Am I too used to being single?

[Nic26]

I'm posting because I feel very confused! Like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and I could really do with some advice.

 

1. First of all, I'm very independent and not really a 'relationship' person, as much as I'd like to be. I'm very close to my friends and am happy with my life and myself in general, but I'm torn between absolutely loving my own space and company, and really missing having someone around to share it all with. I also miss being close to someone emotionally. I don't find it hard to meet men, and I date, but I have to really like someone a lot to want to make the effort to develop it into something meaningful. And something that will compromise my 'me time'.

 

The bottom line is - I would LOVE to have a boyfriend, still have my independence and still be 'myself', but it's just not happening for me.

 

2. A year ago, I finally met someone who I wanted to share my life with. I was so into this guy and he felt the same. Although despite our feelings, it soon became clear that we weren't right for each other and after spending some time trying to work things out, we went our separate ways after 4 months. It was a horrible situation and we both missed each other so much. He got back in touch with me after 3 months of no contact. Although I was so happy to hear that he felt the same, deep down, I knew we'd never work, but I wanted us to more than anything. One week later, we went our separate ways again...as it became clear the issues we had were obviously too big an obstacle. I was gutted but felt positive about the whole thing, as it had really confirmed that we completely clashed and could never work as a couple. Although now, after another 3 months of no contact, my heart aches for him more than ever, and I miss him and what we had, despite our problems.

 

3. I am completely torn in two. One half of me (my heart) thinks I might be in love with him, and the other half (my head) knows that it would 100% NEVER work out. This I am totally convinced of. But I’m sad that I’ve lost something so special.

 

This guy was looking for someone completely ready to settle down, someone to spend the majority of his time with, someone VERY relationship-orientated, and someone who makes a big song and dance about how much they want and need him. He made it extremely clear that he thought I was emotionally unavailable and had my barriers up.

 

I was looking for someone who was totally into me, as he was, but a bit more laid back and secure (in relationships). And someone who accepted me for me. It killed us both to let go, but we had to do it.

 

4. So now I feel even more incapable of having a relationship. And despite dating someone I 'think' i like, I feel like I need to tell him I'm not interested now, rather than dragging it out and have him figure out that I'm maybe not as emotionally available as I'd like to be. I like him, but I don’t feel that into him.

 

Although since dating this new guy, I can't stop thinking about my ex, and I want him more than ever. My heart feels like it's being ripped to shreds, and no matter what I do in this situation I don't feel any better. Ultimately, I am ruled by my head.

 

I know time is a healer, and taking a step back from it all and spending time on my own is probably the best option. Although I'm eternally single, so I'm actually worried that will just make the whole thing worse. Am I too used to being single and relying on myself for absolutely everything? How do I let someone else in?

 

I feel so miserable right now and I just want a big hug to make it all better

Edited October 17, 2011 by Nic26

[zenzen7]

I wish I could give you a hug, my friend!

 

Well, here's one thing I will say with certainty: there is no such thing as eternally single. So you can sit back in your chair, take a deep breath, smile a biiiggg smile, and say: "I will be fine"

 

Your tumultuous break-up sounds absolutely awful and I'm sorry to hear that you had to suffer in such a way. I am curious, though: what obstacles were too large to overcome in your original relationship? Your emotional unavailability? Or his inability to deal with your emotional block? Both? Or something else? For many of us, opening up emotionally is one hell of a roller-coaster ride; we feel uncomfortably exposed, almost gashed open by a level of vulnerability that probably throws us back to childhood days of unfulfilled promises and terrible disappointments. What one must do in order to overcome an emotional blockage is to explore those emotions with another person. It's an exercise in human relationships that leads to understanding oneself. Every person you are intimately connected to becomes a mirror... a clear and precise mirror of YOURSELF. Everything that makes you uncomfortable, makes you happy, makes you angry, giddy, jealous, angsty, absolutely everything is a reflection of what is going on inside of your mind and body. It becomes an experience that you can cherish instead of fearing; it becomes an opportunity of a lifetime to explore your own fears and boundaries; an existential shattering that will ultimately mend you into a new and stronger woman.

 

You are not eternally single, but you have to make a choice of whether or not you want to be eternally closed to feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable. It is a terrible feeling, I know, but it is necessary. Life is uncomfortable... but this scary feeling can lead you to a beautiful place.

 

As for your current relationship, I'd like for you to take a deeper look at your perspective. You are saying that you'd prefer not to "drag it out" nor allow him to discover your emotional unavailability. You're also saying that you're not THAT into him. So, which is it? Are you making excuses out of fear of exposure by saying that you don't like him? Or do you really not like him and you're blaming it on the idea that you are perpetually emotionally blocked? I think you deserve to take a moment for yourself to reflect on what it is you truly feel in this situation. Do not think of him or his needs; this is about you. What do you want? What is blocking your ability to achieve what you want? And how will you remove the obstacle?

 

You are in control of your life. No circumstance, emotional or otherwise, is going to lead you down a path you do not wish to visit.

 

Good luck Hugs!

[Nic26]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply

 

When you say: "what obstacles were too large to overcome in youroriginal relationship? Your emotional unavailability? Or his inability to dealwith your emotional block? Both?" .....Yes, this was his main issue, but I always felt he exaggerated a lot of things, as I'm a very affectionate person,and I made so much effort with him I couldn't believe he didn't see it. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. He always said he felt there was something not right, as I never made it obvious how I felt. We spent hours talking about it and I always took his feelings and opinions on board and tried to make a more conscious effort, but I also didn't for one minute think that I was the cause of all our problems.

 

I believe he has major insecurities when it comes to relationships and that he just couldn't handle the fact that I'm pretty laid back and not very needy. He refused to even consider this and said I was trying to play down my part instead of dealing with my emotional unavailability.

 

And so we ended up going round and round in circles, discussing things in depth on several occasions, until we eventually just had to accept it wasn't going to work. One of my major concerns was how early on in the relationship he had brought this up (2 months). And that at such an early stage, we were still getting to know each other and I was bound to be a bit wary and not very full on. It takes time for me to open up. I'd have rather it been a bit more light hearted at that stage, (although with the same level of commitment). But the fun factor was quickly overshadowed. I felt he was trying to turn me into his 'ideal' - something I was not. And that wasn't going to happen. I told him I like who I am.

 

I think it upset me more because for me, I was actually much more relaxed and open with him than I usually am with men. And I could see a future with him in it...something I'd never really experienced before.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do play my cards quite close to my chest...so he wasn't way off the mark...but neither am I the cold person I felt he made out.

 

As for this new guy, I do like him a bit, but I think my feelings for my ex are clouding my judgement. I don't feel scared of getting close to someone, I want that more than ever! Although the ex situation has definitely knocked my relationship confidence, and I really don't feel very capable right now....

Edited October 18, 2011 by Nic26

[TrueColors]

Nic, it's a fine line isn't it?

 

Have you talked this over with a counsellor at all? If not then I suggest you do. Or read self-help books.

 

I tend to be like you as well. I like the freedom of being independent as well as knowing that I have someone "to come home" to as it were.

 

But now I realise just how much I've been holding back in my relationships - emotionally. I think it's good that you at least got to talk about these issues with your ex. That's something I never did, mainly because I couldn't see much of a problem with it.

 

Did your ex ever talk about issues he had within himself? As it's not fair for him to point out your "flaws" without taking a look at himself. Did you ever have an issue with his "insecurities" and find out where these stemmed from?

[Nic26]

Yeah I've seen a general counsellor, which made me realise how much I didn't need one! I felt more reassured by the sessions, if anything. But mainly as though I was wasting her time. Maybe a relationship counsellor would be better!

 

And I've read quite a lot about it ever since, mainly out of sheer curiosity.

 

We spoke about a lot of things, but he wouldn't ever accept that he needed to chill out a bit and consider his insecurities. He had good reason to be insecure...mostly due to his upbringing and past relationships. But he was adamant that I was holding back and that caused major problems. I was adamant that I needed time to get used to being in a relationship and that I would eventually become more emotionally available. He wasn't convinced.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Nic26

[Tailor2000]

I find it odd when someone talks about wanting a relationship but then seems to prize their independence above everything else. They get to resenting their "significant other" because their partner just wants to be a part of their life, have a normal relationship, and feels pushed out, second best, second place.

 

I don't understand why independent people think relationship-centric people are insecure in relationships. I think the independent people are frightening of something that a relationship brings and they suffer from self-esteem and security issues and they can't let go of some irrational fear. They don't put anything into the relationship clinging to the notion of independency because they don't expect anybody to give them anything else. Everything is done on the independents term as they cling to their lifestyle and to do anything different is an attack on their very life.

 

But don't think Im knocking.

 

Im sounding off in general. I had an ex who sounds a lot like you - that's where my observations come from. But in fairness, you at least say you tried to communicate, giving clear signals that you wanted to take it slowly. That is very good, and if your partner can't accept that, then it's his loss.

 

Im quite an independent person myself, but Im also relationship-centric in that i believe the idea of forming a union with a significant other and both of us working towards one. There has to be an overlap in life, but individualism is good too. I favour a healthy balance.

 

My ex told me how much she loved me after less than two months, we then said we were in a relationship, and engaged after four months. Everything went at such a pace, but she valued her independence so much that my feelings that we weren't uniting as a couple much, were brushed under the carpet as irrelevent. I was labelled as insecure because I didn't feel the love from her. I didn't need her to need me as such, but I always thought it odd she would go to everyone else for support instead of her significant other.

 

Perhaps I didn't ask the right questions, but unlike you, she didn't tell me and explain to me how her life is, what her values and goals were, why she is independent, whether it would take time. She never told me why she couldn't come round after work for half an hour and why sometimes I wouldn't see her for two weeks despite living five minutes away from each other. She wouldn't tell me why I was never invited to her house. She wouldn't tell me why she only really ever felt comfortable with me when there was other people there. She avoided the issues so much right from day one and made me feel scared to even ask questions.

 

I was left to fill in the blanks and to try and work out what was happening because she wouldn't talk to me. She just reflected any questions on me saying that she was secure, and that Im the one with all the problems.

 

A friend told me relationships has a key word - relate. It is about relating with someone else. If you can only relate with yourself, then forget relationships for now.

 

While he is without fault, I would ask - Like most people who value their independence, you enjoy your time with your friends and family - at a guess. You're not independent in that sense. A partner should be your best friend and should become your priority - unless you're just in a casual dating relationship. So what is it about having a boyfriend, a partner, a husband etc, that is so frightening? Are you scared of losing control?

[Nic26]

I wouldn’t say I prize my independence above everything else, I just don’t seem to be able to have a relationship and I think it’s because I’m so used to just looking after number one and doing my own thing. I think that’s bound to take some adjusting to, although it is what I want.

 

So in that way, I always thought he had a point and never denied anything relating to that. I asked for his support, as well as time to figure things out, but I think he just thought I was trying to buy more time and that nothing was actually going to change. He said he didn’t have the time.

Being in a relationship doesn’t frighten me, it’s just not something I’m used to, and I don’t know how it can become something I’m used to without a bit of practice? I don’t ‘know myself’ in a relationship, so it’s all new to me. Which is good, but still not going to happen over night.

 

I'm very close to my mum and friends, and actually couldn't be without them! So at least I know I am capable of that.

 

In contrast to your relationship, his feelings became the be all and end all of the relationship, until there was no place left for us to go and we had to end it, to keep us both sane.

 

It sounds like communication was a major problem for you…maybe if you’d been able to discuss all of your issues, you’d still be together today, or at least have been able to understand each other better and make a more informed decision.

 

Me and my ex spent time alone with each other almost daily, we talked about everything and were always honest with each other. The main problem being that I felt I was making lots of effort and was being very forthcoming with my feelings. So when he said I wasn’t, I was surprised and actually didn’t know what to do to change this. How do you make changes to something you don’t feel is necessarily happening? It’s all a very strange situation to be in, and still to this day I wonder how I’m ever going to make those changes and have a relationship.

 

I’d love to get back in touch with him…so what’s stopping me? The fact that I don’t feel as though I can be that perfect girlfriend who’s an expert at how to behave in a relationship. The truth is, I have no idea

[Tailor2000]

I'm very close to my mum and friends, and actually couldn't be without them!

Ahh. This is the crux of the matter right here. Your opening post, you said you were very independent. But here you say you couldn't be without your mum and your friends.

 

That actually sends signals to me you're quite dependent - on your friends and family. For whatever reason that dependency doesn't seem to translate well when you're in a relationsip? Would that be fair? Perhaps you are holding back and feeding any insecurity he has?

 

Im not saying he should have been first all the time, but how were you in putting him first? How were you in treating him as a potential mate and not just another friend? Was he your best friend or was he lower than your existing friends? If you went on a date, would you bring your mom with you? You couldn't be without your friends, but you can be without the one person who was supposed to be your best friend. Perhaps he wondered why you couldn't be as close to him as you could be with your friends and family.

 

Maybe he was a genuinely nice guy, just not right for you, or maybe there was something you were afraid of, perhaps you, like my ex, feared him taking too much of your time? Perhaps you feared him leaving you and didn't get close?

 

I don't know, Im just throwing ideas out there, and Im not saying he is innocent at all.

 

And because Im playing devils advocate here, I think lets remember, the relationship was four months. I'd have been quite happy in my relationship if we were just dating and didn't expect anything serious. But because we made it serious by the labels we put on it, to me, things were supposed to change. Please tell me at least you weren't engaged to him? But there's going to come a time when he will have to come first and you start putting your mum and friends second. Your future partner will need to be the one you can't do without. Otherwise, it's just FWB. But that's just my opinion.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Tailor2000

[Nic26]

Ahh. This is the crux of the matter right here. Your opening post, you said you were very independent. But here you say you couldn't be without your mum and your friends.

 

That actually sends signals to me you're quite dependent - on your friends and family. For whatever reason that dependency doesn't seem to translate well when you're in a relationsip? Would that be fair?

 

Hmmm, not quite...I believe you can be very independent and still be close to your friends/family. I live alone, rely on myself for everything and have to have some alone time each week. Even that comes before friends and family, (unless of course there's some sort of crisis going on). I'm not a loner, however, so I do love to be around them and love them all to bits. They're very important to me - as a boyfriend would be if I had one.

 

Would I take my mum on a date with us?? Haha. No, I definitely would not. Who would do this?

 

When we were together, I saw this guy almost every day and we spoke by text or phone when we weren't together. My friends on the other hand I see maybe once or twice a week as we're all pretty busy with work and other things. So I really made time for him, and he did come first.

 

We were absolutely not engaged! The relationship didn't reach that point, what with all the issues we had. Things like that need to be overcome before even thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone. And I'd never get engaged so soon anyway....there's no rush, so being together for a few years beforehand seems about right to me. I actually think my ex would have agreed with me on that one.

[Tailor2000]

My ex used to take her mum and dad every where we went. We hardly had any time alone to ourselves! Of all the meals we had together over the time we were together, four were alone, just me and her. While very many more were with her mom and dad. Every time I suggested we go for a meal, she'd agree then change her mind at the last minute. It was quite frustrating. I just don't think she liked talked that much. But she was the life and soul of the party with others and had no problem going out for meals by herself with her single female friends or other couples. An odd situation.

 

Every time I wanted to do something, the answer would be, we have the rest of our lives.... that's great, but when can I take you out for a meal? I did ask her several times if she wanted to slow things down, but she was happy to plod full steam ahead!

 

You are correct though - its great to have close friends and family. It's great to have that support and the social interaction and when you are in a relationship, naturally, friends and relationships should somewhat intertwine.

 

I think you confused me when you said you couldn't be without them. I could quite easily live and function without my friends and family. Life has to move on. But I do very much want them in my life for the reasons above.

 

By the way, I notice your other thread about being an only child. My ex is an only child.

 

Im not an only child, yet I've learnt to be quite independent and rely upon myself. My ex was very heavily dependent on her family to do her day to day chores (ironing, cooking, cleaning etc), yet she claimed to be independent. That's why when you talk about how you couldn't be without certain people, I had to ask about whether you really are truly independent in that regard. My ex I think clung on to her family.

 

But if you can live on your own and function quite normally, that's actually pretty good. And there's nothing wrong with seeing friends and family. You sound quite sane!

[nofool4u]

Nic26

 

Don't be in any hurry! Enjoy being single while you can.

 

Although I will never marry again, I still believe in the concept and being with someone special. But take your time.

[Nic26]

Our situations sound different and I think it's safe to say, I'm nothing like your ex. It sounds very strange that she would hardly spend time alone with you. Maybe she was nervous and a bit shy? And it sounds like she has been wrapped in cotton wool by her parents. She will probably grow out of it all eventually. Did you never manage to speak with her about it, and get honest answers?

 

When I say I couldn't be without my friends and family, I don't mean to function, I mean because I love them all so much, and that's what life's about. We make each other laugh and are there for each other when times get rough. Obviously in literal terms I could be without them. But where's the fun in that?

 

nofool4u - I'm not in a hurry and enjoy certain aspects of being single - which is probably why it's lasted 26 years wouldn't mind a bf for a change!

[Tailor2000]

Thanks Nic. I tried to discuss things with her, but she just kept telling me we have all the time in the world to be happy, that it's all in my head, she would tell me its all because Im not used to having a relationship.

 

Some of the stories she told though were so contradictory it was getting beyond a joke. And the way she dumped me on Facebook just gave me everything I wanted to know, that I wasn't going crazy, that I was right to feel worried.

 

And 26 is no age. Try to get out dating if you can without anything too serious. I think if you can treat a future boyfriend the way you treat your friends (my ex couldn't), then I don't think you'll have a problem at all. It's about taking those skills learned during friendships and at home in the family into a relationship. Just be careful of crossing that invisible line that says you're no longer dating, or in a casual relationship, you're in a relationship with a future when you will have to share things a little more....

Edited October 21, 2011 by Tailor2000

[smudge21]

I can totally relate to you here Nic - maybe it's a UK thing!

 

I love my indepence and have always been pretty much a loner, although with friends and family around. I enjoy my own space and the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Even in some relationships that has caused some problems, not just long term, but in the early days with me kinda' having a fear of commitment and being with someone 24/7.

 

It's hard to explain, but I believe a lot of it comes from childhood - parents splitting up due to father cheating etc. Maybe seeing how upset my mother was back then made me think I could never treat someone like that, so I have to be 100% sure of the relationship for it to work, hence why I feel being single is just easier and safer. Well, that was something a therapist suggested (amongst others).

 

With that said, the reason I'm here is because of a relationship that didn't work out and I would've loved to have been with her 24/7... rest of my life in fact. Yet even that was analysed as this girl had many red flags which I ignored, so maybe deep down I knew it wouldn't work out - thus once again, keeping me out of a relationship and keeping me happily single. I don't know, it's all very deep.

 

I guess my way of just dealing with this is to just try not to force myself to find a relationship and just live my life. I've generally found that the best relationships I've had, have been when I've been friends with the girl first and things have developed slowly.

 

I tend to find that things happen when you least expect them... so stay positive and just enjoy your twenties - they do go by so fast!

[Nic26]

Tailor - she dumped you on facebook...that's awful! I do date, I'm dating someone at the minute actually. That's what's caused all these feelings to resurface and made me realise how much I miss my ex this new guy's really nice too, but I'll admit, he's not the one I've been thinking about every minute of the day.

 

Smudge...it definitely sounds like you have a fear of commitment, and your theories sound accurate. Although you have the right idea with just getting on with things, that's the best way to be. I met my ex completely out of the blue and wasn't even going to agree to go out with him at first. I guess I was just being wary as usual, but glad I decided to go. Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind.

 

I think with me, it's more subconscious, which I find really frustrating. I wouldn't want anything but commitment, and for a while I didn't know what the 'problem' was, or that there even was one. The more I've considered my behaviour, the more it makes sense. I guess I always thought I could grow out of being on my own when I was ready....something that's proved not to be the case....

[smudge21]

Ever thought about talking about it to a professional, like me you may find something in your past that may be affecting you on a subconscious level. Just an idea.

 

Personally, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You're still very young and you should be enjoying your twenties, doing the things you want to do. I really can't understand why so many people want to settle down and bet married in their late teens/early twenties. For all those that I know who did, not one of them stayed in the relationship.

 

Go enjoy yourself and try not to worry about it. Maybe it's simply a case of not meeting the right guy yet... I'm sure there's one out there somewhere.