l39jet Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Hi All, I am struggling with some new information about my new fiance. I knew some things about her past and that she had lived with a few guys over a 15 yr timeframe. For me the complete opposite was true... I was married to the same person for 20 yrs and never cheated. I can accept that she took a different path. The new information was she just shared with me that she actually had a relationship with one of my best friends of 20 yrs while he was engaged to his wife who is also a close friend and confided in me and cried on my shoulder when my friend had an affair on her a couple of years ago. They moved out of state and patched things up, but to find this out... I was shocked. She also then told me that she was a verrry different person than who she is today and that she was not only far more promiscuous than I was aware of, but that she had multiple affairs with married men over the course of 20 years. She was then married for 3 yrs and she says she was very faithful, but divorced because he was an alcoholic and abusive. Now we are together, she is an amazing lady, but this news just hit me upside the head like a brick. I want to marry her, but am worried with my experience with my ex, that I will never feel easy and trusting of my new fiance given what I now know that she had this history. She seems to be the polar opposite of this person that I've learned about ( don't get me wrong, she is hot and we have a lot of passion ), but I wonder if one can change and who she was for those 20 years won't surface in some way. Opinions... help!!! Thanks, L39jet
CarrieT Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I believe people can change. I have seen many who have led reckless lives in their youth (me included) who definitely have led different lives later on in life. I never cheated but was promiscuous; having been cheated on, I would never do that to another. But you have built up in your mind who you thought this woman was - and you have held her up to those ideals. Now that you have learned the truth, only you can decide if you love the person you are with or the person you have created in your mind; they are two different people. If you only want the person you created, than you will ultimately be disappointed and questioning her. If you can accept that she has changed and have faith in her honesty and love for you, than only you know if you can believe in her.
Space Ritual Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I wonder aloud why now? Why she told you at this point in time. Could be she wanted to start a new life with someone she loves with a "no secrets" policy(which is good)?, Perhaps she wanted to let you know about the affair she had with your friend as she may have figured since you were good friends eventually she would run into her former AP(your friend), maybe she wanted to tell you before this guy did if and when he saw the two of you together. I agree that many people are nowhere near what they used to be( I also am living proof of that). However with infidelity I would be very cautious as we can only predict future behavior based on previous behaviors. If you can see a change in her and you feel it's right for you, then that is all that matters... As for myself, I was cheated on 3 weeks before my wedding(walked in on my fiance in the act with my friend in my bed) so I am admittedly biased when I say that personally had I been in your shoes I would have not wanted to risk my own heart on a person with such a terrible track record and I'd have canceled the engagement and deleted her from my life right then and there...
Bryanp Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think you would be out of your mind to marry her.
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I think you would be out of your mind to marry her. I'm curious as to why you would say this ? she never cheated.. You said that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior then the OP would be marrying a faithful person. As far as her having affairs with MM.. you don't know the circumstances, as far as I've seen many women don't know they are married till after they are hooked. To the OP.. the term promiscuous is a bit over kill.. If you think her morals and yours don't match then maybe you should reconsider... but if you think that what a person does in their past shouldn't carry forward then just have a nice talk with her, making sure it is all out in the air and move on with her.
BeyondtheClouds Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 ****As far as her having affairs with MM.. you don't know the circumstances, as far as I've seen many women don't know they are married till after they are hooked.**** Maybe I should start a new thread for this, but I really can't see myself dating a married man or a man in any other committed relationship. I don't like: 1. Last minute dates 2.Last minute changes to date 3. Last minute cancellations 4. Excuses as to why we don't talk during certain times of day, like in the evening when one is no longer at the office 5. Excuses for why I can't call him at home 6. Excuses for why I can't visit his home 7. Etc. Is it really true that a lot of women /men will overlook stuff like that?
oldguy Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Yes, people CAN change but I prefer they have a track record of change rather than a promise they will. Given her past choices in men I'd be wondering whats wrong with me. I mean if a woman has a propensity to attract loosers and is now interested in me I'm going to be a little nervous:laugh:, just sayin'. Also, your friendship between you & the friend your fiance slept with is going to be more than a little strained.
Chi townD Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Well, I have to give the lady some credit...at least she was completely honest and open with her past. Shows me that she respects him enough to be completely honest with him. She didn't want secrets between them. So, I have to give her credit with that. However, in light of new information. I would put the marriage on hold until you've had time to process this information. I would hope she would understand that. I mean, that's a BIG bomb to drop on someone you're ready to tie the knot with.
mike111 Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Perhaps ask her for a full disclosure of her past. And offer her the same from you. See how you both feel in the end. mike
ShannonMI Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Hi All, I am struggling with some new information about my new fiance. I knew some things about her past and that she had lived with a few guys over a 15 yr timeframe. For me the complete opposite was true... I was married to the same person for 20 yrs and never cheated. I can accept that she took a different path. The new information was she just shared with me that she actually had a relationship with one of my best friends of 20 yrs while he was engaged to his wife who is also a close friend and confided in me and cried on my shoulder when my friend had an affair on her a couple of years ago. They moved out of state and patched things up, but to find this out... I was shocked. She also then told me that she was a verrry different person than who she is today and that she was not only far more promiscuous than I was aware of, but that she had multiple affairs with married men over the course of 20 years. She was then married for 3 yrs and she says she was very faithful, but divorced because he was an alcoholic and abusive. Now we are together, she is an amazing lady, but this news just hit me upside the head like a brick. I want to marry her, but am worried with my experience with my ex, that I will never feel easy and trusting of my new fiance given what I now know that she had this history. She seems to be the polar opposite of this person that I've learned about ( don't get me wrong, she is hot and we have a lot of passion ), but I wonder if one can change and who she was for those 20 years won't surface in some way. Opinions... help!!! Thanks, L39jet Yikes! I mean people change for the better sometimes and she could be different now, but I would be hesitant like you. Like if a man I was dating were to tell me he's cheated on all his former girlfriends, that would trouble me for sure. I would always have trust issues. How long have you been with this woman? Maybe you shouldn't marry her right away and see how things play out. Having affairs with married men is a big red flag in my book. Why did she do such a thing? Did you ask her?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 I want to marry her, but am worried with my experience with my ex, that I will never feel easy and trusting of my new fiance given what I now know that she had this history. I've learned time and again that most crazy A-hole women learn to act nice to lure you in. Just give it time and you will eventually get a better sense for who she is... and I say is because who she WAS also defines who she IS. Those who say the past is the past are just stupid.
BeyondtheClouds Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Well, I have to give the lady some credit...at least she was completely honest and open with her past. Shows me that she respects him enough to be completely honest with him. She didn't want secrets between them. So, I have to give her credit with that. However, in light of new information. I would put the marriage on hold until you've had time to process this information. I would hope she would understand that. I mean, that's a BIG bomb to drop on someone you're ready to tie the knot with. Honesty is a double edged sword. Maybe she is honest because she sees nothing wrong with her choices, actions and behaviors and therefore sees nothing wrong with continuing them. She could be telling the fiance this as an implicit contract. ie. you knew I was like that before we got married.
jnj express Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Hot passion now, cools, in a mge., you know that----what is this woman gonna be like 7 or 8 yrs., into a mge. You have to decide for yourself---are you always gonna be looking over your shoulder, will you have problems down the line if something out of the ordinary happens with her---such as not being home on time, change of attitude about dress, body type, things like that This all boils down to what you think you can handle If you are not sure---don't get married, just live together, for a goodly amount of time, and see where things go Remember, once you make it legal, you can't just walk away from a problem, you have to deal with it!!!!!!!
alexandria35 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 I also believe that people can change but this one would make me very nervous. It would be different if she had one affair twenty years ago and learned her lesson and never did it again. That is not the case. She carried on in different affairs for a 20 year span. How could she even stand it? Does she thrive on drama or something. By the sounds of it her longest track record of being in an affair free relationship is 3 years and that was recently. So what happened in the last few years that suddenly made her a changed person? Why would a lifetime of this behaviour suddenly stop? Doesn't make sense to me.
norajane Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 she actually had a relationship with one of my best friends of 20 yrs while he was engaged to his wife who is also a close friend and confided in me and cried on my shoulder when my friend had an affair on her a couple of years ago. They moved out of state and patched things up, but to find this out... I was shocked. No, no, no, no, no. You will lose your friends if you marry her. I suspect it would be a big mistake to voluntarily give up your lifelong friendships for this woman.
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