mathompson04 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) In a nutshell, I got married to my guy friend, "Jim", about 3 years ago. From the beginning, our relationship was doomed because he kept secrets about himself (i.e. he's bi-sexual), and I wasn't the most nurturing wife at times. I gave him no reason to keep secrets from me—that was a personal insecurity of his. I would get angry a lot because he has never respected me. My weight has always been a sensitive issue between us two. He told me many times that me being plus-sized doesn't matter because he loves who I am on the inside. () After realizing a couple years ago that I was being a $hitty wife, I began working on controlling my anger, and being an all-around better person since I'm a firm believer in Karma. About two years ago, we purchased a "fixer-upper" house. What a mistake! For a long time we were stressed but still trudged on; pumping every dollar we had into the house because of the potential fortune we would make when it sold. Two years later, things were falling into place and we both seemed happy for once in a long time. One night in March, I dropped the "D" word while we were having a fight about my weight. We agreed a divorce was inevitable since he admitted that he can't give me the respect I deserve. However, we never discussed seeing other people. He started sleeping in the basement, but we still had meals together, grocery shopped together, spent time together, and still had sex. He said he loved me. By definition, we were still a couple. In late June, "Jim" started acting suspiciously out of character. I hacked into his e-mail and found several love letters that "Jim" had written to "Julie", and several others from her. My heart dropped in my chest. I couldn't believe that the man who said he loved me would do such a thing?! Immediately after—I showed him that I had uncovered his dirty little secret, he was remorseful, respectful and sweet for once. He admitted the whole thing was selfish and wrong. We saw a counselor later that day. Twice since then, he ended things with "Julie", but have since started their fling back up. (To my knowledge, their affair is emotionally romantic, not sexual). This was all several months ago, and things really haven't gotten much better. Turns out their fling had been going on for months before I threatened divorce. I feel as if I'm at the end of my rope, and my jealously of "Julie" has gotten worse day by day. "Jim" says he's in love with "Julie", which absolutely kills me. He says he cannot begin to fathom the emotional pain I am experiencing, and he's trying to be my friend. With "Jim" trying to be my friend, I only want him back more! Beyond the feeling of worthlessness, ugliness, anger, jealously and crippling depression, I have nobody to talk to. The only therapist I can afford pushes anti-depressants (that I can't afford) and urges me to 'get over him'. As for my family, my father has made death threats towards "Jim". Both of my parents have demanded several times that I divorce immediately, sell my house, and move the 200 miles back home. I would pack up and move if only my house weren't completely unsellable. Over half of the house is uninhabitable. Additionally, "Jim" and I took the First Time Home-buyer Tax Credit in 2009, in which we must own the house for 3 years or we must pay back the $8,000. So I'm literally trapped in this house-of-hell until August 2012. I'm finding it impossible to not be jealous of "Julie". I try to clear my mind, but their affair is all I think about. My husband is in love with his mistress, and I feel like an afterthought. "Julie" has three kids, a husband, and two lovers. Yes, TWO lovers, including my husband. She will get off entirely scot-free from this $hitty situation that she helped create. I know my divorce was inevitable in a year or two, but the extra blow from "Jim"s affair was like a cheap kick in the crotch. "Jim" denies now that he cheated since we agreed that divorce was inevitable in the far future. To me, however, it feels like he cheated since we are still married, never discussed seeing other people, and we still do things as a couple. Where can I go for help that doesn't involve church or expensive therapy? What's your take on all this? Edited October 17, 2011 by mathompson04 typo
Space Ritual Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Yep I agree with you believing in Karma... looks like you got a nice dose of it after hinting at divorce and living as roomates...careful what you wish for. Pretty terrible communication skills on both your parts. Looks like he checked out a long time ago. Frankly, if my Father In Law subjected me to death threats I'd take that seriously enough that I would have cut you out of my life 100 percent regardless of any marital problems. You are responsible for 50 percent of the marital problems, along with Jim. He owns the cheating aspect of it. However once again, allowing him to live in the house as a roommate after you declaring divorce was imminent is totally on you. you chose NO ACTION...WHICH IS A CHOICE Mixed signals like that tend to end people up in the situation you are in now... But I would suggest you seek some IC as soon as possible.
Author mathompson04 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 (edited) I agree with you SpaceRitual... I believe a lot of this is karma coming back to bite me for being a crappy girlfriend and wife a few years ago. I've urged him TWICE to move in with one of his sisters here in town, but he is a very private person. He refuses to buy his own undergarments out of embarrassment! I think he's ashamed to admit to his sisters that we're separated, and his affair and secret keeping were big factors, so he won't budge. So really, I don't have a choice and DID TAKE ACTION by asking him to move out. The man is stubborn just like me! This is without-a-doubt the hardest thing I've experienced in my life; living with your psudo-ex as roommates while he's still with his mistress. I would move out, but I have no friends and no family here in town. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized that "Jim" is not the same man I married, we're not right for each other, and we're both equally responsible for the failure of this marriage. I just need advice on how to cope with the jealousy and the loneliness since counseling isn't helping and I can't afford a different therapist (no, I don't have health insurance). Scrutiny is the last thing I need! Edited October 18, 2011 by mathompson04
Author mathompson04 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 So the question still remains:did he cheat? Or was it not technically cheating because we agreed to get a divorce in the future?
marty7 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 deal with the living arrangements. many people are trapped in this housing mess. you need to emotionally move on. do what is best for your health, and that is to move on, even if it is under the same roof
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