8chickens Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Cup of tea time...you'll need it to read through all this. Six weeks ago my bf of 5 1/2 years tells me over the phone that he wants 'tome out',that he isn't happy. This comes out of the blue for me as two days previous we have spent the Aug bank holiday w/end together having a lovely time,no problems and planning our yearly Oct holiday. We did not live together,he lives 40 mins drive away (i do not drive)so we had a w/end relationship with 2 holidays a year and numerous w/ends away surfing etc,Christmas at mine,New year away with friends...wonderful. We met online,he has his own house and self employed,very hard working and lives a quiet life,a private person. I live with my son 17 and daughter who is at uni,they both get along with my bf/x. History: 3months into the relationship he breaks up with me then after a month we get back. 3months later he breaks up with me,we get back together after a month. 3 months later he withdraws without explanation for a whole month,ignores all my calls/texts,then in June 2007 we get back together and have been till 6 weeks ago. Now in the beginning I got the strong feeling that this man was slightly commitment phobic and now I'm thinking borderline narcissist? Our time from June 2007 has been wonderful. He taught me to surf,took me on holidays,bought me countless expensive items,treated me with respect love and kindness,excepted me for all I am and never tried to change me,supported me and became my best friend as well as lover.But in the past year his passion for kitesurfing started to encroach more and more on our w/end time with him trying to fit in his hobby and me and me getting a bit miffed but never stopping him and going to the beach with him sometimes when he would take me. Me...well when I met my bf/x I had not dated for 3 years after coming out of a vile abusive relationship where I had to move house to flee for safety. I had lost all my confidence and was at an all time low. So meeting and falling in love again made me feel like a flower opening it's petals once again. Coming back to the present...I am bereft and the sun has stopped shining in my world. After that phone call 6 wks ago I fell apart. 4 days after he called I turned up on his doorstep to see him 'face to face'to find out what he mean't by 'time out'? I was there 45 mins,we had a cup of tea and he couldn't give me any explanation,just told me he wasn't happy and that I wasn't either,he then gave me a lift home saying he'd speak to me soon???? Another 2 weeks go by with him ignoring my texts and the couple of calls i made to him. In the meantime I see he is enjoying his weekends without me with our friends kitesurfing at the beach via FB (yes we are still friends on there)I have spent the last 6 weekends alone as I can't get to the beach and our friends are his friends ,I dont drive and lost touch with most of my mates,one died last year,the other 2 moved abroad. So on my birthday,3 wks after his time out phone call I turn up at his house again for when he gets home from work. He invites me in,we have a cup of tea,he has a bath,I massage his back as hes in pain(I am a sports/remedial therapist)we watch some tv...it's all very weird, 3 hours later i wonder what I'm doing there. He then tells me he told one of our friends that we have split up!!! News to me...I thought we were having time out?! So I feel like a fool and start going round the house gathering my things crying along the way and getting cross because I don't understand what went wrong or why he went back on his word about the time out thing. He helps me gather my things and packs them into the van,by this time I am nearly having an out of body experience...sitting beside him driving along i collapse on him,I come round with him feeling my neck for a pulse and asking if he needs to take me to hospital? We dont go but i am feeling ill. We drove along the motorway,he held my hand all the way home as tears rolled down his face the entire journey. It takes 40 mins to get home ,we stop outside my house,he then breaks down completely and sobs and sobs...now Ive never seen this man cry let alone sob like that. He tells me he just can't put it into words why we cant be together any more,we sat there for a while both crying...it was awful,but I don't understand why he cried like that...he's the one walking away from the relationship. He gets out and sees me to my gate,hugs me and kisses me and says "I'm so sorry it had to end like this" and drives off. I spent the night awake and in shock...my body shaking and I could not get warm. Yesterday, 3 weeks after my birhtday I spent the day with him. He had promised to transport my daughers belongings to uni ( a 5 hour round driving trip) The day was fine,he acted like when we were still together,we always did get on and rarely argued. It was so hard for me,I wanted him and he let me touch him,rub his shoulders etc but nothing else. In the evening we got home to my house,had some dinner,his back was causing him a lot of pain so i rubbed it a little. We lounged watching tv,he let me have my head on his shoulder and hand on his tummy. He fell asleep with his hed on my tummy for an hour or so then woke up and said he was going home...and left very late. So again I have not slept. I have lost 18lbs ,though I wasnt overweight. I don't know how to go forward. I don't know what he wants...I asked if he wants to be with me...he doesnt know,I asked if he was happy now,he said he hadnt thought about it. He has promised to do some more house jobs for me but nothing planned(no dates) I just can't comprehend how he can just get on with his life whilst I am struggling to stay on the planet. Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this. I have left stuff out as I'd be here all day if I hadn't.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
LoveNoob Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Wow, that's really weird behaviour. I would love to offer any advice but only thing i can think of is that he has some major issues and appearantly doesnt want to explain why he wanted to break up? Very strange, this sounds like a very troubled man and if he doesnt want to open up about his issues, then i fear there is nothing you can do but cut contact with him and let him be on his "merry" own while you find someone willing to commit.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Miss, its clear that he isnt into you enough to want to be with you 100%. Theres nothing that you can do to change that. it could be for a number of reasons, maybe he is seeing other women, maybe he doesnt want a family, maybe theres things about you he doesnt like, but he clearly doesnt want to commit. At some popint you have to give up trying. You have to make yourself unavailable to him, youre too easy for him to get a hold of. Do not ever go back to tis man again. And the next time a guy breaks it off with you after 3 months, leave it broken off.
Author 8chickens Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Yes indeed he is a troubled man,but we had 4 years+ of great relationship after those initial 'breaks'. I do know that there is no one else involved. He told me from the start that he didn't want children...too selfish for that,he values his free time and hobbies too much. I guess he had everything...home,van,job,money,bachelor lifestyle and lovely girlfriend at the weekends. I rang him earlier after yesterday to ask him about his confusing behavior last night...he said he was just being friendly and comforting! Amazed he picked up the phone! I also asked him about us and the fact he hadn't given me a reason for the break,he said there wasn't one and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now with me or anyone..that he just wants to be alone as he has things he wants to get on and do!! How on earth can he switch his feelings off for me after two days??
Eddie Edirol Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Yes indeed he is a troubled man,but we had 4 years+ of great relationship after those initial 'breaks'. I do know that there is no one else involved. He told me from the start that he didn't want children...too selfish for that,he values his free time and hobbies too much. I guess he had everything...home,van,job,money,bachelor lifestyle and lovely girlfriend at the weekends. I rang him earlier after yesterday to ask him about his confusing behavior last night...he said he was just being friendly and comforting! Amazed he picked up the phone! I also asked him about us and the fact he hadn't given me a reason for the break,he said there wasn't one and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now with me or anyone..that he just wants to be alone as he has things he wants to get on and do!! How on earth can he switch his feelings off for me after two days?? Why did you stay with him after he told you he didnt want a family? When people dont give you a reason for the breakup, its usually because they cant think up a good lie, and it means that they are dumping you for someone else. That would be easy for him if he found a woman without children, or someone closer, younger, whatever. He didnt switch off his feelings after two days, he got emotionally disconnected from you months ago. He just lied to you to keep you around.
Graceful Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I also asked him about us and the fact he hadn't given me a reason for the break,he said there wasn't one and that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now with me or anyone..that he just wants to be alone as he has things he wants to get on and do!! How on earth can he switch his feelings off for me after two days?? The reason it appears easy for him to switch off his feelings for no apparent reason is because he never felt the depth of emotion for you that you felt for him. It hurts to say that, and it will hurt to acknowledge it, but you must see him for who he is, a very selfish man who had, by your own admission, the perfect setup for a confirmed bachelor (it doesn't matter if he's a commitment phobe or anything else, and I don't like to get into those labels because it puts too much emphasis on his problems, which are not your concern). You stated that he began to be more interested in kite surfing than spending time with you a YEAR ago, so he did not switch off his feelings in two days, he has been slowly detaching from you for an entire year; this is why it's so easy for him, he's been preparing for the break emotionally, and of course, you were blind-sided by it. I can understand why this relationship worked well for you, since you have children and he didn't want kids, has his own life, his own home, his own ... well, he has his own EVERYTHING, including his own LIFE, that you only played a tangential role in. Of course he had feelings for you, but when he decided that you were an impediment on his freedom, off he went with a ... kite? Yeesh. Brings new meaning to telling him to go fly one. And you should. He was once like an elixir to you. Now he is the cause of great pain who seems to think no explanation is necessary because guess what? He doesn't feel accountable to you, in addition to the fact he's been planning this for so long, all he knows is he wants 'out', you know? It was good while it lasted, but sadly, he gets to decide what and whom he wants in his life, and he'd rather play with a kite. So good riddance, you know? You have two kids. You didn't ask for a third, now did you? Take care and take this as a (mixed) blessing. It is, believe me, it is.
Hindsight45 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Hi, I can totally relate to what you are going through just now. My ex gave me no reason for dumping me either and like you, I spent around a week just drifting from night into day, not eating or sleeping, unable to comprehend or understand what had just happened. 12 weeks later, I'm still no wiser about what happened. He wanted space and couldn't be in a relationship either. I had no idea how to handle any of it and made many mistakes - I did the whole, why, why, why thing, I didn't beg or plead but I couldn't just leave him alone, I was in such a confused and hurt place that I didn't realise what I was doing, was pushing him away. What I have learned, is that on reflection and thinking about what we were and what we had, our relationship never got a chance to develop and grow. There were too many things attacking it before it had a chance to grow a foundation. When times got hard, there was no bedrock to fall back on and so it foundered and broke apart. I also came to realise that neither of us should have let it get as far as it did - we both left spouses for each other and brought all our baggage with us, without having time alone and apart to deal with and handle all the fallout from two marriages splitting. Its a damn tough road, a lot of pain has passed, a lot is still to come, but I know now that he wasn't right for me and that if the split hand't happened then, it would have happened eventually. I have a lot of guilt and remorse and regrets. I feel for you right now because I was there too - caught in the eye of the storm with no anchors. I know exactly how you are feeling and its awful, but take it a day at a time, dont be hard on yourself, be gentle, let yourself cry and shout and be angry and hurt, because you are. The one thing I now know is that I should have gone NC immediately; I regret that. Please please leave him alone, all that suffers is your self respect, self esteem and it hurts like hell when all you get is cold indifference. Take care, take time, and look after you. HS45
curtisrandles93 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 this is like me and my ex... we've been apart 8 days and she just seems to not care anymore after a year and 5 months its strange!
Author 8chickens Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 The reason it appears easy for him to switch off his feelings for no apparent reason is because he never felt the depth of emotion for you that you felt for him. It hurts to say that, and it will hurt to acknowledge it, but you must see him for who he is, a very selfish man who had, by your own admission, the perfect setup for a confirmed bachelor (it doesn't matter if he's a commitment phobe or anything else, and I don't like to get into those labels because it puts too much emphasis on his problems, which are not your concern). You stated that he began to be more interested in kite surfing than spending time with you a YEAR ago, so he did not switch off his feelings in two days, he has been slowly detaching from you for an entire year; this is why it's so easy for him, he's been preparing for the break emotionally, and of course, you were blind-sided by it. I can understand why this relationship worked well for you, since you have children and he didn't want kids, has his own life, his own home, his own ... well, he has his own EVERYTHING, including his own LIFE, that you only played a tangential role in. Of course he had feelings for you, but when he decided that you were an impediment on his freedom, off he went with a ... kite? Yeesh. Brings new meaning to telling him to go fly one. And you should. He was once like an elixir to you. Now he is the cause of great pain who seems to think no explanation is necessary because guess what? He doesn't feel accountable to you, in addition to the fact he's been planning this for so long, all he knows is he wants 'out', you know? It was good while it lasted, but sadly, he gets to decide what and whom he wants in his life, and he'd rather play with a kite. So good riddance, you know? You have two kids. You didn't ask for a third, now did you? Take care and take this as a (mixed) blessing. It is, believe me, it is. Thank you for this...it makes a lot of sense and did make me cry whilst reading through it. I feel so raw though...so foolish. I really didn't see it coming. Even when I saw him 2 days ago I felt there is still a chance because he forgot himself and enjoyed my company,joking ,flirting and calling me by his pet names he had given me. I suppose he does score a point for turning down my advances,there are some people out there that wouldn't turn down the chance of a roll under the covers with someone you love/ed and still found attractive. I just have to figure out where to go from here. I am not likely to bump into him ever. I so wish I could share his frame of mind...he is getting on with his life like the past 5+ yrs never happened,why can't I do the same?! In fact he is behaving like I don't exist. By the way,our relationship was the longest he's ever had. He told me in the first year that he wasn't very good at relationships,I couldn't see why as he's very charming, friendly and charismatic. His longest before me was 2/3 yrs and he was always quite evasive about past relationships but still kept in touch with his ex of 2 yrs throughout our time together. They split because she wanted children and he didn't. He is 39 now,maybe having a mid life crisis and panicked about being with me for so long??? I don't know...
Author 8chickens Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) Thank you HS45 Edited October 17, 2011 by 8chickens
Author 8chickens Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Why did you stay with him after he told you he didnt want a family? When people dont give you a reason for the breakup, its usually because they cant think up a good lie, and it means that they are dumping you for someone else. That would be easy for him if he found a woman without children, or someone closer, younger, whatever. He didnt switch off his feelings after two days, he got emotionally disconnected from you months ago. He just lied to you to keep you around. I stayed with him after he told me he didn't want children of his own because I din't want any more either. I was fine with that as I have had my children and they were at an age where we and they could do their own thing. He integrated into my family very well and got on with my two really well. So I feel he's not only left me but a family as well. I think you are right and that he emotionally detached himself from the relationship a few months back he just didn't relay that to me and continued to be his lovely self. I don't think he lied to me...I think he lied to himself and had an inner turmoil...maybe that's why he broke down and cried so much???
Eddie Edirol Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I don't think he lied to me...I think he lied to himself and had an inner turmoil...maybe that's why he broke down and cried so much??? Well the usual story of a dumpee around here is that they find out that their dumper became involved at most a month after the breakup. The story usually is that the dumper lied about wanting to be alone and not date anyone. They usually lie to make it hurt less. Ive done it, Ive had it done to me, and ive seen it pretty much in 99% of the breakup stories, and every person thinks at first that their dumper wouldnt lie to them even in a breakup. Truth is, the dumpers wind up lying alot to get the dumpee out of their hair. I also dont think he had an inner turmoil, I think he most likely just put on the water works. If he was really broken up about it, it would have been difficult for him to hang around you like nothing happened.
Author 8chickens Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Well the usual story of a dumpee around here is that they find out that their dumper became involved at most a month after the breakup. The story usually is that the dumper lied about wanting to be alone and not date anyone. They usually lie to make it hurt less. Ive done it, Ive had it done to me, and ive seen it pretty much in 99% of the breakup stories, and every person thinks at first that their dumper wouldnt lie to them even in a breakup. Truth is, the dumpers wind up lying alot to get the dumpee out of their hair. I also dont think he had an inner turmoil, I think he most likely just put on the water works. If he was really broken up about it, it would have been difficult for him to hang around you like nothing happened. Well i feel very down and depressed after reading that now. Every situation is different...I am almost 100% sure as are all of our mates that there is no one else involved. Also can one really put on and produce tears on that level especially in a usually reserved and private person? I thought it was impossible to cry without deep emotion coming from somewhere within?
Kamila Posted October 18, 2011 Posted October 18, 2011 Well i feel very down and depressed after reading that now. Every situation is different...I am almost 100% sure as are all of our mates that there is no one else involved. Also can one really put on and produce tears on that level especially in a usually reserved and private person? I thought it was impossible to cry without deep emotion coming from somewhere within? You were together for a long time, even if he didn't 'love' you, it would be heartbreaking to see the one you cared for so much/depended on/searched comfort with/... leave you. So it's basically out of fear/frustration/trauma/... that we cry. We're all afraid of change and that's what causes the tears I think. It's the reality of ' Damn ! Is (s)he really, really, really leaving me forever ???' That's the problem with relationships and trying to break up. The longer you wait, the more attached you become to that person (well on some level). My ex started the waterworks the second after I left. And we were in public on a parking lot. I saw his face drenched in tears, he was almost sobbing. But I knew that there was no hope for us left.
Author 8chickens Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Kamila...he broke down,he was sobbing and he was the one walking away and ending the relationship.that is the bit I don't understand. Surely if this man had not loved me it would have been easy for him to walk away and he would not have shed a tear but remained strong and 'cold'? All I know is I am devastated and am not coping very well after nearly 7 weeks.
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