Buttercup84 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Everyone says I need to let go of him , but how ? Is nc letting go ? How are you doing it ?
wilsonx Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Everyone says I need to let go of him , but how ? Is nc letting go ? How are you doing it ? Focus on you and time, it takes a long time
Mack05 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Everyone says I need to let go of him , but how ? Is nc letting go ? How are you doing it ? here you go Butter I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times). "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference" Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally. The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow... 1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision. 2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone. 3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must! Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurrences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedestal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together. You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this. 4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html 5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behavior. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery. For me, if the woman I love leaves me in future, I will automatically go NC for 3 months (probably a good bit longer). I would use this time to better myself in everyway I can. Maybe Therapy, get in awesome physical shape, volunteering, etc etc etc, basically all positive steps. I will write down goals and achieve them. Is being positive easy when u feel like crap!?? Hell No!! but its that positivity that makes us strong people. It's going to the gym on a rainy morning when we feel like never getting out of bed. It's volunteering on a Sunday, instead of lazying around the house. Those are the changes that make the real differences in our lives. It these positive changes that help us love ourselves again. When we love ourselves, we don't need validation or approval from anyone. When we love ourselves we know our ex's made the biggest mistakes of our lives by leaving us. When we love ourselves we attract the right kind of partner for us. Too many LS posters stay in what I call 'Limbo'. The longer you stay here the less you move on with your lives. We have only one shot at life. There are terminally ill, starving people all over the world, who would give anything to have the opportunities we have. Don't waste precious time grieving/obsessing over someone who will never deserve your love. Remember your ex left you. If you sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing nonstop about your ex, how does that help you? Let me answer that it doesn't. It's natural for the first few weeks to go over things endlessly, but this stage should only last a few weeks. Not many months as I see with many LS Posters. 6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgiving them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past..
M2155 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Wish I had an answer for you dear. It's really our mentality after the shock, denial, anger, trying to understand etc...passes. Just facing head on that they chose someone else and we have a whole life ahead of us to experience with someone much better. Work on your goals and accept he wasn't the one for you. http://thesinglewoman.net/ <<<---She has some great quotes everyday on Twitter about leaving the past and living for you. They're pretty encouraging and empowering. From today: "Negative patterns from the past will keep you from realizing the promises of the future"
geegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I think NC is letting go in the sense that you're choosing to detach and move away from what's dead. That's your first step. With detaching comes the slow letting go of hope, changing your thought patterns from idealizing/romanticizing to realism, reversing the focus from him to you, some of the the things that will happen in your NC journey as you start to detach. NC is NC but how you apply it is what helps you let go.
nini Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) Hun Vsmini posted a great video the other day... You let go when you admit to yourself that he was wrong for you, that you deserve much much better, and that you will get it when its the right time. Its not an IF, its a WHEN! Till then, you focus on yourself, and make yourself happy, and make people who love you (friends, family) happy, live for today, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Think of things that would make you happy, what do you want to achieve besides a good relationship? Do those things, slow and steady, one foot at a time, soon you will realise that you as a person are better single that with him, coz he did nothing to make you feel good. Today, if I had a choice to spend the rest of my life single, or go back to my ex, I'll chose to be single. Coz I believe I am a more likeable and happier person without him. Edited October 16, 2011 by nini typo
ken_25 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 First, it can take some people ALONG time to let go and get over someone. It takes some people a couple years. Second, be honest.. are you doing things that can hold you back? For example, cycling through old pictures, Facebook or other social networking, not trying to get out and stay busy.
Mallow Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Geegirl is dead on with her response. Right now you should be focusing your time on yourself. Don't worry about him, he isn't apart of your life anymore. The only person you need to be taking care of is yourself. Surround yourself with people you care about and do the things that you enjoy. Life is too short to spend it unhappily. NC is difficult at first, with time it gets easier.
ffw Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I wish I could tell you a guaranteed formula/set of rules but unfortunately, beside some logical steps, it doesn't exist because every case is different. This is my 1st breakup & I think I am handling it pretty well so far. I am following my own sets of rules & my own natural instinct. After the breakup, I immediately initialized NC. Whenever, my heart remembers her I asked myself some of the following questions: 1) Do I blame her? No, I don't blame neither of us for what happened. Infact, if I was in her shoes maybe I could have done the same thing. Bottom line, In my case, there is nothing to forgive about. 2) I try not to put her on pedestal & focus more on negative aspects. 3) I ask myself can I get a much better than her? The answer is Yes. Ofcourse, we had a special relationship for 4 & 1/2 years but if she's not happy then I can't force her to stay. As the saying goes "if you truly love someone, you have to let them free". Its my way of handling. Hope it helps.
eleanorhurting Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I wish I knew the answer to this But I guess the best we can do is just focus on us and try to become better. I just wish the pain would go away but like everyone on here has said, it takes time BTW, you are so pretty too! Inside and outside!
SoulFinger Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I think NC is letting go in the sense that you're choosing to detach and move away from what's dead. That's your first step. With detaching comes the slow letting go of hope, changing your thought patterns from idealizing/romanticizing to realism, reversing the focus from him to you, some of the the things that will happen in your NC journey as you start to detach. NC is NC but how you apply it is what helps you let go. Excellent Geegirl, I agree with you totally couldn't have put it any better myself.
broken-and-lost Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Wish i could give you a good answer here Buttercup, i've tried all the classic stuff to move on i'm not sure what NC really does only made me wonder more if i honest. I've just given up trying things and just take every day as it comes
Recommended Posts