k100danny Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 basically me and my ex broke up two months ago, we tried several times to be friends but i still hold onto something and im not sure what it is. Im pretty sure she is totally over it but i get attached easily and her being the one who ended it maybe makes it harder for me. we were very good friends and have known each other many years before we got together, we used to talk about people we liked ect, and had really long chats via texts all day most days just kind of keeping each other company. i suppose there always was some underlying flirt now and again but when we were friends she spoke about people she had liked ect and her ex and i was in no way jealous, we kind of confided a lot in each other. Anyway the start of the relationship was good, i was very happy and she seemed really happy to be with me, she told me she had liked me for a long time but kind of wrote it of as she didnt think i was interested. I became very jealous very early on and I didnt see that happening, i know i can be slightly jealous from previous relationships but this got out of control. we used to have at least one argument a week, Some of it was justified i think as she didnt seem 100% ready for a relationship and i suppose that scared me. I also questioned if she could love me like i did her. I see now this is because i have an anxious attachment system. Anyway this put a lot of pressure on the relationship and in the end she said she isnt ready for something this full on and it was clear that she couldnt meet my needs or give me what i seemed to need from a relationship. I think maybe my actions made her back away as she seemed really happy at the beginning and it was always me who started arguments. Anyway, as i said we have tried to be friends, it got to the point were i was going over the relationship a lot and we had to stop talking, then we would try again and it didnt seem i could let things go. We met last week for a coffee and it was very nice to catch up laughing and joking ect but i have to admit i still had some feeling but im not sure what it was. afterwards i send a text saying it was nice to catch up, that i would like to be able to build a real friendship but im obviously not quite there yet to where i feel i can be a true friend (i was being as honest as i can i think) But i didnt stop there, we ended up chatting a bit about us and i was kind of fishing for information and she said she wasnt seeing anyone she wasnt at a point in her life where she wanted that or was ready for it, she hadnt slept with anyone but she had kissed this guy a couple of times who i knew liked her before we got together. I was quite devastated so i assume i was on some level hoping everything would work out. I dont know when these things happened but i assume around a month after we broke up was the first time as i saw a picture of a party they were both at. I do feel hurt that i still have some feeling and she has move on but i do understand it. I think that i have to work on some issues before i can be happy in a relationship so it couldnt have worked not at that time anyway. I do wish i hadnt have asked now as im pretty sure she wouldnt be 100% honest and say yes i slept with this guy so why do i feel the need to ask as i wont beleive her anyway. basically i do really want to not obsess about her, i do miss how she seemed to adore me and that is a very nice feeling, we probably both contributed to the break up with her not being ready and me being jealous ect. I had a good friendship with her before that i know would have to change if we became true friends again as we now have history. Im not sure if she has said lets be friends out of guilt or feeling she let me down? I dont think she really has anything to feel guilty about if she has been honest with me during our relationship which im 99% sure she was i could have asked for no more. I am trying to be friendly with her at the minute, we saw each other the other night at a club and said hi but that was it, she was out with some of her friends who i know also and they all said hi ect. But as i was leaving she came out with two guys and put the guys in a cab, now i think i saw her kissing one of the guys well thats what it looked like, i later found out it was her best friends brother who i know too so they may have just been hugging and giving him a kiss goodbye i do this with some of my female friends. It didnt hurt as much as i thought but still made me feel some emotion that i cant quite put my finger on. I know this post seems really all over the place, probably because my head is at the minute. So what im asking is what should i do? I feel id like to be her friend like before but obviously cant do that right away, should i go no contact until the thought of her doesnt make me have any emotion? am i just trying on some level to be near her and have some ulterior motive? and i should just put it down to a friendship lost and try not to get involved with friends again? If im 100% honest i do miss something but i dont know what. i liked how she made me feel i think. I maybe resent that she doesnt feel that way about me now and has moved on. or maybe i miss that im not that special person anymore, i really dont know. I do know i dont want to feel like a pity case friend. im in therapy at the minute for anxiety disorder she knew i had this before we got together so i dont want to feel someone feels they have to be there for me. I dont want to feel like a doormat either and try to be friends if its hurting me, letting her do as she pleases and pretending im ok with it you know.
rubberball Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I feel your pain, going through something similar. Best friends, started seeing each other. I was a little jealous of her from time to time but we never fought about. She would say that I didn't have to worry. After we broke up I tried to be there and just be her friend, it was very hard. The thing that stopped us then was she asked me to help her go out of town with someone else. I said no and she stopped talking to me. A couple weeks go by and she invites me to dinner for my bday. I go back to HC after that, this past Friday she called me to make sure I was okay, we talked for a little bit. At this point I know there are still feelings for her inside me, nc goes a long way to help those feeling go away. I would feel, I bet, 100 times better if I had gone 100% nc from the beginning. It's really, really hard but you have to take care of yourself!! As a by product they see that you are just waiting around for them.
rubberball Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Oh, and as friendship goes, you have to play that by ear. You can't be her friend if you have any romantic feeling for her.
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