bluebell Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Me and my partner have been together four years and have a child together. To cut a long story short things were great, we were loved up and had similar feeling about each other, life in general and what we wanted. He used to be so lovely but things have gotten so bad that I just don't know what to do anymore and fear splitting up is all I have left. I work part time and when im not working I spend my time keeping the house in order with housework and washing etc. My partner rarely has to do anything. The last few years he has become very distance. Sex is a huge issue as it rarely happens. Half the time I feel like im guilting him into it and its horrible. He says its because he has a low sex drive yet i've caught him watching porn on many occasions. Ive tried speaking to him about it but he lies through his teeth about it. He did this after I had our baby was born, despite me telling him that I wanted to be intimate he just wasn't interested in me at all and just watch porn behind my back. This really hurt and has knocked my self esteem. I cant even kiss him without him pulling away or not kissing me back. He doesnt like holding hands anymore of doing anything remotely couply. He doesnt spend much time with me anymore. He thinks being in the same house is classed as quality time together and thinks im pathetic for feeling lonely when im on own. Some weeks I spend upto 6 evenings on my own and I am unable to go out as im looking after our child. He's either out gigging or working. I just feel he doesn't love me anymore. He doesnt have the same urge to be close, be intimiate as I do. He used to be romantic all the time and now I dont even get anything on Valentines day. When I tell him I miss him, I get nothing back. Im currently suffering from a health condition, which, if it doesnt get better could end up in my loosing my job. Things like cleaning is really difficult for me as it aggrivates the situation. He doesnt help me out and leaves a trail of mess behind him. I spent hours scrubbing our oven which causes me pain whilst he sat doing nothing. He messed it up really bad and couldnt understand why I was frustrated. When I explained it was hard for me he said he wasnt bother and that it wasnt worth arguing about it. When we argue there is a lot of name calling but what gets me the most is that he says im mental and should be sectioned. He told me I have Biopolar, that im a slag, that I didn't deserve to have children (when I was pregnant). I feel I work so hard for us and our family and that all I get is a kick in the teeth. I will never be good enough or appreciated. I've told him so many times how unhappy I am and nothing changes. He won't talk to me, he won't listen and I just dont know what to do anymore and I feel I just can't cope living like this. He ignored me all night, all morning and has gone to work early. I asked him to stay and work it out but he went anyway. Ive asked him if he still wants to be together and given him the chance to get out but he always says he is happy. Please someone give me some advice
Buttercup84 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hi there I am sorry you have to deal with this . My ex and I were together for two years and lived together. Things were great at first but he became withdrawn , I also had to get him to have sex with me , he always blamed his low sex drive on work etc yet he watched porn . He didn't want to kiss me , he hardly touched me anymore.He criticized me , said we were spending time together by being in the same house , didn't care if I got sick etc. He could be so nice but he made me feel needy and he also said I was pathetic for not wanting to be alone. He dumped me in July . Your partner should not treat you like this , he is selfish and inmature.Tell him he either changes or you are done.You deserve someone who gives you all what he dosen't xx
Author bluebell Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks for your reply. I have given him the ultimatum before and he's made an effort. I then think things are getting better but it never lasts long. Im so tired of him not talking to and walking out that I told him if he went today that we were finished. He wasnt bother... he left. Guess that should tell me all I need to know but its so tough. I love him dearly, the same way I always have done and wish we could get back to the old days. He's such a good dad and I keep thinking its worth fighting for. Then I have days like today where I feel so down and lonely and like its just not worth it anymore.
TheDovic Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Hey Bluebell, Your story really resonates with me, as I feel it is very similar to my own. I was a bit like your man (although not as severe), although it was my ex who had issues with having sex as intercourse was painful for her! Anyway, in many ways I took my ex for granted, letting her "scrub the oven" and saying nasty things at times. I also stopped being affectionate towards her and I was frequently out of the house at night and on the weekends. (Although our relationship problems weren't as one sided as yours, as she had massive emotional issues which I felt drained by) Ok, so I knew she wasn't overly happy, but I took it for granted she would always be there for me so I was content to keep living as we had been. However when she left me my entire world fell apart. I would honestly do anything to get her back, and this experience has really taught me to appreciate her. Maybe breaking up with your man will give you a much needed break, and make him realise what he had!!!
Author bluebell Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks for your reply... its nice to hear a mans point of view. I have thought about leaving before. I packed my stuff and had the taxi on its way and he cried and begged me to stay. I thought that was going to be a turning point but it wasnt. In all honesty im scared to leave. We have a lot of financial debt (we pay for this we aren't getting red bills or anything) which we built up together but in my name. I was in love and stupid - I see this now. If we broke up he would be fine as he earns alot. I however would be left with the debt and very little income. Its also my daughter. I feel for her as I come from a broken relationship and its been hard.... I dont want that for her and I dont want to uproot her. At the same time I can't live like this.... I think I deserve to be happy too
TheDovic Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks for your reply... its nice to hear a mans point of view. I have thought about leaving before. I packed my stuff and had the taxi on its way and he cried and begged me to stay. I thought that was going to be a turning point but it wasnt. In all honesty im scared to leave. We have a lot of financial debt (we pay for this we aren't getting red bills or anything) which we built up together but in my name. I was in love and stupid - I see this now. If we broke up he would be fine as he earns alot. I however would be left with the debt and very little income. Its also my daughter. I feel for her as I come from a broken relationship and its been hard.... I dont want that for her and I dont want to uproot her. At the same time I can't live like this.... I think I deserve to be happy too Of course you deserve to be happy, and so does your daughter, but I don't think either of you will be whilst things continue in this way. I'm a social worker and know from research that children with separated parents tend to have more successful relationships in their future, do better in school and employment and have less emotional problems than those who grow up in an unhappy environment where there are issues between the parents. (As long as they maintain contact with both parents) Children are very intuitive and will eventually (if they haven't already) figure out something is wrong. Growing up within an atmosphere of unhappiness, fighting or resentment can cause a lot of problems for children both now and in the future. So if your relationship carries on in this fashion it will be detrimental to both you and your child!
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