TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey, When I was in the A, xMM only got to see me at my best. He never got to see my dorky side, me without makeup, etc... And I felt even during the A, that if one day we "end up together", I kinda thought about how I would always have to be "on" to make sure that he's happy and he's getting what he likes. I'm wondering was it just me that worried about that, or if that is a thought you guys have/had too? Don't get me wrong, its not like what he saw wasn't me, but he didn't get to see all "sides" of me.
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I think this is one of the reasons that many affairs never make to it a more permanent state. They never become real because the players never become real with each other. Honestly, your dorky side is probably the most charming part of you, and since he never gots to see it, he doesn't even know it exists. The other problem with this is --everyone knows that no one is perfect. So, if all your MM ever sees is you being perfect, in the back of his mind, he has to be wondering, "all right, what is she hiding?" This kind of thing is like always eating the super sweet frosting and never getting to the cake.
donnamaybe Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I've often thought about this as I've watched people on this forum rant about how the W never takes care of herself while they on the other hand are always well dressed, manicured, made up, hair done, etc. etc. etc. Well, it's easy to be "perfect" when you know the specific times to shoot for (i.e. when the MM is going to be around). What a shock when a full time R actually forms out of an A and both parties now get to see every single side of the other person. EVERYONE has bad days or down times. EVERYONE. Isn't it interesting, OP, that you can now see - in hindsight - what was going on there?
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I think this is one of the reasons that many affairs never make to it a more permanent state. They never become real because the players never become real with each other. Honestly, your dorky side is probably the most charming part of you, and since he never gots to see it, he doesn't even know it exists. The other problem with this is --everyone knows that no one is perfect. So, if all your MM ever sees is you being perfect, in the back of his mind, he has to be wondering, "all right, what is she hiding?" This kind of thing is like always eating the super sweet frosting and never getting to the cake. The funny thing is - you're totally right about the dorky side. My current boyfriend LOVES it, and I think he loves it even more that I'm not so weird and dorky with everyone but him - that he really gets to see that part of me and he finds it charming as you say... As for the part in bold, I never even thought about what xMM might have thought. What you wrote, didn't ever even occur to me. I just figured that he liked the part of me that he saw and so I need to stick to what I know works.
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I've often thought about this as I've watched people on this forum rant about how the W never takes care of herself while they on the other hand are always well dressed, manicured, made up, hair done, etc. etc. etc. Well, it's easy to be "perfect" when you know the specific times to shoot for (i.e. when the MM is going to be around). What a shock when a full time R actually forms out of an A and both parties now get to see every single side of the other person. EVERYONE has bad days or down times. EVERYONE. Isn't it interesting, OP, that you can now see - in hindsight - what was going on there? I see what you're saying - but in all truth, the way I present myself (physical appearance) to xMM is the way I am pretty much all the time. The boyfriend gets to see the no make up stuff because we actually spend nights together, and he sees me the next morning But I was actually talking more about showing all sides, of personality or the way we behave. hehe, I do see more in hindsight, that's for sure. But this particular thought was always in my mind - kind of "what if we really do end up together, can he really handle all of me? what would he think? would he like it all?" that kinda stuff...
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 The funny thing is - you're totally right about the dorky side. My current boyfriend LOVES it, and I think he loves it even more that I'm not so weird and dorky with everyone but him - that he really gets to see that part of me and he finds it charming as you say... As for the part in bold, I never even thought about what xMM might have thought. What you wrote, didn't ever even occur to me. I just figured that he liked the part of me that he saw and so I need to stick to what I know works. And he probably DID like what he saw, but who wants a one faceted diamond? This sort of thing also picks up its own momentum. Almost like the more perfect the OW shows herself, the more she feels she needs to be perfect the next time. And it is always a show and they never let that real side of themselves out. I think this is why so many OW are so frustrated when things don't work out, because they feel that they showed their best and their best wasn't good enough --when in reality, they didn't show their best at all. My other thought too is that maybe the MM feels HE cant livbe up to that standard of perfection all the time. I would be intimidated by someone that is always perfect--wouldn't you?
Radagast Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I got to see all sides of my wife during the affair, and she of me. There were no surprises. The woman I married is the woman I fell in love with, it was not an act and she never felt the need to perform for me. One of the things I love most about her is her WYSIWYGness.
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 And he probably DID like what he saw, but who wants a one faceted diamond? This sort of thing also picks up its own momentum. Almost like the more perfect the OW shows herself, the more she feels she needs to be perfect the next time. And it is always a show and they never let that real side of themselves out. I think this is why so many OW are so frustrated when things don't work out, because they feel that they showed their best and their best wasn't good enough --when in reality, they didn't show their best at all. My other thought too is that maybe the MM feels HE cant livbe up to that standard of perfection all the time. I would be intimidated by someone that is always perfect--wouldn't you? I think for me it was the fact that he already had someone and that woman wasn't living up to what he wanted that made me feel that I needed to be "perfect" and be "on" and can't really slip. It would have been hell to live like that forever. I'm so WYSIWYG with anyone else, but the dynamic of the A, and feeling that he stepped out on her because she disappointed him somehow put a lot of pressure on me. I felt that I needed to project perfection (well as close to it as I could get). Its amazing how little I considered when it came to what he might really think about it. Thanks SBC
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I got to see all sides of my wife during the affair, and she of me. There were no surprises. The woman I married is the woman I fell in love with, it was not an act and she never felt the need to perform for me. One of the things I love most about her is her WYSIWYGness. I'm like that with my boyfriend. I love that I can be me, and that he knows it all, the good, the bad and the ugly and still loves it / loves me. I still put in effort, but I don't feel the pressure to be "on" all the time. For me, this is way better, because I know there are no surprises on either side. Thank you for your response and I'm glad that you and your wife are like that with one another - it is awesome!
Silly_Girl Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey, When I was in the A, xMM only got to see me at my best. He never got to see my dorky side, me without makeup, etc... And I felt even during the A, that if one day we "end up together", I kinda thought about how I would always have to be "on" to make sure that he's happy and he's getting what he likes. I'm wondering was it just me that worried about that, or if that is a thought you guys have/had too? Don't get me wrong, its not like what he saw wasn't me, but he didn't get to see all "sides" of me. Summarily I'd say 'absolutely not'. If I wanted to sob or go crazylady I would. But I thought on it. It was the distance that had an impact. He would have to travel back and if I had been due to see him in a day or two I'd probably have had less interest in resolving issues (they'd just resolve themselves over time, I guess, these were just silly small things). But I made an effort, and so did he, because it was important to us that we didn't have to part amidst tension. But then, some couples never go to bed on a row, we don't, so maybe that's just how we would have been. Don't know. I've always maintained that some affairs can leave both parties much better equipped to communicate and handle conflict, because of the breadth of issues and how emotionally charged it can be ("hurry up and leave your wife" for example is always going to be a more difficult topic to cover than "no, I'd rather our next break was skiing/cruising). It won't be the same for all AP's though, I'm sure.
Summer Breeze Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I was me. He saw me at my very best and he saw me through a trauma that displayed the worst me I could possibly be. We spent weekends together quite often and we never were together if we didn't have the night and morning together. He saw every part of my personality there was. Sometimes I think he wished I was probably a little more demure and more like a stereotypical OW. Oh well.
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Its amazing how little I considered when it came to what he might really think about it. APs tend to be very myopic. They (especially the MP) are desperately trying to fill some hole inside of themselves that they don't have the energy to expend to figure out (or even care) what the other person is thinking or feeling. And then it becomes insidious since we are not getting what we want, we focus on ourselves to an even greater degree and as a result we get even less what we want, which leads to more thoughts about ourselves --and at this point, the relationship is circling the bowl. Relationships only survive and thrive when the partners are thinking, and giving, more to the other than they are to themselves --and generally, As are not like this. 1
East7 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hi Tigresse, I'm sure you are pretty ALL the time
Choose Life Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I have to say my xMM did see me at my worst. I saw him at the gym a lot, so I was no make-up, hair scraped back, sweaty you get the picture! Also speant the night together a few times, so saw me first thing, as I saw him. It didn't bother me, didn't bother him, always felt comfortable. I did always make an effort on dates though, and he would always compliment me on how gorgeous I looked. I must admit, I see your point though, but it's like that dating single guys, it's always your best, then just progresses to everyday you :-)
donnamaybe Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I see what you're saying - but in all truth, the way I present myself (physical appearance) to xMM is the way I am pretty much all the time. The boyfriend gets to see the no make up stuff because we actually spend nights together, and he sees me the next morning But I was actually talking more about showing all sides, of personality or the way we behave. hehe, I do see more in hindsight, that's for sure. But this particular thought was always in my mind - kind of "what if we really do end up together, can he really handle all of me? what would he think? would he like it all?" that kinda stuff... I just can't imagine any human being who doesn't enjoy dressing down in their own home sometimes. If your partner loves you, they'll want you to enjoy your comfort moments too, even if it involves sweats and pink, fuzzy slippers.
2sure Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You know , looking back on when I was OW...I can tell you that the best part of an affair - to me - was getting ready for our time together. Think about it, what woman doesnt really enjoy getting ready for a special date. Especially if you have a week to plan it, no rush. Time to take a long bath, go to the spa, get your hair and makeup done, buy new things and pack carefully if its a weekend trip. etc. Do all the pampering its so easy to not make time for otherwise. And to me it was fun because I knew we were not going to have one single conversation I didnt like or at least none that I really cared about. If once in awhile I didnt feel like getting all ready or we werent going anywhere...I would have no makeup, no special pampering etc...I would be LAZY about it. MM always thought that was a sign that he was really really special to me. Ridiculous. I just knew after awhile that they were so pleased to be there, it didnt matter what I looked like, what I smelled like, or quite possibly who I was.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey, When I was in the A, xMM only got to see me at my best. He never got to see my dorky side, me without makeup, etc... And I felt even during the A, that if one day we "end up together", I kinda thought about how I would always have to be "on" to make sure that he's happy and he's getting what he likes. I'm wondering was it just me that worried about that, or if that is a thought you guys have/had too? Don't get me wrong, its not like what he saw wasn't me, but he didn't get to see all "sides" of me. Can I ask why he always got to see you at your best? And, if you two DID end up together, why you'd feel that you'd have to be "on" all the time and not show him all of you, not just the good times and fun. I know the answer to this but I'd like to hear your reasons.
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You know , looking back on when I was OW...I can tell you that the best part of an affair - to me - was getting ready for our time together. Think about it, what woman doesnt really enjoy getting ready for a special date. Especially if you have a week to plan it, no rush. Time to take a long bath, go to the spa, get your hair and makeup done, buy new things and pack carefully if its a weekend trip. etc. Do all the pampering its so easy to not make time for otherwise. And to me it was fun because I knew we were not going to have one single conversation I didnt like or at least none that I really cared about. If once in awhile I didnt feel like getting all ready or we werent going anywhere...I would have no makeup, no special pampering etc...I would be LAZY about it. MM always thought that was a sign that he was really really special to me. Ridiculous. I just knew after awhile that they were so pleased to be there, it didnt matter what I looked like, what I smelled like, or quite possibly who I was. 2sure, I want to be you when I grow up!
eleanor01 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 My MM hasn't seen me at my worst, which I would say is probably when I'm so frustrated and angry that I'm crying and stomping my feet. Nobody's seen that, as on those rare occasions that it happens (like every few years) I make sure I'm alone before I let fly. Other than that, I'm thinking I probably look the worst when I'm in the middle of a gastrointestinal bug, sleeping on the bathroom floor. He hasn't seen that, and again, I prefer to be alone when I'm sick. However, he has seen me try to present at a conference after 72 (I am not kidding) hours of no sleep, hopped on caffeine and Adderall. My face was really weird looking. I looked like I had a couple of shiners and there were these blotches on my face--patches of red interspersed with patches of white. He's seen me get intellectually pissed off about something in a book. He's seen me get so mad in a meeting that I went silent and my eyes turned into little slits and then I left without saying goodbye to anyone. And he's also seen me pull out my brains and out-intellectualize a self-righteous idiot (again, this is something I rarely do because it's unkind). I'm sure that I was attractive in none of those situations. But, yeah, mostly I'm "on," I guess. I've always shaved and bathed, my house isn't usually too much of a disaster when he comes over. I don't wear much makeup, but what I have on usually comes off during sex, so he's seen my bare face. He's seen my middle-aged tummy. I do look forward to our dates, and so I imagine there's a sparkle in my eyes that isn't there when I'm home doing dishes or folding laundry. And no, he's never seen me in sweatpants, but I wouldn't have a problem with it if he did. Interesting thread. Best, Ellie
2sure Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 SBC...haha. In case you havent noticed..I have a slight emotional disconnect. Ive decided to roll with it.
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 SBC...haha. In case you havent noticed..I have a slight emotional disconnect. Ive decided to roll with it. My best friend in real life does too, unlike me who tends to over invest emotionally and she and I are the perfect balance. She keeps me grounded, and I keep her real.
norajane Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey, When I was in the A, xMM only got to see me at my best. He never got to see my dorky side, me without makeup, etc... And I felt even during the A, that if one day we "end up together", I kinda thought about how I would always have to be "on" to make sure that he's happy and he's getting what he likes. I'm wondering was it just me that worried about that, or if that is a thought you guys have/had too? Don't get me wrong, its not like what he saw wasn't me, but he didn't get to see all "sides" of me. I think that's the big thing with affairs - that's what makes the relationship so appealing to MP's. It's not that different from dating, for that matter. It's just that affairs rarely progress beyond "dating" because of the inherent constraints. In an affair, or on a date, ALL your attention is on the other person, the two of you, being together while you are together. You are "ON" whenever you are together, and you are focused on him/each other. In a relationship, things like laundry, paying bills, cleaning the house, etc. have a place. When you are in a relationship, you're not just focused on getting together, having dinner, going out, having sex, bye bye til next time. In a relationship, you have to make time for all the other things in your life that you have to do in addition to, and while you are with, the other person. Affairs are a series of dates. And on dates, you don't do laundry or make trips to the post office and dry cleaner. You focus on each other during the dates. So yes, you are always "on" and have little idea what things would be like if you were in each other's homes all day long, every day, week, month, year.
SBC Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 So yes, you are always "on" and have little idea what things would be like if you were in each other's homes all day long, every day, week, month, year. God, I would kill myself if MM and I were together all day long, every day, week, month, year --and I want him! This though, is why marriages fail. This is an unrealistic expectation of marriage that is SO freaking common. Relationship fatigue.
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Hi Tigresse, I'm sure you are pretty ALL the time no doubt bout it you're so sweet
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I have to say my xMM did see me at my worst. I saw him at the gym a lot, so I was no make-up, hair scraped back, sweaty you get the picture! Also speant the night together a few times, so saw me first thing, as I saw him. It didn't bother me, didn't bother him, always felt comfortable. I did always make an effort on dates though, and he would always compliment me on how gorgeous I looked. I must admit, I see your point though, but it's like that dating single guys, it's always your best, then just progresses to everyday you :-) yeah, I"m sure that most people see each other more "natural" and yeah I dress up and put in all that effort for me - I truly do but I felt with xMM like I had to make sure that I did because there was that pressure ("well his gf musta slipped up there and he's steppin out on her, I better not be like her") its kinda sick to admit that I thought that, but I just think because I felt that she must have disappointed him somehow, I felt way more pressure to be perfect all the time in front of him.
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