Crying out for guidance

[Bernyberns]

Ok I'm 22 and so is my wife..we have been married for 1 year..I'm talking months after we got married my wife's just randomly tells me Idk if I want to be married and she needs time to think..so she stays the night at a hotel one night and at a friends the next..

 

Mean while I'm completely shocked and heart broken because she was so sure I was the one..every time we passed a jeweler she got excited to pick out rings..she made promises to me that only a woman in love would make..so I felt safe with her..promised to never leave, cheat, put anyone before me, let me take charge, love me for better or worse, to have my kids, get a house together, told me I was the most important person in the world to her and only I mattered, I mean she was amazing man..made me feel like a king,,she cried because she didn't know how to make Mac n cheese like I like it..love was real

 

After she came back we moved in with her mom for about 2 months till moving in with mine in Florida...she always told me she wanted to move there..just before leaving to fl..she tries to sneak out to see an army recruiter..I was like wtf are you doing..she tells me idk it's something I think I need to do..I was like we made plans when where you going to tell me you decided to completely change them..she says she don't know..I said well I'm leave for fl..u need to make up your mind

 

I've seen army relationships.gone for months on end..not wat I want for my family..so she decides to go with me...all the while telling me she's the happiest woman ever..now she don't like my mom to much so moving in built up some tension...but couple months go by..everything seems fine..nope..it comes back up again..she's all depressed and feels lost and doesn't know where she is supposed to be..

 

Mind you she is "or is supposed to be" a huge church girl...she tells me god is telling her to do other things..so I'm like god is tell you to get a divorce? Something he feels strongly against.. So I'm stressing and working so hard for my relationship guys..I mean blood sweat and tears..I cry all the time..I'm depressed..I feel unwanted..lied to..betrayed...ugly..not good enough.

 

I'm so damn good to her..shower her with love..Im going to school to provide for her..she's constantly my first concern and I never put anyone before her..never..I been to hate myself and ask y am I not enough to make you happy..she says she's still in love with me and tells me she loves me numerous times a day..but says we wont work out..yet I'm still trying..she moved out and I got her to come back..but I need help

[Downtown]

Berny, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm sorry to hear you are having so much emotional pain at such a young age. It sounds like your W is very emotionally immature for a 22 year old. She doesn't know what she wants or who she wants to be with. Moreover, the behavior you describe seems to suggest she is doing black-white thinking, wherein she flips from one extreme view (adoring and worshiping you) to the polar opposite (wanting to join the army to get far away from you). At issue, then, is whether she is exhibiting the fairly normal behavior of a 22 year old who does not know what she wants or, rather, the dysfunctional behavior of a woman who has serious emotional issues that originated in early childhood.

 

From the little you've told us so far, I am leaning toward the latter explanation -- simply because it is very unusual for a W that age to be doubting the wisdom of marrying you after only a few months. To get useful advice on this forum, it would be really helpful if you would tell us far more detail about your W's behavior and the nature of your relationship. For example, how long did you date her before marrying her a year ago? How is your communication and sex life? Does she have a history of pursuing lots of activities, only to abandon them after a short while? Is another man involved? What was the reason she gave for moving out (before coming back)? Specifically, how did she rationalize her repeated statements of loving you with her strong feeling that your marriage "wouldn't work out"?

[SeedsOfHope]

Hi. I'm a 25 year old woman. By the sound of what you said, your actions and intentions toward your wife sound a lot like those of my fiance. I can't imagine why someone would take a man like you for granted like that.

 

There are so few men who go out of their way for their best-friends/girlfriends/wives. They shouldn't ever be treated so coldly as you have just described.

 

I wouldn't describe myself as a "church girl", but I am an open-minded Christian. I believe divorce should be a last resort (cases like illegal behavior and domestic violence and out-and-out adultery). Why your wife seems to be juggling your relationship like it's a scarf, I really don't understand. Did she show signs of "cold feet" when you guys were planning your wedding?

 

Or is this completely out of the blue? Unless she has suffered recent head trauma...I think there's something big going on that you need to find out about a.s.a.p.

 

For your sake, I hope she is not chasing someone else. But I've been on this forum for barely a month, and her sudden flightiness and avoidance tendencies do NOT sound good.

 

 

Ok I'm 22 and so is my wife..we have been married for 1 year..I'm talking months after we got married my wife's just randomly tells me Idk if I want to be married and she needs time to think..so she stays the night at a hotel one night and at a friends the next..

 

Mean while I'm completely shocked and heart broken because she was so sure I was the one..every time we passed a jeweler she got excited to pick out rings..she made promises to me that only a woman in love would make..so I felt safe with her..promised to never leave, cheat, put anyone before me, let me take charge, love me for better or worse, to have my kids, get a house together, told me I was the most important person in the world to her and only I mattered, I mean she was amazing man..made me feel like a king,,she cried because she didn't know how to make Mac n cheese like I like it..love was real

 

After she came back we moved in with her mom for about 2 months till moving in with mine in Florida...she always told me she wanted to move there..just before leaving to fl..she tries to sneak out to see an army recruiter..I was like wtf are you doing..she tells me idk it's something I think I need to do..I was like we made plans when where you going to tell me you decided to completely change them..she says she don't know..I said well I'm leave for fl..u need to make up your mind

 

I've seen army relationships.gone for months on end..not wat I want for my family..so she decides to go with me...all the while telling me she's the happiest woman ever..now she don't like my mom to much so moving in built up some tension...but couple months go by..everything seems fine..nope..it comes back up again..she's all depressed and feels lost and doesn't know where she is supposed to be..

 

Mind you she is "or is supposed to be" a huge church girl...she tells me god is telling her to do other things..so I'm like god is tell you to get a divorce? Something he feels strongly against.. So I'm stressing and working so hard for my relationship guys..I mean blood sweat and tears..I cry all the time..I'm depressed..I feel unwanted..lied to..betrayed...ugly..not good enough.

 

I'm so damn good to her..shower her with love..Im going to school to provide for her..she's constantly my first concern and I never put anyone before her..never..I been to hate myself and ask y am I not enough to make you happy..she says she's still in love with me and tells me she loves me numerous times a day..but says we wont work out..yet I'm still trying..she moved out and I got her to come back..but I need help

[Steadfast]

...I was the most important person in the world to her and only I mattered, I mean she was amazing man..made me feel like a king,,she cried because she didn't know how to make Mac n cheese like I like it..love was real

 

It's only real if both people feel the same way.

 

Judging by her actions now the love was false. You may not see it now (and you certainly didn't then) but this woman was giving you exactly what you wanted to get what she wanted. It's hard to say exactly what that could have been, but it's clear that she wants something, or someone else.

 

There is no point in trying to lure her back in. Even if she was willing, you'd just be setting yourself up for more heartbreak. In fact, I predict when you've had enough and let go, that'll peak her interest again. Many simply want what they can't have, or want something else after getting bored with what they have. That is a lot of things, but it isn't love. Not real love.

 

You are in a fortunate position; very young and no children. Send her on her way and don't look back. It hurts, but if you do the work you'll learn some important lessons about life, love and making a difference. Next time, you'll recognize early on that talk is cheap. Actions count. Let your actions show you're neither gullible or willing to be hoodwinked again.

[robf1971]

You are in a fortunate position; very young and no children. Send her on her way and don't look back. It hurts, but if you do the work you'll learn some important lessons about life, love and making a difference. Next time, you'll recognize early on that talk is cheap. Actions count. Let your actions show you're neither gullible or willing to be hoodwinked again.

 

Wise words OP

 

Be thankful your not 39 with 3 kids, Kick her to the kerb.