k100danny Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 so me and my ex broke up two months ago, she split up with me. basically i was very anxious int he realtionship and this could have scared her off, she had been out of a long term relationship for a year when we got together and everything started fine, she didnt seem to have any worries and introduced me to family and friends ect early on, i became quite jealous and anxious i have an anxious attachment style. so in the end i think this made her pull back and say she wasnt ready for a full on relationship or maybe she just wasnt. anyway.. i was very much in contact after the relationship ended and i think this only pushed her further and further away, going over things again and again. we have only seen each other twice since splitting up and then we arranged coffee for last week and everything seemed to go well, we were laughing and joking ect and only small things about the relationship came up but all in all i think we both felt comfortable. and upon leaving i said let me know if you are free again and maybe we can meet up to which she said im free on monday so we can meet then? after this first meeting i started asking questions (i know i shouldnt have) i asked if she was sleeping with someone and she said no (i know she probably wouldnt tell me yes) she said she had kissed this guy twice, he wasnt her type but was a nice guy, said she doesnt have time for a relationship and isnt looking for one, he had asked her out and she had agreed but it never happened, she said she didnt really want to go if she was honest. sooo i know i shouldnt have asked this and it did hurt quite a bit as i tend to blame myself for pushing her away even though she probably did do some things to make me jealous. So after this we havent chatted a lot just breifly then i saw her in a club a few days later, i knew she was going to be there with mutal friends and it is the regular place i go to, i used to work there. we acknowledge each other and say hi but i feel slightly awkward and leave. upon leaving once out of the club i check my phone and am stood for a monent when i hear people behind me, i turn and it is my ex with two guys. i had seem them all out together, anyway the guys are getting in a cab and she is hugging one of then, i think she kissed him well this is what i first though andway but i have since found out it is one of our friends / her best friends little brother so it could just have been a hug/kiss goodbye as i dont think she would start something with her friends brother. and she walks back in the club. I tell her the next day nice to see you out last night and she says she was so drunk, i said i felt a bit awkward because you walked out of the club behind me and im sure you were kissing some guy!! she says some guys? i dont remember some guys, she says i went out with (her friends brother/ and his friend) but i dont remember any guys. she didnt say she wasnt kissing him but this may be down to her feeling she doesnt have to answer to me. anyway we have the chance of going for coffee today, she clearly feels comfortable coming to see me again probably in a friendly guilty way. should i go? i clearly still ahve some feelings but im sure she has moved on fully. i would like to think we could get back together and everything be the same but i know after the way i acted ect and pushed her away and she moved on this is probably not going to happen. should i go and play it cool? or should i decline and just try to get over her?
january2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I vote no. You'll probably just get more anxious and over-think it. Go NC.
eleanorhurting Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 no. but you probably will anyway and maybe you need to. There are only so many times we put each other through the pain until we hit rock bottom and decide not to do it anymore.
KathyM Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 so me and my ex broke up two months ago, she split up with me. basically i was very anxious int he realtionship and this could have scared her off, she had been out of a long term relationship for a year when we got together and everything started fine, she didnt seem to have any worries and introduced me to family and friends ect early on, i became quite jealous and anxious i have an anxious attachment style. so in the end i think this made her pull back and say she wasnt ready for a full on relationship or maybe she just wasnt. anyway.. i was very much in contact after the relationship ended and i think this only pushed her further and further away, going over things again and again. we have only seen each other twice since splitting up and then we arranged coffee for last week and everything seemed to go well, we were laughing and joking ect and only small things about the relationship came up but all in all i think we both felt comfortable. and upon leaving i said let me know if you are free again and maybe we can meet up to which she said im free on monday so we can meet then? after this first meeting i started asking questions (i know i shouldnt have) i asked if she was sleeping with someone and she said no (i know she probably wouldnt tell me yes) she said she had kissed this guy twice, he wasnt her type but was a nice guy, said she doesnt have time for a relationship and isnt looking for one, he had asked her out and she had agreed but it never happened, she said she didnt really want to go if she was honest. sooo i know i shouldnt have asked this and it did hurt quite a bit as i tend to blame myself for pushing her away even though she probably did do some things to make me jealous. So after this we havent chatted a lot just breifly then i saw her in a club a few days later, i knew she was going to be there with mutal friends and it is the regular place i go to, i used to work there. we acknowledge each other and say hi but i feel slightly awkward and leave. upon leaving once out of the club i check my phone and am stood for a monent when i hear people behind me, i turn and it is my ex with two guys. i had seem them all out together, anyway the guys are getting in a cab and she is hugging one of then, i think she kissed him well this is what i first though andway but i have since found out it is one of our friends / her best friends little brother so it could just have been a hug/kiss goodbye as i dont think she would start something with her friends brother. and she walks back in the club. I tell her the next day nice to see you out last night and she says she was so drunk, i said i felt a bit awkward because you walked out of the club behind me and im sure you were kissing some guy!! she says some guys? i dont remember some guys, she says i went out with (her friends brother/ and his friend) but i dont remember any guys. she didnt say she wasnt kissing him but this may be down to her feeling she doesnt have to answer to me. anyway we have the chance of going for coffee today, she clearly feels comfortable coming to see me again probably in a friendly guilty way. should i go? i clearly still ahve some feelings but im sure she has moved on fully. i would like to think we could get back together and everything be the same but i know after the way i acted ect and pushed her away and she moved on this is probably not going to happen. should i go and play it cool? or should i decline and just try to get over her? Decline and try to get over her. I think she's put you in the FZ at this point, and nothing more will come from it. You've shown yourself to have a dealbreaker (unnaturally jealous, clingy and possessive), so I doubt she'd consider you for anything more at this point. I think it would be best to accept that you blew it with this one, and start looking towards establishing a connection with someone new. But I would suggest getting counseling to get control of your jealousy and insecurity, because those issues will ruin your next relationship as well if you continue to be like that. It seems right now you don't have control of yourself, since you knew your jealousy is what caused your breakup, but you still cross examined her and behaved the same way after you saw her at the club. See a counselor so you can stop this self-defeating behavior, or it will ruin your next relationship as well.
EgoJoe Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Decline and try to get over her. I think she's put you in the FZ at this point, and nothing more will come from it. You've shown yourself to have a dealbreaker (unnaturally jealous, clingy and possessive), so I doubt she'd consider you for anything more at this point. I think it would be best to accept that you blew it with this one, and start looking towards establishing a connection with someone new. But I would suggest getting counseling to get control of your jealousy and insecurity, because those issues will ruin your next relationship as well if you continue to be like that. It seems right now you don't have control of yourself, since you knew your jealousy is what caused your breakup, but you still cross examined her and behaved the same way after you saw her at the club. See a counselor so you can stop this self-defeating behavior, or it will ruin your next relationship as well. While bad to display it openly without processing it logically. Those feelings of jealousy etc. are natural so don't be ashamed. I don't know how old you two are but I know that you need to go cold on this broad and go to therapy. Read more about being a man, talk to your Dad if he's around, talk to older Uncles, Brothers and do things for yourself. When she calls, ignore it for awhile. You need to get over her before anything else can happen and you will probably not want it by then anyways. She can't put you in the friendzone if you don't allow it, don't forget that. Healthy men have healthy boundaries and attract healthy women.
Author k100danny Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 thanks for the advice. Im 29 and so is she. I am currently in therapy for my anxiety issues, i have panic disorder. and i will be bringing up my anxious attachment issues aswell. hopefully to better prepare myself for the future. It is funny you should mention speaking to my dad as something that came up very early is that my dad is avoidant, we are not close and due to certain things i havent seemed to develop emotional coping strategies that most seem to growing up.
joseph17 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Good job. I like to see people working and improving themselves it's awesome. As far as going to meet up with her I'd have to say know. Bad idea since you apparently still have feelings just move on.
lalalandman Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You need to realize your value. By hanging out with her while simutaneously acknowledging her crass behavior, you are devaluing yourself. Don't do it.
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