Same Same but Different... Will it work?

[Million.to.1]

I've been reading a lot here for the last couple of weeks. Ive decided to post my own story as there are some excellent advice givers here and I really need some objective advice for my current situation.

 

My boyfriend (31) and I (32) met one month before I was about to go away to work on a boat for 5 months. We had a whirlwind romance as everything was intensified due to the fact that I was leaving and our time was limited. It was incredible. We had so much fun and felt extremely at home with one another from the very beginning. From first sight - it was on.

When I left, we left it open as we kinda had to, as 5 months is a long time and I didn't expect him to wait for me or anything. Due to current technology, we were able to txt/chat regularly and did so for sometimes hours while i was away.

 

He is very social and a drinker, always out and has stacks of friends. I was always slightly concerned about how much he drinks, not because he gets messy, but because it's often, excessive and he spends alot. And while i was away of course, it was difficult as I was paranoid that he would meet someone else while swanning around bars and living it up as he does.. But No. After a month of endless chatting and me saying i needed to step back due to my workload and my paronoia, his solution was committing to me. So we started our "relationship" while being separated by an ocean and 4 months of waiting before even touching again.

 

It's been a long time since I have had a serious relationship. 7 years in fact. I've dated, had brief romances, but nothing serious. The job on the boat was awful and I hated it. So after another month, I quit and came home to a very happy boy. Since I have been back, almost 2 months now, It's been up and down. Mostly up's, but it wasn't all rainbows. There are a couple of underlying issues that arise and make us both doubt whether we can make a real go of it, and i guess we keep dancing around these doubts cause we both really really like each other.

 

The first is his drinking and constant need be a every social gathering. I like going out, but keeping up with him is exhausting.

 

The second is my stupid biological clock that subconsciously drives and motivates alot of my behavior and feelings about certain things. I am aware of this and try to keep myself in check, but It's hard. I have a deep seeded need to nest and prepare my body for the next stage in my life which is hopefully love, a home and babies. I have a real fear that I am never going to have this and I feel time is a bit of a factor too.

We are still new and I don't know the future, but I don't feel I have time to just "cruise" along in a "fun" relationship if there is not a real desire for a future, together. I'm not talking about promises, just a desire. Being a man he doesn't have to think 5 years ahead like I do, so he can relax, but I feel pressure to find a mate who wants what I want. I wouldn't be with him if I didn't see a future with him. I know he wants to be with me now, but i worry he doesn't see me as a future prospect. Maybe he does, it's early days.

 

We have different religious views also. He is a christian, his father a pastor even. He does not go to church, or hasn't since I have known him, but he still has those fundamental beliefs values and it is part of his family, work and social environment. He doesn't practice all the Christian values such as "no sex before marriage" and honestly, you'd never think he was a Christian unless you asked specific questions about his belief system.

I'm agnositic, if you want to put a box around it, but will never believe in a religious regiment of any kind.

We don't really talk about it, apart from the odd joke here and there, but I know it's a slight concern for us both if we were really looking ahead long term.

 

... And looking ahead affects actions today.

 

What should I do? We have so much fun together, there is so much good banter and connection between us and we can't keep our hands off each other. The more time I spend with him the more I fall for him. He is a great guy and an awesome catch. We make each other really happy.

I don't want to leave him, but I'm scared I'm just delaying the inevitable because of these factors.

 

Can we over come these issues or am I just kidding myself and wasting precious time ?

 

>

[LSgirl]

I feel the same way with you. My boyfriend of 9 months loves to go out and socialize and LOVES to drink, he's very generous and will buy all his friends drinks too and waste money. While he knows he drinks a lot, he tries sometimes to not drink as much but it just goes back to drinking. I'm more reserved and don't mind going to bars once in awhile, but I also sometimes fear he'll meet someone when he's out at local bars as he's a very handsome guy, but at the end of the day I trust him.

 

However, both me and my bf are agnostic so religion is not a problem. But if he's not a practicing Christian, I don't think it would be a big issue or a dealbreaker, but that's just me. I'm on the same boat where he loves hanging out with me now, but I don't think he thinks far ahead with a future with me as I do. While I'm 26 and not thinking about babies, I'd like to think me and him were on the same boat but I question his commitment (due to his broken heart from his past relationship). I have other issues in addition to his drinking that I won't discuss. In the meantime, for what other people have told me is to stay with him if he makes you happy. Mines are mostly ups with him, too, and I've grown to be stronger with him and more tolerant, but I don't want to let his behavior slide either. Maybe you can be with him but be open to meeting others? I can't do that as when I'm in a relationship it means I'm committed to only him. At your age, I would be thinking the same thing you are as settling down and having a family. The only thing I can think of it is to tell him what you are looking for and see what he says. It may be uncomfortable for him especially if he's not in the same mindset as you, but its the only way to find out. Talking to my bf (but getting an answer I didnt like) was the only way to find out that he felt differently than I did, it's awful to hear the truth, but the truth will set you free. As for as me, I've decided to stay with my boyfriend. I can't imagine myself with anyone else, knowing that I'm happy and that I make him happy, I hope both of our bfs will come around in time and commit to us. I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer you but that you're not the only one. It's up to you if you want to spend more time with somebody who may never commit to you or wait for it. I would definitely talk to him though.

[Million.to.1]

Thanks LSgirl.. We have spoken a bit about a few of these issues. But sometimes I just feel it's too early to start putting any pressure on about the "future"

 

He has a very "i don't know" attitude about the future, preferring to just take it as it comes, which is good, but when he makes decisions, like going on holiday, and not asking me if I wanted to go I freak out that he doesn't consider me and then we end up having a conversation that I know he doesn't want to have.

 

I should also mention that we met only 2 months after his last LTR. (2 yrs) He just got lost in a sea of socialising and booze to really spend any time getting over it and moving on properly. She cheated on him, by kissing someone else, but from what I can gather from the story, she was feeling pretty insecure about the relationship due to his nonchalance towards her. She now has a new boyfriend. He still stays in touch with her via every social media site except facebook... they only one I use. strange? I kinda makes me a bit uncomfortable TBH, but I dont know that's that is really justified, or just me being stupid.

 

Maybe he is still not really over her, I don't know.

 

He knows how i feel about his drinking. I believe he really wants to make an effort to control it more, but it's an ongoing thing...

[LSgirl]

wow we really are in the exact same boat. Me and my bf met 2 months after his 8 year relationship (they were engaged) but she cheated on him and moved in with somebody else and they keep in touch maybe once or twice every few months (from what he tells me) I absolutely hate it but I try not to show any jealousy. I also don't like pressing him, and the 3 times I have brought up serious future topics, he got really distant and uncomfortable. He also makes vacations without including me, and it hurts me. I would think he'd want to spend those holidays with me instead of his friends. Another note, he's never told me he loves me (the last argument we had a couple weeks ago, he's just not in that place and in no rush since his last relationship) It hurts me a lot, but he's in the place where he should be, still healing and moving on and I know I've helped him a lot, but I can't expect him to give me everything he gave her at least not right now, he has a wall up. It's my decision to stay with him and I may regret it.

 

He also knows how I feel about his drinking, he can tell when I'm disappointed and he only wants to see me happy. He tries sometimes, but it doesn't last, otherwise he's a great boyfriend. Below is an advice that somebody sent me, it made me feel really good to read it so I hope you'll like it:

 

Hi there

I never reply to posts, but in a way I can feel your pain and I thought I could help shed some light. I am a 29 yr old male and I can relate to your bf. Not because I am closed to love, but rather because I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. And as with growing up and experience’s, what makes you mature also as a by product build walls around your heart ( which is natural, but it need not be that way ).

 

1. Don’t blame him for the way he feels, or for the walls around his heart. It’s natural for everyone to protect themselves

2. Don’t pressurize the situation with any thoughts about what if he doesn’t love me, what if he will never love me? What if he breaks up with me, and I can’t detach from him? Regardless of what happens, you need to let go of the illusion of control. Yes everyone can control a situation to a certain extent. But if you accept that what will be will be, you will feel a little lighter on your feet. Appreciate that love is not something some has to give you, or should give you, or must give you. But although it is something that you would like to receive from the other person don’t crave it. If you give out love, without need to receive it. You will receive it. You will feel happier in yourself just for your new found view

3. Don’t worry about bringing out the conversation. You don’t need to hear the word love. But you will see it in his actions. As guarded as he maybe, he may feel pressurised to love you. This does not help anyone. Hence if you follow point 2, and give love, he will come around in time. And if he does not, at least you know that for your part, you were a loving individual and you expended your love on someone you felt was worth it, and you were happier for it!

4. Look within yourself to become happier. Find your issues, and resolve them. All external issues are derived from inner turmoil. As Gandhi once said ” Don’t change the world, change yourself”. If you change yourself, and your view, then you will see the world through a clearer glass, rather then one steamy and foggy by your very own perception and issues ( not issue issues, but rather parts of you mind that isn’t quite right yet). If you do become a happier person, then it will help him get out of his rut. He will concentrate less on trying to love you, and more on life and his time with you.

5. Love is often found when you not looking for it. That’s because when we not looking for it, we are not looking for acceptance. When we not looking for acceptance we are ourselves. If everyone looking for acceptance was just themselves, they would find love easier. This is because we are all unique and beautiful in our own little way, and when we stop trying to be something we ain’t in order to be accepted, we find that people realise us for our uniqueness, and all of a sudden, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Everyone becomes a ripe fruit of life.

I do hope my words will make a difference to you. Like you, I have my own issues as well. I am not completely happy, and I have a separate path to you and anyone else. I accept this and I will get there. But never think you are alone with the way you feel. There is always someone out there going through the same issue as you.

My advice to you would be. You are never alone and thing will ALWAYS get better. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Stop trying to find it. But there is such a thing as love. It needs to be cultivated by both individuals to harness the good points and bad points of the other person which will help you make the relationship as best you can. Always strive for perfection, knowing you may never attain it. But if you strive for it, you continuously moving forward. And who can argue with that?

[Million.to.1]

That is good advice. What a nice Guy.