Sevenscars Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hello LoveShack, I'm in a slight conundrum and would like a different perspective on this. My girlfriend and I have had some rough times recently, and we're trying to work through it as best we can. A few weeks back, she started a new job and met a male coworker that she really clicked with. She was really happy to begin a friendship with him. Their communication is mainly through text messages, and for probably the past 2 weeks they have been texting practically every day, almost all the time, even when I am with her she's texting him. That's great, she has a new friend she gets along with well, I am happy for her and encourage that. I told her this. But it got to the point where I felt as though she was neglecting me for him. I mean, seriously ignoring me while sitting there texting him. Instead of sharing things with me about her day or random funny thoughts she came up with, you know the usual texting stuff, she'd share it with him, claiming that he's funny and makes her laugh. He is funny! She's read me a few of their conversations. Seems like an alright guy, and he's got a long-distance girlfriend to boot (that my girl says he loves dearly, and she can just tell, without him saying it). He doesn't really say anything suggestive that I know of, and my girlfriend assures me he's just a friend. I did bring up to her how bothersome I found it that she'd constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY text this guy even with me around. When I told her my feelings, she said she completely understood and would try to limit the contact when she's with me, out of respect. She said if I was doing it to some girl, she'd feel the same way. She even brought it up to him and he agreed, saying that it was good that I was questioning the nature of their relationship, as it meant I really cared about her. (PS - she didn't stop that kind of contact, we'll get to that later) Okay, great. This guy really seems cool, I have no problem with him. Its her, man. Last night I caught a glimpse of an open text message. He was joking around with her (nothing bad, nothing sexual!) and she was saying, "oh you discovered my biggest secret - now you have to tell me one." And she continually sort of pushed him for more secrets, sharing some of hers as well. At around 11:30 PM, she invited him to chat online with her, and they chatted for what I'm guessing is about 1.5-2 hours. I was there, in the room, studying. Am I wrong to think that borders on the line of intimacy? Is it okay for friends to be doing it like that? She says that they chatted about music and stuff, and it was a slow conversation, but I'd never really know. I'll give you an idea of how this is going. Yesterday, her and I sent each other 36 text messages. That same day, she sent this guy 200 MESSAGES. They're talking all throughout the day, even multiple times past Midnight. The other day I walked into her bedroom and she was texting him at around 2 AM! I got mad and stormed off to cool down, when I came back she was still texting him! (Good night/good bye/good messaging whatever) - well this doesn't happen ALL the time but enough where it's kind of worrisome. Again, she assures me I have nothing to worry about and he is just a friend. While this may be true, part of me thinks that she's in denial. She says she's not attracted to him physically (I believe her), but is attracted to his personality as a friend. Is she emotionally cheating, or just making a really good friend? Am I overreacting? I've told her how it makes me feel, and she has told him and also agreed to relax a bit, but she has not relaxed. She says though, that I should meet him in order to qualm my fears - that's a great idea on her part, a good step, but still it doesn't make up for the CONSTANT MESSAGING even when I am there! Sharing things with him that she doesn't share with me anymore, ignoring me for the sake of texting him. I talked to her about this, and told her to calm down when she's around me, but I'm not one to restrict their friendship. I can't do that in good faith. What am I dealing with here, how can I solve it? Thanks LSers.
BeyondtheClouds Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 There may come a point in your life when you will decide that the kind of partner that you want is someone who acknowledges the big differences in treatment between a husband/partner/SO/ bf and a friend and a coworker. And the differences occur not only from a sexual point of view but also from an emtional point of view. Right now your gf does not see the difference. And quite frankly, if I had a bf who did not immediately agree with me on the differences, our relationship would be history.
Author Sevenscars Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 There may come a point in your life when you will decide that the kind of partner that you want is someone who acknowledges the big differences in treatment between a husband/partner/SO/ bf and a friend and a coworker. And the differences occur not only from a sexual point of view but also from an emtional point of view. Right now your gf does not see the difference. And quite frankly, if I had a bf who did not immediately agree with me on the differences, our relationship would be history. Those are some wise words, BeyondtheClouds. In fact, I texted my girlfriend something of the sort and she replied with how she wants me to show her what makes me happy. I can't help feeling as though she should already know by now. At the same time, I need to know whether what I am doing and feeling is right.
Linda9999 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It bothers you. You've told her it bothers you. She isn't acting the way she should be as a result. No matter what it is that bothers one partner, if it bothers them enough to bring it up and the other partner agrees it's a problem and that they need to do something about it, yet they DON'T do something about it - yeah, not good. Tell her again and tell her in no uncertain terms it needs to STOP. Lay out the consequences if it doesn't, and then follow through.
Author Sevenscars Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 It bothers you. You've told her it bothers you. She isn't acting the way she should be as a result. No matter what it is that bothers one partner, if it bothers them enough to bring it up and the other partner agrees it's a problem and that they need to do something about it, yet they DON'T do something about it - yeah, not good. Tell her again and tell her in no uncertain terms it needs to STOP. Lay out the consequences if it doesn't, and then follow through. Agreed. I told her I'm on the last straw. When I do this though, I'm afraid of the resentment I will get. And she will start feeling uncomfortable, and begin hiding her friendship with him. This is a huge no-no, and something I do not want to happen. Especially since I don't want to restrict her friendships! That's horrid of me! But this is different. I guess I'm just going to have to prepare for the anger and resentment that it will bring when I tell her that it needs to stop, and it needs to stop NOW or I will walk out on her for ever.
Author Sevenscars Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 and it needs to stop NOW or I will walk out on her for ever. If it reaches this point, this will be the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I just had to say that.
freestyle Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 The behavior your gf is exhibiting is exactly the kind of behavior that leads to affairs---emotional and/or physical. It's laying the groundwork. Right now, she's investing more of her time and energy into communicating with HIM, instead of you. It's a recipe for disaster. It's how most workplace affairs start. Texting another guy at 2:00 a.m.?!?!? Ask her how she'd feel about you texting another girl at that hour. I seriously doubt the other guy's LD gf would appreciate knowing that her bf was texting another girl, to the extent he is, and in the wee hours. Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass---read it yourself-then give it to her to read. It does an excellent job of dissecting and explaining the dynamics that go into emotional affairs---it's very comprehensive.
Kinder-Horror Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 In your OP, you rejustified their friendship a couple times: "that's great," "okay, great," "I have no problem" but then you lay out how you DO have a problem. Do I think you are justified for having a problem? Absolutely. BUT I do wonder if you are making this absolutely clear when you communicate with her. I realize you want her to know that it is okay to have a friend (I think you did a great job of conveying your feelings in this post), and you certainly aren't telling her NOT to be friends with him - but it is ALMOST as if you have to make a rule that she can't communicate with him while you're around. I am not saying to go that far - but something is obviously not fully connecting with her in regards to your concerns, or her actions out have changed, even if just in the slightest - and they haven't. Would I be worried about 2 am chats and CONSTANT messaging? Yes. BUT you are much closer to the relationship than I am so you can instinctually decide if this is a threat or not. While the friendship may NOT be the threat, her reallocation on the attention front IS the problem. It's possible that she smiled and nodded the last time your confronted the subject in an effort to get you to relax about it while she had no real intentions of changing her behaviors. Have another chat with her. Explain that you haven't noticed a change since your last discussion about it and see where it goes from there. Bottom line, actions speak louder than words.
thatone Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I talked to her about this, and told her to calm down when she's around me, but I'm not one to restrict their friendship. I can't do that in good faith. What am I dealing with here, how can I solve it? Thanks LSers. sure you can do it. tell here there will not be another text from that guy answered while you're around, so she can either have her fling with him or the relationship with you, and she needs to make up her mind right now.
Recommended Posts