stargazer5466 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I have been divorced for a year, after a 10 year marriage. I have done my time alone, and I am ready to move on... I have a great guy friend who is going through a 18 yr. divorce, which will be final next month. We have been acquainted for for 8 years, and have always had an attraction for each other. Recently (a couple of months ago), I found out about the separation, and we started talking a lot. I have really fallen head over heels. He seemed to fel the same...at first. He says he absolutely doesn't love his ex anymore, and is positive she has a BF. They have been legally separated, living apart, and haven't had sex in over a year. He was the one who filed for the divorce, right after he and I started talking. He had at first told me he would like to "date" me as soon as his divorce is final, and assured me that there was no one else he is interested in...but he also says I scare him. Thing is, he is so hot and cold. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. We don't actually get to see each other very often. He is trying to play by the rules and be a good boy until after the divorce. I respect that. I don't push. I have let him have his space. We talk (or text) a couple of times a week. I almost always let him initiate it. Every time we have got to hang out together, things are fun and great, then he calls the next day freaked out. First time he says he felt "guilty." Guilty for what? Even throughout the long separation he has been "faithful" to "her". Next time he freaked, he says he is confused and scared. Last time he did it, he says he is scared of me, and that he is not ready to get serious, and I should date other people. WTH? I don't WANT to date anyone else! That has been 3 weeks ago, and we have barely talked since. This is KILLING me. I am crazy about this man, and I wish I knew if I stand a chance. I know he is still hurting, and I am trying to be patient. Is this hopeless?
carson2002 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 As a guy in the same position as the man you want (seperated after 30 years - not my choice) i'd say be patient. I've just begun a new relationship with a great woman - she's caring funny and smart and i know that she loves me to bits but I still occasionally feel guilty about being with her and i don't really know why, i certainly don't want my cheating liar of an ex LOL but it's difficult to commit after your hearts been ground into a mush. There is always a sense of fear that you will have to go through it again floating around in the background. He may also be worried about hurting you, i certainly don't want to be the person to cause the kind of pain that i went through to anyone and this may be holding him back if he's not ready to commit fully yet He may also have got used to being on his own after the massive upheavals in his life and the thought of having to suddenly think about being with someone else, their needs and going through more upheavels can be a bit daunting. All i would say is be honest with each other about what you want and what your fears are and take it slowly. if you can communicate and work through each of the problems as they occour you'll come out better the other side. After all if he really means that much to you you should be able to wait. Rushing him could drive him away or force him to commit to something he's not sure about either way neither of you will be happy then. You also have to face the fact that he may not be ready at all for what you want and you need to ask yourself whether you're happy to accept less than your expecting for now until he catches up. If your not then it may not be worth pursuing this relationship any further.
joseph17 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I think in this situation I think he is not ready. It takes time to heal after a long marriage and him still feeling guilty being with you says he still does have some feelings for his ex wife. I would leave this one alone if I were you unless you want to go through having to rebuild this man. I know after my divorce it was hard for me to trust another woman for a long time and the possibility of a serious relationship was outta the question. So if you want wait for him to heal which could be a very long time. GOOD LUCK
Feelin Frisky Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 He sounds neurotic. There's a whole bunch of junk in his head that sums up to some kind of guilt complex. It may indeed be hopeless. You can't change that kind of quirkiness and he seems too invested in it to fight to be free of it. I'm sorry.
Diogenes Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It's probably too early for him, I'm coming off 24 years of marriage and I'm giving myself a year off simply because I don't think I could go through it again and hold it all together. I'd leave him alone and just contact him from time to time, when he's ready he'll let you know.
Author stargazer5466 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I am more than willing to be patient. Very patient. This one is worth it, but I know he still has a lot to go through emotionally. I am ok spending great deals of time alone, and am not the clingy type of woman who needs someone in my face all the time. I was just wondering if there is hope, or if is it hopeless? Most of ya'll have given me hope not to give up. Thanks
Fleur de Lis Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It could also be that after 18 years of marriage he simply does not want to prematurely jump into a "serious" relationship. You need to listen to the part where he says he is not ready to get serious. That is nothing against you and may not be evidence of any type of character flaw or defect, but may just be his desire to be unattached while he adjusts to life after an 18 year marriage. It sounds to me like he simply wants to be cautious. Perhaps he needs time to analyze exactly where he wants to go from here, exactly what he wants and needs in a partner, and try to ensure that he "gets it right" next time around. Would you prefer to be a "rebound" relationship or one where he carefully thought things out prior to entering a relationship with you?
dontKnowMe Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 It could also be that after 18 years of marriage he simply does not want to prematurely jump into a "serious" relationship. You need to listen to the part where he says he is not ready to get serious. That is nothing against you and may not be evidence of any type of character flaw or defect, but may just be his desire to be unattached while he adjusts to life after an 18 year marriage. It sounds to me like he simply wants to be cautious. Perhaps he needs time to analyze exactly where he wants to go from here, exactly what he wants and needs in a partner, and try to ensure that he "gets it right" next time around. Would you prefer to be a "rebound" relationship or one where he carefully thought things out prior to entering a relationship with you? I think this is the most likely scenario.
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I agree with most posters here. Seems like he invested so many years into one woman only to get hurt and he's afraid to jump into another serious relationship. So, what do you do? Make it fun. Nothing heavy. Take him out somewhere for the day or the weekend. Tell him that you just what to have fun with him and nothing more. No heavy talk, no relationship talk. Tell him that the only thing you're hoping for is a good time and that's it. Kick that big elephant out of the room and enjoy each others company. That might put him at ease and enjoy himself. Thus, he may want to do that again in the near future. It's nice to have a weekend away to escape everything and decompress. And he gets to do that in the company of a beautiful woman! Who wouldn't want that!
Author stargazer5466 Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks so much guys. That is what I am hoping. That he is just wanting to take things slow and, not jump in. That would actually be best for both of us, and I am cool with that. Any relationship, if it becomes sexual MUST be monogamous if he wants to keep me around. If he starts messing around w multiple women after his divorce? Well...I don't think I can handle that, and I will then move on. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Until then...I'm trying to be patient.
Diogenes Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 It could also be that after 18 years of marriage he simply does not want to prematurely jump into a "serious" relationship. You need to listen to the part where he says he is not ready to get serious. That is nothing against you and may not be evidence of any type of character flaw or defect, but may just be his desire to be unattached while he adjusts to life after an 18 year marriage. It sounds to me like he simply wants to be cautious. Perhaps he needs time to analyze exactly where he wants to go from here, exactly what he wants and needs in a partner, and try to ensure that he "gets it right" next time around. Would you prefer to be a "rebound" relationship or one where he carefully thought things out prior to entering a relationship with you? Quite true, when I look back at my journal I can see some drastic swings in my desire to be "hooked up", women I met a month ago and was interested in now make me shake my head at what was I thinking. It's scary to think the mistakes a person can make when they are not at their best. Looking back at that period I get insight just what Walk away wives, husbands and MLC'ers were thinking when they dumped and jumped.
Deano8888 Posted October 27, 2011 Posted October 27, 2011 Some of the posts in here have been spot on, I think he is hurting basically and may have lost a lot of trust. And I also agree with the others when they said listen to him when he doesn't want anything serious. all that means is that he's a bit messed up right now and upset and is not ready to jump back into a serious relationship right now. Things will probably change when he begins to settle down and start trusting. take things slow and easy, and try to make things fun. Explain that you understand he is just not ready for anything too heavy at the moment. But you need to communicate how you feel. It's not just on his terms, you need to be happy to. slow, easy and fun. Try it Hope it works out for you xx
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