Iwonder Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, and bought an engagement ring some time ago (we wanted to pick something out together..and chose an antique). At the start of this year, we discussed how and when we'd like to marry. We want to travel interstate, to be closer to our hometown...and we both agreed the start of next year would be good. We also realised we'd need to give people some more notice than is usual for wedding invites, because some will have to travel. We don't want to invite many though, just something small and intimate. In addition, owing to a few other circumstances and events coming up, we agreed it would be good to be engaged within the next few months (this was a few months ago). We are both romantics and agreed that a proposal should be something special...something memorable. My boyfriend said he was excited about planning something great. Since then, I've been excited too...waiting for the moment..wondering...it's been a good feeling on the inside. And yet now, it hasn't happened still...and we have the trip coming up in a week to see family and had previously agreed we'd like to be engaged when we went, to share the news and so on. This week we were arguing, and he said "You have been so argumentative lately...that's why I haven't proposed yet...everytime I plan something, it gets screwed up, because you start carrying on." I should explain here..that I am overcoming problems with insecurity and obsessiveness, and I am currently on medication and in counselling...so I am doing my best, but it's not always perfect yet. I was hurt when he said that..and i said "in all these months, there hasn't been one moment where you could have asked me?..one time where you just felt happy enough to do it?" he said.."there has, but then you wreck it up, with your neurotic carry on...or questioning." He KNOWS I am doing my best..he knows the reasons...and it doesnt always happen anyway. He then said, why don't you just be on your best behaviour for just a week, to make it easier for me. I felt so hurt and flat and started crying. I've been anticipating this for months...we've both joked about it...and then these comments. He even cited exampled of times when he'd had the ring with him..and listed what I'd done to ruin the moment. I know I'm nowhere near perfect...but I didn't think I was that bad. A proposal should have an element of surprise and fun, and romance...not be like this. Plus, he has gone on about all this fancy stuff he wanted to plan for so long now, and got me so excited...that these comments felt like a real slap in the face and a letdown. I couldn't help but think...surely he could've just planned something special, and gone through with it, and even if I did slip up a bit going into the night, could he not overlook it? I explained that..but he said it had to be right and special for him too. I know it does. All this discussing the proposal isn't the slightest bit romantic or spontaneous either. A few months ago it felt that way...now we've hit the time where we said we wanted to be engaged...and nothing...and now all this carry on and hurt and anger about it, along with the finger pointed at me for stuffing up. The thing is, in order to plan certain things for the wedding, and organise some family members to be there...we really do need to be engaged soon ...even on a practical level. Am I overreacting here? I'm I looking at things all wrong? Is my hurt a bit much? Do I expect too much? Am I not seeing his point of view?
allheart Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 [color=blue][font=century gothic]I am so sorry you are both struggling with this issue. Geeeezz...I agree this should be the happiest time of both of your lives. I would have been hurt and a bit angry too...it's almost like a mother telling a child "if you'll be good today, you can get your surprize!" You don't need to have to walk on egg shells all the time, and him just ever so eagerly awaitng one false move. Either he wants to marry you, or he doesn't. Period. He's the one that needs to chill out about it. This time is suppose to be romantic, intimate, something you'll hold on to for the rest of your lives...something you can tell your grandkids. Does he realize it takes a great deal of preparing for a wedding, even in it's most simplest form. His statement ,"Cant you be on your best behavior for a week to make it easy on me, " is insulting, in my opinion. It sounds more like something a parent would say to a misbehaving child. And he should be more empathetic with you right now, as he does know you are putting extra effort into your behavior since you are seeking counseling...so he shouldn't be so touchy. Now, I would be remiss if I didn't also clarify one more thing. You wouldn't somehow (unconsciously) be doing something to sabbotage the big question, would you? Do you have any fears of getting married that you have not shared with him? I don't think this is the case, but I had to ask. Since this has happened more than once and didn't end well. He needs to plan a date and let you know the time, place, and location...that way no matter what he has planned, he can carry through with it. {after you arrive keep your mouth shut until he completes the process!} LoLoL I urge you to do a lot of soul searching before you marry this man. Best of Luck to you Two![/font][/color]
Author Iwonder Posted May 18, 2004 Author Posted May 18, 2004 Thank you for replying. No, I am not sabotaging! I definately want this to happen. It's unfortunate that my questioning and obsessing is so difficult though, because it has placed a lot of strain on him for quite a while now. I too wish it didn't happen of course. At least now I know my hurt is not completely out of line though, regardless of the other difficult circumstances we have been dealing with (my issues and so on).
friendforyou Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 A wedding is one day, looks like it is best now to work on your relationship...which is what makes the MARRIAGE. I think since he knows how you feel, or each others feels, I should say...just let it happen. " what ever happens , happens". Easier said then done I know> do you live together?
jmargel Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 Is he like this all the time? He knows you are going through some of your own issues, and he needs to be more conscious of that. Maybe a marriage councilor might help you both. Make sure you plan the marriage before the wedding. The wedding is one day, marriage is for life. Do you really want to be with someone who's going to treat you like that?
SoleMate Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 I agree with the others that you need to work on your own feelings and also on your relationship, but let me just suggest this: Making "the proposal" into a major event appears to be causing stress for both of you. As you get your relationship issues worked out, could you consider downscaling your expectations of a big, staged event, and maybe just embracing the idea that the question itself, and your response of "Yes!", is really what's important? BTW - I hope this is NOT the "happiest time in your life". It SHOULDN'T be! Making life decisions is stressful. And it also implies that everything following will be downhill.
Author Iwonder Posted May 20, 2004 Author Posted May 20, 2004 Thanks everyone for responding. A couple of answers for you: We've been living together nearly 3 years. No, he is not always like this, he has come through a lot with me, and sometimes his frustration boils over. Yes, I think we may have both made the mistake of making the proposal too much of a big deal. It's placed pressure on him, and he wants things to be perfect for me. Meanwhile, it's placed pressure on me...with the build up and waiting, for this 'big event'. Our relationship issues we are working on. We've been to a counsellor together also, and we are both committed to working through things. We have most definately been planning for the marriage and not the wedding, and think our focus just got really narrowed onto this whole proposal thing. We discussed it the other night. He understood I was upset, and explained how he just wanted it to be so perfect, he sometimes got frustrated himself. We agreed to just let things happen in a more relaxed way from now on. We talked about my issues also, and how we can work together on them (which we do try anyway). We are both around 30, and have thought very carefully about the whole marriage thing. I thank you for all offering your insights. I never thought I'd be one to get carried away with the whole faiytale wedding stuff...but it seems I am vulnerable to that way of thinking!
jmargel Posted May 20, 2004 Posted May 20, 2004 My fiancee is the same way. When I first proposed she wanted something simple. Now she's really getting into it. As the day becomes closer she's becoming more excited. But it's also very stressful. At first she was extremely stubborn on what she wanted her 'fairytale' wedding to be like. Now at least she is coming around to considering some of my ideas. A councilor really helped us out and we continue to see her. I hope you are still seeing yours. If so, make sure to bring this kinda stuff up.
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