The Last Straw....

[lonely&confused]

So.....To make a long story short. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years and we have been married for 11 years. We have two sons aged 14 & 9. Two months ago I filed for divorce.

 

The easiest way to describe the relationship with my husband would be absent. I spent the first half of our relationship thinking that if he was around more we would get along and the second half accepting that the only reason we were still married was because he was never around. He never went to a single doctor's appointment - from pregnancy to now. He never got up in the night to feed babies or change diapers. He never feed either of our boys. He will admit to changing less than five diapers ever. He never took care of sick kids or cleaned up vomit. He didn't help with homework, go to parent teacher conferences, or even take a general interest in the kids. In fact, he didn't even attend most of the boys' birthday parties. Until this last month, he thought our youngest son was 10 and wasn't even sure of their exact birthdays. He didn't clean, cook, or do laundry. He also never went to dinner, movies, the zoo, or anywhere with us. For the last six years the kids and I have even been going on vacation without him.

 

Some things he did do. Seven years ago he opened up his own business which after a tough couple of years has been very successful. I still work, but only because I choose to. He would prefer if I didn't. I don't have to worry about a roof over my head or the lights or water turning on.

 

All of the above isn't what caused me to file for divorce. About three years ago I guess you could say I pulled away. I realized that I did not want to be in a relationship with him but I knew I needed to make the best of it for our children. That's when he started being home more. And that wasn't a good thing. Turns out, I think he hated me. He was sooo mean. I can't even describe it. At first I tried to change it. I cooked what he wanted to eat, the way he wanted it cooked, with the ingredients he liked best and so on. It didn't matter. Nothing I did made a difference. He was viscious and mean. I spent nearly every evening in my room. Either alone or watching TV or reading with the kids in my bed. When I was alone I was usually crying. As soon as he pulled into the driveway I became tense and unhappy. I dreaded the time he spent at the house. We tried marriage counseling but after four different counselors that he hated he decided that we needed to work on our issues ourselves.

 

After one especially terrible evening, my oldest son told me that things would be a lot better if I just did what his Dad said. He said that's what he does. I realized that I was teaching my kids a horrible lesson. I was teaching them that it was ok to treat someone the way their dad treated me if it meant they got their way or that it was ok to be treated the way I was being treated. So I essentially gave my husband an ultimatum. I told him I could no longer tolerate his mental and emotional abuse and if we were to stay married, he had to promise to stop and just be nice to me. He mocked me and laughed when I started to cry.

 

Needless to say I decided to file for divorce. He must have sensed it because he cleaned out all of my bank accounts and disconnected my cell phone. On the day that he was served the divorce papers, I was sitting at home and I looked on his computer. I have NEVER invaded his privacy before but I just felt that I had to. I didn't like what I found. He was signed up with an online dating site that included pictures of him and everything. I had already filed, but this just made me even more sure I was doing the right thing.

 

What caused me to post for advice today is his behavior AFTER I filed. He's like a whole new person and I know that should make me happy but it doesn't. It makes me so angry I'm almost sick. He has taken our kids fishing and camping. He has attended every football game and practice. When he doesn't have the kids, he is going out to dinner and movies. He's even planning a future trip to take with the kids! I know it should make me happy that he's becoming so involved but it doesn't and I don't know what to do. He has told me that his goal is to prove to me that he is a different person and win me back but he's doing just the opposite. It makes me so mad that he couldn't be this new person while we were still married. While I still loved him. He had to wait until now when I am old and bitter to be who I needed him to be 10 years ago. I can't give him what he wants and I don't even want to try. Plus, I don't believe in this "new person." It feels fake and forced and I am just waiting for the day when he reverts back to his old self and I'm left picking up the pieces. I don't believe a person changes overnight from who they've been nearly half of their life.

 

I feel so petty and immature for being angry now when he's trying so hard. I'm not angry about any of our terrible marriage. What kind of a person am I that I am furious with him for trying to be a good Dad?!?!

 

I realize this was not short as I originally promised.....I guess I needed to vent more than I realized.

[TroyNJ]

I'm very sorry for what your going through...I was married to my wife for 15 years....While I never was mean or abusive to her or my daughter, I did bury myself in my work...I missed many birthdays and dr. appointments, I thought I was working for my family, looking back I wish I would have been there with my family more because now like you my wife is divorcing me.

 

I also changed but it was too late, she's done with me. Us men sometimes has to have stuff pounded in us before we open our eyes so maybe he has changed? My wife did cheat on me and while there is no excuse for that, I sometimes think if i was available more it would have never happened.

 

Good luck and I hope you make the right choices for you and your family.

[joseph17]

Being in a relationship like the one you were in usually ends with this kind of behavior. I think He is doing it to show everyone that he is not the dead beat dad he knew he was when you were together. I do have one question though.

Are you going through a custody battle with the kids? if so this is definitely the reason why he is trying to be the good dad he should have always been. But it is his mistake because no matter what happens he lost those valuable years of being the dad he should have always been and your kids know that. Children are not naive to the fact that their dad is doing something know that you are not together. It could be his way of getting the kids on his side by bribing and doing the things he should have been doing in the first place. Hang in there because most likely you are right. Just be their for your kids when he drops the ball again.

[northstars]

lonely&confused,

 

I have been a lurker on this forum ever since 2010, your post inspired me to sign up and finally post. I think it was due to the fact that your post was much longer than most and most similar to my past situation except that I was the wife that was hard to live with and didn't treat my husband like I should have.

 

Ultimately he divorced me and found someone else. The problems we had were mostly caused by how I felt on the inside rather than related to how he was. I know he thought it was him that I rejected but years later when I hit bottom I realized that I was reflecting my childhood onto my husband and well that just didn't work. After he filed for divorce I hit bottom and realized that I lost the person whom I loved deeply but never showed him that love the way I knew I could after I hit bottom and realized I had to fix myself in order to show him the true loving me. It saddens my heart that my I'll treatment towards him wasn't his fault but rather mine and I lost an opportunity to have the kind of life I know we could of had and to set an example to our kids of how a wife should treat a husband with love affection and respect. I have learned through all of this that I had to change my actions first and then soon the emotions followed those actions second. It felt awkward at first to behave differently than how I felt but my feelings don't have intelligence so I needed to behave and act how I know I wanted/should have and then soon it was completely natural and good. It is sad that sometimes us humans have to learn something as simple as treat your spouse as you would want to be treated.

 

Something else that may help you is to think about any possible connection from his treatment towards you and ask yourself if he learned it growing up? If so then his crappy treatment is not likely you but rather a "comfortable" relationship that reminded him of his childhood. It sounds weird but I have read that spouses often find themselves in a similar relationship to how their childhood was and then try and repair it by making it work. Once I learned that I treated my husband like a sibling rather than a husband and a man I knew it could have worked with what I know now. Perhaps your husband truly does know he behaved like he was "trained" growing up with his parents and now knows he really isn't that old person but one who has hit a bottom and wants desperately to show you a different "him". At least that was what I wished I could have done. Take things slow and watch for a pattern of changed behavior and judge and share cautious feelings on that rather than looking at the past. Good luck to you and hugs from one woman to another:)

[Majkl]

I find so much of myself in your post L&C. I feel like an ass for doing those things to my STBXW. I did realize she means everything to me but too late. She as well feels as you feel now, bitter angry and resentful. I can't say I blame her.

 

What your husband did was just a power trip, being in control. Should have never let it go that far though. Should have left him way before and show him through your actions how he is treating you and if he actually cared he would have reacted towards better.

 

People like your husband and my former self really dont get/or choose not to get because it's just ''easier'' to be who we are/were.

 

Damage has been done to you and no one can reverse it or repay you.

You yourself know what you have been through and how you feel.

There is no excuse for such behaviour from your husband, none whatsoever.

 

I hope you find the strenght in you to let go of the hate, bitterness and resentment, it will only drain you of energy on the long run.

 

Sincerely from someone who used to do same mistakes as your ex, I wish you all the very very best.

[elfling]

Nothing wrong with being mad at him for putting on the good daddy act now. You are right to suspect it is fake. I think since he wasn't just neglectful but also mean, and doesn't like or respect you as a human being because he is a misogynist, he probably wants to pretend to be a good father to stop you from divorcing or to stop you from getting custody so he won't have to pay child support to you. It sounds like he doesn't value you as a human being and only views you as a slave escaping his mind-control manipulation because you have come to realize the dark truth. So he is taking steps to seize back control by putting on the facade of being a good father. If it were just neglect I would think there might be a chance but since he also has been very mean to you it shows he wasn't just distracted by work but is really a bad dude with a bad 'tude. Stay strong and don't let him fool you. Even if he starts acting like a father to the boys it isn't necessarily good, since he will probably train them to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and misogyny which will cause suffering in future generations.

 

But you will also have to be careful to avoid getting with another man like that, because that will be even worse since it won't even be his children and the stepdad could abuse them. You need to avoid making the same mistake again so take time to learn about how good men act so you won't end up with another jerk.

 

I saw my father treat my mother with disrespect like a subservient household maid, and he was teaching my brother to do the same. My brother saw my father treat my mom like a household servant and my father taught him to think boys are better than girls and females are supposed to be slaves to males. When my father saw him treating me as an equal and having fun playing with me, he would scold him for lowering himself to treat a girl as an equal and told him girls are inferior and meant only to be servants. My father broke up and ruined our sibling friendship. So then my brother learned my father's evil ways and my brother then would drop something on the floor and say to me "pick up my garbage, you're a girl". I refused of course. In adulthood, my brother's bad learned attitude has prevented him from getting a healthy relationship with a woman. Women will not accept being enslaved by their husbands because that is unjust and evil. Of course my brother has not been able to find a wife though he has tried hard. He has no concept of how to attract a woman. And if he got one I'd feel sorry for her unless he has changed since those days when when my dad taught him a bad attitude. So probably your sons (and their future wives) are better off without their dad influencing them too much with his bad attitude.

[aniahunks]

Sorry to hear that. But I'm glad to know that you're a kind of person who's not afraid to admit your own mistakes. I'm sure, you'll be a good person someday and it's not too late to make things up.

[toosoft]

I agree with what someone else posted... us blokes dont realise where were going wrong until its too late. We take the pi$$ and get away with as much as we can. As a gender, some (not all) males (me included in the past) can be horrible and take our good ladies for granted.

 

I think him trying should be given some credit, but with caution. It natural for him to try try try and then once he has you safely back, he will regress. It may be worth seeking MC to see if there is any chance of a long term fix??