch her or be intimate while she has the cold sores. The problem is that he's belittling her for having it. Edited October 21, 2011 by Ilovewater
LoveBear22 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 You should explain to him calmly how you feel and why you are upset. If he blows you off or isnt sensitive and comforting, that is a huge red flag. Walk away, it wont get better from there.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 You do realize that 50-60% of adults in middle class and 90% of adults in lower socioeconomic groups have antibodies to HSV I (meaning they've had past infections)? The absence of cold sores and other symptoms does not mean that they don't carry HSV I. They do, you just don't know it. It's a very common virus. It's not a problem that her boyfriend doesn't want to touch her or be intimate while she has the cold sores. The problem is that he's belittling her for having it. Freakin THANK YOU!!! I also should not wear dark colors because they "don't flatter me" and the other things that are wrong with me are adding up, too. Grrrrrr!
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 You should explain to him calmly how you feel and why you are upset. If he blows you off or isnt sensitive and comforting, that is a huge red flag. Walk away, it wont get better from there. I'm afraid you are right and I'm not very happy about it. I liked him.:-(
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Knowing that you do get cold sores, what do you want him to do? He's got to do what he is comfortable with, of course, and that's not really my issue. It's the way we settled this issue that bothers me. As I said a few posts ago, both parties in a relationship need to hear each other out. He seems to think he is right about everything. He also is not very sensitive in his presentation. I don't think I'm going to bail (bale?) out yet, but I'm gettin a red flag feeling. And I'm bummed about it.:/
AHardDaysNight Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 A normal guy wouldn't care about this. He sounds like a jerk.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Don't confuse my post with complete education about HPV, but please know that there are many strains (it's a whole family of viruses - literally dozens of strains). Some cause warts and some don't, some are linked to causing some kinds of cancer (in both sexes) and some aren't, some are linked to being sexually transmitted and some aren't. In many cases the body's immune system can completely get rid of the infection (as is the case with the common cold). It's not as simple as "I've had a wart so I must have HPV". HPV that is transmitted sexually is pretty scary because in some cases, the atypical cervical cells keep coming back even when they are removed in a pleasant little procedure called colposcopy. I had a pregnant client at the health department that kept having them removed year after year and then didn't come in and get them removed and then got pregnant. They are now cancerous and she won't be treated until after the baby is born.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 A few more facts about HPV: An HPV infection that doesn't go away can cause cervical cancer in some women. HPV is the cause of nearly all cervical cancers. HPV infections are very common. These viruses are passed from person to person through sexual contact. Most adults have been infected with HPV at some time in their lives, but most infections clear up on their own. Some types of HPV can cause changes to cells in the cervix. If these changes are found early, cervical cancer can be prevented by removing or killing the changed cells before they can become cancer cells. Genital human papillomavirus (HPV) is a common virus. Most sexually active people in the United States (U.S.) will have HPV at some time in their lives. There are more than 40 types of HPV that are passed on through sexual contact. These types can infect the genital areas of men, including the skin on and around the penis or anus. They can also infect the mouth and throat. Most men who get HPV (of any type) never develop any symptoms or health problems. But some types of HPV can cause genital warts. Other types can cause penile, anal, or oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils). The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause cancer.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 A normal guy wouldn't care about this. He sounds like a jerk. I've never had anyone care before so it surprised me. I don't get a cold sore very often (every couple years) so I stopped taking acyclovir. If I take it everyday (like I used to), I probably will never get one again. I just kinda get the feeling that if I wear dark colors, he will be embarrassed. If I have a cold sore, the holidays with me and family would be cancelled and other bizarre stuff. I'm gonna attempt to chill about this and wait and see if it just keeps getting worse or not. I guess the biggest thing that bothers me is that my feelings do not make anything open to discussion.:-( I felt very disrespected....but apparently, I can't even talk about that. He has been out of town since Tuesday and it has probably been a good thing. He gets back tonight but will probably be too tired and tomorrow, I have plans so I hope I am all cooled off over it and he has a different attitude when I see him again.
somedude81 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 He's got to do what he is comfortable with, of course, and that's not really my issue. It's the way we settled this issue that bothers me. As I said a few posts ago, both parties in a relationship need to hear each other out. He seems to think he is right about everything. He also is not very sensitive in his presentation. I don't think I'm going to bail (bale?) out yet, but I'm gettin a red flag feeling. And I'm bummed about it.:/ I'm still confused on what you want him to do. How did you talk about it? What makes you think that he isn't comfortable?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 OMG, it's not an std though it can be spread that way. I had this when I was a kid. Type I (cold sore) is transmitted normally by age 7. Do you have any idea what "STD" even stands for? Your lack of understanding about HSV I parallels your lack of understanding about your guy. As bluntly as can be: "Heeeeeeeeeeee does not want your herpes" When trying to understand any of his actions, refer back to that obvious reality.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 I'm still confused on what you want him to do. How did you talk about it? What makes you think that he isn't comfortable? Some in person friday night when I felt one coming on, then again saturday morning when I was trying to get my Dr. to sent the script over to the pharmacy (I was at his house). That was all kinda/sorta ok but didn't know he was so worried about it until later. Later, he was texting me asking how long they last, that it IS an STD and he doesn't wanna catch a "virus for life, sorry". The insistence that it was sexually transmitted pissed me off because it wasn't. But a hypocrite and a hypocrite have a hard time arguing over that one because neither one of us worried all that much about STD's when we had sex a few months ago! He would not kiss me but would hug me, which IS OK....I don't expect him to kiss my cold sore mouth, of course! He isn't uncomfortable enough with it to break up with me and has been texting and calling me normally while he is out of town on business. I haven't brought up the subject again. I'll just let it go. By the time I see him (maybe sunday?) all signs will be gone. Let's see how this relationship shapes up as time goes on.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I've been googling since I posted this trying to understand all the risks and stuff. A cold sore is small potatoes compared to HIV, HSVII, HPV. And you know what? I don't know if HE has anything! He could have HSVI and not even know it! I'm feeling alot less love over this whole treatment. You are still very clearly NOT understanding those risks, and therein lies your difficulty with your guy, who more clearly does... HSV I and HSV II are scientifically unique to one another, but to persons having sexual contact, they are effectively THE SAME. Indeed 75-85% of everybody has at least one of them, and either one can cause very serious discomfort in the genitalia, and you get either one for LIFE. There have been plenty of cases of someone with a 'cold sore' transmitting their herpes to the genitalia of their partners only to have that partner then 'regift' the herpes to the genitalia of the original giver. Whether you have #I or # II down below really doesn't matter a bit where it concerns your discomfort or the reclassification of your "STD".
somedude81 Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 OK, now I don't know why you are so upset. It's perfectly reasonable for him to not want to get the virus from you. I would be worried too. Him insisting it's a STD was rude. But that is the common popular belief.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 OK, now I don't know why you are so upset. Haha, well, it really was more the way he treated me....as in not listening to me and assuming he was right...which he does alot. I guess I do that, too, but at least I listen. Thanks for that question. It was a good one.:-) It's perfectly reasonable for him to not want to get the virus from you. I would be worried too. I suppose. It's just that he didn't seem at all worried about catching an ACTUAL STD from me when we first slept together. And he didn't worry so much drinking river water on his camping trip and contracting any number of viruses, protozoa or bacteria! Him insisting it's a STD was rude. But that is the common popular belief. Yes. But I'm in the medical field. I was trying to get him to look at facts AND to understand how truly awful real STD's are. Yes, cold sore herpes is not something anyone wants to get. But up until now...it has had no negative effects on my life other than an ugly lip every couple years. It's better than cervical cancer, HIV or genital herpes. It's better than tapeworms, giardia and E. coli from river water. Just sayin. But thanks for being respectful in discussing this with me.:-)
Ilovewater Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 (edited) You are still very clearly NOT understanding those risks, and therein lies your difficulty with your guy, who more clearly does... HSV I and HSV II are scientifically unique to one another, but to persons having sexual contact, they are effectively THE SAME. Indeed 75-85% of everybody has at least one of them, and either one can cause very serious discomfort in the genitalia, and you get either one for LIFE. Um...a lot of viruses are for life (eg. chicken pox --> shingles). HSV I can also cause genital ulcers, but it's UNCOMMON. Only about 1-2% of genital ulcers are caused by HSV I. The top three causes of genital ulcers are HSV II, syphillis (Treponema pallidum), and chancroid (H. ducreyii). HSV I genital ulcers is nowhere close to the top of the list. Just don't be intimate when the cold sores are there.... No need to be so grossed out. Plus, she's taking acyclovir, which decreases the risk of transmission. Edited October 22, 2011 by Ilovewater
somedude81 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I suppose. It's just that he didn't seem at all worried about catching an ACTUAL STD from me when we first slept together. And he didn't worry so much drinking river water on his camping trip and contracting any number of viruses, protozoa or bacteria! A lot of people need to see something before they can believe it exists. Same thing for knowing about it. We all know we can get a STD from having sex, but most of us just put that thought in the back of our minds and do it anyway. But when you know that somebody has something, it's no longer possible to be in denial. But thanks for being respectful in discussing this with me.:-) You're welcome. I hope it works out for you.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 OK, now I don't know why you are so upset. It's perfectly reasonable for him to not want to get the virus from you. I would be worried too. Him insisting it's a STD was rude. But that is the common popular belief. Hello, it is the way he spoke to her about it. He has every right to feel the way he does, but he doesn't have to be a jerk off about it. THAT is the issue here, not the fact she has a cold sore. Anyway, from what you've said about his past and his ex's, I do see red flags. You see them too.. Time will tell to see if this guy is worth keeping or throwing back into the pond.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 Hello, it is the way he spoke to her about it. He has every right to feel the way he does, but he doesn't have to be a jerk off about it. THAT is the issue here, not the fact she has a cold sore. Anyway, from what you've said about his past and his ex's, I do see red flags. You see them too.. Time will tell to see if this guy is worth keeping or throwing back into the pond. Another person who gets it! He got home tonight from his trip and he was very very nice. He knew he had been a dick wad. My cold sore is still a bit visable, though flat now so I don't know how contagious I am but he didn't even care? And kissed me?? He knew I had been upset at him without me really telling him cause I was really going to let it blow over and not fuss about it while he was on his trip. So I am going to hang in there. It's ok if someone is a dick wad when stressed...as long as there is some recognition of that at some point not long after.
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 22, 2011 Author Posted October 22, 2011 Oh, and I wore a dark green shirt and black leggings. hahaha:p He can kiss off if he doesn't like me in dark colors...I'll wear them when I want. Well, actually, I will try to please him as long as he isn't being a jerk. When he is....I won't so much.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Um...a lot of viruses are for life (eg. chicken pox --> shingles). HSV I can also cause genital ulcers, but it's UNCOMMON. Only about 1-2% of genital ulcers are caused by HSV I. The top three causes of genital ulcers are HSV II, syphillis (Treponema pallidum), and chancroid (H. ducreyii). HSV I genital ulcers is nowhere close to the top of the list. Just don't be intimate when the cold sores are there.... No need to be so grossed out. Plus, she's taking acyclovir, which decreases the risk of transmission. LOL - god, wake up and smell the coffee !!! The plain and simple number one reason why anyone doesn't want an STD is so that they in turn don't know the stigma of possessing that STD for the chance they could pass it along to someone else. Hence someone who does NOT have an STD (STD - sexually transmitted disease... or, because our OP is so naive: "sexually transmissible disease")... takes extra care not to obtain an STD from a carrier of same. You sound like one of those fools debating the nuances of whether it is easier for a guy to give HIV to a woman than it is for a woman to give HIV to a man. It remains entirely IMPOSSIBLE for someone who does not HAVE HIV to pass it along to a sex partner of either gender. Boil that down considerably and you have the exact same equation which is the core of this thread. Why is it never the still-STD-free person who didn't bring the STD to a relationship who is crying out for sexual attention and satisfaction from the person who did bring the STD to the relationship?
Ilovewater Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 (edited) Why is it never the still-STD-free person who didn't bring the STD to a relationship who is crying out for sexual attention and satisfaction from the person who did bring the STD to the relationship? I'm not even going to respond to the first part of your post because it's so far from the point I was making. However, I'll respond to the quoted. She's not crying for sexual attention! She's not asking for him to kiss her or have sex with her. She's just trying to ask him to be respectful to her. There's a difference! Him sitting next to her or being close to her (e.g. hugging, sitting next to each other, talking face-to-face) isn't going to give him the virus. The virus is not going to somehow magically jump over onto him. That's the whole point! So he doesn't want the virus, that's completely understandable. NO ONE is arguing that! Him treating her like a leper? That's ignorance. Treating someone badly just because they have an "illness" is plain wrong. Edited October 23, 2011 by Ilovewater
Author SingleinSouth Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 I'm not even going to respond to the first part of your post because it's so far from the point I was making. However, I'll respond to the quoted. She's not crying for sexual attention! She's not asking for him to kiss her or have sex with her. She's just trying to ask him to be respectful to her. There's a difference! Him sitting next to her or being close to her (e.g. hugging, sitting next to each other, talking face-to-face) isn't going to give him the virus. The virus is not going to somehow magically jump over onto him. That's the whole point! So he doesn't want the virus, that's completely understandable. NO ONE is arguing that! Him treating her like a leper? That's ignorance. Treating someone badly just because they have an "illness" is plain wrong. You rock.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I'm not even going to respond to the first part of your post because it's so far from the point I was making. However, I'll respond to the quoted. She's not crying for sexual attention! She's not asking for him to kiss her or have sex with her. She's just trying to ask him to be respectful to her. There's a difference! Him sitting next to her or being close to her (e.g. hugging, sitting next to each other, talking face-to-face) isn't going to give him the virus. The virus is not going to somehow magically jump over onto him. That's the whole point! So he doesn't want the virus, that's completely understandable. NO ONE is arguing that! Him treating her like a leper? That's ignorance. Treating someone badly just because they have an "illness" is plain wrong. Are you joking??? This is somebody who is already on record here with this irresponsible little ditty: A cold sore is small potatoes compared to ...HSVII... "Respect" is a mutual thing... and when one partner has a lifelong, transmissible virus, and doesn't even have the self-respect it takes to learn about the virus she carries, then why would any partner of hers believe she is willing to afford him the "respect" she claims to want in return? How much "respect" does somebody so irresponsible deserve? We don't care if she brings any "respect" around to LS, but showing such little "respect" for her boyfriend is clueless.
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