8ball_lynn Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I finally accessed his phone this morning. I saw "sexting", naked pics of a girl he works with, texts from another girl that texts "but your married" "i'm getting mixed signals" "you don't know what you what...". A whole mess of texts!! I am so angry and numb. I can't even cry right now... I am at work now and I will be confronting him when I get home. We were supposed to have a date night since we found a babysitter for the baby but it is going to be all fighting... I am nervous how it is going to go. I'm scared. I never really thought he would do it... I always thought I was being paranoid. Instincts are real and they should be trusted. Should I get him to admit it, catch him in a lie or just start yelling profanities??? Can a marriage recover from cheating? I don't think I can trust him ever again. It is hard when you have children. I only have one now and she is still very young. This is such a mess!!!!
CarrieT Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Should I get him to admit it, catch him in a lie or just start yelling profanities??? Can a marriage recover from cheating? I don't think I can trust him ever again. It is hard when you have children. I only have one now and she is still very young. This is such a mess!!!! What will yelling profanities gain you? Be calm, collected, and direct. Tell him what you found. Only you can know for yourself if you want to continue in the marriage. Some marriages recover from infidelities and others do not. It requires extensive therapy and transparency and contrition. He has to want to be completely open with you and show you EVERY hidden message and email if he wants to keep you. You might be better off without him if he is not willing to come clean and work it out. Best of luck to you.
aloneinnyc Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I am so sorry for you. I went through the same thing 4 months ago when I finally found evidence against my H. I found a note to himself called a "plan" that talked about how he was going to end his cheating because of a concern with getting caught. But the note didn't specifically say things got physical. Just said he "clearly wanted to" but couldn't because he couldn't do it in a "satisfactory way" because of concerns with detection. I didn't even think about how to handle it. I called him immediately and said what the hell is this? He was speechless, then ran home. Told me that they hadn't been physical yet but admitted he was thinking bad thoughts. Finally told me the truth days later -- after I kicked him out of the house -- that they had made out a few times already. So, my guess is your H will deny that they've been physical. Don't believe it -- no one has naked pictures of someone without having touched them first. And don't be afraid to kick him out. I have a 5-year-old son, and I was worried about him, but he's doing great four months into this separation. And I knew I needed this time to myself to process what happened. Take time to care for yourself and figure out what you want for you. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone. There are so many of us who are in the same boat. It sucks, but we'll make it. We deserve better.
scatterd Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Im sorry for you theirs sure alot of cheating going on but I am glad to hear you caught him.Stay strong and true to yourself.This is a horrible hurt i wish you the best.
KathyM Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It does so much irreparable harm to the wife and family. I would suggest using your date night to go some place private, such as for a walk in the park, and then calmly telling him that you found the pictures and text messages on his phone, and would like to know why he chose to betray you. Don't ask him to confirm what you already know to be the truth. He'll just try to whitewash it or minimize it, and make it sound like he was just joking around with someone and it didn't mean anything. Be confident about what you know. He cheated on you. What he did was cheating. Ask him why he chose to do that, and then tell him you can't live with a cheater. He'll probably then say he'll never do that again, he's so sorry, yada, yada. He's really just sorry that he was caught. I would suggest making plans to leave him. If you do decide to give him another chance, you will be in for a long road ahead, which will involve marriage counseling, accountability for his whereabouts at all times, full access to his phone and Email, and it better involve a lot of groveling by him and repeated promises that it will never happen again. Trust can only be rebuilt through full disclosure and admittance of culpability, sincere remorse, and totally trustworthy behavior over a period of years. Even then, I don't believe trust can be completely restored. I, for one, would not take him back if I were you.
2sunny Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 tell him - calmly - what you intend to DO. no need to fight. state your boundary that works for you - then have him follow your lead. hugs
2sure Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Many many of us here have stood in the shoes you are in today right now. Most of would have liked to have a Do-over of D-Day in hindsight and with the experience of everything that comes after that initital confrontation. As you navigate your way please keep in mind: YES. Recovery, reconciliation, and a better marriage can be the result . If you go right to aggressive Offense he going to have to defend himself aggressively - which will get you nowhere and nothing. I think this is good advice: Tell him what you know. Period. Ask no questions and answer no questions. Then one of you leaves for the night. In my experience, asking questions that I dont already know the answers to - was frustrating and his replies made me irrate. Tell him what you know, and then let him wonder what the hell is going on.
robf1971 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Then one of you leaves for the night. In my experience, asking questions that I dont already know the answers to - was frustrating and his replies made me irrate. Tell him what you know, and then let him wonder what the hell is going on. He cheated and she should leave? I think not. Actions are whats needed here. She should pack his stuff in boxes and put them in the driveway, stick a print out of their messages on the boxes also. All he will do is minimize, blameshift, and lie to her. Playing little bo peep to a cheater just enables them to continue, they need to realise their actions have consequences. If she doesn't do this he will continue to disrespect her.
y2k Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I finally accessed his phone this morning. I saw "sexting", naked pics of a girl he works with, texts from another girl that texts "but your married" "i'm getting mixed signals" "you don't know what you what...". A whole mess of texts!! I am so angry and numb. I can't even cry right now... I am at work now and I will be confronting him when I get home. We were supposed to have a date night since we found a babysitter for the baby but it is going to be all fighting... I am nervous how it is going to go. I'm scared. I never really thought he would do it... I always thought I was being paranoid. Instincts are real and they should be trusted. Should I get him to admit it, catch him in a lie or just start yelling profanities??? Can a marriage recover from cheating? I don't think I can trust him ever again. It is hard when you have children. I only have one now and she is still very young. This is such a mess!!!! Dump this creep ASAP. Recover your life. Get it back together. There are plenty of fish in the sea that you may find in the future. But nothing will go right for you until you dump this clown.
nyrias2 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 He cheated and she should leave? I think not. Actions are whats needed here. She should pack his stuff in boxes and put them in the driveway, stick a print out of their messages on the boxes also. If they own the house together, i doubt she has the grounds to throw him out.
mzdolphin Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 First let me say how sorry I am for you. Even if you suspect something, that initial shock, those intense feeling of betrayal are so painful. Find someone you truly trust, a sister, mother or best friend and lean on them, cry with them. Meanwhile plan. I know when you're in emotional hell, it's hard to think, but you have to figure out what type of husband you have. Sex addict? Playboy cheater? One-time offender? The multiple women hints to one of the first two. When I first discovered my husband cheating, I thought it was a one-time thing. Later on we discovered he was a sex addict and he sought treatment. I agreed to not divorce him while he was in rehab. Meanwhile I consulted a local list of the top divorce attorney's just in case. I did this based on a book called Surviving Infidelity. That book helped me make rational decisions during times that seemed irrational. You will get through this, with or without him.
mzdolphin Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 As for the children. That is tough. My son was only five at the time. Really hard. My ex husband at first was remorseful and trying to do the best for our son. I kicked him out, but he would come over at night to put my son to sleep. Then we explained that mommy and daddy would live in separate houses, but we loved him and we are still a family, but in two homes. Later, once money came in the picture my ex became more hostile and down right nasty. You're not at that stage yet, but it's coming. Fast forward 9 years and my son is happy and healthy. The ex has been through another ex wife and two live-in girlfriends since that time. I don't have nearly the money I had then (he had a few million), but I can say without hesitation I'm happier now. I sleep better, I've gotten my life back, my career back. I'm doing things that make me happy.
robf1971 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 If they own the house together, i doubt she has the grounds to throw him out. Maybe, but she needs to throw him out!! No consequences = no change
musemaj11 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 If they own the house together, i doubt she has the grounds to throw him out. Its probably his house.
Steadfast Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 (edited) I think this is good advice: Tell him what you know. Period. Ask no questions and answer no questions. Then one of you leaves for the night. In my experience, asking questions that I dont already know the answers to - was frustrating and his replies made me irrate. Tell him what you know, and then let him wonder what the hell is going on. Spot on. An old Lynyrd Skynyrd song says, "Don't ask me no questions and I won't tell you no lies". Sadly, that's the kind of reason many live by. Especially cheaters! Consider who you're dealing with. Any question you ask will be answered after considering how it will affect them. My ex would often answer "I don't know". She was right; she didn't know what to say right then to cover her ass. But she knew. We both did. Talk is cheap. For most who truly love their spouse and deeply desire to keep the family together, trying to fix it is the first and best option. Some are motivated by fear of loss more than true love. Find out where you are and after closely looking at his past behavior and nature, ask yourself if he's capable of change. Some people are worth the investment but many lack the substance required to make the changes needed to be successful. Sorry this has happened but you're far from alone. Keep your cool. Don't allow your actions to be dictated or controlled by other people's expectations. Be true to yourself. We rarely regret what we didn't say- Edited October 20, 2011 by Steadfast
nyrias2 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Maybe, but she needs to throw him out!! No consequences = no change Then find some other consequences. Obviously if he owns the house, she cannot legally throw him out. She can leave on her own though.
Owl Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Then find some other consequences. Obviously if he owns the house, she cannot legally throw him out. She can leave on her own though. Don't know if he does or doesn't own the house...so throwing him out remains an option (consequence) until the OP comes back and let's us know one way or another. She does need to sit down, think about boundaries, and consider consequences for violated boundaries. One of those could be his removal from the home, dependent upon local laws and ownership.
nyrias2 Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Don't know if he does or doesn't own the house...so throwing him out remains an option (consequence) until the OP comes back and let's us know one way or another. She does need to sit down, think about boundaries, and consider consequences for violated boundaries. One of those could be his removal from the home, dependent upon local laws and ownership. If they are married, it is most common to own the house jointly. But yeah, the OP should think about it, if it is a legal option.
musemaj11 Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 If they are married, it is most common to own the house jointly. Thats why marriage sucks. You work your arse off to purchase a house while your wife gets to own half of it without putting any money.
broken0 Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 I am going through the same thing so like all those before you who have experience betrayal, I know exactly how you feel. Just know that cheaters will cover one lie with another. Same thing with mine. I may never find out the truth from him but I found out the truth about his affair on my own accord. It hurts to know that you knew he was lying to you and but takes you for an idiot. Stay strong!
mzdolphin Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 Thats why marriage sucks. You work your arse off to purchase a house while your wife gets to own half of it without putting any money. Man, that's some bitter stuff you're chewing. Spit it out before you choke.
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