AMC16 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Quick facts.. I am 24 she is 27. Weve been dating for 3 1/2 months, Official for about 2 months. Semi long distant, we live about 1 hour and 15 minutes away. About 3 weeks ago, her older sister needed to have surgery to have half of her thyroid removed. She spent about a week and a half with her at their parents house because her older sister couldnt drive or do much on her own. Didn't see her for about 2 1/2 weeks until Columbus day weekend (last weekend) when we spent Sunday and Monday together. It went awesome and we spent great time together. This past Wednesday, she found out her sister had thyroid cancer (shes very close to her sister). She went to see her sister after she found out, but when I talked to her, she said she was going to back home to her house (she lives, alone) so I drove late at night to spend the night with her because I didnt want her to be alone after such bad news. She was so happy and glad that I did and was very happy to have me there. Fast-forward to Saturday Oct 10/16 (yesterday). We went to a wedding together and were having a good time. After the wedding she said she felt bad and was worried because she feels like this whole thing isnt fair to me. She said she feels like all of her efforts are focused on her sister and her family and that its early in the relationship and its not fair that I don't get her full attention and that shes almost afraid that I'll break up with her because of it. I told her it wasn't a big deal and we went to her house and she told me how amazing I was and everything she liked me. She admitted her life was a roller coast ride right now, because when she saw me so was so happy but when I wasnt there she was on a low because of her sister. She also said this time was a bit of a role reversal for her. She said her sister NEVER cried, so seeing her cry was hard to see because no one has ever really seen her cry (she often jokes that her sister is dead inside). She said its hard for her because she has to be the tough one which she is used to and at times she can hide it on the outside but has a cried a couple of times alone at her apartment. We were laying there and this is what I am worried about and I may have screwed up. I was about to leave because she knew I couldnt stay that night, however, she looked so down and out of it (which she has never looked like before through any of her sisters problems, so on my way out the door I decided to stay because I was a little worried how down she looked).. She told me she didnt want me to stay later because she was worried I might be tired driving home or if I stayed over, she didnt want me to be tired for work I had to go to this morning. This is when I told her that I understand its not my problem, however, I care about you (first feelings I have expressed for her) and dont want you to be alone through it. We kind of went back and forth a couple of times about her being worried about me staying, however, I went back in and laid down with her and we talked a little more. She still looked sad and told her I didnt want to leave her alone feeling like this. She didnt want me to stay for that reason, that she would be ok, however, after I reassured her that wasnt the reason, I stayed over. I thought she may just be tired so I thought things may be different in the morning. When we woke up this morning, she was still sad and kind of blah/ out of it. Thinking she may have been upset because maybe I should have taken the hint to leave when she said she was worried about me falling asleep driving home (which i have done before) or that I would be tired for work this morning if I stayed over (which she said you dont have to do again, you did it earlier in the week and I just want you to know how much I appreciate you), I asked her if I did something wrong. She was kind of shocked or surprised when I said that and she said absolutely not. She said I gave her "sad eyes" and all I said is I'm worried about you and I don't like seeing you sad. She said sorry and she said that she is a happy person when not dealing with this (which she is). I am just worry that I may have ruined things or made things worse. Maybe she was trying to give me a hint to leave, or maybe didnt want me to stay because she admitted earlier in the night how much she appreciates what I do for her and afraid that she might lose me because she feels like all of her focus is on her sister and not towards me, other people and other stuff in her life. I don't want to overstep my boundaries, I just told her she has my support and I am there for her. This is the FIRST time in our 4 months that she has been sad during our time spent together, so I am thinking maybe if I just left when she was giving me the "hint" (if you guys think it was a hint) this wouldnt be a problem right now. What do you guys think?
AHardDaysNight Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It's very clear that she was depressed over her sister having cancer. You're probably right, in that she wanted to be alone, and you wouldn't let her. I don't have any advice, other than to say that you should be there for her, but also give her some space.
Author AMC16 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Well if there is a good part, its that the cancer is 97% curable it appears. There may always be an outside chance of remission or it spreading, however, maybe the anticipation of the surgery and the 2-3 days of her being hospitalized are definitely stressful.
FitChick Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Tell her you realize she is overwhelmed at the moment so she shouldn't feel guilty ignoring you for a while until her sister gets sorted out. Give her the positive news about the outcome of this type of cancer and how you are sure her sister will be fine soon. If she needs to see you or to talk to you, then she should call and you feel comfortable with not hearing from her, knowing about her circumstances. The last things she needs to worry about is being your emotional caretaker as well as her sister's. She probably is struggling with guilt regarding her sister as well and how she has treated her and spoken about her in the past.
Feelin Frisky Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I know someone who will have some advice on this. I lerv her--thyroid or no thyroid.
Pasttense Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 OP, I think you did the right thing. Reading what you said she said, I don't see how "you ruined things or made things worse" in any respect. On the other hand if you had done the opposite, and had not been there for her, I think she could have come to the conclusion that your relationship was just a casual one for you.
Author AMC16 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Best thing to do is just lay low and give her some space, right?
Author AMC16 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) Anyone? Do I let her come to me and just lay back until she does? Edited October 17, 2011 by AMC16
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