headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 For some reason mt topic didnt save,it was meant to say confused Most people know my story so i wont go into it,Right my ex contacted me last week before i went on a trip and asked if we could clear the air when i got back,i didnt respond as i was NC,but i did respond yesterday saying i dont know if i can as im still hurting so much since she slept with someone last week. She txt yesterday saying we need to clear the air because all we ever do is fight when we speak to each other and its hurting both of us,i agree tbh but i dont know if i can face her,i need to get this anger off my chest by telling her what she has done,but i dont if thats a good idea,i replied to her txt saying i dont know yet but if your with him then i want nothing to do with you,she replied saying she isnt with him or anything. I left it at that,So my question is,do i meet her and get things off my chest and then walk our seperate ways? or do i just say no and leave things as they are? im 50/50 on things because i think seeing her will only prolong my pain,but i do need to get things off my chest yet again. Btw,in some of her txts she has said she loves me still,misses me,thinks about me all the time but nothings going to change between us,i didnt respond to that crap either.
PegNosePete Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 So she cheated on you. What do you want to do? Do you want her back? If not then tell her to take a long walk off a short pier and never speak, email, text or smoke signal her again. If you do want to continue the relationship then she shouldn't want to "clear the air", she should be BEGGING you to give her another chance. If she's not begging then show her the door.
fuzzbella Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Right now you probably think itll just be one meeting- you'll get it off my chest then you'll be able to walk away, you'll get closure and feel better. I found out it doesnt quite work like that, when i went back to get my 'closure' 'clear the air', he told me he loved me, missed me and it kept me hanging on. You will continue to argue because she's saying she loves you but then is saying she wont be with you, and it'll be frustrating. When i went back for that 'clear the air' talk i ended up sticking around for another 5 months stuck in some horrible depressed place of not been able to move on and still been hung up on him. The more you tell them what theyve done is wrong the more angry your going to get because they dont understand, and i wish i knew this 5 months ago, i would have started no contact back then instead of just now. If i was you i wouldnt have that talk, she's been with another guy to anyone thats a sign that she's moved on, so my advice would be, do the same.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 She txt yesterday saying we need to clear the air because all we ever do is fight when we speak to each other and its hurting both of us Then, respond back. " You're right, everytime we talk we end up fighting. So, I think it would be in our best interest that we don't talk because I'm done fighting. You want to 'clear the air' but, I want to 'check the water' because you've made it crystal clear to me on how you truely felt when you screwed that other guy. Your actions speak louder than your words. I'm done. Don't ever contact me again." Hopefully, something like that will get through to her.
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 So she cheated on you. What do you want to do? Do you want her back? If not then tell her to take a long walk off a short pier and never speak, email, text or smoke signal her again. If you do want to continue the relationship then she shouldn't want to "clear the air", she should be BEGGING you to give her another chance. If she's not begging then show her the door. she didnt technically cheat on me as we had been broken up 4 weeks,but it still felt as though she had,because i still love her,Tbh i dont know if i ever want her back because it would take me along time to get over the fact she slept with someone else 4 weeks after our 2 year relationship ended,i suppose that says alot about her now. Im actually starting to think its best if i dont see her because will things ever actually change? i think we would still fight etc,im not gonig to txt her either telling her i cant see her,i dont think she deserves my energy
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Then, respond back. " You're right, everytime we talk we end up fighting. So, I think it would be in our best interest that we don't talk because I'm done fighting. You want to 'clear the air' but, I want to 'check the water' because you've made it crystal clear to me on how you truely felt when you screwed that other guy. Your actions speak louder than your words. I'm done. Don't ever contact me again." Hopefully, something like that will get through to her. Thats actually spot on,think i might just txt that to her word for word haha,thanx chi town
PegNosePete Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Yeah, text that to her. And then when she replies steaming mad, tries to call you 300 times, sends you 500 emails - DO NOT REPLY. I'll say that again in case you missed it, DO NOT REPLY. WHATEVER she sends, DO NOT REPLY. In fact send it just before you do something that prevents you replying such as going on an airplane, a long drive, sleep (turn all ringers and vibration off) etc. Then in the cold light of morning you can NOT REPLY with a clear head. Seriously, whatever she replies, it's not something you want to discuss or argue. So just ignore it. She will stop eventually when she gets fed up of you not replying.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey Head, didn't you say she lives literally right around the corner from you?
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 ye mate she does,about 2 mins walk,i can see her house from mine.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Okay, well...Pete's right and normally I would agree with everything that he says. But, you've been in contact with her through texts. The way I saw it was giving her one final text to let her know that from this point on....done. Strict NC. What's hard for you is the close proximity that she is to you. I think I remember you writing in other threads on how she just "happened to bump into you on the street." and you shouldn't have to live your live on the run from her. She's proved to be VERY persistant to say the least. You need to put your foot down. She needs to see that you're done. Or else, it's going to make it pretty hard to bring a girl around when you start dating again.
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Okay, well...Pete's right and normally I would agree with everything that he says. But, you've been in contact with her through texts. The way I saw it was giving her one final text to let her know that from this point on....done. Strict NC. What's hard for you is the close proximity that she is to you. I think I remember you writing in other threads on how she just "happened to bump into you on the street." and you shouldn't have to live your live on the run from her. She's proved to be VERY persistant to say the least. You need to put your foot down. She needs to see that you're done. Or else, it's going to make it pretty hard to bring a girl around when you start dating again. It is kind of hard living so close because i will bump into her at times,you see i have to walk my dog and the only way i can go is past hers too which makes it harder. I wouldnt say she has been persistant so much,well the 1st 3 weeks of our break up she did contact me 1st 99% of the time,even after id told her 3 times not to contact me, But its been less quiet from her since she slept with someone,i remember the other night when she had asked to clear the air,i didnt reply for a while as i had company (male friend) so she msg again asking why i didnt reply,so when i did reply i told her id had company,she replied again and because i was out she sent another msg saying " you must be busy if you got company not to reply,i get it" .. i never replied as i was out that night,the next morning i had a msg off her saying " she must have been good then".. i was gobsmacked,id never even hinted i was with a female lol,she even accused me of going with a prostitute while iw as on holdiay,wtf does she think i am lol... then all this has come about wanting to clear the air,so god knows what her game is,i havent txt her yet with what u put chi town because my phone is flat and is turned off,i might txt her it after 8 tongiht while she at work and maybe it might actually hit her like she did me lol.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 How did you find out she slept with someone else?
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) how did i find out,erm,she had been txting me and she said something that made out like she had slept with someone,btw i was drunk too and i replied with somethign like "i take it you been with someone" and she basically said yes,ofcourse i was fuming and the next day she accused me of sleeping with somone,then she rang me,called me every name u can think of,told me she wants my life ruined etc, she was crying during all this too,id not even slept with anyone either,ive not met anyone,kissed anyone,nothing at all,yet she accuses me,that was basically the last we spoke until she msg me before i went away and said hopefully we can clear the air when i get back,i did think about it while over there and id told her i had but something was stopping me from doing this. She even told me she slept with him twice,that was nasty i think,and she said its her friends friend whom she slept with,i didnt believe her at 1st but i suppose i do now,either way,her sleeping with someone else is whats killed me and i dont think ill ever get past it,so meeting her was probably a bad idea anyway,plus im sure we would only end up arguin again and then we will still be in the same situation. Edited October 17, 2011 by headsashed
Author headsashed Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 im about to send that txt now chi town lol,then im off to bed,good thing about it is my phone will be cut off day after tomorrow as im not going to pay my bill,because ive no money grrr,so she CANT txt me after that and that will do me good
Author headsashed Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 So i sent it,ii also added my own little bit on the end,i just put im glad 2 years meant nothing to u,hope ur happy now m out your life,she sent a nasty reply which i expected,this is what she put. ok then,im glad ur out my life,2 years meant fuc* all and u didnt,so ye im happy now,im glad slept with someone else. I didnt reply,then i got this "ye im a nasty heartles bitch before u say it" i did reply but i just put "k" Then she sent this "i cba with this,why the fuc* you being like this,we have been ok the past few days" i havent replied since,i kind of feel hurt again this moring though,strange.
Mack05 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) One of you is as bad as the other...This is going to end up even nastier then it already is if you keep replying to each other. I think you both have issues and your situation is utterly toxic. You need to get yourself out of this mess once and for all headsashed. My god weeks ago myself and Geegirl told you NOT TO RESPOND TO HER and here you here still doing the same s**t. Stop it man! No more excuses. Don't go near her house, you know full well you can avoid it if you want to. Change your phone number, change your email address, block Facebook...There is always going to be something with this girl to make her want contact with you. Her mothers garden, clear the air, her cat is having too much sex, her shower is acting up, her flatulence is out of control, should she buy herself a new pet pig, low fat or whole milk etc etc etc. When are you going to try help yourself? No good can come of staying in contact. If you clear the air something else will come up. Clear the air is something you do with a family member or friend, not an ex. You have broken up face to face, time to move on. When you going to stop making excuses and actually do something? Edited October 18, 2011 by Mack05
Author headsashed Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 i know mack,i start NC and do well then she always says something to make me bite and i cant help myself,luckily tomorrow my phone will be cut off so she cannot txt me,as for walking past hers,i cant avoid it,to my right is a dead end,to my left is her house so its the only way i can walk really,i cant wait until i finally move house,but that could be ages away (im down on the local housing list and have been since march).
Mack05 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) i know mack,i start NC and do well then she always says something to make me bite and i cant help myself,luckily tomorrow my phone will be cut off so she cannot txt me,as for walking past hers,i cant avoid it,to my right is a dead end,to my left is her house so its the only way i can walk really,i cant wait until i finally move house,but that could be ages away (im down on the local housing list and have been since march). That's good to hear headsashed, Moving house will seriously help! and not having the option to reply to her will really help also. I know how hard it is to fully let go. A person will say something and you think no fcu king way I am letting her get away with that. It is VERY hard to maintain a dignified silence. I made the exact same mistake the past weekend, so believe me I know. The thing is you must. This girl clearly has issues. I have never heard of a girl, who says we are never getting back together but continually harasses her ex. It's like some sort of sick mind game. You need to avoid these mind games with her. She is doing all this because....you know something, I dont even know why she is doing this. Maybe she loves drama and is addicted to toxicity, maybe it's a ego or a power trip. All I know, is that these mind games are severely affecting your recovery from her. You must disengage now. Even if she threatens your dog you must disengage. If you can put some money aside then try get to counselling. There has to be reasons why you were with a girl like this in the first place. You need to get to the bottom of it because otherwise you will make the same mistakes in the future.. Edited October 18, 2011 by Mack05
PegNosePete Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 You must disengage now. Even if she threatens your dog you must disengage. Yes this is really important! You can see what happens when you do reply to her All you sent is "k" but she reacted to that. Every time you respond she will throw it back at you 1000 fold. The only way to make her stop is to IGNORE it. So she won't be able to text you any more, good. But she will see you walking the dog and probably try to start a fight. You need to disengage. If she shouts at you, ignore her. If she comes up to you in the street and blocks your path screaming and shouting about what a bastard you are, turn around and walk the other way. If she is shouting ***** at you, IGNORE it. If you react even in the smallest way she will do the same damn thing tomorrow. If you don't react she will get bored and stop.
Author headsashed Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Im not going to stick up for this girl but for 95% of the relationship she was amazing,it was just the past 3 months,since she met her new friends,she became the person she is now,im partly to blame for the contact made but as u said,its pretty hard when u hear something or they say something. I genuinly believe she wanted to clear the air and stop all this fighting,but deepdown i know its not going to stop,I cant afford my phone bill for tomorrow but i could always borrow the money but u know what,im not going to because that way i cannot txt her or anything and she cant txt me. As for moving house,that could take years,but also take weeks,so fingers crossed. It is effecting my recovery too,the strange thing is,yes i feel hurt alot still but nothing near as bad as i did 5 weeks ago,but maybe thats because there has been contact and soon as we cant talk i will feel it all,i dont know. When she said those hurtful things last night it didnt really bother me that much until this morning where it does kind of hurt. Shes become a wierdo to say the least,i know i never did anything wrong in these 2 years so why should i be the 1 hurting while she is out enjoying herself and sleeping with other people,maybe its because i have a heart and she doesnt anymore. Roll on tomorrow when my phone is off and i cant contact her,1 thing i wish she would do though is change her password on facebook which i asked her to do and she wont,because sometimes i fail and look at it which doesnt help me,just wish she would change it.
geegirl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 i know mack,i start NC and do well then she always says something to make me bite and i cant help myself,luckily tomorrow my phone will be cut off so she cannot txt me,as for walking past hers,i cant avoid it,to my right is a dead end,to my left is her house so its the only way i can walk really,i cant wait until i finally move house,but that could be ages away (im down on the local housing list and have been since march). Can't help yourself or won't help yourself? And endless cycle heading nowhere is what you are doing. When will you start seeing it as a game? Don't use the disconnection of your phone as your crutch. If that weren't happening, how would you be handling and coping? That's doing the work. Banking on a phone to get through this is not enough. Because I can bet you'll be using FB and walking by her house more often because you won't be able to stand that you are not hearing from her and wondering what she's doing. You have to start thinking. Stop engaging. And that means FB as well. Just like the phone, just because she won't change her password, that's a problem for you because you want to check. It's her responsibility? Take accountability for YOU saving yourself. Learn self-control. Learn to disengage.
Author headsashed Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 i accept full responsability for my actions,i know ive caused all of my own pain by reacting to her,i want it to stop but its hard to,know matter what i try i do fail,ye my phone is doing the work for me but its a start isnt it? Some more good news i suppose,my friend who used to live with me is coming down today,she wont let me contact my ex in anyway or form,and she is going come cut my hair etc and make me look sexy again haha
geegirl Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 i accept full responsability for my actions,i know ive caused all of my own pain by reacting to her,i want it to stop but its hard to,know matter what i try i do fail,ye my phone is doing the work for me but its a start isnt it? Some more good news i suppose,my friend who used to live with me is coming down today,she wont let me contact my ex in anyway or form,and she is going come cut my hair etc and make me look sexy again haha At some point you need to learn self-control. Think before you react. Don't react on your first emotion. Step back, think of the situation, what's been happening, the effects of contact and give yourself 24 hours before you respond. If you still want to respond, come here. Go to a friend or family member and talk to them. Someone will talk you out of it. Don't react. Reacting = I fail. If your phone is doing the work, then you have to apply yourself to the FB and walking by her house. If you keep saying you can't help it, I fail, it's hard without ever taking it by the horns, you will keep in this endless cycle of defeat. Now go out and wow em' with that new look!
Author headsashed Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 i think thats where ive been going wrong,acting on my 1st emotion,sometimes i have stepped back and not responded but that wasnt enough,i know i have done alot of things wrong in this past 5 weeks but believe me,i have tried my hardest to get over her,ive just been weak and gave in too easily when she contacted me,my own fault i know,i need to be stronger now,just hope my friend comes today,she posted it on my fb that she was coming at 4pm so fingers crossed as i havent seen her in like 2 years,think i better set my fb to private now too or thats gonig to be another argument.
Mack05 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 I better set my fb to private now too or thats gonig to be another argument. Do you actually listen to a word we say! You can't have an argument with someone you don't talk to! F c u k ing hell!!!!!
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