Does the lovey dovey-ness usually wane?

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm in an LDR, together a year and a half, see each other every 6-8 weeks.

 

Can you managed to sustain the passion and 'lovey dovey' feelings you had in the first year or so?

 

I did, but feel like my partner hasn't, lately it feels like his initial in love/infatuation/excitement/enthusiasm has died down now, we're in the next level of our r/ship and I'm not sure it's enough for me, it would be different if he were here, living day to day, bonding in that way and knowing how each other feels without having to keep on vocalising it, but we're not. I'm naturally a very affectionate, heart on my sleeve type of person and he's closed emotionally, as he puts it, I guess it was easier for him to be more forthcoming with his feelings in the earlier days when he was more head over heels.

 

Now I feel taken for granted, and I've toned down my affection, my loving words etc, which feels unnatural for me I don't know how to sustain things from a distance if he's not putting as much in as he did. I'm sure he thinks everything is fine and he's happy with things the way they are.

 

When we're together it all feels fine, except when we had our longest time together, 11 days, after a week or so, he didn't initiate affection as much as usual, and it's usually me lately who initiates holding hands and most of our hugs. I realise you can't be lovey dovey all the time day in day out, and that it will wax and wane, it's just this damn distance.

I'm not sure I can handle him not being as demonstrative as he used to be when we're apart.

 

We still have plenty of daily contact, mostly initiated by him.

 

Lately I feel more like a friend when we're apart (not when we're together, in fact our last visit, last month was the best yet), it's usually me who now initiates sex when we're apart, (not when we're together) until recently it was equal, everything was, I've become bored with sex now when we're apart, what's the point if it's just me initiating it, I can't be bothered either, subsequently my sex drive has pretty much gone out the window, sex doesn't interest me unless it's with/about the person I love, but I feel he's happy doing his own thing sexually as it were, and I'm not included much anymore. When we're together it's amazing.

 

I feel we'd have a wonderful r/ship if we were together most of the time, but we're not, but maybe it would all wane for him IRL too and I'd be left with nothing, I don't know.

 

He used to call me sweet names and say he missed me etc etc, but don't get any of that now, just now and again he'll say something loving and I'll think oh he does still care then. I found myself looking through his older emails just to read/get some affection from him and remember how it was. Feels like we're an old married couple now. Things started to change about 2 months ago, around the time (but just before) his job transfer fell through, and it made him worry what would happen to us.

 

He's not being cold towards me or anything, it's just different to how it was.

 

I don't feel he loves me any less, however I need to be shown it as much as ever, otherwise I tend to feel unhappy/unsatisfied/bored/unfulfilled and start to back off. He seems to be happy with the comfortable routine of it, I'm pretty sure he'd be gutted if I wanted to break up.

 

I dont what know what to say to him, how in the hell can I say you need to show me love like you used to. These things can't be forced, surely either I accept him as he is, or I break up with him as we're not compatible in this way. I don't want to break up though as he's the person I love and want to be with, I think he feels the same still.

 

Sad thing is when we're together it feels so right, and it used to feel right when we were apart too, now I'm not sure what he's able to give is enough for me, if he'd never been very loving etc then maybe I'd never have fallen for him, but he was. I feel upset with him for changing, ruining things.

 

I can handle the distance if he's being demonstrative, if he's not, I can't, maybe he can't give any more that he does already though.

 

I've tried to push it to one side, thinking I know he loves me, and thinking it's just my low self esteem looking at the negatives, but it's getting to me more and more.

 

I've been feeling alone lately cos of it, feeling alone in missing him for example, no idea if he ever misses me, it's making me miserable now, it's sad as things were going so well.

 

He is stressed at work lately, but it's changed since before that really.

 

Ugh, just can't decide whether to just accept he's not as demonstrative as me, maybe I'm looking for problems where there are none. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want out and would be pretty gutted if I walked away.

 

Ultimately, what I'm saying is, is it normal in r/ships for the enthusiasm to die down? Although I'd still be enthusiastic if he showed it more.

 

My last r/ship was 18 years, lived together, totally different to an LDR.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't know, Heaven. I hope the lovey-dovey doesn't always wane. It takes two to want it to work. Hopefully he'll bounce back for you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks FF, hope we can work it out, don't wanna lose him.

 

 

 

I don't know, Heaven. I hope the lovey-dovey doesn't always wane. It takes two to want it to work. Hopefully he'll bounce back for you.

[xxoo]

The lovey-dovey stuff normally dips after the initial 1-2 years, but shouldn't end altogether.

 

Some of it comes down to effort. Even if he isn't feeling an overwhelming urge to be affectionate (as he did in the first months), he still needs to put in some effort to show affection.

 

Some of it comes down to being happy in a more stable relationship--feeling loved and attractive without constant reassurances of love and attraction.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply

I agree with all you said.

It hasn't ended altogether, that would be too much I don't think he realises he's any different, I asked tonight online if he's ok with us and that he's seemed a bit distant and he said he's just tired and out of it a lot. Work is really stressful lately, I said I was a bit worried he wanted out and he said no, he's ok with us, that he's sorry he's just tired.

So, we'll see.

I think your last paragraph sums up how I think he feels about us, he feels stable etc now in our r/ship, I do too, on the whole, but I'm also a very affectionate and expressive person and do like to show it and be shown quite a lot. Especially in an LDR, it's all we have when we're apart, because we can't hug or anything, it's vital that the love is shown in other ways.

I can't really talk too much about it at the moment to him as work is too stressful for him lately.

 

 

 

The lovey-dovey stuff normally dips after the initial 1-2 years, but shouldn't end altogether.

 

Some of it comes down to effort. Even if he isn't feeling an overwhelming urge to be affectionate (as he did in the first months), he still needs to put in some effort to show affection.

 

Some of it comes down to being happy in a more stable relationship--feeling loved and attractive without constant reassurances of love and attraction.