stillhurt Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 As some of you know, I have been trying to maintain NC from my ex. Today, I got a new phone, hardly even learned how to use it, and was at a concert when the phone rang and I just picked up. I haven't reached out while he has done so 2x already, but each time he has done so, it's been really generic "how are you doings?" which I did not respond to. Either way, I picked up without knowing it was him. When we did start talking I realized that he has been drinking. He repeatedly said he missed me, that he's confused as hell when it comes to his personal life. That his new girlfriend is nice, but it's just not working for him and that he can't stop thinking about me and missing me. That he and I were not done and he knows that even if he broke up with her, it doesn't mean that I will take him back, and even if I did, that we would work. He wanted me to forgive him and tell him what I was feeling, if I missed him or not, if I was ok since the whole thing happened. He asked if I missed him around 4-5 times. My reply to all of it was polite and nice. I told him that it doesn't matter what I feel anymore, since there is someone else he should be worrying about. I told him that I didn't like who I became the last time we connected and that I had to be strong and do the right thing from now on. That even if I sometimes missed him, I am more awaiting the day when I completely forget him. That I realized that I was the one that couldn't let go and was blinded by my feelings but had an eyeopening experience since the last time. I told him that he did not love me. He said he did and he knows I don't believe him. He said he understands and that he knows I see him as a man with little integrity and the vision I had of him has changed. He asked if I thought that we no longer belong to each other. And, I told him that he was crazy. I told him, you are in a relationship right? So, let's not even talk about this stuff. He said he doesn't know why he can't let go of me and that he knows he jumped into a relationship too quickly after we broke up. That he was just trying to prove that someone wanted him and wanted to be with him. Anyway, this time, I let him talk and tried not to let him know how much it was affecting me. This time was the only time he talked about us trying again. And, how we would need a clean slate. But, he was just talking about it himself, I didn't encourage or agree. I just told him that he is probably going through a rough patch with his girl and everything will be fine in the morning and he will regret having made a call to me in the morning. I told him I just want him to be happy and I know that he might just be going through a tough day, but we will both be ok. He said that he knows that, but there is something unfinished between us. But, I reminded him that we both agreed that we were both unhappy in the end, and that we don't want that again. He said that if we try again, he just wanted me and didn't want to have to think about anyone else. How immature! I know that he is just playing mind games with me again. I am trying to stay strong and ignore all these breadcrumbs. Just need a few words of encouragement and reminders that we are not salvageable. That this is a guy who cheated on his current gf with his ex (me). He asked me to call him if I ever needed him, that he wants to be there for me, no matter what. I told him that he knows that I won't. Pretty much, I still tried to be the nice person during this whole conversation. I know that he wasn't the only bad guy in the story so I just wanted to be fair, but is he just taking advantage of my personality again? What does he freaking want from me?! Damn phone!
wilsonx Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Look, i am having a hard time too with NC, my ex dropped a bomb on me 3 weeks ago and its tough, I do not know why I cant let it go but I haven't given in, you shouldn't either. It doesnt get any easier at 4+ months NC as you are now, you just have to stay strong
EgoJoe Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'm in a similar boat. Sounds like you stayed strong. Goodjob.
geegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I'll remind you again. This is the guy that cheated on his girlfriend with you, chased you until you broke down and had sex with him, then turned around and said all he wanted with you was just sexual and that he wants to be with his gf, and then said the you made him cheat. He's bored and done investing in his R and looking for a fallback. That is you. Please have respect for yourself. What message are you sending a man who treated you badly and disrespectfully when you keep engaging in him? He's probably saying to himself, "I can do anything to this girl and she will still keep talking to me." Thats an indication to him that you lack self-respect. That's a sign that he can manipulate your feelings. Disengage.
TheDovic Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Ha, I'm glad I've never hurt you, because you put this dude IN HIS PLACE! You honestly could not have played this any better in terms of maintaining your own dignity AND in making him pine over you. This dude will not be able to stop thinking about you after this, and you stayed really strong which should really empower you. Well done Stillhurt
Graceful Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) You've finally made this about YOU. He's still making this about HIM. So you see, nothing has changed for him. Always was, always will be about him. He thinks there is unfinished business. He made a mistake. He needed to find validation. And on and on and on. He wants to know if you miss him. He wants to know if you will forgive him. Yeesh. How transparent can this guy get? I can see right through him. He doesn't care any more about you than he did when he was with you. You've turned the rejection tables on him now. You turned the rejection you felt into strength for yourself. He can't seem to handle your strength any better now than he did when you were together. Remember? Stay the course. There's nothing to go back to, nothing at all. Keeps playing the same tape over and over. Boring shizz if you ask me. One of these days you will be bored with him, too, and stop taking his calls. I hope that day is soon. Take care. Edited October 16, 2011 by Graceful
Author stillhurt Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 I truly want to thank everyone and for this site. I got sound advice every time I came on here. (even though I didn't always listen) I do feel stronger for not giving in. It was extremely hard since he was never one to talk about his feelings as much as I. Honestly, I don't even know the purpose behind the call. He called because he got a new job and will have an actual schedule. And, how he knew it was one of the biggest things for me when we were together. He was even like, "you would know when I am home" I was like ...uhhh...don't you mean your new girlfriend? I told him I was very happy for him and I said that it will make his new girl happy. He told me that I didn't have to say anything, but he just wanted to tell me how he truly feels. And, how he thinks about reaching out to me all the time but he knows that it would just disturb my peace. And, if he wasn't tipsy he probably would've controlled himself again. That he just wants to be a man with an answer to his confusing feelings. That he doesn't understand why he can't let go of me when he's done it before with other girlfriends ( BREADCRUMB!!!) That he knows he screwed up, but doesn't even know how to fix it. Anyway, it was sad to hear all of this. I still get sad when I think about how it all began and ended with us, but I am no longer hoping. Relationships are so fragile, they often begin so great and the smallest things can throw it off course. Geegirl, I just want to say that he did not pursue me last time, he just responded to my reaching out. He took advantage of my vulnerability, but I was the one reaching out because I was at the lowest I've ever been. I wanted to see him and be with him and was hoping that the outcome would be different. I know my whole role in our last encounter, and I am not innocent. It's not easy to stay NC, but Graceful you are right. He is still the same selfish person and I need to remind myself of that. I asked him why he wasn't happy with the new girl when she is obviously giving him everything I wouldn't (staying over, flexible, not too many restrictions when it comes to family) I told him that he's just feeling lost because he hasn't met the right person for him yet. He even said that I make him want to ask for forgiveness when he feels like he really hasn't done me wrong. (because he told me how he wasn't sure about his feelings for me, but he knew for a fact that he still wanted to sleep with me-before we slept together) I told him just because he was honest, doesn't make what he did right. Is he truly that dense? I think he does want out of his current relationship because he said, "what do I tell her, that I can't forget my ex?" And, I was like don't bring me into it. I kept telling him that it will be ok in the morning (he was getting more and more drunk...I can't help it...I am one of those motherly types) I don't know why he made this call, since there will be no changes. He is a great procrastinator of everything in his life except his career. He is more likely to let his current relationship die a slow death. As for he and I, we had a lot of problems that we both know will be hard to overcome. I think we both hesitate and stop because we both know that it might just end the same way. As much as I miss him sometimes, it just seems unfix able at this point. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. Last night was the first time in a long time I felt like I was talking to the person I knew, but I also know better now. I know that he is probably feeling that I am letting go and he wants to keep me attached. It's just those damn feelings that just won't leave me alone! Help me stay strong guys! I want to maintain NC or at least maintain my dignity. I have to remind myself that he does not want me, it's more of an ego trip for him. He just wants to know that I still want him, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction. Anyway, I just want to thank everyone. I know my posts are long and often times it's just me getting my feelings out. I really appreciate the support and hope that I can somehow give back to it one day. I just hope I stay strong this time. As for Wilson, EgoJoe, and Dovic, I know you can stay strong with me.
geegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Geegirl, I just want to say that he did not pursue me last time, he just responded to my reaching out. He took advantage of my vulnerability, but I was the one reaching out because I was at the lowest I've ever been. I wanted to see him and be with him and was hoping that the outcome would be different. I know my whole role in our last encounter, and I am not innocent. Yes, but he played a role too Still. You reacted on your emotions for him. He acted based on manipulation and selfishness. That's your reminder.
Author stillhurt Posted October 16, 2011 Author Posted October 16, 2011 Well, he just sent a text apologizing for the drunk call and that he is going to work on it and not let it happen again that he's still not over me and trying to figure things out
Mack05 Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Well, he just sent a text apologizing for the drunk call and that he is going to work on it and not let it happen again that he's still not over me and trying to figure things out Don't play his game. Text him back asking him to leave you alone. Say in the text the only thing he needs to figure out, is if he wants to stay with his girlfriend that you are no longer an option for him and never will be again. Please trust on this. Release the grip this guy has over you. Seemingly the only person that can't see this guy for what he truly is, is you..
geegirl Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Well, he just sent a text apologizing for the drunk call and that he is going to work on it and not let it happen again that he's still not over me and trying to figure things out I went back and read your initial post early September Still. Eight months ago, after the break up he was doing this same thing. Fast forward, he's still at it? Why? You've enabled it. If you don't feed it, it won't live. Unfortunately, he will keep doing this for as long as you keep the door open and continue to feed on his little crumbs. It's a choice, Still. After 8 months, it all boils down to a choice.
EgoJoe Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Change your phone number. I second this! (Also Betterdeal start giving bad advice here and there so I can do more than just quote you and say do it!)
ChelseaLS Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 I am only 8 days out of my relationship (boyfriend... er ex i guess, wants a break), but I certainly hope that I am that strong when it comes time to revisit our relationship (in 6 months we agreed). I hope I can walk away if I know its unhealthy and I am better off. Cudos to you stillhurt. There were some oopsies, but you figured out what was right for you and you stuck to your guns.
Author stillhurt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I just did not reply. I really have no more words. I am still bothered and emotionally affected by him, but he has not shown that he is not worth my love and respect. I am just trying to respect myself now. I will be lying if I said I didn't wish he would just leave her and take a real break from relationships and grow up so we can see if we would work. But I know that he won't do it, at least not for me. The trust is gone for me.
betterdeal Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 To paraphrase a 19th Century American thinker, All that you do thunders around you so loudly I cannot hear what you say
Author stillhurt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 I also realize that it is all just breadcrumbs for me. In many ways, what he said to me last night rings true. We were both unhappy at the end, and we both don't want to go back to that. He said we had a lot of problems and I think he knows better than I that we weren't working out, but no one knew how to fix it. He said last night, "what do I do, try again, and put us through this (breakup) again?" Look, it's all just confusing for me still. His text is just as I predicted. He is not going to change anything because he does not want to disturb his own comfort level. I know you guys think that he is a douche and I think so too when I think about what he did to me. But like any relationship there were great things that worked and things that were horrible. What happened to us after the break up is another story. It brought out the worse in everyone. Neither one of us ever thought the other was capable of the things we did. I guess all I am trying to say is that yes, I am trying to disengage and not feed this dysfunctional relationship, but I still miss him. I can wish, want, dream, but I know that we are not good for each other and I just have to wait for these feelings to leave me. And, I think that he knows this better than I. He came to this realization way before me. Difference between he and I is that he is more selfish and weak so he gave in every time I was vulnerable instead of leaving it alone. I just didn't know. I thought that if you were not over someone, then that just means you still love them and you should just try. This is not the case if you are mismatched. You can love and want to be with someone, but if you can't sustain the relationship then you just can't. Again, I am just rambling.
betterdeal Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 (edited) What do you want from a relationship, and what does he want? And what do you think about the woman he's currently involved with? Edited October 17, 2011 by betterdeal
Mack05 Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 I just did not reply. I really have no more words. I am still bothered and emotionally affected by him, but he has not shown that he is not worth my love and respect. I am just trying to respect myself now. I will be lying if I said I didn't wish he would just leave her and take a real break from relationships and grow up so we can see if we would work. But I know that he won't do it, at least not for me. The trust is gone for me. It's clear you haven't listened to a word we have said to you. Why on earth would you ever consider going back to this guy!? You talk about self respect, self respect is never talking to this man again and realising you are so much better off without him...I find it totally amazing you are still considerig being with him under 'the right circumstances'. That right there is why the words glutton for punishment were invented..
geegirl Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 You can't bank on the potential on an R just because you had some good times and some bad times Still. We all have had bad times in Rs but his behavior is separate from that. You're fantasizing on what you wish he could be. Sadly, that's just wishing. He has shown you who he is and although you are still grappling between fantasy and reality, I see you are trying to sort it in your head. It's good to hear that you realize that while you're wishing, you're also realizing it's just not possible. You really have to stop taking his calls and keeping your distance.
Author stillhurt Posted October 17, 2011 Author Posted October 17, 2011 Mack, I am just working it out in my head. There are a lot of posters on here that are going through the same thing, where if their ex came back telling them they missed them, is not over them, can't stop thinking about them, will struggle with their feelings. I wish I was that hard core, and can just be cold when it comes to him. I would not be on here if that was me. I am struggling to maintain NC after his call and am hanging in there because I know they are just empty words. So, I am listening to the advice I get on here, but it doesn't mean that it's easy. I know what the right decision is when it comes to him, but I also believe that people are capable of changing. He has proven that he can't change for the better for me. He tried when we first got together (about a yr), but it was a hard ACT for him to maintain. I fell for the act of course. His family was really happy he was with me, and even told me how much he changed cause of me. Now, I know he was trying to be someone he was not. He wants to be a decent guy, but his natural tendency is to be a jerk. I know that. Towards the end, I can physically see him struggling to maintain his image. That wasn't fun for either one of us. We were both pretending that everything was fine when it was not. Plus, his conscience for what is right and wrong is totally off. But, that does not mean that one day he won't meet the person for him that inspires him to be better. I wish that for him. I really do. Everyone has the potential to be a good person. It just takes a lot of work, effort and strength. But, like I've said over and over, who he is now, is the person who will take the easy route each time. He's proven it. So he might never get there, but I hope he does. I believe that if you are lucky you meet someone that can inspire you to be an even better version of yourself. Just because I am struggling with my feelings does not mean that I don't believe people can't change. I am not saying he will change, and I am not saying that I am going back to him because of a drunk dial. I am just saying that it is a wish that won't come true.
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