Ayla Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 What would you think....? 2 people (1 male and 1 female) spend a lot of time together. For instance they see each other 12 days out of 14. Both in public and private, by themselves and with others...but primarily by themselves. During the day and at night, instigated by both of them. Coffees, brunches, dinners, lunches, DVDs or just hanging out. They are also going on a 2 week holiday together to see her parents and go away to an island. They talk about everything (except their feelings for each other-nothing is defined. She doesn't talk about other guys and he doesn't talk about other girls). They flirt, they laugh and it is as if they are together...just one catch...there has been no intamacy in 2 months other than a kiss on the cheek. There is definitely a mutual attraction, she dresses up nicely and smells nice, and he looks his casual best and wears cologne even if he is coming around to see her to watch a DVD at 9pm at night (even though he just had a shower after the gym). He knows that she likes his cologne. They have a lot in common, share the same values and interests. Friends and family think they should be together. He is too scared to get into a relationship and she is to scared to talk to him about what they are. Is anyone as confused about this as I am?????? I know I'm talking in the third person, but this is about me.
Nexus One Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I don't believe this whole "I'm too scared to get into a relationship" thing some men throw around. Men generally aren't such p*ssies that they're too afraid to be committed to a woman...IF they're into her enough. The guys I know that don't want to get into a relationship, want to be free to screw around. They don't want to lose that freedom. So in that case men either think they can get better or they don't want to get tied down and get limited in the variety of p*ssy they can get. You have to talk to him directly about it. This whole nonsense about waiting for exclusivity and avoiding talking about the other people someone is involved with only favors the person who is screwing around and has lots of other options. If you want a relationship, then you have to cut through some knots in order to get what you want, if you don't, then you will be wasting your own time.
Author Ayla Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 He genuinely is scared. He has told this to some of his best friends. Who in turn have told me. To be honest between work, Spending time with his daughter and seeing me...he wouldn't have time to see other women. His friends have also not seen him with any other women, but me....and this is them just talking to me as a friend, they don't know how I feel about him. I'm too scared to talk to him, as I don't want to lose the closeness that we have. I know I should, but seriously...I'm too chicken, as he is really important to me.
carhill Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Has there ever been 'intimacy'? He's a man who's made a baby. He knows how to do that and how intimacy with a woman is different than with one of his male friends. If he was having 'baby makin'' feelings again, with you, he'd be showing them more obviously. I could see his distance, if interested, if you or he were married (to someone else) but it makes no sense whatsoever in this case, given the circumstances. When and how did his last relationship end and how long has it been since he's been with the mother of his child?
Author Ayla Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Carhill-his ex of 10 years cheated on him with someone for 6 months, and is now engaged to that person. He has to see her weekly when picking up/dropping off their daughter. They split up April last year. We dated or were getting to know each other for 2 months dec 10-Jan 11, but I ended it as he was not ready for a relationship, but made it clear that I would like to try again when he was ready. We also fooled around twice 2 months ago, but have not had sex.
Emilia Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 He doesn't fancy you. A man wouldn't be able to hang around a woman he was sexually attracted to for 12 out of 14 days.
carhill Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 OK, he and ex have been split about 18 months; she's engaged to her affair partner. He sees her weekly due to visitation. Are their interactions cordial? What's his perspective? Does he ever mention these interactions? What's his tone wrt his ex? Is she his exW or exGF? If exW, how long have they been divorced? What I'm fishing for are indications that he's in a healthier mental and emotional state than he was last January. My frame of reference is readings here plus going through a divorce which will be final about a year in a week or so. After reading the further information, I'm not really confused about his ambivalence, rather more confused why he would be dating someone and not wanting to be intimate with her physically. Women I can understand, as many have dated me to 'get over' an ex. They enjoy the emotional intimacy and validation and then move on to a man they're attracted to. Men express emotions through sex. He sounds stuck. That's my armchair analysis. YMMV >
Author Ayla Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 He does mention his dealings with her now-and it is still quite bitter. His phone ring tone for her is "stop calling me". He thinks she is a manipulative and selfish person and he doesn't like her. He sometimes says things to her that try to get her goat and make her annoyed. IMO he is better than he was in January, but not perfect. Yeah-that is what confuses me too Carhill. I totally agree, as it does seem as though we are dating. Many of our conversations seem to be couplish, and how we rely on emotionally is couplish. If it helps, his friends say that he 'doesn't like women'...not in the sense that he is gay, but doesn't trust them with a 10 foot pole. He did go through a 'have sex with anything with breasts' last year. Also a big drinking phase.
carhill Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Reading further, if the status quo is acceptable, continue with him at the level currently existing. IMO, he's not sufficiently healed from his past LTR to be a healthy partner yet. Consider it bad timing. It's up to you if you want to wait for better timing. There's also a chance that he will associate you with this painful healing period and wish to not have you around as a reminder of it once healed. I don't tend to see women that way but have been told that on a few occasions by women who've used me during their healing process, so I guess for some people it's an issue.
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