lovesick1 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) Here's the deal I met this girl over the summer one summer back from college, and we started seeing each other. The start was rocky as I was still seeing a girl on and off(09'). We stayed together through the next half of my year at college, breaking up and getting back together the following january(10'). We went through another cycle of this, dated through her first semester at college, and broke up for 5 months the following January (11'). We then got back together at the start of that summer and are still together to this day. We have very different views. She is atheist, I am Christian, she is very opinionated and in your face (though doesnt act like this around me), while I am more reserved. She loves talking to me throughout the day and I would prefer just to skype at night and not text in the day. I feel a lot of times that I have to act nicer or more careful about what I say and it builds up in me and annoys me and we end up fighting about it. The list is long but with us coming and going (long distance-7+ hours), I am on this rollercoaster of wanting to break up and be together. None of my friends think this relationship is right, including my parents, and for a long time it was her convincing me to be in this. I have another semester and a half left until I graduate then I am off to grad school, and it could be anywhere. I don't want her influencing where I decide to go. I know it all sounds harsh, but I do love her, we have been through sooo much together. She is coming to see me this weekend with a 300 dollar plane ticket and my birthday present and I don't want to do anything before then but I hate to lead her on over the weekend then dump her. I am just tired of feelings these little bits of stress over our relationship. We both don't see us ending up together but just play it day by day. Right now I am just at a down point in how I feel and that's why all this seems so negative, but we really do have lots of fun when we are together. I have never laughed so much with anyone and we have both become really understanding with one another. But is she right for me? Am I wasting my time? Because I have rarely felt like we are a "right" couple and are right together. I have been trying to weigh pros and cons and I came up with this: PROS: Have a gf who supports me and my plans, have someone to talk to, the sex is amazing, I trust her 100%, she is always there for me and supportive CONS: Too many ups and downs/thoughts of ending it, long distance with no end in sight, very different views/outlooks, feel like I have to monitor myself when talking to her, expensive trips to see each other, different lifestyles, poor relationship foundation with too many breakups, she is emotionally dependent and often very needy I have been in this situation for a long time. We almost broke up over summer but she wanted to "give her a chance" when we went back to school. I just don't know how many more chances I can give this. Technically nothing is "wrong" now I have just been having these thoughts too often for my comfort.. Thoughts? Edited October 17, 2011 by lovesick1
january2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It sounds like this relationship is a lot of hard work. My take on it is that you don't feel free to be yourself with this girl. You're on guard and have to dial back just to keep the peace. In an LDR, it's already tough enough as it is. With incompatibilities and lack of support for you relationship rom your network, it's really hard to maintain it. My impression is that you don't really want to be in this relationship. It's unlikely she can get a refund on the ticket so I think that you're just going to have to put a brave face on it and try your best during her visit. Then think about what you want to do after she's gone. If you decide to break up, do it as soon as possible and be firm that there is no negotiation. The dumper tends to be the bad guy so take it on the chin when she starts begging or getting upset but be firm and move on. Then go NC to give her space to heal and to give yourself space to heal.
Author lovesick1 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 You hit the nail on the head, the biggest issue is I feel like I have to moderate myself and can't be myself and completely relaxed. When I am, she takes it as me not being nice and gets really upset/crying, even though I did what she told me to and told her my honest feelings; this in turn just leads to us fighting and me experiencing feelings of resentment because I feel I just can't be normal and tell her straight up I am a little tired of being around her or want my own space, without her getting worked up and calling me a mean person. It's a bunch of negative reinforcement whenever I tell her what I am feeling and all she does is cry and say I am mean and treat her badly and it comes to me ending up apologizing for not telling her nicely and then saying I love her whilst I am still feeling resentful and annoyed. Because of that it just makes me more annoyed when I just want her to be chill and get it that it means nothing but she is so reactive to anything negative unless I tell her in a way that is like giving her an ice cream sundae kissing her telling her I love her and saying, "I just want a little space babe." Even if I do that she still gets worried and worked up and it leads to hour long discussions. I'll try and be nice this weekend and if feelings don't change I will firmly end it the next week. I am just worried because she is SO good at telling when something is on my mind, this will probably come out some way or another tonight.
january2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 If it does, you're going to have to be honest, unfortunately. I don't think you can keep up the charade any longer. You'll end up resenting her. I'm sure you don't want that and nor would she.
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