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WOW, where to even begin!? You're in for a long one....


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Posted

WARNING: Long ass THREAD. If you have time to read this and respond, you are a total sweetheart. I need as much prayer/advice as a girl can get. Thank you!!!

 

First of all, I wasn't even sure where to even post this thread because it relates to so many different categories...But anyway. So my boyfriend and I met in 2007, straight out of high school. He joined the military so from then on, our relationship became long distance and damn, was it tough. He visited me whenever he could, every couple of months or so. I couldn't because of strict parents with very firm beliefs in dating...So he did the visiting. Our relationship was amazing, though long distance. We were completely in love until Summer of 2010 when our relationship began hitting some rocks. Yeah we fought, but this time it god bad.

 

I did the unthinkable by flirting with other guys via text messages and through my blog, which still haunts me to this day. I'm glad I never did anything in PERSON with anybody, but flirting is still cheating (I believe), and that crushed him. He forgave me, but by this time in my life, I was moving out of the house to a University three hours away from home and I really needed space and time to think about where my life was going and if I was even going to have time for a relationship. So we broke up in January just before my spring semester began. It ended MESSY because he obviously didn't want to, but I insisted that I really needed time. He said plenty of hurtful things, like accusing me of breaking up so I could continue to flirt with other men at my new school, which both pissed me off and hit me right in the heart because it was not true at all....

 

So as I was focusing in school and he was supposedly keeping himself busy working, he was seeing somebody else to keep his mind off me. I didn't find out about this until MONTHS later, but he never told me. He kept it a secret.

 

We tried NC but didn't work because he'd always call or text. I tried my best to not think about him because I was taking 5 studio courses and was so stressed out. I literally had no time for him, but I missed him like crazy. It got weird just before spring break because I stopped hearing from him. I couldn't take it so I called him and he just wasn't himself... I couldn't definitely tell something was up. Remember that person I mentioned earlier that he was seeing? She was the reason he was acting differently. I became really scared at this point of losing him, so I asked if we could take things slow and get back together. I was for sure certain that he wanted that too but he had a different agenda. He wanted nothing to do with me.

 

NC until about August, when I finally broke it and texted to see how he was doing. He immediately texted back saying he missed me and wanted to get back together, take things slow, etc. So I reluctantly agreed and we started talking again. He was really distant in his words and they way we talked, but I thought it was just because we hadn't talked in so long. But he'd promise to call, then 'forget' or promise to text, and do so a day or two later. This of course, drove me insane since we were already long distance, so I started suspecting that it was his friends who were keeping him busy. Damn.

 

I finally found out that he had been flirting with another girl behind my back through my cousin's facebook (she had him as a friend) and warned me of this other woman. I saw for myself and low and behold! There WAS another girl. Their conversations went back to when we first broke up! I confronted him about it and he got so pissed. He felt like I wasn't trusting him, and in turn I felt really bad...So the next weekend, he flew in to see me and when we were together, everything went back to the way it always was. He was no longer distant or indifferent. I fell in love all over again and I thought he did too.

 

It's been a week exactly since then, and I wish I could say that I am still head over heels for my boyfriend. But after today, I realized a lot of things. I made a twitter account, and remembered how I had made him one over a year ago, and wondered if he ever used it. I wasn't even sure I remembered the password I created for him, but I was able to log in. That's when I saw numerous pictures and tweets of them together, acting just like him & I used to act. He took her out to eat, traveled with her, bought her things. What KILLED me was his tweet with her, the day he was leaving me saying how he was so excited to see her back home. I nearly vomited, I was so sick to my stomach. I couldn't move in bed, I could only cry. I honestly thought that last weekend was what we needed to head off in the right direction. I was wrong.

 

So I confronted him, asked him about it and he finally admitted that though they were never oficial, she was good to him and there for him when we broke up. He hung out with her at least twice a month (they all share the same group of friends), and he didn't end things with her because he wasn't sure if our relationship was going to work until this weekend. He told me that he's getting stationed here in a few months and that she doesn't mean anything to him, and that I'm in his future. I want so badly to believe all of this but the other half of me screams bull****. He seems sincere, but how can I trust? I mean, seriously? What would you do in my situation? When we hung up earlier, I told him that I pray for our relationship every night and how much this was hurting me. I pretty much left him in tears and he said he would end things with her tomorrow when he sees her. I don't know what to do. ;(

Posted

Bless you. This dating thing can be really tough.

 

My first gut answer was to tell you "Wait till tomorrow, see what he does"

 

Sometimes these are lessons in learning what it is that defines each of your boundaries and how to communicate those things better.

 

I don't know where I stand on the whole debate about browsing around personal accounts and finding things you don't like and then being called out for not being trustworthy, so I will not comment. Was it really an accident that you felt curious about his twitter account? I know for me in the past that inklings that felt innocent to begin with turned into little obsessions which were really rooted in an insecurity about the situation. This is an important distinction. You don't have to tell me, but just keep that in mind for the future.

 

If you were broken up when he went out with this other girl, this is a good time for you to realize that sometimes you don't want to know what your guy used to do with an ex, and that goes both ways. Can you trust him now? Well, when you mentioned him say that he was nice to this girl because she was there for him during the breakup, that was a pretty honest response. He could have lied and tried to make it about him trying to recreate your relationship or whatever else, but it feels like he gave you a straight answer. I would do that if I wanted to ease your mind about things in a real way. "Look lets not kid ourselves, you and I were broken up, her and I hit it off". Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to ;-).

 

Unfortunately, I feel like the only way you're going to know if you can trust him is to trust him and see what he does with it. It doesn't sound like he's outright lied to you about flirting with other girls, and he says he's going to break up with this girl immediately. You'll either decide you can trust him, or you can't. Has he given you a reason not to trust him?

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Posted
Bless you. This dating thing can be really tough.

 

My first gut answer was to tell you "Wait till tomorrow, see what he does"

 

Sometimes these are lessons in learning what it is that defines each of your boundaries and how to communicate those things better.

 

I don't know where I stand on the whole debate about browsing around personal accounts and finding things you don't like and then being called out for not being trustworthy, so I will not comment. Was it really an accident that you felt curious about his twitter account? I know for me in the past that inklings that felt innocent to begin with turned into little obsessions which were really rooted in an insecurity about the situation. This is an important distinction. You don't have to tell me, but just keep that in mind for the future.

 

If you were broken up when he went out with this other girl, this is a good time for you to realize that sometimes you don't want to know what your guy used to do with an ex, and that goes both ways. Can you trust him now? Well, when you mentioned him say that he was nice to this girl because she was there for him during the breakup, that was a pretty honest response. He could have lied and tried to make it about him trying to recreate your relationship or whatever else, but it feels like he gave you a straight answer. I would do that if I wanted to ease your mind about things in a real way. "Look lets not kid ourselves, you and I were broken up, her and I hit it off". Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to ;-).

 

Unfortunately, I feel like the only way you're going to know if you can trust him is to trust him and see what he does with it. It doesn't sound like he's outright lied to you about flirting with other girls, and he says he's going to break up with this girl immediately. You'll either decide you can trust him, or you can't. Has he given you a reason not to trust him?

 

First of all, thanks so much for taking the time to read this. But to answer your question, he has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him except in this situation. When he visited me last weekend, he was in the restroom when his phone received a text from a number that was not saved saying "Can you text rite now....?" Immediately I thought of the other girl. I picked up the phone and found out that he had been calling her at night when I would leave to go home. I forgot to include that up there. ^ He lied to me about that being her number when I first asked him. But when I asked him today, he admitted it WAS her.

Posted

You're welcome. Many have done the same for me.

 

Hmm.... Well that is a little fishy, but again if it happened before you guys had your big talk where he said he'd break up with her then you should really just try to give it time. So if that's the LAST thing you guys talked about, I'd say you're still good, you just need to try to relax and let it play out a little more.

 

 

I still don't like it though. She shouldn't have a reason to text him asking if it was ok to text (so... she knows he's coming to see you, or at least has a reason to be wary of texting him during certain times?). She's dumb or she's trying to start something. I also never saved the number of the married woman I was involved with once on purpose. Having been a guy with something to hide is coloring my perspective on this here and I see only bad. But even with that, if you guys had a big talk I'd wait to see how it went and what he says now.

 

I hate to say this, but there really is no way to know for certain if you should or shouldn't trust someone. Depending on how things are right now, you might want to consider asking him why she has a reason to hold back on texting and give him an opportunity to tell the truth. Consider looking for a time when you can tell him that you know that he calls her when you leave (or used to) and that you'd like him to tell you that he's not doing that anymore.

 

After you ask these, if you later find out hes lied or at least has gone back to it, you have to end it, because he definitely won't change his behavior.

 

Thats the best I can do.

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