eleanorhurting Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Right now I am feeling the pain. It hurts. I am moving forward, I am going to therapy tomorrow, I am going on vacation tomorrow, I am starting a new clerkship next week. But it still hurts. When i stop all that im doing and I am still, it hurts. I went out with my girlfriends to octoberfest yesterday and it was bittersweet. It was fun to go out but I ran into him and he spoke to me and I walked past by him. I thought the bad part was over but then out of nowhere he was hanging near where me and my friends were in the middle of the crowd and he kept staring at me and trying to catch my attention but my friends let me know what was going on and I was strong and didnt look over once (we were at an outdoor music festival). It bothered me so much. And then the rest of the night my girlfriends were just talking to a bunch of guys who i didnt like at all and i think they got upset that i just wasnt into the whole getting hit on my random dudes thing. After like 3 hours i was literally falling asleep on everyone. Its been over a week NC but it still hurts. I'm just going to let the pain sink in and try to do something fun today and then go to therapy tomorrow. I am actually supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist AND my new psychologist who i am going to meet tomorrow. Im trying to move forward Im trying to own the pain and feel it instead of denying it but it still hurts so much.
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Maybe today is just a sad day. Maybe I had been keeping busy and having fun all week and now its sinking in. I have been told that writing helps and venting helps. This is why I come on here. Because my family and friends are tired of hearing about it. I am going to be OK. This hurts a whole lot. Everything that has happened in the past year has hurt so much. But I will be strong and I will learn from this and I will be a better person after this. I have to.
Mallow Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Hang in there Eleanor, it's tough now, but it gets easier as time goes on. You are over 1 week NC, and you've dealt with his presence well. You should be proud of yourself, you're making progress. You may feel like you haven't gone far now, but it will get better. LS community is very helpful and is full of insight, you can count on members to be here. If venting helps, you're at the right place.
Buttercup84 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'm so sorry for your pain hun , it's going to be so hard but you will be ok . I'm feeling the same . Btw you are so pretty!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I am really trying to hang in there and I really hope that slowly I will feel better. i am going to therapy tomorrow and Im excited! Thanks everyone who has been supportive!
BLuvv Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Good luck with therapy, Eleanor! I really hope you find the answers you are looking for! I'm still working with my psychiatrist and hoping to find a good therapist soon to talk with, so I'm still in the same boat. Still hurts, but hoping these things will help! Btw you are gorgeous girl! Take care! B
GymRat Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I can relate to you so much! My ex goes to school with me as well, she broke up with me before we moved away to work for the summer in different towns, but we're at school again and I see her frequently. She cheated on me before she broke up with me, and she doesn't know that I know, but my best friend found out about it and told me, so I have the most mixed up feelings about her. In class I always catch her looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and we were just on a field trip and she would always look me. She can hardly look me in the eye when we do speak, I know she feels incredibly guilty for what she did. And I have not brought up our relationship once since we broke up four months ago, nor expressed any interest to her in getting back together (this was incredibly hard to do!). I'm always going NC too, and the only time we talk is when she initiates it. She's always so incredibly nice to me when we do talk, which makes it so difficult to get over her. How is therapy helping you? I've considered it, but I feel like no matter what I say or do, I just keep moving backwards when I see her which is so inevitable at school. I wish we went to different schools, that would help so much because no contact over the summer helped me so much. But anyways, stay strong! I find it so helpful to vent here when I have those bad days. Things do get better with time, so keep looking forward! Take care!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I am going to start going to a psychologist today! I have been going to my psychiatrist since way before the breakup but I dont really feel like its working. Maybe i need something more intense like 2 times a week or something to finally heal. and I am the queen of awkward situations! I went to undergraduate at my state school and i went to medical school at my state school too so I have been around the same people for 7 years now! and In these 7 years all except 1 person that I have either been in a relationship wtih, dated or even kissed are all somehow related to school! So I have to deal with exes and sticky situations on a daily basis! Trust me, its not easy! I really dont even know how I do it!
Author eleanorhurting Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Hi! I am writing you from NYC from my vacation! I am having fun and its been great to get away! I went to my first appointment with my psychologist on monday and it was great! She was a bit harsh but I loved it because we went down to the root of the problem. She told me that I have an issue with codependency and that even though it is going to be extremely hard to overcome it, I can do it and we are going to do it. Seriously, the longest I have been completely single for since I was 19 has been 3 months! We talked about past relationship patterns and how they reflected my codependent ways. We talked about how Im frustrated because I feel that Im never going to find anyone and how this desperation has been driving me to make bad decisions (like sleeping with the ex so soon) that have driven people away. I really am looking forward to learning how to be on my own and be happy on my own. She gave me an assignment: not to contact the ex for another week (baby steps). So far so good! NC day 10!
k100danny Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 psychologists really help, here in the uk it's not as common for people to see psychologists ect and it's not as accepted really but my ex was a psychology graduate studying a masters and a friend of mine is a psychologist. i start to go when i realised i had some issues and other people told me they had been. (one of my friends who is a clinical psychologist has been going to her therapist for years) It really does help, it can hurt, bring up odd feelings but you have to remember they are not blaming you for anything and everyone develops differently. I found out lots of things about myseld, such as i would stay in a relationship even if i didnt think it was working because i have an anxious attachment system, i fear abandonment and this makes me very anxious in relationships and it also means i will overlook differences just to not be alone. My emotions are all over the place but hopefully this will help me understand myself more. I have had a bad day today and im not sure why, some days i think i have it all figured out and i have put it to rest and then other days i think of it from another angle and i feel almost back to square one, but everyday it gets slightly easier, i feel its more steps forward than backward lately so thats a plus.
BLuvv Posted October 20, 2011 Posted October 20, 2011 Hi! I am writing you from NYC from my vacation! I am having fun and its been great to get away! I went to my first appointment with my psychologist on monday and it was great! She was a bit harsh but I loved it because we went down to the root of the problem. She told me that I have an issue with codependency and that even though it is going to be extremely hard to overcome it, I can do it and we are going to do it. Seriously, the longest I have been completely single for since I was 19 has been 3 months! We talked about past relationship patterns and how they reflected my codependent ways. We talked about how Im frustrated because I feel that Im never going to find anyone and how this desperation has been driving me to make bad decisions (like sleeping with the ex so soon) that have driven people away. I really am looking forward to learning how to be on my own and be happy on my own. She gave me an assignment: not to contact the ex for another week (baby steps). So far so good! NC day 10! Eleanor, so glad to hear you are having fun on your vacation. And happy to hear that you found someone to help. I really need to start looking for someone to talk to- my psychiatrist gave me some recommendations. I think I have a similar issue with codependence. I can definitely understand how you are feeling! Wishing you the best. B
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