Tybalt Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I gave a guy another chance who had dumped me after a month and a half of dating because he got "scared." We have been dating a little over a month since we reconciled. Earlier this week he showed an angry side I've not seen before. He expressed anger over what I considered pretty minor stuff, like me text messaging him too late one night (though he has repeatedly told me to call him day or night, so I thought he wouldn't mind a text), and taking too long an interval on a particular occasion to text him back when he texted me. We saw each other midweek and discussed all of this. I told him his approach felt controlling and that I was not liking how it felt, especially since I had experienced an abusive partner in the past. He said he just wanted to understand "how it was going to be" between us (in his interpretation "only communicating when it is convenient"). He then assured me he understood that I had some sensitivity to expressions of anger due to my past, he liked me a lot, and that he wanted to make me feel safe. He asked me to spend the following evening with him. The next night he cancelled the plans a couple of hours before, saying he wanted to go home and be alone (after social plans with a guy friend of his). This is completely uncharacteristic of him, in fact he has been asking to see me at every possible opportunity. It just felt odd to me, and the only other time I've had that feeling was right before he broke things off the first time. I messaged him the following morning (yesterday) saying I didn't want to be paranoid but I couldn't help but wonder about it, and asked if we could talk. He mentioned the time he'd be free and I answered that I would be available. He never called or sent a message. I finally texted today and said I didn't understand his silence and distancing. He texted back that he didn't recall me letting him know when I wanted to talk, and said he was sick of me "playing the victim" and if I wanted to talk then talk to him, but otherwise stop with the "poor me" texting. I'm really shocked that the guy that was acting so eager to convince me he really cared for me, that he made a mistake when he broke things off before, is being so... Nasty out of nowhere. I'm pretty contained and I wasn't messaging him a bunch of whiny texts. Nor do I find it unreasonable that I'd wonder and get a little worried when he broke plans and stopped talking/texting like he did before. My friends think he is an utter jerk and use more colorful terms than that. The whole thing has me a bit rattled and frankly I'm disappointed, probably in myself for giving things another shot with someone who showed red flags by leaving me the first time. As I told him the last time we were together, I know I have my own issues and don't intend to lay all the problems on my partner, but I'm hopeful a partner can have some patience and be able to communicate what they would like from me in a gentle way. And I'm happy to do my best to reciprocate effort. I guess that isn't going to happen with this guy. I just sent back "Wow. Ok." and I suppose that is that. The last thing I want to do is call him and have him chew me out for whatever it is that I've "done."
Dazdnconfuzed Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Let him eat ****. He knows what he has is an amazing person and his dumbass cant handle it and doesnt know how to treat it. If you think what happens now is confusing... If you do happen to give him another chance you will get to see more of the crazy. He will tell you one thing but his actions will show another, when he is on the verge of losing you he will shape up for a few then do it again - pattern stuck in a infinite loop. Infact at times he will even confuse himself. Do what you must but try not to be a prisoner to his bi-polar tendancies.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Hearing only your side of the story, we won't get an accurate picture of what you in fact may have "done." However, it doesn't sound like it is going to work with this guy. Maybe it's his fault, maybe you're both at fault. No way for me to know. My guess is that he is an insensitive jerk, and that you might be the kind of girl that expects guys to read her mind. In the future, try to stop assuming the worst about people's motives, stop expecting people to read your mind, and try to make your desires known in a positive fashion.
Emilia Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 He sounds like a moody cock. Move on, he is too annoying and probably selfish long term
louise_23 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I gave a guy another chance who had dumped me after a month and a half of dating because he got "scared." We have been dating a little over a month since we reconciled. Earlier this week he showed an angry side I've not seen before. He expressed anger over what I considered pretty minor stuff, like me text messaging him too late one night (though he has repeatedly told me to call him day or night, so I thought he wouldn't mind a text), and taking too long an interval on a particular occasion to text him back when he texted me. We saw each other midweek and discussed all of this. I told him his approach felt controlling and that I was not liking how it felt, especially since I had experienced an abusive partner in the past. He said he just wanted to understand "how it was going to be" between us (in his interpretation "only communicating when it is convenient"). He then assured me he understood that I had some sensitivity to expressions of anger due to my past, he liked me a lot, and that he wanted to make me feel safe. He asked me to spend the following evening with him. The next night he cancelled the plans a couple of hours before, saying he wanted to go home and be alone (after social plans with a guy friend of his). This is completely uncharacteristic of him, in fact he has been asking to see me at every possible opportunity. It just felt odd to me, and the only other time I've had that feeling was right before he broke things off the first time. I messaged him the following morning (yesterday) saying I didn't want to be paranoid but I couldn't help but wonder about it, and asked if we could talk. He mentioned the time he'd be free and I answered that I would be available. He never called or sent a message. I finally texted today and said I didn't understand his silence and distancing. He texted back that he didn't recall me letting him know when I wanted to talk, and said he was sick of me "playing the victim" and if I wanted to talk then talk to him, but otherwise stop with the "poor me" texting. I'm really shocked that the guy that was acting so eager to convince me he really cared for me, that he made a mistake when he broke things off before, is being so... Nasty out of nowhere. I'm pretty contained and I wasn't messaging him a bunch of whiny texts. Nor do I find it unreasonable that I'd wonder and get a little worried when he broke plans and stopped talking/texting like he did before. My friends think he is an utter jerk and use more colorful terms than that. The whole thing has me a bit rattled and frankly I'm disappointed, probably in myself for giving things another shot with someone who showed red flags by leaving me the first time. As I told him the last time we were together, I know I have my own issues and don't intend to lay all the problems on my partner, but I'm hopeful a partner can have some patience and be able to communicate what they would like from me in a gentle way. And I'm happy to do my best to reciprocate effort. I guess that isn't going to happen with this guy. I just sent back "Wow. Ok." and I suppose that is that. The last thing I want to do is call him and have him chew me out for whatever it is that I've "done." this guy sounds bat***** insane! im not feeling that split personality deal whatsoever. i think there's more going on than what he's telling you, but based on what you've said i'd steer well clear of this one. im sure you can do alot better than this guy. let him get on with it, go find yourself a nice guy with an even temperament. no one deserves crap like that.
Author Tybalt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I haven't hear anything from him since the nasty text last night nor have I made any attempt to communicate. I appreciate the input and am certainly willing to look at how clear I am with my communications and what I would like in specifics. I think, though, that I'd like someone as a partner who is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, and ask me for clarification if he doesn't know what I am trying to get across, rather than someone who flies off the handle like I am purposefully trying to p*ss him off. I also agree there is more to what is going on with him than what I am understanding. I knew that on Thursday which is one reason I wanted to talk. In our history I have been very surprised on more than one occasion about what he is thinking or his motives for behavior. That said, I know is that this incident makes me feel lousy and I don't think I deserve to feel lousy.
daphne Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Tybalt, I've read some of your other posts and I'm surprised that you went back to this guy. Have you considered therapy to learn boundary setting? I don't think this guy is good for you. He has you walking on eggshells still. He knows he can push you around, and you let him. His lashing out is his way of showing he doesn't respect you. And you've let him get away with it before several times. I think that what you're doing to "set him off" is you are a little needy with him, and you don't stand up for yourself. I can see why he would think victim card, but not actually be an ass and say it. The tone of it comes out in your post. Not trying to blame you for his behavior in ANY WAY, shape or form. I'm saying that if you want better behavior from a man, you may want to look at how you allow them to treat you. Once you stop letting them get away with nasty behavior, you'll also stop letting that type in your life. Which will leave more room for someone healthier.
Author Tybalt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Daphne, that's really helpful, albeit a little hard to hear, and thank you. I've actually had quite a bit of therapy (which may make my actions all the more mystifying to you - then again, this guy claims he was in therapy for over 3 years, so, it doesn't always fix everything, heh). I will admit that I've struggled with being overtolerant of men in my life. Believe it or not, I've made some progress, but this latest attempt to have a relationship is showing me that I'm still not there. I agree with you that I'm still too willing to keep peace and put up with bad behavior. My friends are too kind to come right out and say "I told you so," but this situation merits it and I know it. I'm a perfectionist and it irks me to continue to have issues with something that is very basic for a lot of people. I suppose if I am in therapy for the remainder of my living days maybe that is what it takes. Really, though, I know that when I date, I obviously need to choose a very different kind of man and conduct myself in a different way. And yeah, I'm disappointed that I allowed this to happen.
grkBoy Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Tybalt, we've all talked about this with you. Move on. Don't fall into the trap of cynicism or blaming men for this one. You ran back to someone who wasn't good for you to begin with. Now you felt the pain...at least early on than down the road. Do the therapy if it helps, but like you and I have talked about...just go discover yourself and grow that spine and thick skin that will allow you to toss a guy away the moment he won't treat you right. This guy in many ways sounded like "settling"...and this next statement isn't directed at you personally...but I find it amazing how many women will call the "bland", "boring" nice guy "settling", but will actually "settle" on a guy who might look and have aspects they adore, but he won't treat her right. That's the #1 thing for both men and women that should never be compromised. I don't care if he looks like Bradley Cooper or Adriana Lima...if he/she won't treat someone right, then leave them. Let them be someone else's drama.
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 This guy is a jerk and I think you had enough information to know this before you got back with him. I believe his jerkiness is independent of anything you did or didn't do. I checked some of your past threads, too, for the backstory and I agree with most people here about the "too much too soon" issue. No matter how much you and another person "connect" at the start, this will not necessarily translate into good long term potential. If you and the person agree that you are in it "for real", especially at your ages and with kids involved, it immediately puts a great deal of pressure on the relationship and impedes its potential for natural growth. He's in his 40's - if he is in a "serious relationship" now, it might be looking a lot like his last one. Easy to get spooked away. So plenty of groundwork should be in place before the "long term commitment" label is hung on your liaison. You really seem nice, smart, and if that's a picture of you, quite lovely. I bet you do come off as needy in a relationship, though. Much of that too soon will be frightening. So, I hope you'll work on the neediness - get emotional support from your friends and family much more than the new romance in your life. Save that for when the two of you are really serious. By serious I mean when you're dealing together with a lot of "real life" together as well as the fun and romance of dating.
Author Tybalt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I do appreciate the feedback. It is ironic that I'm afraid of being needy and that's exactly how I come across. I'm not going to defend myself on that one because I really do want to understand my own behaviors, and if that is what reads then that is what is happening. Last night after posting I read an article online that made me think. I sense the frustration on the part of certain posters and it is understandable. I have a lot of things together in my life - a very healthy lifestyle physically, a job, a home, a car, and a good support network of friends and family. And yes the photo in the avatar is me. I feel I've overcome quite a bit. So why is this such an area of blind spot? The article talked about how to spot 'dangerous' men. It mentioned that when someone is in an abusive situation long enough, the person being abused becomes desensitized and the bad behavior is 'normalized.' It actually begins to feel normal. I think that my 8 plus years in my abusive marriage did this to me somewhat. Although intellectually I understand what's appropriate or not, when it comes to 'feeling' it I get easily confused. Before my marriage, I had a couple very nice long term relationships. So I know this isn't an 'always been' thing for me, but clearly I have more work to do to get everything to line up in my head and heart.
Author Tybalt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) *duplicate post* Edited October 17, 2011 by Tybalt duplicate post
joseph17 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You need to get rid of this guy if he wants to keep standing you up. That is a horrible feeling in itself other than have to be with someone who is a *******. Sounds like you are on the right track to happiness as at least you can identify what is wrong and fix it. Being in a abusive relationship for that long you do tend to block out the bad and try to hang on to the good.Just remember that you yourself attract these kind of guys. Go outside of your comfort zone on this one and try and date someone with a different personality than your former lovers. Most importantly be happy with who you are and love yourself.
Author Tybalt Posted October 18, 2011 Author Posted October 18, 2011 Of course, I was coming down the stairs at the gym this evening at the end of my workout and ran smack into him coming up the stairs. I saw him first so I was able to prepare with the reserved half smile one uses with acquaintances. He, on the other hand, looked up to see my face perhaps 12 inches away as he rounded the corner to the next flight. He mumbled a "hi" or something and looked rather taken off guard. Awkward.... On the positive side, I was able to have a laugh about how ludicrous all of this relationship struggle really is, and I even had a moment of reflection that this guy is a flawed human like myself (and the rest of us). The fact that we are a complete hopeless disaster together and I probably can't speak to him again notwithstanding, he is still a person.
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