I was so unhappy in the relationship, but this break up is killing me

[Doona]

Hi guys.

 

I'm new to this group, would love to have someone else's perspective on my ex's situation.

 

My ex and I had been together for 3.5 years and we lived together for 1.5 years. Our relationship had never been the best, and I often found myself fantasising about a better man, that would treat me the way I deserved to be treated. My ex works in the hotel industry, which means we hardly got to see eachother because he was always working, this took its toll on our relationship. In November last year we had a fight and he said that he wanted to break up, he said he wanted to have time on his own and experience new things in life. I was very shocked by this and very heart broken, he is not the kind guy who is very social, he doesn't have many friends and before we were together he did not go out and party alot. I convinced him to stay with me and we can do things together, I didn't understand why he had to be alone ( I'm 25 years old and he is 2 years younger than me) I have had my days of travelling the world and living with friends and partying, enjoying the single life. Anyway, we carried on with our relationship, but it was never the same.

 

I know I have been unhappy in this relationship for a while, but I did not want to deal with the pain of a break up, I have done it before and I did not want to go through it again. About three weeks ago we had a fight as he said he was going to Singapore for a holiday with his family, he only told me about it a week before he was going to leave, he had already applied to get leave from work. I didn't understand why he didn't tell me when he first found out, as we live together, so I should know. He then told me he still felt that same way as he did last year, he wants to be on his own and have a single life, as he had not really had one before (before we moved in together, he was living with his parents, I moved out of my parents place when I was 17). I was heart broken and did not want to break up, we hardly saw eachother before his holiday as he was working night shift, but he was being very offish to me. While he was in Singapore I realised I was not strong enough to go through another break up, so I wanted to stay with him (I know this is not a good reason to stay with someone). We spoke on skype everyday while he was away, some days he was really nice, other days he was really offish. When he got back he was nice to me (still not the same as before), so I had some hope we would sort things out, as I do really love him. Everything was going ok, up until last week Wednesday, he became very offish to me, I was too scared to confront him as I knew he would probably break up with me. Eventually on Friday I could not take it any longer, so I told him he cant do this to me, he must be nice to me or mean to me, he cant switch between the two. He said that nothing has changed and he still feels the same way as before, so I had to accept it. We spoke the next day (Saturday) and we broke up, I said I still wanted to be with him, but it did not change anything.

 

I was so upset and he did not even shed one tear, that hurt me even more. Did he not even care about me? We were together for 3.5 years! What makes it worse is that we still have to live together, Im very scared to stay by myself as someone broke into our flat, so he said he would stay there so I can sleep better. Waking up next to your ex, only a few days after you break up is so painful, he sometimes as he leg over me and cuddles me as if we were still together (he does it in his sleep, so I know he doesn't mean it). I feel like Im going crazy, I wake up in the morning and just cry. I will eventually go to a friends or something and they will make me feel a bit better, but then I wake up feeling the same the next day. I cant eat or sleep properly, I'm having such bad anxiety over everything. I went out on Saturday night and when he got home from work, he saw that I wasn't at home he tried to call me twice and then sent a text saying please let me know if your ok, I gave in and replied to him. I don't understand why he would even care about where I was. All my friends are saying hes going to regret his decision, I don't know if they just saying that to make me feel better.

 

I have been trying to keep myself busy and think positively, but its so hard, I wish the pain and heart ache would go away. Deep down inside I know this break up was for the best as I was not happy, but why does that not make me feel any better?

[Million.to.1]

You need to find somewhere to stay to stop making this situation harder on yourself. The soon and cleaner you make the break the better. Try no contact for awhile and give tyourself the time get your head straight. This relationship doesn't sound healthly and the reasons you are giving for hanging around and letting it drag on are just your fears of being alone.

Breaking up is tough, but you WILL get over it and move on if you make the steps, and it doesn't really seem like it's up to you anymore anyway.

 

Why would you shut yourself off from the possibility of a different wonderful relationship which is fun and rich and gives you what you need just so you don't go through a break-up?!?

 

Your logic is really quite dysfunctional. I hope you sort it out and can let go of your Ex who clearly wants his own space and is being incredibly patient with you IMO. Focus on your own life, what you need and get busy with it.

[Leegh]

Possibly if you both had some time apart from each other, such as a month or two, so that both of you can sort through your feelings. Would he be agreeable if you moved in with a girlfriend, or if you got a roommate to replace him? I think the current living situation now is not wise, as there are too many emotions involved. I really liked a guy that I worked with several years ago, (nothing ever became of it), but it's very hard emotionally when you have to see the person everyday. Are you renting a flat, possibly you could get out of your lease and move to another flat to get some clarity?