stille Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) I was wondering if anyone here could offer any advice on my situation. Five months ago my girlfriend left me. We were best friends for years before we got together, and we were in a relationship for 10 months. We did this as a long distance relationship until I moved back to California, partly to be closer to her. But over time things soured between us, until finally she called it off. It was devastating, and even though we started talking about it, I stupidly called her back right after work: hungry, tired, irritated. We got in an argument, she hung up on me, and stopped talking to me altogether. I was hurt because this seemed really callous, and I made every mistake in the book: trying to reach out to tell her I still cared about her, sending her angry texts while drunk, dating another girl almost immediately after (I broke up with her after a couple of months, we had no connection). At one point I asked nicely if she could mail me back the stuff I had left at her place, no reply. So I angrily told her that she had one week to send it before I came down to get it from her myself. She admittedly overreacted, but was apparently afraid I was going to break into her house and hurt her. Over these months she cut off all contact, blocked my number, blocked me on Facebook and every other website. I have no way of reaching out to her to tell her how I really feel, that I should have been there for her more, that I should have listened to her more often, and that I have never felt this way about anyone else (this is not my first relationship). I have so much I want to say to her, but have no way of doing so. I feel stupid and taken advantage of, I feel like she just doesn't care. I lost my love and my best friend all at once, and some days I wonder if she isn't doing this to intentionally hurt me as much as possible. I can't take it anymore. The mental breakdowns have been getting more frequent. I maxed out my credit over the last few months, mostly on alcohol. I saw a photo of her today, looking happy, hanging out with (my) friends back where she lives. I am in hell and she couldn't care any less. I lost my voice from yelling at nothing for the last few hours. My hand is bleeding as I type this after I punched several holes in the walls of my room. I think I might be losing it. I love her with all my heart, but I feel both guilty at my own behavior and angry that I am allowing her to do this to me. I have no idea how to deal with this. I still love her madly and I am incredibly ashamed of doing so after what she has done to me. I would give anything to have her back, but if I try to reach out or even hint at how I really feel, it would drive her further away. I feel that there is no more hope. If anyone has ever been in the same situation, how in the world did you deal with it? Edited October 17, 2011 by stille
Author stille Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Haha, thank you Fats. It's actually reassuring that I'm not the only one who thinks so. She does not have any reason to think I would something so frightening. Yeah, I sent her some angry texts, but she overreacted. But maybe you do have a point about anger issues. This has been the first month since the breakup that I haven't gotten into a street fight of one kind or another. Hurting other people feels so good right now, awful as it is to say it.
LuckyCharms Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You need to help yourself bro, obviously got some issues. Heartbreaks can drive even the most sane man crazy. You need to work on yourself and have more confidence in life. I would recommend reading The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz and The Power of Now By Eckhartt Tolle. Honestly, think it would really help you.
thebig-guy Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 If it makes you feel better you should be aware that her COMPLETELY cutting you out her life is the best thing she could EVER do for you. Ive been in limbo for the best part of a month because my ex still messages me back. Any conversation we've had has been pointless and got me nowhere. I wish she would do what your ex has done. As for your belongings, let someone else sort that out with her. You really dont need to see her right now as it will be like injecting heroine, Great initially, but will kill you afterwards.
EgoJoe Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Wow. I'm a little taken back by the first people to follow up on the post though I would still highly recommend "The Power of Now." myself. You need to stop drinking. You are running from pain. AA and Therapy will go a long way towards helping you heal and become a better man. I can digress to provide information and input. Yet, I won't if you're not open to the information.
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 What do you mean by she overreacted? Like you have a restraining order on you overreacted?
Author stille Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Hi guys. Thanks for the advice. In answer to Chi, she overreacted to me saying I wanted to get my stuff back from her. It's one thing for her to be pissed off, but I feel like telling her friends that I was some kind of psychopath was maayyybbeee a little overboard. I've actually just gotten back from a therapist. It was pretty helpful. I do not think I am wrong to feel so angry at her. When you break up with someone, you can choose to be considerate of each persons' feelings and work it out so that it's easier on everyone. Or you can take advantage of the other person's emotional vulnerability and really hurt them. She chose to do the latter, and in retrospect it makes me lose a lot of respect for her. It means that she is so lacking in self-confidence that she has to take out her shame at her weaknesses on other people, even if it is the people closest to her. I have decided that if anything is going to happen in the future, she needs to be the one to reach me. The fact that she gained about 20 lbs over the last few months makes it a lot easier, haha.
ChelseaLS Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Sorry Stille, but I don't think you are ever getting her back. It sounds like you NEED her, not love her. And the fact that you laugh over her weight gain, show that you clearly don't love her. You need to work on you. Work on your anger, self control, dependency issues. Just because she left you does in no way mean she is taking advantage of your emotional vulnerability. The relationship ended for some apparent underlying reason which I bet if you look closely and find out what it is, you most likely had a HUGE part in why it ended. I bet the break up, her leaving you was hard on her as well. Just because they are the dumped, does not mean they aren't hurting too. You need the "woe is me" crap. It's not attractive, nor is the drinking, the yelling, the punching. That just drives people away. Before you can love someone else you need to learn to love yourself. I think you have blown any chance there may have been for reconciliation. Cut off contact and stay in therapy. Work on you before you try to make a relationship work.
Author stille Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 As far as self-love is concerned, she's the one who's been stuffing her face these past few months. Almost as if trying to spite me. Chelsea, I appreciate the advice, and believe me I accept the fact that her reasons for wanting a breakup were my fault. And no, it wasn't due to violence or anger mismanagement. I think I raised my voice at her all of two times during our time together, and I made a point never to resort to insults. However, the way the breakup was handled was her fault. Whether she was too emotionally stunted to properly address the situation or so petty that she felt the need to hurt me this way, I do not know whether I can forgive her for it. As for winning her back: never say never. But she needs to contact me first. Christ knows I've seen her other exes, and in light of this I was the best catch she is ever likely to get.
Mack05 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) As for winning her back: never say never. But she needs to contact me first. Christ knows I've seen her other exes, and in light of this I was the best catch she is ever likely to get. I will say it then and say it VERY confidently. She is NEVER coming back. You are in denial and fooling yourself, if you think this girl is ever coming back. She will have talked to her friends, her family. They will be backing her up because her version will be very different from your version (BELIEVE ME). I also agree with Chelsea. What man that loves his ex, would gain some sort of pleasure from her gaining weight? You are addicted to her, you don't love her. I love people that have been dumped and say "she won't get better then me". That is utter nonsense. No person can ever say that, accept for arrogant people who don't know their ass from their elbow. She won't find better, she will find someone more suited to her. Who won't get angry, scream and threaten her or gain satisfaction from her gaining weight. Who won't hit the bottle hard, because they can't cope in the right way. Yeah you sound like a great catch. What you need to do now is focus on why you behaved like you did. Ok I realise she may not have acted perfectly in the aftermath of the relationship breakup, but for every action there is a reaction. Stop focusing on the reaction and instead focus on the action (i.e. your behaviour towards her). If you don't, guess what will happen? You will make the same mistakes with the next girl and drive her away. It's not good enough to say I have learnt my lessons and that it is never going to happen again or focus on why your ex did this and that. You need to get to the reasons why you behaved so irrationally. I would recommend extended counselling (not just one session). Not only will counselling help you look deep inside yourself for some answers. It will also help you formulate your thoughts correctly and help you move on. I get the impression you will still be obsessing about this girl in 2 years time. Counselling will help you gain acceptance of what happened. It will help you forgive yourself (this is crucial for you). Once you have done the hard personal work on yourself then maybe you can start to look at meeting another girl, with a lot of harsh valuable lessons learnt along the way.. Edited October 18, 2011 by Mack05
TheDovic Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hey Stille, I think all guys make the same mistakes following a break up of freaking out and telling our ex's how much we love them. The problem with this is it makes us come across as being needy and desperate, and unfortunately these behaviours are the opposite of attraction. Believe it or not, but your ex left you because she was no longer attracted to you (or how you made her feel). So when you started acting even more unattractive (by arguing) following the break up it made her decision to leave even easier. I made similar mistakes following my breakup (although I didn't argue) and she started acting cold towards me. What I did at this point was read every breakup and attraction book I could get my hands on. With regard to break ups I read John Alexander's "Get your ex back" book which helped, (it won't help you get her back in 30 days as it claims, but has some good ideas), I also read TW Jackson's "Magic of Making Up." In terms of attraction I read David DeAngelo's "Attraction isn't a choice." These books are essential to give yourself a chance. I don't know if my ex will ever come back to me, but since I've read these books she has changed from being cold to initiating contact 3/4 days per week as well as well as showing up at my house crying twice in the past fortnight. My point is this, if you really want this girl back, you cannot do it by acting angry, needy or desperate. You might not get her back anyway, but at least you give yourself a chance this way. You need to treat her as a new girl in your life, not someone you have an existing connection to. Would you tell a new girl you met how much you cared about her??? OK, so to the more important stuff - Healing! Personally I have tried reading, especially Susan Elliot's "Getting past your breakup" and Howard Halpern's "How to break your addiction to a person." I have also been using self hypnosis cd's, particularly Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart." (The cd comes free with the book). I find this really calms me down when I'm missing her AND has helped ease the intense feelings I have. Also coming onto Loveshack and venting OR asking for advice is very therapeutic. Maybe try counselling too as it is helping me.
LuckyCharms Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Pointing fingers and who did or didn't do what, victimizing yourself, and other such ego tactics is not going to help anyone or anything. I'm sure there are lessons there for both of you, you'r e both not perfect. Try not to stay idle either, when you're inactive it gives the mind too much space to go to town on your emotions and bring you down, Go jog , hiking, or something. Seriously.
Author stille Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 So much defeatism on here. She was one of my best friends. I do not forget my friends. I have thought about it and put myself in her shoes, and I guess that in her situation I would have acted the same way. Well, except for not giving my things back, that was immature. I have decided to wait five months. If she contacts me, good, if not then I intend to wish her a happy birthday by email in five months' time. At the very least, I no longer have anything to lose. I guess there was one detail that I forgot to mention. By this time next year I will be living in her town. When we were together, we hung out with the same people, went to the same cafes, restaurants, theaters, bars, nightclubs, you name it. So there is very little chance that I will not run into her again. This is why I want to reconcile with her, as a friend. This is more important to me right now than getting her back as a lover again. In any case, though I do appreciate all you guys getting back to me, I do not agree with you entirely. During the time I spent with her we both agreed, me and her, that we were bound together by destiny. No pillow talk, but serious discussion. The only reason for this pain we both feel is that we tried to fight our fate. We are losing, day by day. As surely as the Sun rises in the East, so we will return to one another, and god help anything that stands in our way.
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) During the time I spent with her we both agreed, me and her, that we were bound together by destiny. No pillow talk, but serious discussion. The only reason for this pain we both feel is that we tried to fight our fate. We are losing, day by day. As surely as the Sun rises in the East, so we will return to one another, and god help anything that stands in our way. Dude you are the most delusional member I have ever seen on this forum. Seriously. Really, I don't think you are all there in the head. Sorry if that comes across as cruel, but that is my honest opinion. Let's go back a few steps. You seemed to gain some sort of pleasure by her gaining weight? Do you think she deserves a guy who feels that way about her? You talk about in your posts above about hurting her -> "Hurting other people feels so good right now, awful as it is to say it". I am not sure what your definition of love is, but it is very different to most peoples. I just realised there is no point in replying to you. There is the real world and your world and both places are VERY different. You need to see a counsellor and for quite a long period of time. Forget about her and focus on your issues. There is more chances of pigs flying then you two being a couple again. Sadly with you, it's in one ear and out the next. Why because I am not emotionally involved in the situation and I am thinking logically. You are the exact opposite. Let me tell you from my experience of women and reading these forums, what is probably going on in her mind. Firstly her emotional wall is up. And you can spout all the chessy lines you want about destiny, sun rising, fighting fate etc etc but that emotional wall aint ever coming down for you. She has told her friends and family all about what you did and they will be backing her up, validating that you are indeed a pyscho. Her version of the story (which is VERY different to yours) will make you out to be an unstable pyscho and her friends will be telling her "Block him from everything and don't answer him EVER". You must be out of your mind if you think she will ever contact you again. When you say happy birthday she will not reply, delete and tell her friends. Now you say you will see her around town in a five or so months. When that happens, she is going to be scared when she see's you. Her friends will suggest going to the cops. You will probably try reach out to her and she will tell you if you don't leave her alone she will go to the cops. You will spout out your nonsense about Sun rising in the east and god helps anything that stands in our way. This has restraining order written all over it. So much defeatism on here. She was one of my best friends. I do not forget my friends Stille you may not want to forget about her, but all she wants to do is forget about you and move on with her life. Stille if a girl blocks you from everything, listen to what she is saying (don't ever contact me again Dill hole). If you love her (and I don't believe you do, I believe its some sort of weird obsession) then let her go. Let her go and live her life in peace and give her a chance to meet a guy who is more suited to her. You are nowhere near ready for a stable relationship. Focus on getting your issues sorted. Edited October 19, 2011 by Mack05
Author stille Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Mack... I hear what you are saying, I really do. But an obsession? I have her on my mind, and have for a long time. After all we went through together I would be insane not to. I do not think I am as delusional as you say I am. I am more lucid than I have been for as long as I can remember. And I do love her Mack. It's not like I'm putting up shrines to her in my basement or anything, I just have a lot of feelings for her left over. As I am sure she does for me. I remember our friendship, years before we got together. It was good, and I would like to salvage it. Edited October 19, 2011 by stille
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Don't think you are getting what I am saying. You are a completely different person in her eyes now. She will be questioning "did I ever really know him". While you think moving back to her town and sending her birthday wishes will be romantic, she will be thinking the opposite. It's over for good mate. The problem here, is that you are unwilling to accept what is so clear to the rest of us. The reality is you can do/say anything you like, fight as hard as you want to, she is not ever coming back (friends or otherwise). You are about to learn a very harsh lesson...
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 This relationship is completely toxic. If you could go back, it would still be the same toxic relationship. It is better to work on yourself and make yourself better for future relationships.
Author stille Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 As usual Fats, your depiction of me is 100% accurate and in no way incorrect whatsoever.
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 If you really love her, then why do you insult her and laugh about her weight?
immitable Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 I think you guys have been a little too harsh on stille. I don't know you but I don't think you are some sort of a maniac although you seem a little intense, or from what you've written you didn't intend to harm her physically. You are just going through the anger stage and we all have been there or will be, depending on the situation and time apart. It is adivsable that you take time now, time for yorself. Your relationship died, and it happens to everyone. It was toxic and not healthy probably, which doesn't mean that you don't have a chance again, but it has to be the two of you who changed in order to function some time again. Some things have to be forgotten and it takes time. For me it has been 5 months since the end (death ) of my realtionship with my ex gf. We both ahve implemented NC. I can tell you it does wnders in terms of healing and becoming yourself again. You also pushed a line with her by calling her and pressing her, she knows that you care abaout her but let her take time apart and distance, maybe once she remembers what you guys had maybe she'll reach out to you. You also need to work on your anger issues, what makes you angry is it her behaviour maybe? While we all are not not very good at expressing our feelings, women tend to sulk more and secretly hate you. When that hatred turns too much she wants out at any cost, she pictures hell being with you. She is probably going to try to lose weight now, find someone new, try to be more loved and appreciate etc. his is just a temporary feeling dumpers feel when they are finally out of a relationship. But if she has the same communication problem and is introverted she is going to end up in the same type relationship with someone else in a given time. Give yourself and her time and heal man.
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 So many distrubing comments about seeing pleasure in hurting people but one that got me was taking pleasure in seeing her gain weight. And you love her? If you love this woman, where is you compassion as to reasons why she is doing this to herself. Feel bad for her or wonder what is affecting her? If this is your mentality and who you are as a person, because people don't just find pleasure in other people's misfortune, you would make an awful friend, forget being a great boyfriend.
Author stille Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Lady (?), I see that I have done a poor job of describing my situation. It's great fun to beat on the kind of people that crawl about here at night (the 20 something bro/chav type), but I have never hit a woman in my life and I intend to keep it that way. As for her gaining weight, you think I enjoyed seeing my partner turn herself into a raging hamwhale? I laugh about it because it helps get her off the pedestal in my head. Something did happen around that time though, I don't know what. She gained weight, dropped out of grad school, started acting increasingly bitchy to me. I wanted more than anything to help her and make her happy again, but she just did not talk about it. I do not believe it was anything that I did, and I mean that. I wonder what happened to her. And Fats, no no man, 200% medically accurate. In fact, I finally found a good photo of me that I can use as an avathar on here.
Mack05 Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Dude you need counselling and a LOT of it. Where have any of us insinuated that you have ever hit a woman?Please show me..A man that takes great joy from beating people up, has serious issues. You laugh because "you want to get her off the pedestal in your head"..Do you have any idea just how bizarre you sound? You know think your partner has turned herself "into a raging hamwhale". I can honestly say, I hope your ex stays sensible and avoids you at all costs. You do not have the right mentality (as of this time) to make any woman happy. Trust me only weird women want to be with a guy that beats people up for fun, or describes her as a hamwhale because she has gained 20 pounds.
geegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) "Hurting other people feels so good right now, awful as it is to say it." That is how you represent yourself. So, don't be offended when you get the responses you get because there's clearly something wrong with that statement. No one ever said you hit a woman. So not only have you supposedly done a poor job describing your situation, you're reading things that aren't even there. But I hardly think you've misrepresented yourself. This is probably who you are. You come off sounding so intense and volatile online so I can only wonder how you behaved in the R. I am sure there's fault to be placed on both sides but to call someone you love and believe is your best friend a "hamwhale" and finding pleasure in seeing her tear herself down from a so called pedestal? And you want to be her friend? Clearly not because you value her, but mostly for your own selfish and controlling reasons. You need help to sort your thoughts. Edited October 19, 2011 by geegirl
Author stille Posted October 21, 2011 Author Posted October 21, 2011 Why Fats, I don't have any idea where this resentment is coming from. It's just an old photo of me doing my laundry. In my bear suit. In all seriousness, immitable made a lot of good points and I really appreciate her words. You're pretty dead on with what you said. And I realize that I sound angry online--because I am, really angry. But I have spoken to my therapist again and also to a good friend that revealed to me, for the first time, that she has been in this situation before, and was on the same end of it as I was. She told me that time was on my side and that with enough time, we could be friends again, when my anger and her resentment/fear/whatever has died down. I am definitely going to wish her a happy birthday in 5 months, and if she wants to be a nutcase about it and call the cops, that's her prerogative. I have also realized that going on here was one of the worst things I could have done in terms of my mental health. Though I appreciate you guys taking the effort to respond, and although I do think that folks like immitable have given me something that I can really use to get back to my old self again, most of what I have read in this thread and through lurking is just plain toxic. Who knows, in a few months maybe I'll agree with everything you guys have told me, but not now, not right now. I am leaving now, I think. Mack and Fats, do me a favor and chug some bleach.
Recommended Posts